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We are trying for a baby and I’m so excited but my parents are not

105 replies

AquaOtter · 01/04/2024 17:48

I have been with my partner for three years, we are engaged to be married and live together in a three bed house with my daughter and his son from his previous relationship. We both work full time and earn good wages. I work in the civil service who offer excellent maternity pay and lots of benefits. I have a very good and stable job. My partner works as a freelance lorry driver. We’ve decided to try for a baby and have planned that the baby will be in our room for the first couple years so we will have time to find a bigger house. I told my mum we’ve decided to try for a baby first and get married when we have built up more savings. I am 32 and he is 37 so we feel like time isn’t on our side. My mum went absolutely mad when I told and starting shouting at me that she won’t be around to help out and that I’m throwing away my career. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life in an office. I LOVE being a mother more than anything. My job is a means to an end and it doesn’t bring me happiness like my child does. I don’t understand why she’s being so unsupportive. I’ve worked very hard to get to this point in my life and I think she’s being so unreasonable. I’m 32 in a secure relationship with a reliable partner who earns a good wage, not a teenager in trouble but that is how she is treating me. I’m thinking I should put the baby plans on hold until we are married and have a bigger house but that could be many years away. I don’t want to have a baby in my 40s. What should I do?

OP posts:
Saymyname28 · 01/04/2024 21:06

My mum like I'd just told her I had cancer when I announced our pregnancy. And then started going on about how worried she was and how she wouldn't tell her husband yet (not even my father). I'm an awesome mum, I own a house, we are building a second house, my partner is bloody incredible and we are financially sound. There is literally nothing to worry about, our life is awesome and is just going to get better. Some people are just miseries. Don't let her ruin it for you.

WandaWonder · 01/04/2024 21:06

Is there somw big back story you're missing?

blueandwhitesquares · 01/04/2024 21:09

Gooor Kirk

WouldYouLikeMeToSpellThatForYou · 01/04/2024 21:11

mahaka · 01/04/2024 18:03

really want to get married first and I said to my OH let’s just do it at our local church and then have a small party in a village hall afterwards, but he said he wanted a bigger celebration lol (role reversal?!)

Not a role reversal at all. Many posts on this site about women happy to have a small wedding but the partner says the same that your partner has. Often they are stalling. Be on your guard here OP.

I was going to say the same thing! Very common thread on here....unfortunately the savings tend to never get to 'wedding' point especially as the amount of kids and pressures increase. Stalling tactics

Theredfoxfliesatmidnight · 01/04/2024 21:12

I would also listen to other posters saying he doesn't want to marry you. When you say, yes he does just not right now, he just wants a super-duper wedding in the future - well guess what that's what a man not wanting to marry you looks like. No man says hey, guess what, I'm a massive bastard, I want you to have my child to entrap you, but I won't marry you. They don't say that. Of course not. They say what he's said to you. Please know this

Gagagardener · 01/04/2024 21:13

It takes nine months to grow a baby post-conception. In your case, an ideal order of events could be:

  1. As there shouldn't be a long wait for either a church or registry office marriage, you can start ttc as soon as you have a date for this. In the run up to it, sort out where you each stand financially. Consider your existing children and make suitable arrangements. Take legal advice if necessary. Make it a quiet do - the point of it is to give YOU and any children you have with DP the legal protection of marriage, not to splash your cash.
  1. Have the baby.
  1. Hold your big do as a celebration of both the above. You could do it on your first wedding anniversary, or baby's first birthday - or anything else that occurs to you.

Make sure you sort out finances, pension and that it is understood it takes two to make a child and both parents should share the expenses

With best wishes for a very Happy Family.

FayCarew · 01/04/2024 21:20

@AquaOtter , a pp mentioned dynamic. When you are reliant on your DP financially, how will your DD fit in. Will you be relying on him to support a child that isn't his?

yogpot · 01/04/2024 21:23

Meh I was unmarried when I had my first, wasn’t bothered as my name was on the house, joint tenants, and I have a very good career which has continued - I’m part time now but I’ve since been promoted - mostly unabated. Marriage wasn’t really necessary, and should he fuck off tomorrow I can keep the show on the road with my salary alone. I got married anyway because I love that mug and I wanted to be an official stepmum to his DC.

If you’re in that sort of position, great. If not, just do the paperwork marriage and have the party later.

Bit weird you give a shit what your mum says to the extent you’re rethinking your life plans, is there a seed of doubt she’s unearthed there?

FayCarew · 01/04/2024 21:25

@yogpot , but you didn't have a child from a previous relationship like OP does, and it looks like OP will become a sahm.

Rosesanddaisies1 · 01/04/2024 21:28

Very weird you told her you’re trying. But you need to get married, particularly if you plan to reduce your hours or not work. You have zero protection otherwise, he can leave you and you would be entitled to nothing. Just go to the registry office if you can’t afford anything else at the moment. And if you are planning to be a SAHM-you need full access to shared money, he needs to pay into a pension for you. And he needs very comprehensive income protection - what if he broke his leg tomorrow and couldn’t work? Really consider the financial risks of not working at all - I’d look at keeping some work part time. Also if you want to get a bigger house, you will find it harder to get a mortgage based on 1 income and with potentially 3 kids - if you’re a SAHM, you count as a dependent-and not helped if your partner is self employed. Another reason staying in work will help.

LightDrizzle · 01/04/2024 21:34

A lot of Register Offices are gorgeous! We got married in one with 8 guests and had a fabulous lunch afterwards with lots of Champagne. It was a brilliant day.

Did your mum help out with your first? If so she may be panicking thinking your assuming she’ll provide childcare with this one and as she says, she doesn’t want to. She will also be worried about your financial security as you aren’t married. It really does make sense to marry first.

Jk987 · 01/04/2024 21:46

Why did you tell your mum you're ttc?! Who does that? Puts pressure on the whole thing!

Getting married is a choice not a necessity. Mumsnet has the most unromantic, straight laced attitude to marriage I've ever heard of!

If you have more assets and/or income than him, then it might be unwise. Even if you don't, you're hardly be entitled to much in the event of a split unless the marriage is long.

Jk987 · 01/04/2024 21:47

IncompleteSenten · 01/04/2024 17:57

I wouldn't give up my career to have a baby with a man I wasn't married to.
You can't let your heart rule your head here.

Taking a year's maternity leave isn't giving up your career.

mondaytosunday · 01/04/2024 21:49

What's it got to do with her? Just do it.

WhereIsMyLight · 01/04/2024 21:49

There are risks here and reiterating that you’re in a stable relationship doesn’t really address those. Most people think their relationship is stable before they have a baby.

You haven’t answered PPs about whose house it is and whether it is rented or mortgage. I’m going to assume mortgage as you say saving for a bigger place but you haven’t said who the house belongs to. If it’s his, that would explain his reluctance to marry as he’s protecting his asset. If it’s yours, you really need to get advice to protect your asset for your child (and any future children).

I would suggest getting married before TTC because there are some areas of potential problems and marriage adds some protection. You mention that you want to save for a bigger house and a wedding ceremony, you get good maternity pay in a stable civil service job. However, you don’t love your career and want to be a mum, it sounds like you’ll be planning to be a SAHM? In which case, you won’t get great maternity pay, you’ll get SMP and need to pay back any enhanced maternity pay. Then you’ll want to save for a bigger house and a bigger wedding while you’re a SAHM.

If you do continue to work, you have nursery fees whilst saving for a bigger house and a bigger wedding. Please don’t be relying on the universal free hours offer, it’s unsustainable at the current levels, it might be taken off the table after the general election and providers don’t have to provide it (our nursery isn’t). The house will always take priority, especially as you are planning for baby to be in with you. After that, the house will need work. Then the kids activities will start costing money. You’re going to be a long time before you save for a bigger wedding.

Let’s say I’m wrong and you can save for the bigger wedding within the first few years after the baby is born, it’s possible your partner is freelance so he just works more to earn more. Except he’s a freelance lorry driver so he won’t be home if he’s working extra. You’ll be raising a baby alone, your older child and presumably his child too (you’ve painted it as his mother isn’t in the picture). You’re raising 3 kids with no help from your partner, you might be a SAHM or you might be working but your partner will be doing this “for you, to give you the wedding you deserve”. Are you stable enough to survive solo parenting while he works more and more hours?

