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Original poster

We are trying for a baby and I’m so excited but my parents are not

105 replies

AquaOtter · 01/04/2024 17:48

I have been with my partner for three years, we are engaged to be married and live together in a three bed house with my daughter and his son from his previous relationship. We both work full time and earn good wages. I work in the civil service who offer excellent maternity pay and lots of benefits. I have a very good and stable job. My partner works as a freelance lorry driver. We’ve decided to try for a baby and have planned that the baby will be in our room for the first couple years so we will have time to find a bigger house. I told my mum we’ve decided to try for a baby first and get married when we have built up more savings. I am 32 and he is 37 so we feel like time isn’t on our side. My mum went absolutely mad when I told and starting shouting at me that she won’t be around to help out and that I’m throwing away my career. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life in an office. I LOVE being a mother more than anything. My job is a means to an end and it doesn’t bring me happiness like my child does. I don’t understand why she’s being so unsupportive. I’ve worked very hard to get to this point in my life and I think she’s being so unreasonable. I’m 32 in a secure relationship with a reliable partner who earns a good wage, not a teenager in trouble but that is how she is treating me. I’m thinking I should put the baby plans on hold until we are married and have a bigger house but that could be many years away. I don’t want to have a baby in my 40s. What should I do?

OP posts:
Original poster
AquaOtter · 01/04/2024 19:04

Whinge · 01/04/2024 18:04

Me either.

he said he wanted a bigger celebration lol (role reversal?!) and said let’s save up more money

If you have a baby first you'll have 3 children between you, and all the costs that come with that. I've seen plenty of people who say they'll get married later, and very few actually end up doing so. You're laughing about it, but this excuse about saving up more money is a huge red flag.

Show quote history

Thank you. You guys don’t know me or my partner so you’ll have to take my word for it when I say our relationship is solid. I’m not saying he has refused to get married in a small ceremony. I’m just saying he had a PREFERENCE to have a nicer wedding and I’m happy to go along with that. If we had the money of course I’d want a nice big wedding. He’s just thinking of me. Since reading your comments I’m going to consider the small wedding. He WILL go along with that if that’s what I tell him I want, however a relationship is comprise not just what I want. It’s his wedding day too. Thanks for all thoughts it’s been good reading and has helped me consider different views Xx

OP posts:
Ponderingwindow · 01/04/2024 19:07

If you poke around, this board is littered with posts by women who are partnered with men who promised to marry after the children were born. It’s not a role reversal. It’s got to be written in the men’s how to be a walking red flag manual at this point.

mahaka · 01/04/2024 19:09

I personally don’t see the problem having a baby before getting married, my best friend had two babies before marrying her husband so ive been influenced by that success

On this basis, and to answer your question, definitely put baby plans on hold

Behonest32 · 01/04/2024 19:14

AquaOtter · 01/04/2024 17:48

I have been with my partner for three years, we are engaged to be married and live together in a three bed house with my daughter and his son from his previous relationship. We both work full time and earn good wages. I work in the civil service who offer excellent maternity pay and lots of benefits. I have a very good and stable job. My partner works as a freelance lorry driver. We’ve decided to try for a baby and have planned that the baby will be in our room for the first couple years so we will have time to find a bigger house. I told my mum we’ve decided to try for a baby first and get married when we have built up more savings. I am 32 and he is 37 so we feel like time isn’t on our side. My mum went absolutely mad when I told and starting shouting at me that she won’t be around to help out and that I’m throwing away my career. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life in an office. I LOVE being a mother more than anything. My job is a means to an end and it doesn’t bring me happiness like my child does. I don’t understand why she’s being so unsupportive. I’ve worked very hard to get to this point in my life and I think she’s being so unreasonable. I’m 32 in a secure relationship with a reliable partner who earns a good wage, not a teenager in trouble but that is how she is treating me. I’m thinking I should put the baby plans on hold until we are married and have a bigger house but that could be many years away. I don’t want to have a baby in my 40s. What should I do?

If you can afford the rent/mortgage and childcare fees on top, then great.
I have good wage working at council as a SW, partner is self-employed and also earns good wage. However, we have found it difficult to manage all payments. Whilst you are not preg, get maternity pay confirmed, look at nurseries and get a cost for full time hours if you plan to return full time, if you can justify it all then go for it!

Grandmasswagbag · 01/04/2024 19:14

I mean I wouldn’t scream and shout, but if my dd was in the same situation as you I would certainly have big concerns.

claudiawinklemansfringetrimmer · 01/04/2024 19:31

Whatdoido1987 · 01/04/2024 17:55

You're 32, I'd tell my mum to keep her opinions to herself!

By the same token though, I wouldn’t tell my mum I’m trying to conceive. I’m an adult and that’s a decision for me and DH to make privately

haveyoutriedturningitoffandonagain · 01/04/2024 19:41

A few things, I do not mean them to sound harsh but assume you want honesty.

Firstly, don't tell your mother! You're an adult.

Secondly, a child together will HUGELY change the dynamic between the family. The two existing children should be your priority in this decision. They may be better off with your focus on them. Don't go assuming an "us" baby will bring the family together it could quite easily blow it apart.

he said he wanted a bigger celebration lol (role reversal?!) and said let’s save up more money
Not really a lol. For a lot of people that would be a massive issue.

Finally, you have clearly done well for yourself, creating a career and being able to support your child as a single parent. This is no easy task. Your mum is just worried you'll throw it all away for a bloke you aren't married to who could walk away and leave you holding the baby

haveyoutriedturningitoffandonagain · 01/04/2024 19:42

Also there aren't as many 4 bed houses around as 3 beds so you may struggle to relocate

FreebieWallopFridge · 01/04/2024 20:03

There is no way I would deliberately plan to be financially reliant on someone else while simultaneously impacting my ability to earn by taking time out from work without the legal protections that come with marriage. Especially not when the children involved aren’t jointly shared between you. (The older I get, the more aware I am of things like wills, custody arrangements for children and so on.) And definitely not without it being a shared choice with shared understanding of the impacts and burdens that result from a decision for one parent to step back at work.

Even then, I absolutely wouldn’t do it in a house that’s not big enough. With your plan as it stands all there is is increasing costs and outgoings with reducing income. That’s not a circle that’s easy to square, and on top of that it’ll be in a house where you’re all top of each other once you do have a baby. It’s a recipe for some very difficult times, which will likely impact negatively on your relationship.

Small wedding, financial planning to assess what’s feasible, difficult conversations about ‘what happens if….’. Then talk about babies.

Kittenkitty · 01/04/2024 20:04

You’ve not really answered whether you will be receiving support of your Mum if your baby plans go ahead?

Sunnnybunny72 · 01/04/2024 20:09

Do they help you much?
How often does your DD see her DF. Not 50/50??

lemonstolemonade · 01/04/2024 20:10

We know people who had a small wedding for practical reasons and then a massive christening party. There are always good options for a big party, so I'd get married first

SwordToFlamethrower · 01/04/2024 20:13

Why should you go through pregnancy, permanent body changes, labour, injury, breastfeeding, vulnerability, etc, but not with the safety net of marriage?

You need some security before putting yourself into a position where you're reliant on a man to take care of you.

Dontbeme · 01/04/2024 20:15

Did one of you move into the other one's house or did you purchase the house together? What is contact time like for your children, are the other parents involved 50/50 and does your mother provide childcare currently?

I ask these questions as the answers might explain your mother's reaction. Three years to date, move in together and blend families, deal with co-parenting and get engaged, then try for another child seems a brisk pace.

DisforDarkChocolate · 01/04/2024 20:18

No idea why you're tell anyone you were trying to conceive.

Apart from that she may well think three years isn't long enough to add another child to your family.

