Cd1 of ttc first cycle after loss... anyone want to join me? 🙂

[Ladyinpink1]

Hi 🙋‍♀️, just as the title says, I am now on cd1 of my first cycle after a loss at 11+4 (stopped growing just after a scan showing strong heartbeat at 8 -9w)

Feeling nervous but positive about a new cycle ...but finding it hard to think of anything else other than ttc 🙂

Happy for some company to obsess with over these next weeks x

Thanks for all the support guys, really appreciate it 🩷

I've no idea what's going on with my cycle this month. Got peak on advanced digital OPK and strip OPKs along with egg whites on Friday which is about 5 days earlier than normal but my temp is still low today. I thought I would have ovulated yesterday but maybe today is the day. We've managed to DTD 3 days in a row, not sure my husband will be up for a 4th day.

I'm a bit stressed about it all so I think next cycle I might try just having sex every other day and not track at all and see if that works. We're normally once a week or twice at a push kind of people so not sure how we'll get on.

@Bugdem123 ahh, it’s so so frustrating when you’re thinking you’re about to ovulate and then you’re not sure if you have. For what it’s worth, I had this massively in my last cycle (pic attached), I got very discouraged after the drop on 3 days after my positive opk (which the app now thinks was actually my day of ovulation). in some cycles my bbt shoots up after I ovulate and in others it’s up and down / slow rise / fallback rise. See my FF attached for this month. Still not 100% sure when I actually ovulated - but I know I did (from a progesterone test and, well, actually conceiving!) x

@graceinc22 thank you, that's really reassuring! The conceiving definitely shows you've ovulated 😂. I think I'm freaking out a bit more as I'm already worried something is wrong as my period has been so light since my MC so the OPKs being positive early and then my temp not going up has really thrown me. I think I've just completely lost faith and trust in my body since the MC. When I first started properly tracking earlier this year, it was textbook and it gave me so much faith and reassurance that my body was doing it all "right" and now that things are all over the place, it's just making me feel stressed. Think I might need to step back from the tracking, at least for a cycle but then I'm worried I'll miss a good chance 🤯. TTC post loss is a bloody minefield.

@Bugdem123 really tough when our bodies don't behave! You might get a second surge, maybe your body tried to ovulate but didn't so it'll do it again more in line with normal timing - I think that can happen but if not this month then maybe sod the testing off for a month to at least give yourself a bit of a break ❤️

Lots to catch up on after a busy weekend and not much time online! If I miss anybody, hope you are all okay.

@Aaliyahrae Sorry to hear you have still been really poorly - how are you feeling now? I hope things are improving. Good news about your scan though, that must be reassuring to see that baby is growing and everything is looking good so far.

@wyto Lovely update on your scan too, so pleased that you got to see the little heartbeat and all is looking good - completely understandable that you found it a really emotional moment!

@moosey89 Any sign of AF yet, or anything happening on your tests? That's so frustrating to not know exactly what's going on. I think it's really brave of you to have those conversations with your partner and confront the possibility of a future that looks different to what you hoped or expected. And I just wanted to reiterate what everyone else has said about how there's no such thing as bringing the mood down here - this is a space for however anybody is feeling at any given time, whether you have good news or need to vent. I've been totally blown away by the support offered here, from people I've never met, just because we're all in the same boat and understand what everyone else is going through.

@samilicious Welcome and so sorry to hear about your experiences. Sounds like maybe I'm the minority being able to hold my pee for 4 hours. 😂I do second wee with the cheap strips and just try not to drink as much water as normal in the morning (difficult as I drink loads of water usually!) - when I'm getting towards peak I also use the CB digital tests and those ones are specifically meant to be for FMU.

@graceinc22 Tests are looking very good! Good plan to step away from them - I think there's definitely a point where they don't tell you anything else. How are you feeling at the moment?

@SnookyPook Hope you are feeling okay at the moment too - you know you're feeling chill when you even forget to buy tests while you're out shopping. 😅

@GeorgeR28 Sorry to hear that AF showed up - don't feel silly for being hopeful though, I was exactly the same a couple of weeks ago and I was gutted when my period arrived. I think it has to be seen as a positive that you haven't had any symptoms of the endometriosis coming back yet, I really hope it stays that way for you.

@Bugdem123 I completely feel you with the sadness around Christmas, it's so loaded with a sense of 'what might have been'. I'm filling my diary with absolutely loads of social engagements this month in the hope that it will distract me (and hopefully distract me from all of the waiting around for ovulation and then the TWW as well).

