How old is too old to become a dad

[Molly2008]

Asking as there is a 11 year age gap with my partner me 38 him 49. Is he too old to become a dad for the first time? Do people think it would be unfair to the child?

DP is 18 years older than me. I was 35 years when DC1 was born. He was 53. DC1 is now 21. No problems with age.

I would say definitely too old

That would be too old for me, it's far too close to grandad territory.

A friend has just turned 42. She has given up work to nurse her 91 year old father who has now had 3 or 4 strokes and is bed bound/totally reliant on her for everything. She hasn’t had children because he has needed care since he was about 80 and she has felt obliged to care for him.

I’d think very carefully about it.

I couldn't imagine have a little one now, I'm the same age as your dp. My kids are at university

Your use of the present tense suggests to me you are still quite early on your parenting journey. Having a baby at 48 is fine having an 18yo at 66 is something else.

I think I'd like to ask the 18yo how they feel having a 79 year old father. My 19yo jumps out of helicopters with his 48yo DF.

I agree with this @NameChange30
If a man is not able to father a child when he's younger, through no fault of his own, becoming a father in his 40s is understandable if not ideal. But men who choose to delay fatherhood, or who already have children and choose to have more, in their late 40s and beyond are being irresponsible IMO.

It’s really not fair on kids to delay parenthood beyond mid 40s if you were just happy not committing until then, and then found a younger woman and are acquiescing to having kids as a man to keep her. I think that happens more than we care to imagine.

I don’t think many men would want to become a dad at 49/50, particularly if they have already had a family.

In my immediate family there 2 men who became fathers between 49 and 55. Neither are what you would describe as hands on. Neither child (both female FWIW) are what you would describe as confident or well adjusted. Coincidence? Maybe, but just my experience.

That’s probably true, but I see a lot of men who have not wanted to commit to families for a long time or who did commit but divorced to ‘be free’, and also hook up with younger women. And those younger women often want kids. So I see a lot of acquiescing.

My father did this. He was not really into parenting at all, didn’t parent me. He had affairs with younger women, left for younger women, and unsurprisingly remarried a younger woman. After marriage, she pushed to have children and he just went along with it, as by that time, he was 50 and I think he just wasn’t up to leaving and starting again.

@Goldencup The 18 year old concerned is very happy and loves her dad regardless of his age. They have an amazing relationship. He’s a very young 80 and works full time in the arts, which she is also very passionate about, so is an inspiration to his child, as he is to me.

I don’t think jumping out of planes in your 40s qualifies anyone to be a more effective or loving father and in the kindest possible way, your comment makes you sound sneery and ageist.

My cousin became a first time father at 51. His partner was 42. They are great parents and not too old. They never had the second though.

It's about shared interests and experience s. It may not be jumping out of planes, it might be music or surfing or sailing or travelling. My DS's GM is 80, she has a completely different perspective. Your DD's father is the same age as most of her contempories' grandparents he is unlikely to see any grandchildren. That isn't ageist, it's just a fact.

@GoldencupI agree with you that it may be a fact but it doesn’t alter his relationship with her, nor hers with his (BTW it’s not my Dd or DH). And grandchildren shouldn’t be a measure of successful parenting, should they?

I’m 58 with similarly aged DCs and I don’t believe I will live to see grandchildren as I don’t think they’ll have them but that doesn’t bother me one bit and is none of my business.
I’m an observer of this relationship in which age plays no part. I think in past decades it would be a significant factor but nowadays it isn’t, as attitudes have moved on, although some PPs on this thread about men in their 50-60s would seem to suggest otherwise.

Becoming a grand parent isn't an achievement as such, but having active and involved grandparents does make life easier for both the DC and the DGCs.

DH was 45 and 48 when our DC (now teens) were born. 50 was our cut off point.
He is sometimes impatient when they get up late or don't want to do stuff (he sometimes seems properly surprised when they don't want to go to the garden centre or the antique market i don't really want to go either!) but they have shared interests - he does sports with DS, and he and DD go to gigs, exhibitions or galleries together.

I hope jumping out of a plane isn't the criteria for being a good parent as I'm not willing to do that even if I fall in to a MN acceptable age bracket!

No! It's it up to society to decide. It's up to you and your partner. If you both want a baby go for it. If he's a first time dad he won't have anything to compare it fo.

If he wants to be a father then do it. Some people die in their twenties leaving children fatherless when the parents were young anyway.

Yes it is too old. The quality of sperm degenerates as men age and men who become father over the age of 40 are more likely to have children with special needs and depression in later life. There's enough evidence for this to be public knowledge but it's not because men don't want it to be.

its worth thinking about costs for an older child. My youngest is at uni and we pay his rent (he is taking his full entitlement of loans which gives him £90 a week which he lives on), £650 a month.
It’s a lot, we couldn’t consider retirement at this stage. Luckily we’re both under 50 so don’t want to, but it’s an expensive age. We are helping our older two out with house deposits and we absolutely need a double income.

If it can happen why not go for it? You can screen for many problems and loads of young parents I know have autistic children so it seems to be luck of the draw in many ways.

As the child of older parents I felt loved, treasured, wanted and got a lot of support and wisdom. I can appreciate having young parents is awesome but I was born to two parents who really wanted me and gave me everything. Older parents rock!

I think about 50 should be the maximum age to become a parent - you have decent chance of being around till your kid is in their 30s.

It’s older than ideal for sure, but I think it’s just about ok.

My father was 65 when I was born. He was a wonderful Dad, attentive, hands-on, patient, kind and loving. I had twenty happy years with him in my life.
My mother was 35 when I was born. She was very a cold-hearted perfectionist, refused to provide any physical affection so I never once had a hug or even got to sit cuddled up next to her. She passed away aged 45.

Just do your life, nobody else’s opinion matters one iota.