Even if he doesn’t work more hours and you can both save enough with a baby, you will still be the default parent. Your partner may well be hundreds of miles away when nursery call because your kid is sick (and then spreads it to the other two). He can’t just drop everything at work and come back. It’ll be you who has to drop everything. You say you aren’t that bothered by your career (even though you seem proud you’ve worked hard for it), so maybe the career stagnation won’t bother you, maybe you won’t be bothered by the one who looks like a flake and can’t do a good job. However, there is a chance that this is another area that may cause you to build resentment to your partner.

There is a lot of areas for potential conflict. It doesn’t mean you’re going to split up but you are going to have to work out a way that works for both of you. I don’t think it’s going to be a walk in the park, there will be some conflict. You might feel like calling it quits. Being married might just push you to keep going that bit more because getting a divorce is expensive. It might not but at least you’ll have the legal protections of marriage in place if you do then call it quits.

Emelene · 01/04/2024 22:54

I had friends who eloped (while pregnant) then had a huge wedding formal like celebration for their baby’s christening. Worked for them!

But I agree with previous posters that you have much more security when married. I think I’d want my own place too, particularly if Mum is so against having a baby in her house.

AquaOtter · 01/04/2024 23:39

Sophie3003 · 01/04/2024 17:59

My husband and I got married, only had 5 of us (including my daughter) in a really lovely castle in Scotland and I am now expecting our baby and am definitely pleased we have got married first (I wasn't previously married). It was lovely to do it properly and concentrate on the wedding before we had our own baby.

Awww this is lovely thanks so much. We’ve been chatting this evening and he’s said he’s happy if I’m happy to have a small wedding. I think agree with most of the comments having a big fancy wedding doesn’t matter. Thanks so much for taking the time to write a reply Xx

OP posts:
LifeExperience · 02/04/2024 00:02

Do not be a sahm unless you are married, no matter how committed you think he is. If you're not working, you need the financial security of marriage.

SleepingStandingUp · 02/04/2024 00:20

I feel this conversation is missing the context of what happened with the first baby. Did Dad stick around? Were you equally in love? Is he in the picture? Did you expect Mom to step up and support you?
It sounds like she's got you through one pregnancy/ baby / single parenthood and you've got a stable life and she's worried she'll have to do it all again but X years older

TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled · 02/04/2024 00:29

mahaka · 01/04/2024 18:03

really want to get married first and I said to my OH let’s just do it at our local church and then have a small party in a village hall afterwards, but he said he wanted a bigger celebration lol (role reversal?!)

Not a role reversal at all. Many posts on this site about women happy to have a small wedding but the partner says the same that your partner has. Often they are stalling. Be on your guard here OP.

I was going to say this too. If you cannot afford a wedding now, you absolutely wont after having a third child.

who does your childcare now?
whose house do you live in?
how much money did your dp say you had to save? Was there a figure to aim for or a vague ‘more’

AquaOtter · 02/04/2024 00:35

Kittenkitty · 01/04/2024 20:04

You’ve not really answered whether you will be receiving support of your Mum if your baby plans go ahead?

Hiya yes sure so no I wouldn’t expect any help from her as she’s getting older. Also to answer other questions I own the house we live in. We earn similar income and have an above average combined household income. For arguments sake if he did leave me I would be fine. Thanks for your attention

OP posts:
crumblingschools · 02/04/2024 00:43

Ironically if you own the house you may want to rain check the wedding as you will then both own the house if you get married

Forgottenmypasswordagain · 02/04/2024 00:48

Get married first. Then go forward with the rest.

throwmeoff · 02/04/2024 01:03

crumblingschools · 02/04/2024 00:43

Ironically if you own the house you may want to rain check the wedding as you will then both own the house if you get married

This is good advice.

OP I suspect your answers to this have been tailored to the responses you've had. Your child isn't your partner's responsibility so you're fine right now. But a joint child is different. Plus if you do have more assets then your own child's legacy is at risk if you marry.

I realise you don't want to think like this but it would be remiss of you as a mother not to. If he's a decent guy he won't bat an eyelid at this conversation.

TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled · 02/04/2024 06:16

AquaOtter · 02/04/2024 00:35

Hiya yes sure so no I wouldn’t expect any help from her as she’s getting older. Also to answer other questions I own the house we live in. We earn similar income and have an above average combined household income. For arguments sake if he did leave me I would be fine. Thanks for your attention

What assets would he bring to the marriage? And do you plan on keeping your daughter’s inheritance safe on marriage?