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Conception

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Original poster

Boyfriend has asked to try for a baby

100 replies

Jod3009 · 15/08/2021 22:36

So me and my boyfriend have been together for 2 years. We don't live together but he's asked if we can try for a baby! I'm not currently on any contraception due to it not agreeing with me and I'm not against us having a baby - I'm overthinking it all if I'm honest! Like the having to move away from my family and having a newborn scares me! All I'll want is my mum to help etc. What's everyone's thoughts or has anyone even been in this position

OP posts:

Limitedhelp · 15/08/2021 22:52

I think you should ask him if you can move in first.
Living together highlights things that potentially may mean things won't work out long term. You need to know before getting pregnant.

Also, I agree. You become very financially vulnerable having a baby and being unmarried.

What's his rush? Go through the motions first and see how you feel

Hekatestorch · 15/08/2021 22:53

How old are you?

You shouldn't be having a baby with someone who you are afraid of offending over decor.

What are your job positions? What's the plan for childcare? Will one of you ne giving up work? Have you looked at costs of childcare vs wage, including any help you would get.

If you move into somewhere, in his name (is it mortgaged or rented?) You have a baby, then you reduce your hours or quit work, what will you do if you split? Because you would have no right to the home or and of the value in it (assuming owned or mortgaged). He would just be liable for csa, which is usually pitiful unless earns a fairly big wage.

And honestly, having having a baby before living with someone for at least a year, is a big risk.

Why has he jumped straight to baby without living together?

Hekatestorch · 15/08/2021 22:55

Sorry just seen your ages.

You come across really quite young. Being a step parent is not a walk in the park. Especially, when your own kids are thrown into the mix. Lots of people think it will be fine and then find out its not.

You don't even know how his child will react to him having an live in girlfriend or how living with him sewing hon parenting on a regular basis wi make you feel.

AhNowTed · 15/08/2021 22:56

This is madness.

It actually creeps me out a guy pressuring for a baby.

You don't live together so frankly you don't know him well enough.

And two years is nowhere long enough.

How old are you?

nimbuscloud · 15/08/2021 23:00

Please don’t bring a baby into this relationship

CoffeeBeansGalore · 15/08/2021 23:03

Hate to sound old fashioned, but 2 years isn't that long, especially not even living together or with plans to marry.
I was with my dh 8 years, married 5 before we had a baby. I wanted a partnership that lasted through having a baby, and have someone I wanted to spend time with, not just be mum & dad.
He has given you no commitment yet.
It is you that will go through all the physical stuff, your body that will have to deal with it. Not him.
You will take the hit with your job/career/pension. Not him.
It will most likely be you having to leave work early or miss a day when child is ill, or school ring because child has had a knock on the head at school. Not him.
After you've had the baby he can say it's not what he thought it would be & walk away leaving you literally holding the baby.
Because he has made no commitment to you. He simply "wants to have a baby".
He likes the idea of saying he's a dad? Will that be him telling his mates while he's on a night out? And you will be home alone with the baby?
Will he come home with a tattoo of the baby's name, because he likes the idea of being a dad? While you are at home alone with the baby and asking why he's just spent £££s on something selfish to show off?
I don't know him. He may be fantastic. But read the threads all over mumsnet about these guys who said they would be a good dad. They are not.
My answer would be a firm no until relationship has some commitment, finances are sorted, living arrangements are sorted, and legalities are sorted.

MackenCheese · 15/08/2021 23:05

Another vote for getting married before having children....

IndecentCakes · 15/08/2021 23:06

Ah, yes, the tattoo. My child-support dodging, non-turning up ex had one of those.

Viviennemary · 15/08/2021 23:08

Its a mad idea if you dont even live together.

DeliaOwens · 15/08/2021 23:12

You need to know if this 2year relationship has staying power before you even consider children. Why is it his suggestion? Did this not cross your mind and if not, why not?

Also, You don't live together. How do you know enough to know you would be good parents together?

Finally, His house makes you very VERY vulnerable to being homeless.

