Received dream job offer and now the news that we may not be able to conceive naturally

[anniz91]

Hi

I am starting my new job soon within a university (which is basically my dream job that I have been working towards for the past years), I have failed so many interviews and have now received an offer.

It couldn't have gone more perfect until me and my husband decided to go for a fertility test (just to see how we are both doing in that department). We were planning on a family next year. Of course the consultation wasn't what we both were expecting. I am fine but my partner (male) is not. My partner has a suspected blockage which prevents his cells from passing through. The semen analysis done showed no sperm cells.

To confirm, we went for a second opinion and they gave us two different stories.

Long story short, experts have told us to try 1) naturally now ( see what happens as per second opinion) 2) go for IVF if further tests show there is definitely no cells present in the next semen analysis .

My problem is I am in a situation where I know I have no choice but to try for a baby now. I am not sure where this puts me in terms of my new job employment. IF we cannot conceive naturally I would have to go through IVF which I know is not easy.

I have no idea where to go from here, do I even go for this job... 1) I probably won't receive a maternity package, 2) I may not come back to a job after maternity leave if they don't keep the position for me...3) the probation period is one year how would that affect me if I do fall pregnant during that time? 4) Would the employment keep my position for me if I get pregnant during the probation

I am really lost and would appreciate some advise if anyone was in this position ..

I'm pretty sure his family thinks I'm selfish

Wow that's awful. . You're improving your financial position before starting a family and establishing a career you can hopefully return to. Taking into account the possibility of IVF costs (although you should qualify for one round on the NHS) you're being logical and sensible.

No woman should be expected to sacrifice their career or their choices to bear their husband's offspring.

It's time your husband's family stopped being involved in your choices. It really isn't their place to apply pressure and guilt trip you in this way.
You can ask your husband to stop involving his mother if she's going to start throwing emotional blackmail around!

I don't think you're selfish for getting yourself in a stable position before having a family.

You're only 30 as well. You've got plenty of time to settle into your job.

If it helps, DH started trying at 29 and our son was born when we were 32. My husband only has 1 testicle. It did take us a while and even with just one testicle he was still making sperm, it was just taking its sweet time to find my eggs.

I think you and husband need to let the dust settle a bit. He's being a knob though at the moment and putting major pressure on you.

Take some time and try to talk about it rationally.

Your DH needs to stop listening to his mother, he's married to you, not her! I completely understand him feeling dreadful after the first meeting but his mother is not helping the situation.

Both of you need to approach this calmly. You have plenty of time, your age is on your side. Take the job and tell your DH to stop listening to his mother.

Based on your posts I don't think there's any point fretting now when you're still far off having a full picture.

Just wait and see what the next SA comes back with and explore if there are ways to clear the blockage if that's still a problem.

Also if you have his semen frozen from prior to his operation... why does that mean you have to try for a baby now? Surely just deal with it post probation if that makes you feel better, sounds like you've put an artificial deadline/rush on TTC.

Take the job.
But carry on ttc.
The cost of ivf is probably higher thwn the difference in mat to MA. Dc2 cost 10k.
Many trust dont pay for ivf now only icsi. And our one closed.
If you want more than one dc i also wouldnt delay.

Why is his mum involved in this decision? OP in the nicest possible way that’s nothing to do with his mum - you have a DH problem!

After the fertility appointment we had a massive argument ... because I got the blame for wanting to wait before marriage to start a family. Now that we are married I received this job opportunity and I have told him I will a fertility test to rest his mind until I am over the probation period (1year). But now I'm in a dilemma ... both his mom and himself thinks we should have tried sooner before all this happened. I'm basically now in the "dog house". I'm pretty sure his family thinks I'm selfish... when I just wanted to be in a better position financially and have a job which could give me better career opportunities not just for myself but for a family ...

