Received dream job offer and now the news that we may not be able to conceive naturally

[anniz91]

Hi

I am starting my new job soon within a university (which is basically my dream job that I have been working towards for the past years), I have failed so many interviews and have now received an offer.

It couldn't have gone more perfect until me and my husband decided to go for a fertility test (just to see how we are both doing in that department). We were planning on a family next year. Of course the consultation wasn't what we both were expecting. I am fine but my partner (male) is not. My partner has a suspected blockage which prevents his cells from passing through. The semen analysis done showed no sperm cells.

To confirm, we went for a second opinion and they gave us two different stories.

Long story short, experts have told us to try 1) naturally now ( see what happens as per second opinion) 2) go for IVF if further tests show there is definitely no cells present in the next semen analysis .

My problem is I am in a situation where I know I have no choice but to try for a baby now. I am not sure where this puts me in terms of my new job employment. IF we cannot conceive naturally I would have to go through IVF which I know is not easy.

I have no idea where to go from here, do I even go for this job... 1) I probably won't receive a maternity package, 2) I may not come back to a job after maternity leave if they don't keep the position for me...3) the probation period is one year how would that affect me if I do fall pregnant during that time? 4) Would the employment keep my position for me if I get pregnant during the probation

I am really lost and would appreciate some advise if anyone was in this position ..

Hi @anniz91 I think you need to decide what is more important - a dream job or a family. In any case, i would go for this job. To conceive naturally or using IVF might take some time. And if/when you get pregnant, everything might turn to a good side at your new job, anyway. There’s lots of uncertainty at this stage. Don’t put your life on hold. I was not in this particular situation, but I had quite few similar situations with different questions. However decided to take a new job and then see the ‘’situation when the time comes”. All turned out perfect.
You might be a perfect employee at the end and they will happily wait for you after your maternity leave.

One of my colleagues found out she was pregnant the day after accepting a job with us.

She's brilliant at what she does - that's life, she'll be back in a year and we can't wait to welcome her return.

Go for the job AND the baby.

So what were the results? Did both test show no sperm in the semen? What was the story in the second analysis?

Sounds like you need a proper work up to get to the true story. From your post it sounds like “experts” don’t seem to know whether there’s sperm or not, and have suggested trying to get pregnant as a way of finding out, which doesn’t sound very expert. Where did you get these tests done?

University employment is pretty good for mat leave etc so while you may miss out on some pay, i think it’s unlikely you’ll lose your job.

I agree with above they are not mutually exclusive. Go for both.
UK unis are really pushing Athens swan, a program to create more family friendly work environments to reduce the large drop out of female staff at the the more senior levels.
In terms of a mat leave policy my uni has among the best in the country at 6 months full pay and this is offered to all staff even if you are pregnant when you start. In terms of weather your uni does this you can often find that information on their website including things like terms of service. Even if you dont qualify for pay bumps you will qualify for statutory pay

I would accept the the new job.

Then get some definitive tests to establish what the situation with DH's sperm actually is.

If he has little or no sperm or very limited mobility then I would get yourself established in your new job before starting ivf.

Your new employer will work around any pregnancy if you get pregnant naturally before then.

Take one day at a time. Work with what you have and start the new job, then hopefully everything else will fall into place after you've had time to settle in. Good luck! 😊

I really don't understand why you'd even consider not taking the job. Even if you had no issues, getting pregnant can take ages.

I would take the job. It can take up to a year to conceive naturally irrespective of any issues you might have, in many countries they won’t even entertain the idea of tests until you’ve been trying for two years.

I’m guessing you paid for fertility testing as you wouldn’t have been able to get it on the NHS at this stage, but tbh whoever it was you paid doesn’t sound particularly good at what they’re doing.

Although I agree that ttc naturally is the best course of action for now.

FWIW my eXH was told that he had very low sperm count with low motility, he was told this twice, once before we conceived DC, and again when we’d been trying for about a year for a second. As DC was conceived naturally I took the view that it obviously was possible to conceive naturally, and that it only takes one sperm, and although we didn’t manage to conceive again, he now has children with his new partner.

I wouldn’t jump into IVF straight away as it’s a brutal process, and you haven’t actually tried naturally yet, and even the experts don’t seem to think you should jump at IVF straight away.

