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Original poster

First Timers - slightly depressing question

87 replies

PrePG · 09/04/2008 16:43

Can you actually see yourself with a child?

I would absolutely love to have a baby, but I just have a hard time imagining that it will actually happen and that I'll be a mother one day

At first I thought we would have trouble getting pregnant, but when it happened on the first try, I was in complete shock. Now that I've miscarried, I've got this feeling once again that it just might never be us. am I just being negative???

OP posts:
ShayeraHol · 10/04/2008 20:56

I have a horrible feeling I'm going to be one of those annoying "WELL DONE FREDDY" mums - I don't want to be, but can just see my mind turning to mush. As long as it doesn't degenerate to discussing colour of (ahem) nappy contents - which two new dads I worked with did at great length on a regular basis!

This is a good thread to have found - glad to know that other people have similar thoughts. Having not caught first time, I'm now assuming that it'll take us at least a year and thinking worst case scenarios. In fact I've almost given up on the idea already! It would be easier if it was the kind of thing you could talk about, but as I haven't really got anyone IRL to talk to about this stuff I'm building it up in my head to be a big failure.

nomoremagnolia · 10/04/2008 21:31

I'm really scared by the first born theory on here - I'm first born and have been ttc for nearly 2 1/2 yrs, younger sister got pg first month of ttc (though had m/c )

Ready · 10/04/2008 21:49

My brother is unlikely to ever have children, unless he ends up adopting ... and sometimes I feel for my mum, that she may never be a Nan

nomoremagnolia · 10/04/2008 22:04

She will be Ready

herbaceous · 10/04/2008 23:11

I'm not a first born! Though my one elder sibling died aged 3, so I was the oldest in the family for most of my life. Not sure what that means!

Maybe we can't think of ourselves as mothers because it's too painful. I remember when I was pregnant with the miscarried baby but one, DP said that he'd had a dream that we'd had a big smiley baby boy who was lying on a rug in front of the fire, and how much he was looking forward to it. These days I try not to think about the smiley baby boy.

herbaceous · 10/04/2008 23:14

I've just made myself cry. i'd better go to bed.

londonlottie · 11/04/2008 07:45

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nomoremagnolia · 11/04/2008 07:47

(((herby)))

Original poster
PrePG · 11/04/2008 10:14

Oh, herby I'm sorry It's really hard for me sometimes when my DH says something like yours did. I'm so happy that he's looking forward to having a baby as much as I am, but I'm sad that he's as disappointed as I am But we WILL make them Daddy's one day!

And Ready LOL about babies not being ready for you yet - that made me smile. I'm also regretting a bit having waited until we were 'ready'... But you know, I really believe you shouldn't attempt to have a baby unless you are ready. It's not fair on you, your partner or the baby. And as for your mum - she will be a nan one day and it will be so amazing to watch! Even though they're not my kids, I love to watch my parents with my neice and nephew. Those babies are the lights of their lives - they love them so much and the kids give back tons - my nephew, especially, since he's 3. He's always wanting to talk to my parents on the phone, go over their house, saying I love you Grandma and Poppy. It's really sweet.

and nomoremagnolia I'm first born, but I did manage to get pregnant first try - so don't think there's something necessarily connected there. {{{{hugs}}}}

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NotSoNewAnymore · 11/04/2008 10:41

Another firstborn here..although my younger sibling isn't a parent yet, they are getting married in a few months time (And getting married quite young...) so we'll wait and see...

PrePG and Mollie I also did the pillow under the top thing, when I first found out I was pregnant, I went clothes shopping and stuffed a jersey under the clothes I was trying on to see if a bump fitted in!! How terribly sad & misguided (And naive) I was.

Herby I hope you slept well - I can imagiine how hard it must be to have visualised your baby boy and have it end in tears. There will be a baby ready for you, hopefully this is all just a hiccup while you wait

ClairePO · 11/04/2008 11:02

Herby are you OK today?

herbaceous · 11/04/2008 12:01

Hello girls.

Sorry about morbid outburst last night - most of the time I can keep all that sadness tucked away in its own little box, and get by on gallows humour, but my box must have fallen off its shelf. Had a good bawl in bed, and felt better. DP away, too, which makes me more prone to sadness.

My younger sis is eight months pregnant with her third, all conceived no problems, no MCs, nuttin. Fertility runs in the family - maybe I'm a genetic freak.

MrsTittleMouse · 11/04/2008 12:06

I felt like that too, I was just convinced that all the fertility treatment was a waste of time as I would never be pregnant. I ended up going to a fertility counsellor as I was driving DH nuts.
For what it's worth, in the end I was one of the lucky ones (it just took longer for us).

Original poster
PrePG · 11/04/2008 12:15

NSNA When I was at the maternity shop and tried stuff on, they actually had a belly-shaped pad in the fitting rooms that you could stick in the trousers to make sure they would fit once you grew. It seemed to confirm the fact that I wasn't the only one who did stuff like that - it seemed like it was actually sanctioned! I suppose that's what created the monster in me. I do look back and cringe a little at how naive I was, but you know what? I hope I'll be just as silly and excited next time around - and I hope you will be too. The mc was a huge and painful disappointment but I really want to try to retain the optimistic giddiness and innocence of the first time around. Am I just setting myself up for more hurt???

