Received dream job offer and now the news that we may not be able to conceive naturally

[anniz91]

Hi

I am starting my new job soon within a university (which is basically my dream job that I have been working towards for the past years), I have failed so many interviews and have now received an offer.

It couldn't have gone more perfect until me and my husband decided to go for a fertility test (just to see how we are both doing in that department). We were planning on a family next year. Of course the consultation wasn't what we both were expecting. I am fine but my partner (male) is not. My partner has a suspected blockage which prevents his cells from passing through. The semen analysis done showed no sperm cells.

To confirm, we went for a second opinion and they gave us two different stories.

Long story short, experts have told us to try 1) naturally now ( see what happens as per second opinion) 2) go for IVF if further tests show there is definitely no cells present in the next semen analysis .

My problem is I am in a situation where I know I have no choice but to try for a baby now. I am not sure where this puts me in terms of my new job employment. IF we cannot conceive naturally I would have to go through IVF which I know is not easy.

I have no idea where to go from here, do I even go for this job... 1) I probably won't receive a maternity package, 2) I may not come back to a job after maternity leave if they don't keep the position for me...3) the probation period is one year how would that affect me if I do fall pregnant during that time? 4) Would the employment keep my position for me if I get pregnant during the probation

I am really lost and would appreciate some advise if anyone was in this position ..

Sorry shared parental leave is what you should look up re your OH

I have no choice but to try for a baby now

You have a choice.

How old are you? If you were over 40, my answer may be different but why not continue with contraception for the first few months in your new job? Particularly, if you're worried about the probationary period and making a good impression.

Take the pressure of yourself so you can concentrate on the new job, re visit this in a few months.

Take the job. The fertility news will need to be explored, managed and acted on, which will have its challenges, but it really really really isn’t a reason to turn down this job. And a job you want will be a better place from which to handle whatever comes!

Good luck.

Is this a teaching role OP? I thought universities were notorious for offering fixed term contracts - which may be influencing your opinion on job security.

@LizzieMacQueen

Is this a teaching role OP? I thought universities were notorious for offering fixed term contracts - which may be influencing your opinion on job security.

No the job is a faculty member on a permanent position not fixed. Trust me I have checked my contract a thousand times... I know how some unis are

@Twizbe

First take the job. Just take the job. It's been a dream for you so take it.

Second, deep breath about the fertility results. How old are you?

I've been through infertility and changed jobs during our years of trying. It will be ok.

Now you have a diagnosis, you can go to your GP after 6 months of trying to have tests done on the NHS. If needed they can refer you for further treatment etc.

Probation periods don't actually exist in law. It's just contract wording. It won't make a blind bit of difference

I am 30, husband is 29.

I had no idea about probation period not existing in law!!!

@SmileyClare

I have no choice but to try for a baby now

You have a choice.

How old are you? If you were over 40, my answer may be different but why not continue with contraception for the first few months in your new job? Particularly, if you're worried about the probationary period and making a good impression.

Take the pressure of yourself so you can concentrate on the new job, re visit this in a few months.

I am 30 and my husband is 29.

For me this would have been the picture I imagined, at least be in the job for 8 months and then try to conceive. However, now that husband found out he is having trouble the pressure to try now has been exacerbated.

I went for the fertility test to give husband a peace of mind that we can have kids and that we are both okay... which now has backfired completely.

@Reallyreallyborednow

So what were the results? Did both test show no sperm in the semen? What was the story in the second analysis?

Sounds like you need a proper work up to get to the true story. From your post it sounds like “experts” don’t seem to know whether there’s sperm or not, and have suggested trying to get pregnant as a way of finding out, which doesn’t sound very expert. Where did you get these tests done?

University employment is pretty good for mat leave etc so while you may miss out on some pay, i think it’s unlikely you’ll lose your job.

Basically, yes the first consultation we did was with fertility clinic that we later on after receiving the results has not got very good reviews. This was my fault because I choose the first clinic that came up on google. We didn't like the way she carried out the consultation and the fact that she was trying to sell us 'fertility packages' straight away.

Second, expert came from a urology consultant. The reason for that is that my husband had a surgery 2 years ago on one of his testicles. He did give sperm prior having the surgery so we have 12 straws frozen. The urology consultant is more trustworthy than the first opinion, he basically advised us that he does not believe that within the two years my husband could have just gone infertile and advised us to have another sperm analysis (which we are in the process of doing). Even with his surgery a blockage is very rare to leave behind.

Whilst, we are waiting for an appointment for another sperm analysis my husband (understandably) is upset and I am upset because this is not the position we thought we would be in. But all that said, everything is pretty much still open in the air but I am not receiving so much pressure from both his family and himself..

