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Original poster

We are trying for a baby and I’m so excited but my parents are not

105 replies

AquaOtter · 01/04/2024 17:48

I have been with my partner for three years, we are engaged to be married and live together in a three bed house with my daughter and his son from his previous relationship. We both work full time and earn good wages. I work in the civil service who offer excellent maternity pay and lots of benefits. I have a very good and stable job. My partner works as a freelance lorry driver. We’ve decided to try for a baby and have planned that the baby will be in our room for the first couple years so we will have time to find a bigger house. I told my mum we’ve decided to try for a baby first and get married when we have built up more savings. I am 32 and he is 37 so we feel like time isn’t on our side. My mum went absolutely mad when I told and starting shouting at me that she won’t be around to help out and that I’m throwing away my career. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life in an office. I LOVE being a mother more than anything. My job is a means to an end and it doesn’t bring me happiness like my child does. I don’t understand why she’s being so unsupportive. I’ve worked very hard to get to this point in my life and I think she’s being so unreasonable. I’m 32 in a secure relationship with a reliable partner who earns a good wage, not a teenager in trouble but that is how she is treating me. I’m thinking I should put the baby plans on hold until we are married and have a bigger house but that could be many years away. I don’t want to have a baby in my 40s. What should I do?

OP posts:
mahaka · 01/04/2024 17:51

Get married first. Forget the "wedding" if you don't have the funds but get married.

As long as you weren't banking on your mother providing childcare etc then go for it, but get married.

rainydaysaway · 01/04/2024 17:51

It’s none of your Mum’s business. Don’t include her in any decisions you make (because you’re an adult).

Zippedydoodahday · 01/04/2024 17:55

Pop down the registry office so you're legally protected before you take a step back in your career to have a child together. You can have a wedding later on. Everyone thinks it will never happen to them that they're left high and dry by an unmarried partner. But it happens to tens of thousands of women a year.

Ponderingwindow · 01/04/2024 17:55

If you understand the value of marriage, then having a baby before you get married is a mistake. You are an adult who already has a child. If I was your mother, that is why I would be upset, because you aren’t prioritizing your child and your financial security just so you can have a wedding. You should understand that having a big party is not a high life priority

there is nothing stopping you from getting married now. If you really want to proceed with the baby plan without marriage, then you should be spending money to meet with a solicitor to properly set up as close to an approximation to marriage as you can. It would be cheaper and more efficient to just get married though.

Original poster
AquaOtter · 01/04/2024 17:55

mahaka · 01/04/2024 17:51

Get married first. Forget the "wedding" if you don't have the funds but get married.

As long as you weren't banking on your mother providing childcare etc then go for it, but get married.

Thank you ! I really want to get married first and I said to my OH let’s just do it at our local church and then have a small party in a village hall afterwards, but he said he wanted a bigger celebration lol (role reversal?!) and said let’s save up more money … I obviously was not married with my first and I would really like to have that security. Maybe I should talk to him about it again

OP posts:
Whatdoido1987 · 01/04/2024 17:55

You're 32, I'd tell my mum to keep her opinions to herself!

Original poster
AquaOtter · 01/04/2024 17:56

Ponderingwindow · 01/04/2024 17:55

If you understand the value of marriage, then having a baby before you get married is a mistake. You are an adult who already has a child. If I was your mother, that is why I would be upset, because you aren’t prioritizing your child and your financial security just so you can have a wedding. You should understand that having a big party is not a high life priority

there is nothing stopping you from getting married now. If you really want to proceed with the baby plan without marriage, then you should be spending money to meet with a solicitor to properly set up as close to an approximation to marriage as you can. It would be cheaper and more efficient to just get married though.

Thank you 🙏 this is really helpful. I think you are right !! Xxx

OP posts:
Topseyt123 · 01/04/2024 17:57

Why are you asking your mother's opinion? Or is she just giving it anyway?

I would say that getting married now makes sense legally and financially so would just do that.

IncompleteSenten · 01/04/2024 17:57

I wouldn't give up my career to have a baby with a man I wasn't married to.
You can't let your heart rule your head here.

Topseyt123 · 01/04/2024 17:58

IncompleteSenten · 01/04/2024 17:57

I wouldn't give up my career to have a baby with a man I wasn't married to.
You can't let your heart rule your head here.

Neither would I.

Cheepcheepcheep · 01/04/2024 17:58

A few issues:

  1. if you’re not relying on her for childcare your mum needs to butt out
  2. why on earth did you tell her you’re trying?
  3. all the above said…. I would want to be married before another baby. You’ve seen how it can go wrong before presumably and if you were my daughter I’d want you to be legally protected. That said, she shouldn’t have gone mad.
Sophie3003 · 01/04/2024 17:59

My husband and I got married, only had 5 of us (including my daughter) in a really lovely castle in Scotland and I am now expecting our baby and am definitely pleased we have got married first (I wasn't previously married). It was lovely to do it properly and concentrate on the wedding before we had our own baby.

