TTC 35+ Thread 12

[Misty84]

Hope this works girls, haven’t done this before, we’ve run out of space on the other thread.
@thislittlebird @ElsieG3m @Marvellouslymadmum @KatRee @Anxiouswannabe

@Misty84 I am very excited to read you got all 4!!!! Amazing news. Also, welcome to ICSI land 🎉 . It’s great here, we have additional costs that other people don’t need, yet again 🤪

Really interesting that they found something up with your DH’s sample. Unfortunately, when DH did the in-depth SA, the result for anti-sperm antibodies came back void or negative or something. I think it means they didn’t have enough to test for that??? Not sure. I’ll ask the next doctor I see.

It’s better not being wholly responsible, isn’t it? I know that sounds dumb but it really is a bit of a weight off to know it’s not only you with an issue.

I’m so glad you had a good experience with sedation, makes me feel a bit better, and one of the nice benefits of the Lister seems to be the private room and food you get after. I’m glad it was as good as it could be. Do you know which doctor did your collection?

Enjoy your wine, have a rest, you deserve it. Fingers crossed so hard for those 4 eggos!

Thank you @Geriatric1234!

@thislittlebird Hmmm now I’m examining DP’s SA and next to what I assume is the antibody result (Sperm IgA) is a blank space. This is sooo typical that we have another major problem! An expensive one like you say! It’s been a lot to get our heads around, feels like all this time trying naturally and it was never going to work! Oh well, we are where we are now, and like you said having the burden shared doesn’t make me feel like the complete failure in this.
Fully reliant on the powers of modern science now!!

Gosh the doctor did tell me his name but I met so many people today that I can’t remember it for the life of me! It was really nice, everyone treated us sooo well. And I thoroughly enjoyed ordering many things from the menu afterwards! Xx

@Misty84 So happy they got all of them! Enjoy your wine!

I just did my 3rd injection of stims. The process itself isn't going too badly so far but I'm struggling a bit at the moment- can't really handle work and regular life stuff in top of ivf worries

@KatRee I thought TTC was intense enough until I started IVF. I had to travel to the clinic 5 times in one week. There’s just no brain space for anything else!!
Glad you’re finding the injections ok at least, when is your next scan? X

@Misty84 ooh amazing! 4 little eggies is a good amount, let's hope those crazy sperms get their act together instead of holding sperm fight club 👊🏻

@Misty84 It really is intense- and I'm incredibly lucky because my clinic is close, and I'm still wfh, I really can't complain, but just the emotional weight of it all is so heavy. I'm not much fun to be around right now. Probably haven't been for months tbh

Next scan is Wednesday, this will be first since I started the stims so will be good to get some kind of idea on what effect they are having

I'm sorry you had to shell out more money, but I get the mixed feelings about the reason. We were also told our problems were due to my issues and I felt so crap about it, but the only test my oh has ever had is the standard SA and the more I read on here about other people's experiences, the more I wonder how much that really tells us. Especially as I had the impression that I was having fertility issues due to blocked right tube and low reserve in the left ovary- at my baseline scan on Friday there were actually more follicles on the left, unblocked side, than the right, so now I think there must be other issues lurking they just haven't found yet

Hoping you've got some good eggs there and the ICSI does its thing. And we'll done for making it this far, you have really earned your 🍷 xx

@Misty84

I am so glad everything went on great for you!!!
It's interesting to find out about the sperm thingy! Is that a special test they do before they mix the sperm together ? I don't think the Ivf clinic mentioned that....

Rest well ! Hope all is good

Thanks @Marvellouslymadmum. I know, a little sperm fight club is what I’m imagining too! I can’t believe that I’ve been producing an egg every month and DP’s sperm just haven’t been interested! Makes me think natural conception is never going to happen for us. No unplanned wonderful surprise in a few years time!
With DOR I’m predicted to respond badly to IVF, yet for antibody sperm that is the method they best respond to! I told my DP yesterday that “we’re a right pair”. 🙄 We’re reliant on this working more than ever now!
How are you getting on?

@KatRee Yeah I totally get the intensity. And we really just don’t fully know what’s going on. I sometimes think back to what I used to be like and it seems so, so far away. Being carefree, going out and drinking, thinking of OTHER THINGS- none of that is possible with infertility weighing down. Once you get past each step of IVF there is hardly any down time before you’re worrying about the next part!

@AnxiousWannabe I’m not sure if the clinic had already mixed the sperm with the egg, they said was that it was all clumped together and asked if DP had trauma to his testicles in the past (no). They explained about the antibodies and that they would need to convert. So I assume every clinic looks at the sample on the day and if the sperm are all swimming freely and happily they will stick to regular IVF as planned.

@Misty84 You are so right, and I know after yesterday's victory you will now already be into the next nerve wracking step- hope you're getting some good news xx

@Misty84 it's all just a roll of the dice isn't it and soooo frustrating! I'm doing ok just not really tracking this month as I have my appointment on Monday and I've just got such a busy month anyway.