This is truly disgusting to read and why I think we need MN and not some… other… sites. Whatever our problems, however many bun fights, we have plenty of the “feminism means supporting a woman’s right to choose her own life” type of feminists here. And it sounds like you need to hear from them. You have made ALL the right choices to put not just yourself, but also your future children (!) in the best and most protected position possible. I hope your husband is a great man, but marriage offers a lot more protection so he can’t just swan off and leave you holding the bag. Also, it sounds like you’ve gone through so much to get this dream job. I mean, if he was willing to completely sacrifice any career or hope of future income or pension to be a stay at home dad, then maaaaybe you could have a discussion about having a child sooner. Yet somehow, and this is just a guess, he’s never offered to do this? Especially since the reason you’re considering maybe giving up your DREAM JOB is if you have to stay home with baby. A baby that he and his family think you should have just magically had sooner. I don’t love how that sounds.

If he’s otherwise normally kind and loving, I’d hope this is just a knock-on from being upset about his fertility news (shocking how some men reeeeeeeally don’t deal well with the “news” that it’s their problem, but expect women to just get on with fixing things if the problem is on our side). Someone needs to find a kind way to tell him a blunt truth: it’s a hell of a lot easier to fix problems on the male side, as people have been doing the equivalent of artificial insemination for centuries, AND a blockage can often be fixed, AND unless he is providing 100% childcare and carrying the pregnancy, he doesn’t get to guilt you OR pressure you. And his family need to keep their beak out. This very much should have just been between you as a couple. Good lord.

Take the job. A baby could be in a year. A baby could be in three years. But the job is your dream and it’s available now, and it does not mean you can’t ever have a baby. So tell your husband, if he’s the one making you feel this way, or give your own head a wobble if you are, that it will not stop you having a family when the time is right.

With regards to your probationary period, this has no standing in law. A company can basically get rid of you for any reason in the first two years as you cannot bring a claim for unfair dismissal until you have been employed for more than two years.

However, you can bring a claim if you are dismissed for a protected characteristic - pregnancy being one.
Therefore, you could actually be in a slight stronger position by spending some of those first two years pregnant as the university would have to jump through more hoops to demonstrate they didn't dismiss you due to the pregnancy.

If you need your mat pay, work out the dates where mat pay would kick in both statutory and occupational and work back from there. Otherwise, perhaps wait 6 months to get settled in the job and then TTC again.
TTC can take some time, and you're still quite young (partner's issues aside).

Try and not listen to interfering families getting on at your to TTC and telling you you're being selfish. You have every right to have a baby when you want a baby, and not when others dictate.

Work through the fertility issues one day at a time, try not to catastrophize. Keep communication open with your husband; explain your feelings and listen to his feelings. He will be feeling upset at his medical outcome, and that is probably coming out in the wrong ways.

We were TTC for about 8 months when I got a new job this spring. As the main earner in the family (I get 50% more then OH), I cannot afford to not get occupational mat pay, so we are waiting one year before TTC again. I'm 38 now, first time TTC. Maybe silly given my age, but being financially stable is really important to us and although we want a baby, we are both comfortable if it doesn't happen for us as we are equally happy with just the two of us.

I completely agree with RightYesButNo

You should absolutely consider yourself here and as pointed out, your future children. I'll add that If for some awful reason you find yourself a single mother (death, separation, divorce are possibilities) then you'll have a career and some financial independence. That's not selfish, it's having your head screwed on.

Surely your dh can't expect you to throw away a great job opportunity to sit at home waiting to fall pregnant?

I got the blame for wanting to wait

If there are fertility issues then appointing blame is pointless and quite toxic. Perhaps your husband feels it's his "fault" and is trying to assuage that guilt by pointing at finger rather cruelly at you?

He's obviously taken the potential issues with his sperm very badly. However it's not on for him to try to blame you, essentially turning the tables by making it your fault for not ttc earlier? And his mum seems to have jumped on that bandwagon too; attempting to blame you.

It's no one's fault.

@SmileyClare

I got the blame for wanting to wait

If there are fertility issues then appointing blame is pointless and quite toxic. Perhaps your husband feels it's his "fault" and is trying to assuage that guilt by pointing at finger rather cruelly at you?

