Is anyone awake? I have a really bad issue. And need to get this off my chest. And be 100 honest because the domestic abuse charity have great concerns and want me in a refuge ASAP.
I had a failed marriage last year. Age 35 and all my hopes for a child down the toilet.
Since I came back home from paris last year, I haven’t had a stable home. Staying with friends, ending up in awful situations.
I met this man a couple of months ago. It was coming to the end of the time of my stay where I was. He offered for me to stay with him. He “has a spare room” etc etc “so you don’t have to feel rushed” etc etc. Except it didn’t work out that way. He knew I had nowhere to go. And not much choice.
Over that time he became what I now know was abusive. Because he knew that I had no choice. I have been on the housing for almost a year.
I fell pregnant. We weren’t careful. It was part naïveté for me because most people it takes something like an average of one or two years or something? To fall pregnant. And I had been married and we never had fallen pregnant. It was also head in sand because I am 35 and I thought if I get pregnant then I’ll be happy anyway because I want a child.
He knew everything re contraception, my pro choice but I couldn’t ever do it personally stance on abortion, everything was laid clear. I never kept any of that from him. And I fell pregnant the second month of the relationship.
He wanted to talk about it. Hinting strongly at abortion. Eventually seemed to be coming round and is ok now. Except not. Now the abusive behaviour has escalated tonight. Our first argument since we found out and it escalated. He was vile. Even before that. But it’s been so insidious and sneaky. But today he wouldn’t let me alone.
He keeps grabbing my boobs even though he knows I have sore nipples. He calls me lazy because the hormones exhaust me. He keeps pestering me for sex and grabbing at me. Today I was doing the dishes and he thrust himself at my backside really hard over and over, ramming my abdomen into the wooden counter and I had to push him off cos it would hurt the baby. He wanted me to have a bath and wax my bits and then detailed the long sex session he wanted cos it was his only night off.
He doesn’t believe any of my symptoms. I had such a sore back today but he made me carry the bags and kept scoffing at my sore back.
I wanted to get a little baby gro I saw at Aldi with my own money so it would feel real. And be a sort of marker point. He wouldn’t let me.
Then he started an argument because he asked me to do the dishes even tho I’m exhausted and in pain I did them then he went mad because I got water on the counter top.
I went to the other room for some space and he wouldn’t allow it. He always does that he doesn’t give me a minute to breathe. He locks me in at night cos he works nights because he only has one set of keys. But the lady at the domestic thing on the phone said how hard is it to get a copy made?
He escalated tonight with his body language, his raised voice, and his vile words.
I told everything to this lady so obviously it’s a lot longer than this but she said she’s highly concerned. She said to ring them in the morning to try to get a refuge. Because she is concerned he will escalate further now with the pregnancy. She said you’ve known less than a week and he has already escalated. And that I need to act normal and be very careful and not let on about leaving until I get a women’s refuge.
I have been so foolish. But I was so embarrassed. I even called an abortion clinic. But I can’t. I want my baby. I feel a very strong urge now of protect mode. He makes me flinch. I never flinch I do boxing and mixed martial arts and I just don’t flinch easily. But it’s started recently.
Im so stupid. I was careless because I was convinced I would never be able to have a baby. And I was naive about the reality of him. When I spoke to the lady everything suddenly fell into place in my head and made sense, in a way that there is no doubt. Before I kept doubting myself. Making excuses for him. Blaming myself.
Im so stupid. I know I am. But this is the truth now and I hope someone is awake and that I don’t get a bashing on here.
I’m more than happy to bring my baby up alone. More than. I want nothing to do with him. I hate him. He’s vile. He’s so racist it makes me sick. He’s so nasty about people. He gets so angry when he drives that I get scared to talk cos he snaps. Earlier in the car when I said I didn’t want sex he properly changed like his actual face just changed. I tried to stroke his face and he got nasty. Complaining that it’s been ages when it hasn’t- we had sex I think the day after or two days after I found out? And I helped him with a hand job in that time too. All this while I’m trying to get used to what’s happening to my own body right now. So I agreed to bath and wax and do the whole session thing. We only found out a few days ago. Since then we’ve had sex and he has had two hand jobs. I get nothing sexually back.
He never asks how I am, or helps me if I’m struggling. Unless he’s in a “good” mood he might say it’ll be ok or something. But for him it’s like I’m making it up and nothing is happening to my body. He accuses me of exaggerating and so I tell him to google it if he doesn’t know what happens in the beginning weeks. He won’t do that.
I just want me and my baby away from him. I’m so scared I’m going to miscarry from the stress or that he will do something so I sleep on my side one leg over so my tummy is hidden. It hurts to sleep that way. I’m in the spare room now and still I can’t sleep cos I can’t get comfortable that way.
The lady I spoke to said that this is incredibly high risk for escalating and she’s extremely concerned. For my safety and the baby. She told me to delete all call logs (I found last night he had gone through my messages because my phone must have been open when he came in - I always watch something when I sleep and it auto plays for a few hours then turns off, so he had access and knows my pin anyway cos he told me he’s been cheated on loads so I don’t hide anything and I have nothing to hide - but I was asleep when he came in. When I opened my phone in the morning, it was open on a text from a male friend that I hadn’t opened up and it was texts way down so no way I could have done that in my sleep. This is the friend that he once drove me to for me to drop off something and because I was there for more than 5 minutes he told me he was convinced we were up to something and was about to burst in and get violent or drive off and leave me stranded. I wasn’t there long). Anyway so the lady she said delete all these phone logs with the helplines and keep all notes and things hidden. And to act like normal as best as I can and not to tell him I’m leaving as scared he will get violent. She said it’s so high risk.
He’s so controlling. He belittles me all the time. He won’t ever let me be. He works nights and so it’s better for me to sleep in the spare room because I can’t sleep knowing I’ll be woken up in the early hours, cos he turns the lights all on and makes noise. So I’m awake until 4am then sleeping all day and it’s made me so exhausted and depressed that I have given up all the things I love. My volunteer work with young people that I want as a career. Seeing my family. Even important appointments. Then he moans that I’m not as happy as before. I try to explain that he’s changed and he says so have I. But I have changed because I can’t cope with all of this. And it’s not good for my pregnancy to sleep like that. But he won’t let me sleep in the spare room and just sleep together on days off. He said he can’t sleep without me there and that he wants me there with him. Not in here.
There is so much. I am so stupid. I was so scared I would never have a baby that I didn’t take precautions and shockingly fell pregnant the second month of being together. I was with my husband four years! I thought I had fertility issues! He just didn’t care he assumed I would just abort. But I made very clear I would not ever. Then when I did fall pregnant he tried to talk me into abortion. He told me in the beginning that years ago he got two girls pregnant and they had abortions. I don’t know what his game is, if he wants control cos I’m pregnant why talk about that? But then he very quickly turned around and said we will be ok we can do this together. Within 24 hours of talking about abortion. So I think maybe he was faking that and wants the pregnancy for control? I don’t know I just know that abusive men escalate during pregnancy. And he has already.
I’m so stupid.