Out of my 4:
1 egg didn’t survive the injection, 2 failed to fertilise, 1 fertilised but was abnormal. We spent £8000 on that spectacular fail. Spent ALL DAY in bed crying yesterday, undoubtedly the worst day in this 2+ year shitty process.
We can afford one more cycle but that’s it, so it’s hit me really hard that there’s a very high chance I’m not going to be a mum. We have newly discovered male factor which means always need to use ICSI, yet my body can’t produce enough eggs (or of good enough quality) to give us a good chance with that. So hope is at rock bottom. 😢 Can’t take this anymore, miss my old self who had an actual life that wasn’t constantly overshadowed by infertility.

@misty84 I am so sorry to hear that.

All things fertility suck when you try for so long over something you have little control of. I remember seeing a post once - the pregnancy stick does not define your life.

Take a break before you consider your next option. Let your body heal first. Meanwhile, what I do is to see how childfree folks view the world. Having a kid is a box we thought we need to check but it doesn't have to be. A lot of ppl didn't want to check the box and they are happy.

I'm really sorry you feel horrible. But this too shall past.

Misty I'm so sorry what shitty news and a shitty day. Lots of love to you xx

@Misty84

You didn't spend £8k on a spectacular fail. I chose to do ivf knowing it may or may not work out because I want to tell myself someday when I look back - I tried all my best. And thats all I could do for something I have little control of now.

@Misty84 also after a break and some time to reflect, see what they can do about intensive supplements for his sperm. My friend did this and their next cycle was a lot better.
I'm just so sorry, all of the discomfort and money, and this result. Just because it's happened here though doesn't mean it'll happen the next cycle. Have to stay positive, as hard as it seems right now

@Misty84 Sending you the biggest hugs. Take care of yourself for now. There may be things they can try to do a bit differently having learned what they have from this cycle and you are doing everything you can. You should be so proud of yourself- any child would be very lucky to have you as their mum, so I'm really hoping you get there xx

@Misty84 I'm so sorry lovely, it's such a horrible journey. It's hard now but you will pick yourself up and try again when you're ready. Just because this time it didn't work it doesn't mean it won't next time

I'm so sorry @Misty84. I had my fingers and ties crossed for you. Sending you a bug hug xx

@Misty84 I'm so, sorry about the outcome, it's devastating and it's not fair. Take some time to deal with this, then have a think about what you want to do. It may not feel like it but you still have other options (types of IVF, cheaper cycles abroad, donors and so on), and you have time, even if it doesn't feel like it.

Like @A1b2c3d4e5f6g7 said, it's so variable that another cycle could be completely different but equally you may not want to do another. It's incredibly hard and unfair and I would feel just like you do today.

If you want to vent feel free to on here or on DM. Also remember the free counselling is available, it might be helpful.

@Misty84 just checking in and saw your message. I'm so sorry to hear your news. Sending so much love your way. There really aren't words - it's just so, so rubbish. I hope you can try at least to be kind to yourself and allow yourself a bit of time as others have said. I'm sure platitudes don't help right now but if it is of some small comfort, I know so many people who take more than one attempt. I think that's the norm (first cycle success if very rare). My consultant told me that ivf is in its own way diagnostic so perhaps your consultants have learned things and can recommend some changes next time. Keeping everything crossed for you xx

@Misty84 Oh I am so, so sorry. Not the result you wanted but also not what I was expecting for you. It's all so bloody unfair and unpredictable.

I agree that just because this one didn't work doesn't mean the next one won't, or the next "option" (donor eggs/sperm etc).

I also agree with @AnxiousWannabe about looking to those who are happily childfree. I know I've said before that until I was 41 I was happily childfree by choice, and I can recommend lots of Instagram accounts that are a mix of people who are childfree by choice - @childfree_guru, or those who are childfree due to infertility - @chasing.creation @Tiffany.jmarie @thefruitlessfigtree and my favourite @tanyahubbardcounselling. They are amazing at articulating their stories of grief and acceptance, and are so positive. They are so kind to women going through infertility.

Doesn't mean I think you won't get there, just maybe it might help you feel less stressed with TTC if you start exploring the positives to not having children, or at least the idea that childfree life isn't pointless. xxx

I twisted my ankle this afternoon so there goes my ttc weight loss plan. Sigh.

Oh no @thislittlebird! Are you okay??

@Geriatric1234 I think I am, yeah. Just frustrated because it looks badly bruised and swollen and I’m not sure what to do. Might get a cab to urgent care tomorrow just to double check it’s not broken.

@thislittlebird yes, I would. My MIL was limping around for two weeks on a swollen ankle before finally getting it checked only to discover it was broken.

So annoying. I feel like every time I’m in a good fitness regime something breaks 😖