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Conception

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Original poster

Boyfriend has asked to try for a baby

100 replies

Jod3009 · 15/08/2021 22:36

So me and my boyfriend have been together for 2 years. We don't live together but he's asked if we can try for a baby! I'm not currently on any contraception due to it not agreeing with me and I'm not against us having a baby - I'm overthinking it all if I'm honest! Like the having to move away from my family and having a newborn scares me! All I'll want is my mum to help etc. What's everyone's thoughts or has anyone even been in this position

OP posts:

2bazookas · 16/08/2021 08:31

Dont move in/have children with someone you're afraid of offending. Healthy adult partnership means neither partner being afraid to disagree, argue, compromise.

Does he support his child and its mother financially ? Does he maintain a relationship with that child? He's already shown you his
attitude to parenting., but all you can think of is the decor in his flat.

2bazookas · 16/08/2021 08:34

Do you even support yourself financially? I mean by working, not benefits.

notacooldad · 16/08/2021 08:34

With all due respect, If you’re scared to offend him with THAT question then you know this is not a very good idea
Absolutely this.
All you have is his idea to have a baby.
No commitment no talk about how chores, finance and raising a baby would work.
The whole thing sounds bizarre.

Fluffymule · 16/08/2021 08:37

It would be prudent to consider the relationship he has with the mother of his existing child. Is he supportive? Does he treat her with respect? What custody and visitation is in place and does he honour it? Is he paying an appropriate level of child support, and importantly does he do it willingly and happily.

The answers to these questions will give you some insight into his views and commitment to parenthood.

Then ask him how he intends to do this twice. How his existing child and any future child with you will be treated the same, how he will continue to support and provide for them both, how he will ensure neither are disadvantaged in the future.

And I agree with all the others here who have said not living with him for some time first would be a huge mistake. Marriage would, of course, give you extra protection, but I understand its not for everyone.

Reflections2021 · 16/08/2021 08:51

If your not using contraception, and having sex, your are trying for a baby.

Personally, would want proper indications of ‘being in it for the long-term’ more than a baby (enough threads to show it takes more than baby to make a long-term relationship work). If you are talking about a baby, but can’t move beyond wanting to change things or problem solve the issues in his flat - does not feel like ‘this is the one’ in terms of relationship or that you’ve both mastered the art of compromise, which will definitely be required if your talking babies.

Personally, would look into a contraception that works for you and take time to think about. Having a baby now is likely to be a full time commitment for you, and a part-time one for him - unless you see a high probability of you both living together as one family unit for decades to come. If you come to the same conclusion after living together I would say it’s a more informed decision. Likewise, if that’s not the case, better that you get informed of that as soon as possible! so that you can move on and work towards your life goal of your own family unit, living independently if that is an aspiration of yours.

AddressLabel · 16/08/2021 09:11

You need to live with him first. Trust me on this. I was with my partner for 12 years living separately. Got pregnant by accident, moved in together and lets just say if I’d lived with him first I’d have binned him off long before a baby came on the scene. Different attitudes to things like clutter and general household chores are a major deal breaker. A person that likes clean and tidy does not live in harmony with a lazy slob.

Crimeismymiddlename · 16/08/2021 09:51

You sound a little immature. You are considering a baby with your boyfriend because he has asked to try, you are not married or even living together. You say you ‘would not mind’ him being the child’s father because she is a good man but have not mentioned love or growing a family together, you seem more concerned that you don’t like his flat. Please go back on contraception. Maybe work on moving out of home and being independent first.

Eviethyme · 16/08/2021 10:01

No way would I have a baby before having lived with my partner for at least a year. People can show true colours once you've lived together.

Eviethyme · 16/08/2021 10:03

I would also be trying to get a lot more before having a kid. Marriage. A house something better than living with parents with a BF in a flat....

Even if you don't get married... Get a house and live together first. Also can you deal with a child's needs? Financially and physically.

Do you both have decent jobs? Or atleast him.

It's not an easy decision but you need to get the best start possible for your baby. I personally couldn't plan to have a baby whilst living in a flat Or living with my parents

LlamaTime · 16/08/2021 10:06

Do not have a baby with someone who would be offended by you wanting some input into how the house you live in looks.