He's obviously taken the potential issues with his sperm very badly. However it's not on for him to try to blame you, essentially turning the tables by making it your fault for not ttc earlier? And his mum seems to have jumped on that bandwagon too; attempting to blame you.

It's no one's fault.

Yes- I think he is very hurt by the fact that we may not be able to conceive naturally. He mentioned his manhood is gone. I try staying positive but it's difficult. I know we always talked about children since high school so I understand its not what anyone would want to hear. I am trying not to take offense to anything he currently says... because I know half of it is not what he means.

@SmileyClare

I completely agree with RightYesButNo

You should absolutely consider yourself here and as pointed out, your future children. I'll add that If for some awful reason you find yourself a single mother (death, separation, divorce are possibilities) then you'll have a career and some financial independence. That's not selfish, it's having your head screwed on.

Surely your dh can't expect you to throw away a great job opportunity to sit at home waiting to fall pregnant?

I have always been taught to be independent and not to rely on anyone. But the job I am going for was the open door I was looking for to get my foot into. I know these jobs are not easy to get...I've tried and failed so many times... to not go for it probably won't allow me to provide as much as I would have liked for a family ..

But stating this to my husband he thinks I am trying to put career over family ...

But stating this to my husband he thinks I am trying to put career over family sad..

If he was told he had to give work in order to increase his sperm count and chances of having a family, would he do it?

@pinkpirlie

With regards to your probationary period, this has no standing in law. A company can basically get rid of you for any reason in the first two years as you cannot bring a claim for unfair dismissal until you have been employed for more than two years.

However, you can bring a claim if you are dismissed for a protected characteristic - pregnancy being one.
Therefore, you could actually be in a slight stronger position by spending some of those first two years pregnant as the university would have to jump through more hoops to demonstrate they didn't dismiss you due to the pregnancy.

If you need your mat pay, work out the dates where mat pay would kick in both statutory and occupational and work back from there. Otherwise, perhaps wait 6 months to get settled in the job and then TTC again.
TTC can take some time, and you're still quite young (partner's issues aside).

Try and not listen to interfering families getting on at your to TTC and telling you you're being selfish. You have every right to have a baby when you want a baby, and not when others dictate.

Work through the fertility issues one day at a time, try not to catastrophize. Keep communication open with your husband; explain your feelings and listen to his feelings. He will be feeling upset at his medical outcome, and that is probably coming out in the wrong ways.

We were TTC for about 8 months when I got a new job this spring. As the main earner in the family (I get 50% more then OH), I cannot afford to not get occupational mat pay, so we are waiting one year before TTC again. I'm 38 now, first time TTC. Maybe silly given my age, but being financially stable is really important to us and although we want a baby, we are both comfortable if it doesn't happen for us as we are equally happy with just the two of us.

My husband is advanced in his career and he earns quite well, he also is happy for me to stay home. However, I cannot consider that because mentally it wouldn't be for me. I know I would be miserable staying home 24/7 ( no offense to stay at home moms).

I am trying to stay neutral in my opinion, I have told him that I do not want to consider anything until we have a second sperm analysis, unfortunately he is getting very worked up about it all. I try to remain calm, but he word vomits a lot of hurtful things at times, mainly giving me the blame for delaying TTC.

@anniz91 the word vomit isn't really an adult way of communicating/discussing fears etc... blaming you for delaying TTC isn't right either. Nor is involving his mummy?? You're not painting a pretty picture of him atm.

These are traits you'd want to sort out/have counselling for before you have kids tbh as at the moment they're all little amber flags.

I would take the job and put ttc on hold for 6months, which in the grand scheme of things is not that long. Use that time to get all the tests you need done, get yourself as healthy and well as possible then go for it. You should then qualify for maternity leave as you will have been there at least 1.5 years. The fertility road can be long though and it may unfortunately take years. Knowing that you haven't sacrificed a dream job may help you on your journey.

Fwiw, I was in a similar position, knew I needed ivf, was offered a secondment (completely different department) and 7 months in started ivf. Boss was supportive with appointments etc. Thankfully worked first time. The secondment was coming to an end and as I didn't want to return to original job I applied for a permanent role in my dream job. Got it and was already 8 weeks pregnant, 12 when I started. The main difference I suppose is that this was public sector and I'd had continuous employment for 5 years so didn't need to worry about qualifying for maternity leave.

Good luck!

DH and I went through male infertility and it is very stressful.
But this doesn't give your DH the right to offload all of his stress and anger on you.

DH sounds very traditional, if he is then having fertility issues is going to be very challenging for him but that is his issue to process.

Rushing into procreation sex without even knowing if there is any point to it sounds ridiculously stressful. That is before the new job element is considered.

You have time on your side and can afford to do this in a considered way. Establishing DH's fertility status and getting settled in your job seems a really obvious first step from an outsiders viewpoint.

Your DH sounds panicked but remain firm and clear OP.

Take the job OP! These chances don't come along often as you well know. Is your husband something of a misogynist? It would be very cruel of him to insist on you turning down your dream job in this situation.

Given your ages, I think you can afford to wait 8 months.

I would take the job, await results from 2nd lot of testing & if results are still not so good, look to start IVF or whatever support is needed, once you are eligible for mat leave.

You are 29 and 30 years old. Honestly, you have so much time.

As PP have said - this is literally zero to do with your husband's mum.

It's up to you, and if you are not ready then don't let people force you!

You have a good 5 years before you even have to start thinking about being on the way to getting on the older side for conceiving a child. A good 10 years probably before you'll actually have to worry.

Take the job, work for 6 months, then TTC.

What difference will 6 months make?

It also sounds like there is a lot of tension between you and your husband at the moment. Have you been offered counselling by your fertility clinic? I highly recommend taking them up on that if so, given your situation. You both need a safe space to talk this through.

I try to remain calm, but he word vomits a lot of hurtful things at times, mainly giving me the blame for delaying TTC

He should not be taking all of this out on you. Wanting marriage and employment security is completely acceptable (and would be recommended to you by anyone on here).

He needs to appreciate how lucky he is - frozen sperm and age on his and your side.

@want2bemum

It also sounds like there is a lot of tension between you and your husband at the moment. Have you been offered counselling by your fertility clinic? I highly recommend taking them up on that if so, given your situation. You both need a safe space to talk this through.

At the minute yes there is tension mainly because we both have differing viewpoints about this...I am going to look into counselling.

It’s quite unlikely that you’ll be going on maternity leave less than a year after starting your new job (assuming you’re starting soon?). Pregnancy is 9 months long and you’re not obliged to tell your employer until 15 weeks before the baby is due (so 5 mo or so in).
It sounds quite unlikely you will get pregnant first month trying naturally but even if you did you’d still be entitled to statutory maternity leave and you job held (if you’re not pregnant before you start the job).
So basically - take the job and start ttc on the evening after your first day there

I was in a similar position to you. I had a job I LOVED in a team I loved. They gave me a temporary contract and in that year, we found out about my DH's Male factor infertility (we'd been trying for 2 years after a MMC with no success). My job then gave me another temp contract, two years. I knew if we waited, there was a chance my husband's sperm could decreased more.

I chose IVF and a family over the job. I was fortunate enough to get pregnant on our first go. I told my job I'd love to rreturn after and continue. They were really happy with me and told me to stay in touch. They also knew the truth about our fertility issues in the end. They didn't take me back and gave the Person covering me my promised permanent contract. To say I was gutted is an understatement. And I can't do anhtbing without landing a very good friend in the shit (as she knows they didn't hire me back because of my son)

And yet, I wouldn't change it. Now that my son is here, he is worth ten times that job and I'm ridiculously happy with the decision I made! You need to work out what's more important to you, there's no wrong anseer but there very well may be a choice