@Ladyinpink1 Well done for holding off on the testing! It's quite nice to have more days of not having to pee on a stick or into a pot, isn't it?!

CD7 for me today, this cycle already feels like it's going a bit quicker than the last one, had a really busy weekend and have lots of stuff going on in the run up to Christmas so I'm hoping that will keep me distracted and maybe take a bit of the pressure off as well as I'll have lots of other things to think about.

@CluelessInLondon thank you - af arrived today, 4 days later than usual. On to month 5 since most recent loss. Honestly I don't know how much more heartache I can take, wish I could just stop the world spinning for a bit 😞

@moosey89 I'm so sorry - so cruel it comes late as well as it makes us hope. Try to look after yourself particularly this week - how long is it until you get your results back? I think I remember you were having some done. Either way sending love x @CluelessInLondon I'm glad this cycle is going quick for you, mines dragging very slowly so trying to stay productive and occupied

I was due with a Christmas baby before I miscarried and I’m finding this time of year so hard thinking that I should be fat and huge and waiting for my baby and I’m not. And our friends who were due in Jan are going to have their baby early before Christmas and I want to be happy for them but also finding it really hard. It feels like a whole lifetime has passed since we were both telling eachother we were expecting and she got her happy ending and I didn’t.

I know I’m pregnant now and I should be grateful but it isn’t taking away from what should have been, if that makes sense.

@SunSparkle so sorry you're finding this time of year hard. You can still grieve your previous pregnancy whilst being hopeful for this one, they aren't mutually exclusive feelings ❤️

Your feelings are completely valid and it's so much better to acknowledge them rather than trying to ignore them. If I find out I'm pregnant this month, I will still feel sad about the baby that would have been 5 months along in pregnancy at Christmas x

@moosey89 @SunSparkle @ThelastRolo20 it is so hard isn’t it? I was supposed to be due in Jan/Feb and feel the exact same way. The morning sickness is heightening this because although i’m so grateful to be pregnant again, I can’t help but thing ‘but I should be past this awful sick stage now!’. I don’t entirely enjoy being pregnant, it increases my anxiety and I panic about everything. I just love the little thing that comes at the end so finding it hard being right at the beginning when I should be right at the end. Then I feel guilty about it because I’m like but you’re so blessed to be here. My DP’s best friend is having his baby in January and we found out we were pregnant days apart and although I’m so happy for them, I still feel the ‘what if’. Ladies, we aren’t alone in this. It’s crazy because we’re all strangers, probably living miles apart but all share the same emotions. Thinking of you all xx

Hi ladies, sorry I've been a bit quiet for a while, it was my daughters 1st heavenly birthday recently so I was staying off my phone, keeping busy and celebrating her with friends and family and it really helped me mentally ♥️

@samilicious I am so so sorry that you also had a TFMR, it's one of the most selfless things you can do, you take the pain so your baby doesn't have to. I'm also part of a TFMR TTC thread that is really supportive if you'd like me to send you a link?

@moosey89 @SunSparkle @ThelastRolo20 @Aaliyahrae I'm with you all! Don't ever feel alone. Xx

@Aaliyahrae @Vic231 thank you both ❤️ being on this thread has really helped me feel not alone x

@Vic231 Ah I’m sorry. Happy belated birthday to your little girl. Did you do anything to celebrate? x

@Vic231 aw happy heavenly birthday to your little one - I'm glad you were able to celebrate her with your loved ones 💕

@SunSparkle @moosey89 @ThelastRolo20 @Aaliyahrae Christmas was always going to be poignant for all of us I imagine. I should have been celebrating my little ones first Christmas as a tiny 2 month old. Instead I'll be nervously right in the midst of yet another trimester 1... Although I know that that in itself is also a privileged place to be. If my later losses had worked out I would have also been through 12wk scan etc. As it is, I'm not sure I will dare to share our news... And just hoping I'm not having to deal with another loss right in the midst of it all. So many complicated emotions and thoughts to process. At least we all have this thread to share these thoughts with others who (sadly) get it. 💕

Thank you @SnookyPook and @Aaliyahrae 🤍 We went out for lunch and a nice dinner and put up the Christmas tree as a little present to her - plan to get a new bauble for her each year and put it on the tree on her birthday 🥰 it was really lovely and having a day of doing nice carefree things was really needed x

@Vic231 that sounds really lovely and a great way to remember your little one😊❤️

@Vic231 aw what a special way to honour her 🥰 I LOVE the bauble idea. ❤️

@Vic231 the bauble is a lovely idea. Happy belated heavenly birthday to your daughter 🩷

@moosey89 so sorry that AF arrived. I totally relate to the feeling of just wanting the world to stop for a bit.

