Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Conception

When's the best time to get pregnant? Use our interactive ovulation calculator to work out when you're most fertile and most likely to conceive.

Original poster

Please Help 2 potential fathers

79 replies

jemnea93 · 30/01/2021 10:04

Please dont judge me i have judged myself enough this is tearing me apart and would absolutely break my partners heart who is so excited for the baby i have all my dates in a timeline for you if anyone can advise me in anyway here goes.. basically first day of LMP was 6th nov normal 28 day cycle - conception calculator tells me i would of ovulated on the 20th nov
Had private scan on 24th dec putting me at 6week 5days - conception calculator tells me from these dates i concieved on the 22nd nov
Had nhs scan 12th jan putting me at 9week 5days - conception calculator tells me from these dates i concieved on the 19th nov

I only had sex with my partner once in that time frame which was bang on the 20th of nov so all dates add up but before that on the 15th nov i made a huge mistake and had unprotected sex with another man and i have heard sperm can stay inside a woman for a week which would mean that the other man could potentially be my babies father ??

Please can anybody help me im going out of my mind please

OP posts:
Intrigued2020 · 30/01/2021 10:16

Hiya! I really feel for you! This must be such a hard time for you! To be honest I have heard that sperm can stay inside you for 5 days so it could potentially be either! I really don’t know how you would find out for sure! I don’t know if this is a stupid question but do you know if it’s possible to get a dna test on the baby when your pregnant or do you need to wait until the baby has been born?

Amz6219 · 30/01/2021 10:19

No judgement, never judge someone else and their life.

It could be but I think it’s far more likely to be your partner, chances are much lower 5 days out than day before/day of ovulation. Obviously you won’t know for sure without DNA test because it could be either really but I think it’s more likely to be your partners. Chart shows likelihood from sex days before ovulation x

Please Help 2 potential fathers
Original poster
jemnea93 · 30/01/2021 10:25

Hi thankyou for the replies pre natal dna testing is not an option for me moneywise so its just waiting for the birth the two men are different races so will be obvious when baby born but i just know it would absolutely kill my partner if it isnt him the other man is abit older in 40s and has no children i asked why he said it jusst never happened for him i dont know what that is supposed to mean maybe he had fertility problems in past? That would mean baby is less likely to be his
Its just so close together i know nobody can say for sure but hearing other peoples opinions might help settle my worries a little bit x

OP posts:
Amz6219 · 30/01/2021 10:28

It’s going to be a long wait with worrying so try not to! Easier said than done I know!

I honestly think it’s a lot more likely to be your partner x

Mseddy · 30/01/2021 10:31

It really could be either with them dates. Are you planning on telling your partner there is doubt before the birth? I cant think of anything more heartbreaking than him finding out at birth if the babys race is different to what he expected

Original poster
jemnea93 · 30/01/2021 10:40

Im sorry i just cant bring myself to tell him it would absolutely destroy him and then if the baby is his which i think is more likely then i ruined everything for nothing
My partner is iranian i am white other man is white

OP posts:
CandyLeBonBon · 30/01/2021 10:42

Is there a reason you started 2 threads on this?

Original poster
jemnea93 · 30/01/2021 10:43

I have 12 week scan in 2 days i can find out then if the dates are still lining up with the 20th x

OP posts:
Original poster
jemnea93 · 30/01/2021 10:44

I started two tgreads as didnt get a reply on first one i posted early morning

OP posts:
EmptyOrchestra · 30/01/2021 10:49

The dates can’t be 100% accurate, there is always a margin of error and if you had sex five days apart it’s not going to be possible to tell conclusively. You’ve already seen the three day difference between dates from your two scans.

I don’t judge you at all for having sex with two men, but not telling your partner the truth and creating for the potential for him to discover at the birth that he is not the father is cruel. Yes, it will be difficult for you and have consequences but can you honestly imagine what will happen if your baby is born and is clearly a different race? What will he say, and you’ll be having to deal with the fallout of his discovery of this at a time where you should be happy and bonding with your baby. The risk of this backfiring is too great.

CandyLeBonBon · 30/01/2021 10:58

I'm sorry op but if you've cheated on your partner, then he needs to know. You can't go through pregnancy and birth with this hanging over you.

That's not a judgement. That's an acknowledgment that you've fucked up. If this child is not your partner's then you have no right to expect him to raise it with you as if it is. That's morally reprehensible. You're going to have to come clean.

Mseddy · 30/01/2021 11:02

Telling him isn't ruining everything. Cheating on him already ruined it. You keeping that to yourself and him potentially finding out at the birth is awful.