I agreed to have the fertility test to give him a peace of mind but this backfired...

So from what you say this 0% count is from a clinic with really bad reviews, and sounds like the result may well be incorrect in order to sign you up for IVF treatment with them?

Wait for the results from the urologist before you do anything. If the results are no different you can think about trying naturally then.

It sounds like this first clinic is a con. I know it’s hard but wait for the re test.

It sounds as though you're feeling huge pressure to begin ttc immediately, not only from dh but also his family?

I think it makes sense to wait a few months and settle into your new job, as you planned. You have time on your side.

As mentioned, it's likely that you'll be able to pursue less invasive methods to help you conceive, including artificial insemination, or a surgical procedure to correct your husband's blocked duct. I assume he is producing sperm in his testes, it's just not being ejaculated?

It would be crazy to make yourself unemployed on the very slim chance you may fall pregnant naturally within a year. There's probably more chance of a fertile couple falling pregnant whilst using contraception than you have.

On the tiny off chance you fall pregnant this year then of course you can continue working for the most part of your pregnancy.
You can't sit about at home for a year earning nothing, just in case you get pregnant.

On the tiny off chance you fall pregnant this year then of course you can continue working for the most part of your pregnancy

I don’t think the chance is “tiny” though.

Reading between the lines the clinic the o/p wasn’t reputable, and there is a bigger chance that the results are wrong- the dh has previously had normal sperm counts pre-op, and the consultant who did the op thinks it’s extremely unlikely he’s gone from normal to 0 sperm count in a couple of years, even taking into account complications from the surgery.

Hang in there o/p.

Take the job. Leave the TTC for a bit - wait for your new test results.

It’s understandable that you & DH are panicking, but it doesn’t sound like there’s much to panic about right now, and you’re the same age as me! You’re not at last-chance saloon.

Wait for the results from the second test. If there’s an issue, you’ll have started the job and can talk about options. If there’s not, you can stick to your plan to be well bedded in and TTC when you intended, or you can bring it forward but still make sure you’re confident and happy at work.

There’s a very real chance that if you rush through TTC now and get pregnant quickly, you or DH will feel misled and stressed. It’s a massive decision.

Like I said, I’m the same age as you, and 25 weeks pregnant with a much-planned and wanted baby that we conceived in month 2 of trying. I very much want the baby, but I feel odd at times that it was so fast, and I’ve been at my job for years, and have most things that I wanted in place. It’s a big, irreversible change.

The time limit applies to female fertility not male!

OP in the nicest possible way take the job and try to enjoy life

As someone whose husband also had fertility issues you are in a much better position than most as you have found out early to give you more time. It would have been much worse if you started trying next year then spent a year trying before tests etc. Its positive you know now. The problem would not have gone away just because you didnt know about it.

The job is totally separate. Take the job and many congrats on your dream job.

It can take years to get pregnant without issues. I remember the first month we tried to conceive and I was so excited. In the end it took us 5 years to have our first baby.

You won't lose your job if you get pregnant quickly.

If you do get pregnant quickly you should be so grateful. Chances are that it will take much longer especially if you need treatment. If you get pregnant the first month of your new job then lucky you - dream job and a baby. It could be worse. You might never get pregnant. Stop looking at the negatives and just be grateful if you get pregnant.

If you have frozen sperm you can do IUI. Success rates are low though so clinics will probably push you to ivf anyway.

You can absolutely do both. Babies take 9 months to brew, I'm
Sure you'll qualify for some Mat pay even if it were to happen straight away.

@Reallyreallyborednow

So from what you say this 0% count is from a clinic with really bad reviews, and sounds like the result may well be incorrect in order to sign you up for IVF treatment with them?

Wait for the results from the urologist before you do anything. If the results are no different you can think about trying naturally then.

It sounds like this first clinic is a con. I know it’s hard but wait for the re test.

That is my opinion I felt like she was painting a very dark picture for us both and gave us only one option to go for IVF. She also lied to us saying that my husbands blockage cannot be fixed when the urologist disregarded this and stated that it certainly can be fixed surgically and if not we could always retrieve the sperm cells using another method, if we run out of the frozen 12 stripes. Basically I really did feel uneasy about her... I do feel a bit better after speaking to the urologist but husband is still pretty upset about it all...

@SmileyClare

It sounds as though you're feeling huge pressure to begin ttc immediately, not only from dh but also his family?

I think it makes sense to wait a few months and settle into your new job, as you planned. You have time on your side.

As mentioned, it's likely that you'll be able to pursue less invasive methods to help you conceive, including artificial insemination, or a surgical procedure to correct your husband's blocked duct. I assume he is producing sperm in his testes, it's just not being ejaculated?

It would be crazy to make yourself unemployed on the very slim chance you may fall pregnant naturally within a year. There's probably more chance of a fertile couple falling pregnant whilst using contraception than you have.

On the tiny off chance you fall pregnant this year then of course you can continue working for the most part of your pregnancy.
You can't sit about at home for a year earning nothing, just in case you get pregnant.

After the fertility appointment we had a massive argument ... because I got the blame for wanting to wait before marriage to start a family. Now that we are married I received this job opportunity and I have told him I will a fertility test to rest his mind until I am over the probation period (1year). But now I'm in a dilemma ... both his mom and himself thinks we should have tried sooner before all this happened. I'm basically now in the "dog house". I'm pretty sure his family thinks I'm selfish... when I just wanted to be in a better position financially and have a job which could give me better career opportunities not just for myself but for a family ...

@Reallyreallyborednow

On the tiny off chance you fall pregnant this year then of course you can continue working for the most part of your pregnancy

I don’t think the chance is “tiny” though.

Reading between the lines the clinic the o/p wasn’t reputable, and there is a bigger chance that the results are wrong- the dh has previously had normal sperm counts pre-op, and the consultant who did the op thinks it’s extremely unlikely he’s gone from normal to 0 sperm count in a couple of years, even taking into account complications from the surgery.

Hang in there o/p.

Yes that's correct the results can likely be incorrect ... his blood tests were all within normal range which is all very "odd" if he was completely infertile

@20viona

You can absolutely do both. Babies take 9 months to brew, I'm Sure you'll qualify for some Mat pay even if it were to happen straight away.

You need to be in a job for a couple of months before you get pregnant in order to qualify for mat pay

Before that, you get maternity allowance but it’s quite a bit lower

As a basic rule of thumb, if your due date is under a year from the 1st anniversary of the date you joined, you won’t get mat pay

@SW1amp OP has stated her OH has 0 sperm so IVF may be an option that's why I said you can do both 🤷🏼‍♀️

After the fertility appointment we had a massive argument ... because I got the blame for wanting to wait before marriage to start a family. Now that we are married I received this job opportunity and I have told him I will a fertility test to rest his mind until I am over the probation period (1year). But now I'm in a dilemma ... both his mom and himself thinks we should have tried sooner before all this happened. I'm basically now in the "dog house". I'm pretty sure his family thinks I'm selfish... when I just wanted to be in a better position financially and have a job which could give me better career opportunities not just for myself but for a family ...

Your husband's mother and his family don't get a say in what you do with your body, or your choices about having children, and I'm not wild about the sound of your husband if he's blaming you. Of course you shouldn't have tried sooner -- you're a junior academic. Decent jobs are like gold dust, and the general treadmill of covering maternity leaves and sabbaticals at different institutions is way harder to do with a small child. I had a former doctoral student who was commuting internationally with a toddler for her first fixed-term contract.

You should absolutely take this job, and stop panicking about having a child, get more accurate test results etc -- and tell your husband's family to back the fuck off.

Congratulations on your job -- I know all too well how soul-destroying it can be to get to where you are. Best wishes with it all.

I'm sorry you're feeling such pressure from your dh and your mother in law. I actually think that's very unfair and your original plan to ttc after being a year established in your new job sounds very sensible, despite the potential issues.

Your husband's fertility issues sound surmountable. It would be wise for him to prioritise getting his sperm count analysed again and talking to his consultant about corrective surgery to his blocked duct if that is deemed necessary. He will then be taking action to improve your chances.

Perhaps a compromise would be to try (naturally) after 6 months ? You certainly shouldn't be made to feel you have no choice in this huge decision.
It's great news that you have no fertility issues yourself as this will greatly improve your success with conceiving, with or without medical intervention.

In your shoes I would wait for 1 year. You can use this time for further medical tests. I wouldn't risk the new job you wanted so much

[quote 20viona]@SW1amp OP has stated her OH has 0 sperm so IVF may be an option that's why I said you can do both 🤷🏼‍♀️[/quote]
Ah sorry, I misread it as both being start the news job and TTC because if you get pregnant straight away (or start the new job newly pregnant) you’ll still get mat pay

I don't see why you can't have both.

You're in an extremely fortunate position. You've been offered a dream job and been given some insight into your fertility.

I left the NHS (who offer a generous mat package) to work in the private sector (who offer nothing regardless of service), before I had even stepped foot into my new role I found out I was pregnant. I picked the job as there are no guarantees of a successful pregnancy and my career is important to me.

IVF takes a long time! Most Uni's require 12 months service for their Mat packages, you could be waiting that long for IVF.

Personally I would go for both!