@CluelessInLondon I think you're right about keeping busy. I have a lot on this week so hopefully it'll pass the time.

My temp is up this morning so I maybe ovulated yesterday. FF has it tentative as Saturday but I'm not convinced by that, I think it was likely Sunday night or Monday, if at all. So I'm anywhere between 1-3DPO. I've put myself on a test ban until the 16th.

Had a proper chat with my husband about how I'm feeling and we've agreed that next cycle he's going to hide the tests and we're just going to have sex every other day. I'm getting too obsessed and upset when things aren't exactly as I think they'll be or were before and that can't be helping either of us.

I also had a phone call with the lead nurse of the EPU and ward I had my medical management on and discussed a few ( a lot 😅) of my concerns and gave suggestions as to what I think she could do to improve things. She said there was one thing in particular she could implement as of today so hopefully other women don't have to have as bad an experience as I did and she'd take forward my other suggestions to their working group.

Hope you're all okay x

@Bugdem123 great that the hospital has seemed responsive. Were you happy with how they spoke to you and dealt with it? really important that you raised things which will hopefully improve the experience for other women. It’s just such a horrendous time when you’re going through a miscarriage and when things aren’t they should be in the care you receive, just adds to it.

@SunSparkle @Aaliyahrae @SnookyPook (and others) - yes, being pregnant doesn’t take away the grief, those babies of ours were still lost. Ive been finding it really strange feeling being pregnant again and knowing the new baby would have had an older sibling, who they won’t get to meet in this life (I’m a Christian and believe the baby is in heaven and I hope they will meet in eternity). Especially strange knowing that this baby wouldn’t have come into existence at this time if I hadn’t lost my first, as I’d still be pregnant!

@graceinc22 yeah, I think she genuinely was interested in what I had to say and my thoughts on my experience but I think ultimately the biggest issues are outwith her control. She apologised for how bad it was and I think hearing her say it wasn't acceptable has helped as I was worried I was being dramatic or expecting too much. She said she's trying to implement a cultural change over the use of language and making the staff understand the impact mc has on women.

The biggest issue I had was being expected to take the medication in a 4 in a room ward and pass the baby in a toilet that I was sharing with those 4 other women, one of whom was also having the same procedure. I honestly still can't believe that that's deemed normal. Her explanation was that they only have 3 private rooms and they're usually in use by patients who are dying. I said I couldn't understand why women are being forced into this when other women who have terminations get to do it at home. I was "lucky" in that it did happen for me at home an hour before I went into hospital but I still had some retained clots which they wanted me to stay in for. I can still hear the partner of the woman next to me trying to comfort her, it was so traumatising. She did say they want to try a pilot of allowing women to do it at home so maybe that will change one day. I know if I'm ever in that situation again, I'd probably take the pills and then discharge myself.

@GeorgeR28 that's interesting that you use both, might give them both a go!

@ThelastRolo20 @Ladyinpink1 thank you! I thought it was, but Flo made it seem like 90% stuff was negative which confused me when I tried to log it.

@Bugdem123 I'm so sorry to hear about your faith being rocked in your body after your MC. I was the same and it affected my confidence and so many things, I was just to angry at myself when TTC after my MC, like my body was just playing tricks on me for a laugh with symptoms I'd had after conceiving before. Stopping tracking and time off work/counselling really helped me feel better and then a month after that, what do you know, I conceived my DD who was a textbook pregnancy. That counselling and all I learned really helped me go through my TFMR after my DD as well. Big hugs, it's a sh*tty place to be in ♥️

@Bugdem123 just read your last post, that's absolutely shocking that that's what your trust do. Thank god you didn't have to do that. How is that ok?

Mine tried to push me to give birth in the rainbow room in the hospital with all the healthy babies being born on the same ward, but I couldn't face it so I went through BPAS instead and had a surgical procedure.

@Vic231 That sounds like a lovely way to commemorate her birthday ♥️ that would be amazing if you don't mind?

@Bugdem123 ane @samilicious i am so sorry to hear about your experiences, I had no idea that different trusts do things SO differently (and some get it so wrong??) my EPU was amazing, I had my own room and was completely separate to anyone else, and the EPU itself is separate to anywhere that heavily pregnant women/new babies would be. I didn’t realise I was lucky in my experience of that; everyone should be entitled to that sensitivity and privacy.