Me any my boyfriend want to have a baby, but the problem is that we both don't really like sex.

[SlowlyBecomingACatCollector]

I'm actually a little embarrassed to write this. I `know this probably sounds weird and some will probably laugh, but it's the truth, we never really have liked sex. We are still very much in love, very close, never argue, we still very much fancy each other, and have no body issues or anything like that, but we just prefer each others company, like watching movies, playing games, working out, walks, days out shopping (before covid), more than any sexual aspect of it. I am not saying we don't ever, but it is very rare, and we basically don't want pressure of forced sex on a schedule to ruin what we have. Anyway, he said he would basically (EXCUSE MY GRAPHICNESS) ejaculate in a cup for me or something if neither of us want it on my peak days. I'm 34 now, and he's 42, and we really want a family together now before it's too late. Do you think there's a good chance of this working at my age like this, and fast? I am worried it will be less effective. Are there any over 30's women who could tell me how long it took them to conceive with a regular or daily, ahem, *cup filling? We'll start in a few days, but just I need a little hope. Thank you.

I didn't expect such rude and judgmental responses questioning whether we love each other and even going as far as to say I have been "sexually rejected". We have been together for over 5 years now, and it has been the happiest, best, and most fulfilling relationship both of us has ever had. I don't know why I am even trying to explain it. I was just looking for a little advice and a little hope. I kind of regret coming here and asking now.

@emsyj37 I can understand where you are coming from as we all have things that resonate with us and we want to protect ourselves and others from. I do think it sounds as though OP is in a very different position though.

You've had some helpful advice too OP.

Please don't take it personally OP. Some people are just hurt by their own experiences which are different to yours.

As your situation isn't as common it unfortunately may end up causing people to look for other reasons behind it. By the way I don't think people with low sex drives are actually that uncommon, it is just that people are too embarrassed to talk about it or feel they have to have sex when they don't want to.

@SlowlyBecomingACatCollector I don't know why people feel the need to be so concerned about your relationship. Unfortunately there are a lot of judgemental people on here. Although you have had some helpful information so I'd def take their advise on board.

There is also a specific group on here for donors/insemination where you may get more help though. I know your not using donor sperm, but the technique people use for that seems to what you're looking for.

Good luck and I hope every goes well 🙂

There's absolutely nothing wrong with not being bothered about sex and you are both so lucky to have found each other and feel the same way because it's only a problem when the people involved have different drives.

You have a relationship that works for you and you're both happy. there are a lot of people shagging like rabbits who can't say that! Absolutely nobody has the right to judge you or try to diminish your relationship.

Re having a baby, a big syringe on your most fertile days is as good a way as any but if you can afford medical input then give that a go.

Good luck, I hope you become pregnant.

Well you're both just asexual. And therefore probably lucky to find each other.

You will have to use ovulation sticks. And you will have to use something to insert his specimen - there's a reason turkey blasters are so popular.

You will also have to do it every day around your ovulation window to optimise your chances.

When we were TTC, we were told to have sex every other day around ovulation week. You'd probably be best advised to go daily, as the method won't be as effective.

Best of luck with it!

@emsyj37

Fair comment *@Mynextname*, it's just that this scenario sounds weird. How many young, healthy, happy couples with no physical or health issues that make sex difficult just don't want to have sex to the extent that they would choose instead to conceive using a turkey baster? I would be questioning what is going on under the surface. But yeah, it's none of my business and not what the OP asked. I just hope that you are actually happy with this OP, because being sexually rejected really eats away at your self esteem after a while - I've been there (I'm still there....) and if I had my time again I would have left while things were uncomplicated.

I think you’re projecting. Just because something is different doesn’t mean it is weird. And no where does the Op say she is being sexually rejected.

I think in the main you’ve had some some good advice Op, so good luck.

@jackieweaverforpm

Given that you're so in love and happy and wanting a baby, is there a reason why you're not getting married?

What the hell has this got to do with Op's question?!

Genuinely baffled by this intrusive, rude, judgemental comment.

No advice op, but wishing you luck.

I think it's lovely that you found someone who wants the same things as you op.

I would download something like glow and start to track your cycles. You can get cheap ovulation kits off amazon or eBay and use them to figure out when you're ovulating. I don't really know the best way to do at home IUI, but I'm sure a quick Google would help you out.

There's this old mumsnet post, I didn't read it all though so I don't know if it starts to get judgey, you'll just have to ignore those bits

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/donor_conception/3896706-Conception-with-asexual-partner

@jackieweaverforpm oh bore off, do people like you only use this app to judge and question other people? Seriously what is wrong with you? The poor girl was asking for fertility advise, not relationship advise. People like you blow my mind 🤦🏻‍♀️

@ElspethFlashman

Well you're both just asexual. And therefore probably lucky to find each other.

You will have to use ovulation sticks. And you will have to use something to insert his specimen - there's a reason turkey blasters are so popular.

You will also have to do it every day around your ovulation window to optimise your chances.

When we were TTC, we were told to have sex every other day around ovulation week. You'd probably be best advised to go daily, as the method won't be as effective.

Best of luck with it!

I have read the every other advice is due to optimum sperm quality and that leaving a 48 hour lag makes better sperm than more frequent intervals.

I didn't expect such rude and judgmental responses questioning whether we love each other

That's MN for you. Plenty of rude and intrusive people available to jump on peoples posts at the drop of a hat. Welcome!

Thank you all for any nice comments and helpful advice. It's making me feel a lot better and more optimistic about my and my boyfriends chances about starting our own little family.

Hi OP! There's lots of people in your situation in heterosexual and also lesbian relationships using sperm donors. I would look to the infertility boards on here and post there and there's a Facebook private group which will have some good info (attached photo). Lots of people get pregnant this way and if timed correctly no reason why it shouldn't work!
I would avoid medical IUI And give the home method a go first as you'll have many many more sperm that way. IUI sperm has to be "washed" and limited to how much you can put in so you end up losing millions of swimmers plus it's expensive just for 1 shot a cycle but at home you could have 2 or 3 goes over your fertile window.
Get yourself some ovulation sticks and track your cycle and try and do it around your peak fertile time. Good luck!

I remember reading a Guardian article about babies being conceived this way. I don't have much interest in sex and certainly couldn't "just have sex" as some have suggested on here. I wish I had been brave enough to go down this route. I only have one child and I would have loved more but when you have zero or little interest in sex you can't always just "do it".
Go for it OP. And good luck.

@faerveren

No judgement on not wanting sex however, genuinely if he he able to ejaculate into a cup why would you not just have sex instead and save the risk of artificial insemination not working?

Having to get yourself into the mood sufficiently to have sex on the right day when you don't really feel like it is annoying enough when you enjoy sex. Let alone if you don't.

You should probably get him to put a ring on your finger first tho op. It will give you better protection if you break up on the future. Isn't that the MN mantra anyway?

Best of luck

Hi i got pregnant at 39 (twice, one mc) having sex once a month. I took ovulation tests but following them didn't result in pregnancy. In hindsight that makes sense, it meant we were dtd too late, after I ovulated. What did work was vague knowledge of fertile window and having sex because I felt like it.

I am not at all woo but I think your body/ hormones know.

So I'd say dont try and overplan but just be open to the possibility.

No problem that you don't enjoy sex, each to their own.
However, if you desperately want to be pregnant, surely it's the best way to do that? It's achieving the outcome you want, you aren't doing it for fun clearly. Pregnancy is more likely if the woman achieves orgasm too apparently - though I'm not sure how true that is!
If it's that you are genuinely repulsed by sex then I would research other methods. But honestly - if you want to be pregnant, logically you have sex. Once the jobs done you'd never have to do it again if you don't want to! Obviously if you're really uncomfortable and against it, don't do it. But you say in your op you do occasionally anyway, so I really don't get why it's any different - surely you're more spurred on by wanting a baby?

If anybody really thinks that lack of sex is a terrible problem then you totally misunderstand relationships. Relationships go wrong or are unhappy where there is incompatibility. Very often it's because one person wants sex more than the other but that's not because sex is absolutely essential, it's just because one person can't do with out sex, or wants more.

Anyway, the OP didn't ask for advice on her sex life.

OP, many, many people conceive without having sex so you should find relevant and unjudgemental advice out there.

I’ve known couples who went for ivf because basically they didn’t have sex.

What you are proposing is the diy method many lesbian couples use. It works. Better if you can chart your ovulation etc.. to pinpoint the days.

Why can’t people reading this understand that the op is happy as they are, and just wants advise on fertility

Each to their own, I would however suggest seeking advice from your doctor or fertility consultant rather than the judgemental MN

@SlowlyBecomingACatCollector

I didn't expect such rude and judgmental responses questioning whether we love each other and even going as far as to say I have been "sexually rejected". We have been together for over 5 years now, and it has been the happiest, best, and most fulfilling relationship both of us has ever had. I don't know why I am even trying to explain it. I was just looking for a little advice and a little hope. I kind of regret coming here and asking now.

The amount of judgement on here today is a bit bonkers, I had to check that you hadn't accidentally posted in AIBU

Anyway, I conceived naturally through artificial insemination done at home at the age of 38.

I took some supplements: Iron, Macca and Agnus castus I think. For a few months and tracked my cycle using a fertility monitor.

When it came to the insemination I think we just used syringes and pots available at Boots, no fancy kits.

I read that an orgasm helps move things along in the right direction so I took a toy in with me to help things along then lay with my legs up the wall for about fifteen minutes.

So yes, it's definitely doable and plenty of people do conceive this way, for lots of different reasons.

Good luck!!