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Original poster

Boyfriend has asked to try for a baby

100 replies

Jod3009 · 15/08/2021 22:36

So me and my boyfriend have been together for 2 years. We don't live together but he's asked if we can try for a baby! I'm not currently on any contraception due to it not agreeing with me and I'm not against us having a baby - I'm overthinking it all if I'm honest! Like the having to move away from my family and having a newborn scares me! All I'll want is my mum to help etc. What's everyone's thoughts or has anyone even been in this position

OP posts:
IndecentCakes · 15/08/2021 22:38

I'm going to sound very old-fashioned, but I strongly suggest the approach of no marriage, no children.

CrazyNeighbour · 15/08/2021 22:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thesearmsofmine · 15/08/2021 22:40

Don’t have a baby with someone you have never even lived with.

Hadalifeonce · 15/08/2021 22:40

I think you should put your baby plans on hold until you feel confident. In being able to cope without your mum permanently on hand.
Has your BF suggested what your living arrangements might be? How finances will be sorted?
Out of interest, how old are you both?

Fordian · 15/08/2021 22:40

Get married.

Original poster
Jod3009 · 15/08/2021 22:41

@CrazyNeighbour

What do you want?

Why would you be moving?

Having a child is a lifetime decision, and who you pick as the father of your kids is the single most important thing you ever decide.
Is he a good person?

He has his own place and I currently live with my parents so would make sense for me to move in with him - well that's what I think anyways

Yeah he's a good person and I do want him as my baby daddy

I just read into things soooo much....

OP posts:
Starryskiesinthesky · 15/08/2021 22:42

You definitely want to know that you can live together before having a baby!

Original poster
Jod3009 · 15/08/2021 22:43

@Hadalifeonce

I think you should put your baby plans on hold until you feel confident. In being able to cope without your mum permanently on hand. Has your BF suggested what your living arrangements might be? How finances will be sorted? Out of interest, how old are you both?
Id feel confident without my mum but id want her to be included as much as she is with my nieces and nephew

I'm 32 and he's 35 - has a kid from a previous relationship so he knows what he'd be getting into

OP posts:
Goodthings · 15/08/2021 22:44

Why aren’t you moving in together first?

Original poster
Jod3009 · 15/08/2021 22:45

@Goodthings

Why aren’t you moving in together first?
We've spoke about it but it's his flat and I'd want to change sooooooooo many things but I'm afraid I'd offend him Hmm
OP posts:
Purpoole · 15/08/2021 22:46

I think you need some commitment in terms of a stable home and marriage beforehand. You become very vulnerable when you start having children… reliant on a partner for support, financial, emotional and possibly even physical at times.
I don’t see why anyone would jump straight to trying for a child without even living with someone… it’s not really a positive testing place for longevity.
There are plenty MN posts which will tell you how quickly relationships can go sour and you’ll be left holding the baby with nothing to fall back on!

Ritasueandbobtoo9 · 15/08/2021 22:47

No, the home will be his, you’ll have nothing if you split up. Marriage yes. Baby no.

SallyDontTouchThatPie · 15/08/2021 22:47

Firstly you need to live together to find out how you will split domestic chores and finances. Have you ever lived away from home?

How far away will the move be from where you are now? Will you be able to commute to your current job or will it mean finding a new job?

What is the house situation with him? Does he own it or rent it? If your relationships goes pear will you be able to support yourself and a baby?

Do not give up your financial independence if you are unmarried and the house/flat you are in with him is all in his name.

sabrinathemiddleagewitch · 15/08/2021 22:48

Get married and live together first

Purpoole · 15/08/2021 22:48

With all due respect, If you’re scared to offend him with THAT question then you know this is not a very good idea.

paddlingon · 15/08/2021 22:48

Work out your finances first.
This is likely to mean that you should get married.
As an unmarried mum living in your boyfriends accommodation he could throw you out at any time and you wouldn't be entitled anything from him except child support.

You definitely aren't over thinking this.

You want to be financially stable and in a secure relationship before having dc.
Sort out accommodation, sort out jobs, make some longer plans with your bf, where is the money for caring for baby coming from ? do you share finances now, how would that work in the future?

What rights to his house is he prepared to share with you before you start trying for this baby.

SallyDontTouchThatPie · 15/08/2021 22:48

If you are afraid you'll offend him this isn't a great start to communicating what you want/need. If your relationship fails you will have no rights to the flat and he can kick you out with no notice.

Howshouldibehave · 15/08/2021 22:49

Are you financially independent? I’m presuming not if you still live with your mum.

I wouldn’t be having a baby with anyone if I wasn’t already able to support myself and if we weren’t married. Not because I’m old fashioned like that but because I have seen too many women left totally high and dry when they end up unmarried living in the man’s house, with a baby and no rights. Especially when things go wrong in the relationship. I’m sure you think they won’t, but what will you do if they do?

Aquamarine1029 · 15/08/2021 22:50

I'm sorry to be harsh, but you sound extremely immature for a 32 year old woman. I think it would be an absolutely horrible idea to have a baby with a man you haven't even lived with yet. It's just irresponsible. Please think of a child's best interests before you do something foolish.

MyOtherProfile · 15/08/2021 22:50

Absolutely not. Not until you can sort out your relationship.

paddlingon · 15/08/2021 22:50

Reading your updates OP, no you shouldn't have a baby, your relationship is nowhere close to where it needs to be to survive having a dc together.

Live together, start communicating properly, get married then start ttc.

MsMarple · 15/08/2021 22:51

That’s bizarre: you won’t move in now as you don’t like things about his flat, but you would move in after having a baby? Will the things you don’t like suddenly become acceptable?

21Bee · 15/08/2021 22:51

I’d say that if you are scared of telling him you’d change something in his house, you are 100% not ready to have a baby with him.

Goodthings · 15/08/2021 22:51

So you don’t want to move because you would want to change his flat. How does that work with a baby?

Tinselandlights · 15/08/2021 22:52

Your choice OP, but I'd want to be married before I have a baby with someone who is already a dad, and presumably not living with their existing child.

Your future will get very complicated if anything was to happen with your relationship.

As @crazyneighbour says, choosing the father of your children is the single most important decision you make in your life, you will live with your consequences for the rest of your life, be they good or bad.

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