Either he really would be offended and he is a control freak who you do not want a child with, or he would not be offended but you are in a relationship with someone whom you do not feel comfortable being honest with. The last thing might be because you've not been together long and will get better with time, but either way, not time for a child. You need to live together first.

Branleuse · 16/08/2021 10:08

Him wanting to impregnate you but not actually live together, and hes actually asked you? This sounds mad

toocold54 · 16/08/2021 10:11

What would be the plan if you got pregnant now?
Would you stay living as you are as basically raise the baby as a single parent?
Or would you move in with him?

Babies are very stressful and cause couples to argue and break up.
You either need to be prepared to be a single parent and not be with him, or be sure that you are both fully committed to being together even when things get extremely difficult and the way to do that is to move in together first.

Howshouldibehave · 16/08/2021 10:19

do want him as my baby daddy

You sound about 16!

Are you working? What will you do for financial independence if you have a baby with this man?

MyMabel · 16/08/2021 10:29

Yeah no.

If you don’t live together; don’t have a child together.

When me and DP brought a house together we really learnt some new things about each other and how we have quite different routines. It did cause some debates and disagreements but we ironed them out and now we work together to compromise on anything we have different opinions on.

Then we threw a baby in the mix; which was hard. We have different styles of parenting and needed to find ways to compromise again.

I think you would find it really difficult to have a baby with someone you don’t live with; let alone with someone you’re scared to offend by asking to change some interior of his flat.

You’re worried about offending him, so you’re clearly not completely comfortable around each other.. and you could be potentially shitting on a bed in front of him in 9 months time pushing a baby out?

Your main goal at the moment is to move out together, try to make it last 12 months under the same roof then discuss children.

MyMabel · 16/08/2021 10:29

Also- baby daddy? Jesus, you’re not ready for children if that’s the description you use.

Thefaceofboe · 16/08/2021 10:44

I’m also cringing at baby daddy. Having a baby is a HUGE decision, so pleased read into this a bit more...!

Mandofan · 16/08/2021 10:56

OP replied earlier under a name change it seems

Myla2 · 16/08/2021 11:19

I'm another one for getting married first. There is no stability or security in having a baby with someone out of wedlock. (Unless you dont believe in marriage) but especially given he holds most of the assets here. You want to make sure if you split up for whatever reason you are on equal grounds with each other and you dont just end up back at mum and dads with nothing for you or your baby. Be wise about this op.

Skyla2005 · 16/08/2021 11:25

I'd be very wary of any man who says he wants a baby tbh !

bubblebath62636 · 16/08/2021 11:27

Fuck that op.

A baby tests even the strongest of relationships.

He has offered you nothing, no marriage/home/commitment, yet wants you to give him a baby?!

Goldbar · 16/08/2021 11:35

How bizarre, I though you were much, much younger from your posts.

Babies are not dolls. They involve a huge amount of trouble and expense, most of which usually falls on the mother if the parents split up.

The only good reason to have a baby is because you really, really want one - and this is assuming you can afford one and are prepared to make the sacrifices that being a parent involves. Not because your partner (who you don't live with) wants one.

WildfirePonie · 16/08/2021 11:43

We've spoke about it but it's his flat and I'd want to change sooooooooo many things but I'm afraid I'd offend him

Nope. Don't do it. You'll end up stuck in his flat and not "allowed" to change anything. His life will remain unchanged. Yours will go down the toilet.

anniegun · 16/08/2021 11:45

Do not have a baby with a man who already has a child

Paint69 · 16/08/2021 11:46

Move in together first. Living with each other can make or break a relationship imo.

PeeProblem · 16/08/2021 11:49

We've spoke about it but it's his flat and I'd want to change sooooooooo many things but I'm afraid I'd offend him hmm so how will it be different when you've got a baby? Does he def want you to move in? Why does he want a baby without any commitment to you?

If your clock is ticking i can see the appeal but i think you need to see if you can love together first. Moving in heavily pregnant, you'll feel trapped of it turns out he's a dick.

What will happen about work? Will you be a SAHP? In a house you have no rights to and oy moved into because you gave him a baby?

What sort lf Dad is he to his other child? Are you happy being a step Mom?

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