We are trying for a baby and I’m so excited but my parents are not

[AquaOtter]

I have been with my partner for three years, we are engaged to be married and live together in a three bed house with my daughter and his son from his previous relationship. We both work full time and earn good wages. I work in the civil service who offer excellent maternity pay and lots of benefits. I have a very good and stable job. My partner works as a freelance lorry driver. We’ve decided to try for a baby and have planned that the baby will be in our room for the first couple years so we will have time to find a bigger house. I told my mum we’ve decided to try for a baby first and get married when we have built up more savings. I am 32 and he is 37 so we feel like time isn’t on our side. My mum went absolutely mad when I told and starting shouting at me that she won’t be around to help out and that I’m throwing away my career. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life in an office. I LOVE being a mother more than anything. My job is a means to an end and it doesn’t bring me happiness like my child does. I don’t understand why she’s being so unsupportive. I’ve worked very hard to get to this point in my life and I think she’s being so unreasonable. I’m 32 in a secure relationship with a reliable partner who earns a good wage, not a teenager in trouble but that is how she is treating me. I’m thinking I should put the baby plans on hold until we are married and have a bigger house but that could be many years away. I don’t want to have a baby in my 40s. What should I do?

While I don’t think your mum has gone about it in the right way, I think she is right about the fact that you really should get married first, even if just legally on paper, to give yourself that protection. If nothing else with an extra child added into the mix your savings will build up slower and slower, having this big wedding celebration will be pushed back in favour of doing things with the kids, holidays, presents (rightfully so, weddings are crazy money for one day), so I’d be making sure I had the legal protection of marriage before conceiving if I was you.

Depending on the age of the current children I would also think it wise to find a house that works before falling pregnant as well. A 3 bed house when all the bedrooms are already full could get tight for space really quickly, baby will be in with you for 6 months but that’s not a long time to sell your house, find one to buy, complete etc and I wouldn’t want the stress of a house move with a newborn. There’s also all the baby’s things to consider.

Your mum hasn’t said it in the best way but she is pointing out very relevant concerns OP

This is a red flag. Don't go further if he's dragging his feet.

No he does, that’s not the issue here, but thank you for your concern x

Your mother is presumably scared that you’ll end up as a single mum with two young children. Don’t be naive. Get married and protect yourself legally. Quick registry office ceremony and you are done.

I’ll go back to him about the wedding plans. I know he’ll say yes if I tell him that’s what I really want. We are a committed couple. Thank you xxx

And, if your bf drags his feet on this then you’d be a fool to get pregnant.

Having a baby will be much more expensive than getting married. I’d get married first. If he’s committed enough to have a baby he’s committed enough to get married.

Have another baby before marriage and it will be years before you can afford a big wedding (if ever)

I know my partner though and we are very committed.

Oh dear. Everyone wants to think their relationship will stand the test of time, but the more you post the more red flags I can see. Your mum is looking out for you, please listen to her.

If he really is committed then he would agree to head down to the registry office this week and sort it, but he won't. So many on here can see how this will end, and unfortunately it's not with you walking down the aisle.

Whose house is it? Or is it rented. Could you cover the costs on your own?

It’s a waste of money having a big expensive wedding when you already have children , have the wedding you can afford now and then have the baby and put the money that would have gone on the wedding towards the bigger house . In future don’t discuss your plans with anyone else , it’s nobody else’s business

Do people actually announce they are trying for a baby ??

Do you own or rent the house?

I hope I am wrong about this but it’s possible your mum is not so honest with you. Perhaps she has reasons to worry about your partner which she feels she can’t share so she is trying to put you off getting any deeper with him.

Do they look after your child a lot?

Honestly do you know anyone who has had a baby without being sure that her partner was committed? Everyone goes into their relationship pretty sure that it's forever, sadly it's often not the case.

Also I think your idea of a wedding in your local church then village hall sounds completely gorgeous - you can get such lovely inexpensive dresses (Vinted?) and lean in to the country/vintage/traditional chic.

I have been to some of these with literal tea lights in jam jars and simple flowers and bunting AND I have been to some insanely plush £££ ones and honestly they’re all lovely! Tbh a very broke but creative friend who was definitely in the ‘free greenery in borrowed mason jars’ village-hall camp had probably the most beautiful wedding I ever went to. Some bottles of fizzy and a nice spread - sounds amazing! Crack on!

Did your mum have to help you out with your previous child?

You will be giving up your livelihood and will be relying on him.

If you split up, you'll be stuffed because he's self-employed and you'll have no rights because you are not married.

As much as you are committed now, you will slip into the nanny/housekeeper role when the baby arrives.

Who owns the house and why did he split up from his child's mother?

The wanting a big wedding looks like a delaying tactic, and there probably won't be a wedding.

I wouldn't want to know if my DC were 'trying for a baby'. TMI.

Really can't imagine talking to my parents about my shagging habits tbh

Whose house is it? Or was it jointly bought and jointly owned?

I wouldn’t have a baby before getting married if you are planning to stop work or cut your hours: your income , professional development/ promotion and pension will all be affected with no protection.

However if you own the house and intend to carry on f/t work after paid maternity then I would be less fussed about marriage.

If he owns the house and you plan to stop / reduce work and have a baby before getting married then I would insist he puts your name on the deeds and contributes to a pension in your name. If he really wants to wait for the big wedding then do it on that condition.

Sounds so familiar OP - my darling mother and father had such an opinion on every life choice of mine. Is this a one off where she's had a reaction like this to a life choice or has she generally been supportive?

We both wanted a low key wedding before we had babies, with a big party, deciding on the wedding (which we would have funded) got so many quite angry opinions from my parents we stalled it for our sanity and to try and keep family relations.

We ended up getting married in a registry office when DD was one, absolutely wonderful day with only a few close people there. We will have a large celebration when DD and baby on the way are through the nursery years. You're a similar age to us, and we (and DH family and our friends) actually see the benefit in it - most of the weddings will be done when we're at the point so it'll be a nice later celebration.

I dont regret it one bit and I would do it again tomorrow - we didnt financially cripple ourselves, we had a lovely day and actually I should have stuck to my guns on my decisions in the first place and not let the opinions drive them. The only thing I regret is that actually.

How long have you been together? I think you need to be very careful if this is a relatively new relationship (under 2 years ish) when you both have children from a previous relationship. How old are the children?

Thank you for your comment. I am pleased to say that he is more than happy to do that he just said he would prefer a better celebration, and I was originally the was the one who said I wanted a big wedding and now I’ve changed my mind, but thank you for your support and concern. The issue I wanted help on was whether to hold fire on baby plans, not on whether my partner was committed or not. I personally don’t see the problem having a baby before getting married, my best friend had two babies before marrying her husband so ive been influenced by that success. which is why we were quite relaxed about it, but it’s interesting to see other people’s views and I am definitely going to consider having a small wedding first. x

Were either of you in relationships with your child's other parent?