Teeheehee1579 · 01/04/2024 20:25

You are clearly close enough to your mum to tell her you about to have sex with your boyfriend so… I think she see’s more than you realise but probably don’t want to see. Giving up a career (whether you think it is fulfilling or not) and brining a new baby into a relationship with two other children with zero protection (and even then frankly I think you should have a serious think about that part and the implications) is a bad idea and I expect your mum worries that you will be left high and dry again. I don’t blame her for being firm about the childcare, I am sure she was a big support to you when you were last left on your own with child (since you appear close enough to have this discussion with her). The best thing to do would be to take a head over heart look at this relationship and wonder why she may have reacted like this. I suspect you won’t though.

ShoNuff · 01/04/2024 20:30

Get married before you have a baby and take a career break. It would be very stupid not to. You can have a ‘wedding’ later on down the line, but get married in the registry office asap. If your DP doesn’t want to do this, I’d seriously put any baby plans on hold.

Other than that, tell your Mum to mind her own.

WillYouPutYourCoatOn · 01/04/2024 20:34

Do not. I repeat, do not, have this child without the marriage first.

The things your DP is saying is exactly what every thread on here says when the man has left her high and dry holding the children. Down to the woman insisting he was never the type, and she can't believe he's done this.

Seriously OP. There are hundreds, probably thousands of threads that almost quote your DP word for word. All with women who were certain their DP would never be this way.

Your mum clearly thinks the same. Did you use her for your childcare with your first? And she naturally assumes she'll end up doing the same again? Or can see history repeating itself so to speak and that your DP is not going to be a long term partner, so she's cross that she's going to be picking up the slack of a useless ex DP again?

This is quite worrying the more you think about it. Genuinely, no children unless he marries you. Tell him so. You'll soon find out his true intentions.

ClaudiaWinklepanda · 01/04/2024 20:38

You said you've worked so hard to get to where you've got to, and that your mum is concerned you're throwing away your career. Even if you don't like your current job, I think it's a huge mistake to just chuck in work to look after children, you may never get a meaningful career (even one you do like!) back.

LivingDeadGirlUK · 01/04/2024 20:41

AquaOtter · 01/04/2024 17:55

Thank you ! I really want to get married first and I said to my OH let’s just do it at our local church and then have a small party in a village hall afterwards, but he said he wanted a bigger celebration lol (role reversal?!) and said let’s save up more money … I obviously was not married with my first and I would really like to have that security. Maybe I should talk to him about it again

Show quote history

I think that's a bit of a red flag tbh, when will be the 'right' time then? It's not the party that's important, its the security of marriage before having a baby and taking a break out of your career.

Ignore your mum but please make sure you are not rushing into a baby because of your age, its a lot easier for him to placate you with a baby if he isn't actually 100% about marriage, because its you that will be left holding the baby if he leaves.

aroalfks · 01/04/2024 20:44

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TheShellBeach · 01/04/2024 20:46

Who owns the house?

Who is the higher earner?

Lanore · 01/04/2024 20:52

Most women who have babies with the partner who wants to “wait and have a big wedding in a few years” find that the wedding never actually happens. There will never, ever, be a time in your life when it makes financial sense to have a big wedding. And once you’ve had children with him your partner will slowly lose interest in the big wedding idea. Yeah I know ‘your man is different’ everyone thinks that OP and men change a great deal. Do not let your partner decide this for you.

I really recommend that you have a lower budget small romantic wedding and then try for the baby. There is nothing romantic about waiting a decade to wear a £2k dress you can’t wear again and buying dinner for hundreds of people you hardly know. Why not be a little more imaginative and design your own wedding?

And of course don’t wait until your forties lol half the women who try to get pregnant in their early forties can’t, plus the risk of downs system is a big deal.

Your mum sounds very worried for you. Get married, then have baby, then decide as a couple how long you’ll sahm for.

mintbiscuit · 01/04/2024 21:02

Hi OP, quick question. Who is the higher earner in your relationship? Who has more assets in the relationship?

Theredfoxfliesatmidnight · 01/04/2024 21:05

It sounds like in telling her your pregnancy plans, you threw in the info that you'd be able to work and have an additional baby because she would help. I think that she's being very clear that if you have another baby, she's not going to be your babysitter. So make any decision with that in mind.