Hekatestorch · 15/08/2021 23:12

Op I just AS your username.

Did your recent pregnancy test end up coming back positive?

It sounds like you have already made up your mind and are trying.

Do you use an contraception at all?

CatherineTheNotSoGreat · 15/08/2021 23:13

Absolutely no.
You won’t offend him over decor and yet a baby is on the cards? You must be joking. Why does he want a baby? This sounds crazy. You don’t live together. You don’t like his flat but somehow or other having a baby will magically fix it all??

You mention he has a child so he knows what he’s getting into. How much care does he do? How does he support the child’s mum?

I second all the advice re sorting out finances etc. Live with him for a while. I heard someone once say that having a baby is like throwing a hand grenade into a real action ship. It can really test it.

Original poster

jod3009 · 15/08/2021 23:17

Thank you ladies! Clearly my doubts and over thinking have been the right thing!

Will take all of your advice and comments on board!!

Most of these I've already thought about aswell

Thanks once again and have a lovely evening x

OP posts:

messybun101 · 15/08/2021 23:27

@Purpoole

With all due respect, If you’re scared to offend him with THAT question then you know this is not a very good idea.

Exactly my thoughts I don't think your relationship is anywhere near ready for a baby if you can't discuss decor without worrying you'll 'offend him'

Embracelife · 15/08/2021 23:36

....has a kid from a previous relationship so he knows what he'd be getting into....

He knows how to have babies and break up with the mother....
Does he have the the child 50% of time?
Pay maintenance?
How does he see it?

Ginger1982 · 15/08/2021 23:36

This is a terrible idea, as is referring to him as your 'baby daddy' 🙄

toocold54 · 15/08/2021 23:40

Try a different type of contraception and get him to use a condom and move in with him for a year and then start trying.

It’s very different being with someone and living/starting a family with someone.

ExplodingCarrots · 15/08/2021 23:48

So what precautions have you been taking if you're not on anything ? I take that to mean nothing and you've been having unprotected sex anyway.
I'm the same age as you , married , dc etc And I would say 100% you need to be in a more stable position before bringing a child into this. You need to get your own place , live together alone for a while to get to know each other fully and then go from there .

DismantledKing · 16/08/2021 00:00

@Aquamarine1029

I'm sorry to be harsh, but you sound extremely immature for a 32 year old woman. I think it would be an absolutely horrible idea to have a baby with a man you haven't even lived with yet. It's just irresponsible. Please think of a child's best interests before you do something foolish.

This. I thought you were about 18. ‘Baby daddy’?

HalzTangz · 16/08/2021 00:17

@Jod3009

Why do you have to move away, why can't he move to you so you can stay near your support network should you preceed with pregnancy

lolabeex · 16/08/2021 00:18

You don't need to get married, that's a load of shit. You should definitely live together first though and get used to that

ShippingNews · 16/08/2021 00:23

The fact that you call him a "baby daddy"makes me wonder if you know what parenthood is actually about.

HermioneKipper · 16/08/2021 00:26

You sound very young. Having a baby is a huge, life changing decision that shouldn’t be made on a whim. If you’re going to choose to bring a baby into the world you should do it in a stable, loving relationship if possible. Not one where you want your mum, have no commitment from your partner and are too scared to tell him you don’t like the decor in his house.

If you can’t even tell him this, will you be able to agree on how to raise the child, money issues, your career? Absolute foolishness to bring a child into this situation.

ShippingNews · 16/08/2021 00:31

he has a kid from a previous relationship so he knows what he'd be getting into

This casual comment tells me that he has fathered a child and then moved on, leaving the mother to do the parenting. You need to look at this situation, and to reflect on the fact that his previous partner was once just like you, and now she is a single mother whose ex is wanting to father another child with someone else.

How often does he see his child ? How much child support does he pay ? Do you know the child ? You seem to be thinking of your own situation but not thinking about the former partner and child.

alwayscrashinginthesamecar1 · 16/08/2021 00:37

If anything, you appear to be massively under-thinking this.

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