Caravaggiouch · 01/04/2024 17:59

Get married first. Especially if you might be stopping work. The rest is not your mum’s decision and shouldn’t come into it, so long as you weren’t planning to rely on her for childcare.

mahaka · 01/04/2024 18:03

really want to get married first and I said to my OH let’s just do it at our local church and then have a small party in a village hall afterwards, but he said he wanted a bigger celebration lol (role reversal?!)

Not a role reversal at all. Many posts on this site about women happy to have a small wedding but the partner says the same that your partner has. Often they are stalling. Be on your guard here OP.

PerspicaciaTick · 01/04/2024 18:04

Get married or form a civil partnership now.
You don't need to tell anyone unless you want to. The party can come later.

Whinge · 01/04/2024 18:04

IncompleteSenten · 01/04/2024 17:57

I wouldn't give up my career to have a baby with a man I wasn't married to.
You can't let your heart rule your head here.

Me either.

he said he wanted a bigger celebration lol (role reversal?!) and said let’s save up more money

If you have a baby first you'll have 3 children between you, and all the costs that come with that. I've seen plenty of people who say they'll get married later, and very few actually end up doing so. You're laughing about it, but this excuse about saving up more money is a huge red flag.

Happyinarcon · 01/04/2024 18:07

Hurry up with trying for a baby. Infertility is awful and if you are going to have trouble convincing you want to find asap

cestlavielife · 01/04/2024 18:11

Why is your mum part of the conversation?
She doesn't need to know unless you were expecting her baby minding services

If you get good maternity package and will go back to work then carry on.

Don't give up work and dont become reliant on dp

SirChenjins · 01/04/2024 18:12

mahaka · 01/04/2024 18:03

really want to get married first and I said to my OH let’s just do it at our local church and then have a small party in a village hall afterwards, but he said he wanted a bigger celebration lol (role reversal?!)

Not a role reversal at all. Many posts on this site about women happy to have a small wedding but the partner says the same that your partner has. Often they are stalling. Be on your guard here OP.

Very much this. It’s amazing how many men are very keen on living together and making babies, less so on the financial commitment that marriage brings.

If he’s really got his heart set on the big wedding then see a lawyer and put all the legal stuff in place before the baby and the wedding.

Oh, and definitely don’t give up your career unless your pension contributions are kept up to date from the family income and you know you can return to the workplace easily and at any point.

MuggedByReality · 01/04/2024 18:14

IncompleteSenten · 01/04/2024 17:57

I wouldn't give up my career to have a baby with a man I wasn't married to.
You can't let your heart rule your head here.

Me neither.

Whose house is it, OP? If it’s in both your names that combined with getting married will provide you with security. If it’s his house that would explain his reluctance to get married now so you should think very carefully about your own financial security before giving up your independence & earning power.

JanewaysBun · 01/04/2024 18:14

Sorry but your partner' behaviour is a bit of a 🚩and it's possible your mum sees it too. Have a small ceremony then a big commitment ceremony later if you want.

aroalfks · 01/04/2024 18:15

I'm with your mum tbh given the circumstances, you have plenty of time, the fact you have other children to be thinking of means you shouldn't be rushing. But if you didn't want her opinion, you shouldn't have told her.

FoxtrotOscarFoxtrotOscar · 01/04/2024 18:16

Your boyfriend doesn't want to marry.

lovehatelovehate · 01/04/2024 18:18

Your partner’s reaction would seriously worry me. I would definitely focus on clarifying that before thinking about having a baby!

Original poster
AquaOtter · 01/04/2024 18:18

Whinge · 01/04/2024 18:04

Me either.

he said he wanted a bigger celebration lol (role reversal?!) and said let’s save up more money

If you have a baby first you'll have 3 children between you, and all the costs that come with that. I've seen plenty of people who say they'll get married later, and very few actually end up doing so. You're laughing about it, but this excuse about saving up more money is a huge red flag.

Show quote history

Thank you 🙏 yes so true. Always good to be on your guard. I know my partner though and we are very committed. He has always been the one chasing me and we are solid. When we got engaged I did make these big wedding plans. He said that I’ll regret it if we don’t have the big wedding that I dreamed off, but I’ve come to realise having a big party doesn’t mean anything ! I would rather have a smaller celebration. Thanks so much for your advice. It’s given me lots to think about ❤️ xxx

OP posts: