The Hut of Gl/Doom Part VI - And Yes, We've Tried Fecking Relaxing!

[OracleInaCoracle]

new home. I liked the decor in the old one, nless someone wants to redecorate!

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blimey, everyone really is having a crap time! soosy, Im so sorry
wheely. shitty wanky doctors. who the fuck do they think they are, they are messing with peoples lives here!
herby hows the adoption thing going?
viksam, yep. told me to effing relax, go on holiday... well, i would but i have to have yet another camera shoved up my uterus on tuesday, not feeling very holiday-ey
duchesse, hi!
shreks, totally understand, but we wil always be here! (probably)

SM - hope your new thinking works for you. Good luck and keep us posted.

Lissie - hope tomorrow goes ok.

I spent the weekend sobbing at the drop of a hat - at pregnant women, people with more than 1 child and most ridiculously in church because DH only got 1 yorkie bar and people with more children got more than 1 .
(DH 'I didn't want more than 1 yorkie bar' Me 'its not about the feckin' yorkie bar').

Off to ACU tomorrow for clomid checking scan - DH is going to come so we can try and get some answers/further info on this cyst and see what we need to do to get on waiting list for Lap.

Hugs to all...

Period started. I started clearing out baby clothes. They may as well go to someone who's going to use them...

annie, that's awful. I can't help thinking that even with your raised FSH, if your husband adopted a more healthy lifestyle he might be able to improve the quality of his sperm and you might be able to override your problem. Do you both take take zinc? You might also benefit from selenium (H&B actually sells a zinc + selenium supplement now I come to think about it)

Exactly five years today since we discontinued contraception.

It never occurred to me back then that we wouldn't have a bouncing 4 yr old by now. How wrong could I be?

(((hugs)) for you all, you all seem so down.

I have tried to avoid posting here before, as if posting in the hut of gloom is actually admitting to myself how bad i feel.

I have just started spotting, i am on cd25 and was convinced untill the morning that this was my month. we have been trying for 2 and a half years for our 2nd, i had a mmc in feb and had 2 8 week miscarriages before having our daughter who's 3 and a half.

I cant do it any more, i am having horrible thoughts, feel completly useless and pathetic.

I dont want to think about it all the damn time but i cant stop. I want my life to be about normal life things, not opks, cervical mucous and piss recepticls.

i cant do it any more.. how do i stop though, is it possible to give up trying ?

sarah

I wish i knew, WM. I thought I was dedicated to the adoption route - after 10 months nagging we've now been on the prep course, and have to now fill in forms.

However, one's a medical form, and I have to say whether I'm seeing any consultants. And I've got an appointment with a fertility specialist next month. They won't allow you to adopt if you're trying for your own. So, what to do?

I can't seem to give up trying for my own, so was going to 'twin track' adoption and TTC and see what happened first. In my heart of hearts I'd assumed I'd get pregnant, as for my previous four pregnancies (which all ended in MC) none took more than six months. But it's been more than a year now. Hence the fertility consultant.

I'm in a right two-and-eight.

It sounds like a bit of a nightmare. I think i'd be inclined to say your not seeing anyone, your going to see someone next month but your not actually seeing anyone
at the moment are you, be creative.

I'm not sure how thats sits with you ?

sorry for your losses

i was considering being somewhat economical with the truth, indeed. Waiting until after I'd seen her to fill in the form, for example. Trouble is, the GP has to fill in part of it, and I don't know if private medical stuff goes on one's NHS records...

Or, as I've conceived four times no probs, assume there isn't actually anything the matter with me except old age (I'm 42, and last conceived at 41) and keep going naturally, with grapefruit juice, and all that. How likely is it that something has gone wrong post last pregnancy? I have regular periods, ov pains, all that. Maybe a tube got blocked, or something...

Anyway, I've been posting this drivel all over mumsnet, so I'll be quiet now.

Commiserations all round.

