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Conception

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Original poster

First Timers - slightly depressing question

87 replies

PrePG · 09/04/2008 16:43

Can you actually see yourself with a child?

I would absolutely love to have a baby, but I just have a hard time imagining that it will actually happen and that I'll be a mother one day

At first I thought we would have trouble getting pregnant, but when it happened on the first try, I was in complete shock. Now that I've miscarried, I've got this feeling once again that it just might never be us. am I just being negative???

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londonlottie · 09/04/2008 16:57

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tryingnottoobsess · 09/04/2008 17:05

Hi Pre-pg, yeah I totally agree. At the moment it feels like the impossible dream. How can something that happens accidentally to so many people be so flippin elusive for some of us?! The whole thing is totally spinning me out!

tryingnottoobsess · 09/04/2008 17:08

Hi Londonlottie, sorry you're in this boat too. Can I ask what the name of the hypnotherapy CD is? I'd be interested in giving something like that a go. Apart from anything, it sounds quite relaxing, and I feel far from relaxed at the mo!

Original poster
PrePG · 09/04/2008 17:08

I know exactly what you mean - thanks for responding.

I'm 31 - 32 in September. I've always always been the one to love kids. I babysat throughout my school/university days. My aunt insists I've missed my calling and should've been a primary school teacher. I have a friend who actually seeks me out when it's her NEPHEWS' birthdays because she thinks I'd enjoy attending. I had wanted to start right away, but our situation is somewhat complicated - DH wanted to wait a bit to start TTC and I agreed because at first I was against having a child in the UK, for no other reason but I didn't think I could do it without my mom around for support! So, we've been married for four years, together for eight. My younger brother is now expecting his third (unplanned) and DH's brother and SIL are expecting their second in two years. I'm just beginning to regret having waited in the first place I guess.

Anyway, I think I'm just feeling a little depressed today. Don't wnat to bring anyone else down though. You were so close this month, baby dust and lots of hugs to you for next cycle!!!!

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londonlottie · 09/04/2008 17:14

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londonlottie · 09/04/2008 17:15

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herbaceous · 09/04/2008 17:24

I know just what you mean. I think.

I'd never even considered children. They didn't interest me, and I didn't even like them all that much. Then I reached my late 30s, and at the same time met DP, and my biological clock sprang into action. It was an entirely non-logical, non-intellectual feeling, and entirely driven by some mysterious force within. Fortunately for me, I got pregnant easily. Unfortunately for me I then lost all four pregnancies, all after 11 weeks, just when the baby was beginning to seem real. With each one the urge to get pregnant again has been stronger and stronger, but it's a kind of biological urge, as well as the urge to do all the kiddy things. I'm now looking into adoption, too, which will scratch one itch, but not the other...

I don't suppose anyone can imagine themselves with a child - they just arrive, and you have to cope! It's no surprise PND is so common... what an upheaval.

nomoremagnolia · 09/04/2008 18:51

I'm with you all on this one - though I feel much more confident now than I did a few months ago. About this time last year (when we were facing the 18 month mark) I really started to wonder if kids were just not meant to be for me and DH. My DSis is the maternal one - she did babysitting/child development gcse/holiday work in a nursery etc and I was much more take it or leave it when it came to passing the cousins' babies around the room (I was too scared they'd cry when I held them!). BUT I have discovered the switch that herby mentions and now I can't see myself without a child - it's such an overpowering desire to be a mum. I can picture being pg and having a LO around. I think a lot of that is because I have spend more and more time with DGodS and I have 'practiced' with him (including making some mistakes).
Hang in there, there are bad patches along the ttc road, but there are easier bits too.
I have the CD lottie mentions - it's very good at getting you to think of your future child.
When tryingnottoobsess says "How can something that happens accidentally to so many people be so flippin elusive for some of us?!" I know! Sometimes I just want to shout at people who seem so casual about getting pg!

sarah76 · 09/04/2008 23:59

I know what you mean, I'm trying, but I just can't quite see myself there.

I'm going to hit 32 in July. I remember being 26, newly married and just having moved here, and discussion about babies being postponed until we'd been married at least 3 years. It all seemed so easy then, just assumed it would all work out and there was plenty of time. I spent nearly half my life trying NOT to get PG--the joke being that all along I had PCOS and I probably never needed to be as worried as I was!

My GP told me just before 30 that I really needed to start trying in case I needed help to conceive. That was the first time I really started to wonder if it would ever happen.

Now I'm newly divorced, engaged again, and hoping being with a new partner who actually likes sex will make a difference. But somehow, I just can't see it happening. DP and I are both broody as anything, but it's so hard to imagine being pregnant and having one of our own!

Eleveld · 10/04/2008 08:16

Hi

I know exactly what you all mean.

I'm 38 and started 5 months ago to TTC#1. Only met the right man 18 months ago.

I also have endometriosis and the first blood test I had last month said I didn't ovulate. So am thoroughly depressed by it all and ABSOLUTELY convinced that I will never conceive. Just can't imagine ever getting that positive HPT.

Got to have another blood test next week (although again this month there are no other signs that I've ovulated) and waiting for DP sperm test results.

I know I haven't been trying long at all, I appreciate 5 months is nothing compared with most people on this site so I apologise for whinging, it's just how I feel.

I really hope it doesn't get to the stage where my consultant says the only option is IVF because I really don't think we can afford it.

In some ways I regret that I've left it so late to try but then I don't think I really had an option - at the end of the day I'd rather be with the right man with no children than have children but stuck with the wrong man IYSWIM

Good luck to everyone

londonlottie · 10/04/2008 09:25

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londonlottie · 10/04/2008 09:26

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nomoremagnolia · 10/04/2008 09:54

Actually IVF isn't that scary if you just take one step at a time. We're being funded by the NHS for our first attempt and from that we're hoping for some embryos to freeze so the next couple of rounds won't be very expensive (relatively speaking of course ) Don't dismiss it just yet Eleveld

nomoremagnolia · 10/04/2008 09:56

and I met the right man when I was 20 and it still took us until I was 28 to start ttc.

londonlottie · 10/04/2008 09:58

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nomoremagnolia · 10/04/2008 10:27

I know it's not brilliant, but it's not impossible either. I do realise that I am very young in IVF terms though and we've been given a very optimstic success rate (which will hopefully mean I get pg on the NHS cycle and we can keep the frozen embryos for a DC2, saving us a packet!)

ClairePO · 10/04/2008 10:36

I can't see myself with a child at all. I can't even imagine myself pregnant (I mean as in with a bump). I do often think it just won't happen for us at all. We have left it too late I think.

rattling · 10/04/2008 10:41

As I have already complained elsewhere, I am suddenly feeling quite pessimistic about the chances of ever having my own child. I've deleted my self-obsessed rant, but it helped to write it down anyway and I just wanted to add myself to a thread where I know exactly what everyone is on about.

ClairePO · 10/04/2008 10:43

Another 'first timers' question - does anyone else feel like a mumsnet fraud? That one day someone will turn around, point at you and say 'why are you here, you aren't a mum'.

herbaceous · 10/04/2008 10:47

Totally. I originally joined mumsnet when I was pregnant again after my miscarriages, on the predecessor to the 'knicker-checker' thread, and everyone was so lovely and supportive that I stayed when I miscarried that one too. I surf around and look at threads where mums talk about their children's behaviour, complain about non-helpful friends or relatives, etc, and just can't ever see myself in that position.

I'm also a little bit scared of becoming the sort who buys a 4x4 with a 'baby on board' sticker in the back, and drones on about how 'gifted' little Jemima is, etc.

When I'm 'practising' with nephews, and other children, I'm always amazed when they do what I ask, or take any notice at all. Have no sense of my own authority over children.

Perhaps I'm not cut out for this at all! Yet still the old ovaries nag away...

mistlethrush · 10/04/2008 10:48

Its not surprising. I had mc and mp before ds. I found myself at 7mo finding hpt which was out of date - had 30 seconds of complete panic thinking that I couldn't be pregnant after all (despite the obvious contradiction to that together with the kicking). We had to wait 6 yrs for ds. Don't give up. Fingers crossed that everyone on this thread will also find themselves proved wrong and that all end up with lovely dc

Original poster
PrePG · 10/04/2008 11:04

Thanks for your message mistlethrush I didn't mean for everyone to fall into a pit of dispair, but hopefully it's cathartic!

I actually went home last night and thought how silly I was for having started this thread in the first place as we have really only been TTC since January and got pg on the first try. I guess it's just that the mc has been really unsettling and no matter how much I hear 'your chances of miscarrying again are no more than the first time' and 'there was nothing you could've done, it was most likely chromosomal' I can't help but think What if it happens again? or what if we have difficulty conceiving this time around?

But then when I got home, DH told me about another close friend who is suddenly PG . Anyway, had a little sniffle with him and told him what I posted here. He of course told me that I was being silly. And then he said he knows that I'm going to be the best mum he knows. I told him thank you but I knew that he was just saying that to make me feel better...but then he did a good job of convincing me that he actually does believe it

Anyway, onwards! Let's turn this into the positive thinking thread. Good luck to everyone and big hugs!!!

OP posts:
londonlottie · 10/04/2008 11:10

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mistlethrush · 10/04/2008 11:14

I've got a 'Mum to be on board' one somewhere that Volvo sent us for some reason and (of course) never went up... so let me know when you need it!

herbaceous · 10/04/2008 11:20

LL - Roffle! Were you and your friend violently sick?

I was at my nephew's birthday party a few months ago, and the only non-parent there, and was treated like a leper. I know I can't (or, indeed, won't) talk about nappies, schools, the price of nannies, etc, but there does seem to be an unfortunate divide between those who have children and those who don't. I don't want to become like those parents...