Take the job, start TTC when you’re ready, and cross the IVF bridge in a couple of years when you’re both established in your job and have been TTC for long enough that you feel something more is needed.

Take the job! I don't understand why you wouldn't.

I work in a University and we've had plenty of people have a baby a year-ish after starting here. Never even thought twice about it. It's actually a bit of a running joke that someone in my office is always pregnant.

If you're faculty, then I know loads of faculty members with multiple kids. They don't fire you as soon as you start showing .

What everyone said, take the job.

@Aquamarine1029

I really don't understand why you'd even consider not taking the job. Even if you had no issues, getting pregnant can take ages.

Exactly this! No brainer. Start the job and see the rest. I started a new job, has 3 MCs and didn’t go on mat leave 3 years later. TTC is super stressful and it sounds like in your case might get expensive too. The new job will be a distraction and you will need the extra money for IVF and/or mat leave!

If you are in England, it’s not legal to take away a job because a woman is on mat leave. Universities are not exactly known to be discriminatory employers either. Start the job, you will be fine.

Take the job. You sound passionate about it and it would be foolhardy not to after achieving your goal.

The tests are panicking you.

100% take the job.
Its a sure thing and something you want. If a baby does come along it may or may not affect your job but you deal with it when it happens and either way you have the benefit of being employeed at X uni for Y time.
I waited for a year in role to start trying so id be established. We are reproductively "fine" it still took a good 6 months!

Turning it down "for the (notional) baby" is a terrible idea it sets a lot of expectations and pressures. Its a road to unhappiness in my opinion

You sound like you are just reeling at the minute. You need to find some calm to make rational choices.

The sperm thing you need to get to the bottom of though. If he has 0 and a blockage no amount of trying will do anything.
I also am not totally sure given you are reproductively fine ivf is the only answer. Ie i think there are less invasive choices.

What are you going to do if you don't take the job? How will that improve things?

I agree with the advice to take the job. I don’t think you have to rush into ttc, especially if your fertility results have come back fine. You’ll need the time to fully explore all the options, better understand your husband’s semen issues and to plan for things like IVF.

I think it’s mentally quite important to realise that TTC is not something you can easily control. So many unknowns. Some people do conceive easily but for many others it takes time, interventions and doesn’t go to a perfect plan. It’s also only one part of your life, it makes sense to ensure that you’re happy and satisfied with the other parts of your life - job, relationship etc as they are important too. I say this as someone who had fertility issues - it took me 6 years to have my daughter after ivf, miscarriages, and then a surprise natural conception. I still changed jobs and took promotions in that time, and I’m very thankful I did as my career is in a good place. We also tried not to lose sight of our relationship and did lots of lovely things together. Despite the challenges, I can look back at those years ttc and find happy memories. Now we’re exhausted parents, those memories are even more important.

Another vote for accepting the new job, Whatever happens will not happen very fast so I would go for it.

Definitely take the job! Even if you got pregnant straight away (unless I’m missing something about the status of this job which means it’s different from a standard UK employee-status job) you would be entitled to maternity leave from the outset, and to return to the same role provided you take no more than 6 months of maternity leave (and to the same or a similar role if you take more). You will be eligible for statutory maternity pay after a relatively short period of time. Items 2, 3 and 4 on your list really shouldn’t be a concern - as for any enhanced maternity package, obviously that’s something you’d need to check down the line but of course it could take a long time (even without issues) to conceive. Best of luck, OP!

@LivingLaVidaBabyShower

The tests are panicking you.

100% take the job.
Its a sure thing and something you want. If a baby does come along it may or may not affect your job but you deal with it when it happens and either way you have the benefit of being employeed at X uni for Y time.
I waited for a year in role to start trying so id be established. We are reproductively "fine" it still took a good 6 months!

Turning it down "for the (notional) baby" is a terrible idea it sets a lot of expectations and pressures. Its a road to unhappiness in my opinion

You sound like you are just reeling at the minute. You need to find some calm to make rational choices.

The sperm thing you need to get to the bottom of though. If he has 0 and a blockage no amount of trying will do anything.
I also am not totally sure given you are reproductively fine ivf is the only answer. Ie i think there are less invasive choices.