Herby glad to hear you're feeling better today.

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herbaceous · 11/04/2008 12:33

I feel especially hard done by sometimes, as my last three miscarriages all got past 10 weeks, all had scans with heartbeats, all looked viable and likely, so in each case I'd allowed myself to get excited. If I ever get up duff again I'm going to wait until I'm about 32 weeks before I buy any maternity clothes?

londonlottie · 11/04/2008 12:43

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herbaceous · 11/04/2008 13:10

I've had all the tests - though had to go private, as NHS couldn't give a toss - and I've got nothing the matter. Tho the last two MCs (the ones before weren't tested) had chromosone problems - trisomy 13 and 18.

NotSoNewAnymore · 11/04/2008 13:22

PrepG - that is such an admirable attitude. One of the (many) emotional issues I felt during my miscarriage was how Pregnancy would be ruined for me...the first few weeks of the next pregnancy would be spent in fear of another miscarriage instead of the fun excitment my DH & I felt the first time around. I was soooo jealous of my friends who were newly pregnant (and were very excited) as I was worried I would never have that again.

Having read your post, I also hope that I also can be excited and silly next time around...

herby I can only imagine how tough this must all be - do the doctors realy have no idea? what a nightmare...I am so sorry...

pleaseletitbethismonth · 11/04/2008 13:31

this is great!!! I have that leper feeling, and I was working as a nanny. People just assume because you're looking after other peoples children you dont want one of your own!!! Just feel like saying - I cant try any harder you smug gits!!!!

mistlethrush · 11/04/2008 13:45

Sorry, still here - I've got a lot in common with you all, apart from the one thing - a fantastic ds - but we did have to wait 6 yrs for him. He is the light of my life, and is intelligent and sweet and lovely (apart from when he is being a complete monster) - but I try not to go on about it too much

I couldn't imagine myself with a child - but it happened.

1st time round, I bought a jacket for work from Formes in their sale - I then had it glowering at me from the back of th wardrobe for 2 more years before it was any use. Next time round, I didn't get anything until about 14 wks - when it was absolutely essential as I couldn't realy fit into any trousers anymore! BUt all purchases, and baby ones, were left as long as possible really, for the same reasons that you are all now feeling.

So, positive message - I had a really bad start, a long wait and didn't think it would happen for me, and it did, and he was really worth waiting for.

And, yes, I'm fb too!

stripeywoollenhat · 11/04/2008 14:00

i really couldn't imagine being pregnant (or myself with a baby, really) until i was - then i could really clearly envisage the whole thing. but after about three weeks i suddenly stopped being able to visualise my lo and it subsequently turned out that i'd had a mmc.

now unable to imagine it happening at all - hoping that this just because i have no imagination...

londonlottie · 11/04/2008 14:55

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Original poster
PrePG · 11/04/2008 15:06

OMG, Lottie mine's the same! It drives me up a wall! I like to take 'preventive measures' but he thinks I'm being negative!

stripeywollenhat I'm so sorry for you

NSNA I may just be kidding myself. I was on eggshells for most of the 11 weeks that I was pregnant - I had just started to get excited when I started bleeding. I'm a worrier by nature, but I want to try to remain positive. Most likely I'll have super upbeat times and extremely frantic times mixed together!

herbaceous I'm so sorry you haven't had many answers. I know exactly what you mean (as evidenced by my obsessive threads on the Miscarriage board that no one even answers!) I had had two scans, one with heartbeat before being diagnosed with mmc at 11 weeks. Drive myself crazy with scenarios - ie probably not pregesterone/LPD because would've miscarried earlier, no infections taht I knew of, etc, etc. It's been hard enough for me being in the dark for one, I can only imagine what it's like for you

mistlethrush Don't apologise - happy to have you here! You're our Silver Lining!

Please welcome. I'm sorry you have to deal with awful people when you're taking wonderful care of their children!

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stripeywoollenhat · 11/04/2008 17:08

PrePG - also sorry that it happened to you

but on the upside, my sister who is five months pregnant is only just now starting to get a sense that she is actually going to be a mother and that it's a baby rather than an extended bout of indigestion that's occupying her abdomen, so perhaps being able to imagine it is not totally necessary....

tryingnottoobsess · 11/04/2008 18:49

Hiya,

Just wanted to say big grins at the trying on/buying maternity clothes, I'd have done it too if I had the balls (2pgs, but early miscarriages both).

Instead I now buy all clothes with pg in mind, thinking 'this has got a bit of room on the waist/is empire line, so will be useful the first few months I'm pg'. Cos I always think it's going to be this month, so there's no point buying slim fit jeans etc! Have been ttc just over a year now, so have effectively worn unflattering, ill-fitting clothes for a year, and still no frigging baby!

Herby, what your DP said wrenched my stomach. It totally sums up the dream that we're all chasing. I hope SO much that we catch it... regardless of not being able to imagine it, I bet all the chicks on here would be amazing mums!