Annie - that's a hard thing to hear, I imagine. It certainly can't help getting healthier etc (although DH and I have been doing it since January and its not made a blind bit of difference, although I am at least a lot thinner which is a small consolation).

Worzsel - sorry you've felt the need to enter the hut. I don't know how you give up. I wish I did. Sometimes I can think 'well its not so bad if this is it' and then something happens that makes me realise how much I want another one. My dd is 3.5 too (as I think are many of our first ones).

Herb - i think you have to be economical with the truth - you won't be the first and certainly not the last.

Not much to report here - on day 21 of first clomid cycle. Had scan and bloods today to check I ovulated, which as I do anyway, it was no surprise to find I had. So, am not expecting any miracles.

anniemac, hey long time no talk *waves !

I know its my problem, i had a glorious chlamadia ( 4yr relationship with bloke who tured out to be a uber twat ) then PID infection which ravaged my tubes, i was told at the time ( ten years ago ) that i'd probably find it hard to concieve due to the damange it caused. I have concieved 4 times since then, 3 mc and my daughter. I have been told that chlamadia can damage your eggs too, which is fab. I should imagine it did a lot of damage too since i didnt know i had it til it went to PID and it took 3 weeks to shift that with some hefty antibiotics.

I have had some primary investigations thought my GP, ultrasound and hysteroscopy which were fine and cd 21 bloods (

It was cruel, so cruel i couldn't imagine what i had done to deserve it. Thats life though and 6 months on i can just about reason with myself that it was just one of those things. I still cant really think about it, i am so bitter, i cant speak to any of my friends who are pregnant it just isnt fair and they just don't get it.

I have a massive chip on my shouldar about it, i can look at myself and can see it but i cant change it, pathetic really. maybe i find being pathetic theraputic, infact i think that is it. definatly.

Chlamadia is a bitch isnt it although i think if its caught pronto then it doesnt usually do any damage, so i woudnt worry to much in your case . I didnt have a clue i'd been with this twat for years and didnt realise he was also with half of the local town and god knows who else, he was a squaddie and i was naieve, besotted and completly invincable.. its shit when you can look back over your life and see the exact decisions you have made that your still living with the consequences of years later. How i wish i hadn't been so reckless, or stupid.

i really am glad there is a post specifically for this, its been good to get it off my chest, i hope you don't mind to much lol.

How are you getting on with it all anyway ?

On the uber-fertile note - I bumped into one of my NCT friends who I hadn't seen for a while. She, obv, has a daughter the same age as dd and then had dd2 around the time I would have been due with dc2 and she tells me that she's pregnant again -BY ACCIDENT WHILST SHE HAD THE COIL IN.......

How can that be fair ??????

It isnt fair but i dont think all uber fertile people take it for granted. my best mate had 2 babies in 12 months and was then sterilised and she feels terrible for curtailing her fertility when i would do anything to improve mine.

That said, if i have to read ' we ony did it once, or dh only has to look at me' and i think i will have a break down.

one sil's pregnant, due 4 weeks after i should have been nd the other sil is ttc and i just know she'll be pregnant soon and iknow i wont be able to cope with that atall.

anniemac,i cant remember how long you have been trying hun, have you tried just relaxing ;)

seriously though what have you tried ?

i am considering buying clomid from the interweb, i now thats bad but i am seriously considering it

I'm considering buying internet clomid too. When I'm not thinking about donor eggs, or witchcraft, or putting nutmeg under the bed, as one mumsnetter suggested.

I can't even look at pregnant women. I can barely engage with my (younger) sis, who has three children, one a new baby, all conceived within a month or so, perfect age gaps, rich husband, cleaner, etc etc. She must think my life's so shit. Good job, fun hobbies. Whoop.

And of course, as annoyingly chirpy bastards keep telling us, that the negativity itself makes it harder to conceive. Unless we've actually given up, when it will happen miraculously.

At least in the hut we all have common feelings, and all understand that we're not actually bad people, just turned bad by this utter shittery.