"The sperm thing you need to get to the bottom of though. If he has 0 and a blockage no amount of trying will do anything. I also am not totally sure given you are reproductively fine ivf is the only answer. Ie i think there are less invasive choices."

Sorry I should have explained Bretter it's a long story! Husband had an operation on his testicle 2 years ago but gave sperm samples prior. So we have some frozen, which is fine. There are two differing opinions from experts. The first consultant we didn't trust her straight away and found pretty bad reviews about her fertility clinic. So we went for a second opinion they told us that truthfully they don't believe in the results that were given to us first and that my husband needs to repeat his sperm analysis which we are doing currently. They are also investigating whether there is an actual blockage. So it's all still open in the air but me and husband are now both panicking ... he wants us to try naturally for the time being as he thinks we are running out of time... I'm just a mess and don't know where to look.

In terms less invasive choices IVF isn't my ideal , but they did say
That I could consider a artificial insemination first.

@Aimee1987

I agree with above they are not mutually exclusive. Go for both. UK unis are really pushing Athens swan, a program to create more family friendly work environments to reduce the large drop out of female staff at the the more senior levels. In terms of a mat leave policy my uni has among the best in the country at 6 months full pay and this is offered to all staff even if you are pregnant when you start. In terms of weather your uni does this you can often find that information on their website including things like terms of service. Even if you dont qualify for pay bumps you will qualify for statutory pay

How would that affect the probationary period though. If I do fall pregnant before my probationary period ends to I have the right to return to work or the right to come back to the job?

Ok firstly breathe :)

You've just found out about this and you haven't even started trying yet. This is no reason at all not to take up your job offer.

Realistically, you are unlikely to have an actual baby for at least a year, and probably quite a bit longer if you do need IVF. It could be 2 years or more until you have a child - these things take ages (Trust me, I'm going through it myself at the moment. It's been 10 months since our initial appointment where we agreed with a consultant that we will have IVF, and we still haven't started yet due to various tests, funding and waiting lists!)

Yes, there's a very small chance that you start trying now and you immediately get pregnant and have a baby in 9 months - but that is very, very unlikely and actually almost impossible if your husband's sperm count has come back as 0. It's almost like a box-ticking exercise that they want you to try for a while, which is frustrating, but you are very unlikely to get pregnant.

A year into your new job you should be entitled to any maternity benefits available.

I don't know why you wouldn't take the job, as honestly I hate to say it but it's unlikely you will even be pregnant within the next year, and if you are then you deal with that if and when it happens. If you get pregnant in say 9 or 10 months time you don't even have to tell them before your probation is up.

I think this will actually turn out to be a non-issue for you, and you should definitely take the job. Congrats on getting it by the way! :)

How would that affect the probationary period though. If I do fall pregnant before my probationary period ends to I have the right to return to work or the right to come back to the job?

They can't discriminate against you because of pregnancy, it's a protected characteristic. They would have to find some other reason for dismissal.

However, as I said above, it's likely to be a non-issue.

You are probably not going to be pregnant for quite a while, and if you do get pregnant at the 8/9/10 month mark, you just don't tell them until your probation is over.

Agree with PPs to take the job.

ACAS and other info is available online on the employment side, eg if your contract is fixed term. Sex discrimination is unlawful.

Ask for your employment contract: that will include maternity leave and pay info.

First take the job. Just take the job. It's been a dream for you so take it.

Second, deep breath about the fertility results. How old are you?

I've been through infertility and changed jobs during our years of trying. It will be ok.

Now you have a diagnosis, you can go to your GP after 6 months of trying to have tests done on the NHS. If needed they can refer you for further treatment etc.

Probation periods don't actually exist in law. It's just contract wording. It won't make a blind bit of difference

Sounds like you need to know worst case scenario if u do get pregnant immediately.
Go look at maternity actions website pregnant then screwed for all the applicable legislation and entitlements.
Your job is protected for 6 months and protected again in a slightly different way for a further 6 months.
You might not be entitled to paid leave through your job if you are already pregnant when u start get during the first months of being there. Worst case is you then claim either statutory maternity pay (if already started the job) or maternity allowance (if not started before preg started).
Remember your OH has entitlements to paternity leave - look that up. How is his work’s package?
Good luck!!