Original poster
jemnea93 · 30/01/2021 11:06

Yes i know i am still really thinking it is his i know i need to tell him but at this point right now all i want is some other opinions just to try clear my mind a little first x

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 30/01/2021 11:09

Why do you want to stay with him if you were shagging another man?

If you’ve had sex with him since doing it unprotected with the other bloke he deserves to know because you’ve deliberately put his health at risk?

Original poster
jemnea93 · 30/01/2021 11:11

Dont want any replies telling me how wrong ive done thanks i already know that thats why im here in this position
Can i have just answers to the original post please

OP posts:
Original poster
jemnea93 · 30/01/2021 11:55

Bump

OP posts:
CausingChaos2 · 30/01/2021 12:04

Hi OP, really sorry to hear your dilemma. It really could be either man from the dates. Unless you were tracking your ovulation then it’s impossible to pinpoint exactly which day - apps can’t be relied upon. I agree with PPs that this is a heavy burden for you to carry through the rest of your pregnancy and birth. If it isn’t the outcome you’re hoping for that’s a massive pressure just when you’ve had your new baby. Were you in a relationship with your partner when you slept with the other man? If you weren’t, he really has no basis to hold it against you.

housemdwaswrong · 30/01/2021 12:13

I too think you should tell your partner. But, if you choose not to I wouldn't worry about the race angle overly. I know of a mixed race lady who married a blonde man and had three children by him. One was her colour, one his colour, and one average-dark Caucasian. If you are white and your DP is darker, there's no telling what skin tone your child will have anyway. Hell of a thing to have to worry about for the next 8 months though and I can't imagine how much more stressful this will make the labour. XX

BillieSpain · 30/01/2021 12:14

Much more likely to be your partners IMO.

laurini · 30/01/2021 12:19

Yes, it's not possible to say who the father is. I don't think you'll get a more certain answer. Good luck x

Teardrop2021 · 30/01/2021 12:20

Tbh you can't tell people not judge you for cheating on you're partner and having unprotected sex with both men resulting in pregnancy. If I bloke cheated on his partner and got someone else pregnant he would have his arse handed to him and rightly so. Be a decent a human and tell him the truth he has a right to made an inform decision on his relationship. You've got to accept if he is the father he may just want a relationship with his child and not you.

JamieFrasersSassenach · 30/01/2021 12:23

Are you absolutely sure you cannot afford dna testing @jemnea93 ?

I believe it can be done via a harmony test (prepared to be told I'm wrong).

From a practical point of view if you find out sooner that the baby is not your partners you have time to decide what to do going forward. Telling your partner now rather than him finding out after the baby is born. Do you want to raise your child as a single parent?

If the dna test shows that the baby is your partner's you can stop worrying about that. Whether you can then put your ONS to the back of your mind only you know/time will tell.

I would suggest you get checked for STIs though - some can endanger the baby.

You cannot change what has happened but you can give yourself (& your partner) some control of the future.

Good luck

Fifi1086 · 30/01/2021 12:24

No judgement, I can't imagine how stressed you must feel.

I agree that it's more likely to be your partners but it's such a small window and unfortunately you definitely can't rely on dating scans to be accurate to the day. I know you say you can't face telling your partner, but it would be much much worse for him to be excited for 9 months and then find out. On top of that, the insane stress you'd go through in the meantime won't be good for your baby. It's an awful position to be in and you know you've made a horrific mistake. It's also worth noting that you won't 100% be able to tell from looking at the baby when he or she is born. Genes are 50/50, so there is just as much of a chance of the baby looking more white than Iranian even if he is the dad. Also, do you really want your first thoughts when your baby is born to be looking to see can you judge who the dad is, rather than the moment you deserve as a mother?

LauEli · 30/01/2021 12:25

The thing about this thread is that your willing people to tell you it's your partners not the person you cheated on your partner with, when in reality no one can tell you that.
Ovulation is no guessing game and just because a calculator tells you when it thinks you ovulated it could be wildly wrong.
You need to own your mistake tell your partner now so he can make his own decision before you ruin his life even more.

DameCelia · 30/01/2021 12:27

Hi @jemnea93 ignore people giving their opinions on your behaviour when you've specifically asked them not to Hmm

You say pre-natal DNA is out of the question financially, how far out of the question?

Tbh, from personal experience, this is the only thing that can either set your mind at rest or give you time to deal with the fallout of telling your partner and giving him, and the baby's father, time to decide how they feel and what they want to do.

Springing this surprise on your partner in the delivery room is simply not an option if you have any feelings for him whatsoever. Sorry.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread