Is it stupid of me to want a kid at this age?

[moonbeamies]

So, I'm 19, and I really, really want a baby. I know I'm really young, but I think I'm mature enough to take care of a child. I'm still in university, but I've seen mums do both at the same time. I don't have a long term partner, but I also want to get married really young, and I think it goes well with me wanting to have a baby. But maybe I should find someone I would want to be my husband first? My family thinks I'm mental, but one of my best friends had her son in June, and she's doing amazing at being a mum, and that's what I want too :(

Any advice?

@Starlight39

At 19, stick with the path you're on - get uni finished then get a good job, save up for a deposit to buy a house. Don't get stuck with a useless man, be picky and find the right man for you. Those things will put you (and your future children) in the best possible place for a good life. If you wait a bit to have children it'll be so so worth it.

^^ agree with this, you are 19 years old!!!! You have years ahead of you.

My thoughts are it’s all about you and you haven’t really thought to much about what is optimal for your future child.

A home, financial security, two parents who love it unconditionally and who both planned to be parents. These things are important. Sometimes compromises have to be made on some of the above but you haven’t even tried to achieve these things yet. You are just skipping over them as you think about your own wants.

Slightly different perspective here, but i'm someone who was born to parents who were aged 19 when they had me.

As much as they both insist that they would never change a thing, it's only now that I am in my 30s myself with a little bit of living under my belt that I can really understand and appreciate how much they truly missed out on by having me so young. I hope this doesn't come across as patronising to younger parents because I really don't intend it to, but I can tell from speaking to and spending time with my parents that they never had a chance to "grow up" and grow into themselves as people. Being a parent has shaped who they are as it's all they've ever been. They've spent their entire adult lives as parents. Now they're in their 50's, I feel like it shows.

During my childhood they spent their time working crap job after crap job endlessly, being passing ships, never having days off, having to borrow money for shopping. Never any luxuries, never any extras, never any holidays. No time for careers, or friends or passions or hobbies or anything at all but work and kids.Things I didn't even consider when I was younger as I knew no different.

Don't get me wrong, i'm not saying that older parents don't face the above too, and i'm not saying that there aren't older parent's who become all absorbed by their kids- but give yourself a fighting chance to experience life.

I absolutely love and appreciate my parents and all they've done and continue to do for me, but I wish they'd had a life before me, so that perhaps they may have had more of a life after me too. I almost feel guilty for having been born sometimes.

For selfish reasons, I also wish they'd had more of a life first to they had more to offer me and my siblings. Not physical or material things, but bonding things like stories to tell, experiences to share, patience.

Is this a joke thread?

You're still at uni, have no money and expect your parents to support you...oh and have no partner. Sorry to be blunt, but please, finish your degree and get your career up and running before you even contemplate having a baby.

See , your comment about your family being well off and able to support you is another signal that you are not mature enough for this, your parents are not there to pay for your baby .

If it happens accidentally then fair enough but to deliberately plan a pregnancy when you are still studying and you are single is madness.
All the things you will miss out on! You’ve barely left school! There’s a whole world out there. Why make life so much harder for yourself now?

It’s a hard one. You know yourself. However, take a moment to think what you can offer your child (apart from love). Do you have a stable home life/relationship / money/ a job to go back to? I was on my gap year when I was 19 having the time of my life, then uni, then building my career. I wouldn’t have given up age 19 to 29 for anything (had 1st at 29).

I was in your shoes when I was 18/19. I threw myself into a world of TTC and it emotionally destroyed me. Not only was I not ready to be a parent (I didn't have a live birth), but I wasn't ready to handle what comes with TTC. It can be really difficult.

Take your time, play around with what you want to do, travel. Seriously- wait!

@FromABook

*Set your alarm to go off every two hours during the night and get up for half an hour at a time.

Don't clean or tidy your house for two weeks then try to just about keep on top of things.

Rub your nipples with a brillo pad every day and only wear stetched baggy clothes.

Don't get your hair or nails done.

Wear bras that are two sizes too small.

Take in somebody else's laundry.

Only leave the house twice a week.

Draw on the walls with crayons.

Pour rice krispies over the kitchen floor, but don't clean them up.

Put CBeebies on loud on your tv for nine hours a day.

Only have a two minute shower.

Every three days spend twenty minutes sitting on the bathroom floor drinking a luke warm coffee, eating stale bourbon biscuits and crying.

Make sure you keep up this regime even if you have norovirus, a migraine, period pain, flu virus or a casual injury.

This will cure your broodiness, I guarantee it*

I read this on here once, and saved it for future reference. I have 4 kids, and this is indeed accurate. I read it every so often to stop me wanting a 5th...

That might be your experience but it's certainly not mine!!

Op you are young. I had ds at 20 but the difference is I was in A long term relationship. I think finish uni, hopefully meet someone and re-evaluate. I understand why you feel like you do, though.

Ignore the mean posters on here and the people saying you've got until 50. Likely you haven't.

Well, let's see. You don't have a partner, you don't have any qualifications, you aren't financially independent. Obviously now is the perfect time to have a baby.

Seriously, you have years ahead of you to start a family. You're still in your teens. What's the rush? Finish your education, embark on your career, enjoy being young and unencumbered.

Wait until you’ve finished uni and you have a decent job. I had two babies at university (one at the end of my second year, one at the end of third year). Fucking hard work. I finished with a first class degree but I also never had a maternity leave and I missed out on that quality time with my children. It’s an insane amount of pressure to be under. I don’t think my children had the best start really. You’ve got your life ahead of you, don’t feel like you have to be doing everything at once.

I don't understand, your dream is to just have a husband and a baby? Do you even want the relationship? It's not wrong to have a baby at 19 but considering you don't even have a partner it just seems a little odd. You could happily finish your degree and still have a baby in your early 20s if you've met someone by then.

To plan a child without a stable income, a secure home and most importantly without a relationship will not only hamper your own future but is a sad start to life for your child.

I was for a long time a single mom and although I would do anything for my daughter I ended up compromising everything to support her. I worked crazy hours to put a roof over our heads and I'm incredibly guilty in the fact she will never grow up with a decent loving biological relationship with her dad. My own dad is wonderful and I can't believe I cheered her out of that.

Don't be selfish. You aren't in any position to have a child and give it the best possible start. If you want a child so badly work on all the things that make a strong loving financially stable home first.

Sort your career first. Having a degree won't guarantee you a high flying career but having a baby will make it a damn sight harder.

There's nothing wrong with being broody at 19 but acting on it would be crazy, especially without a stable relationship or even a boyfriend.

I had one at 20. I was married. I too thought I was mature. I really wasn't. I ended up alone it was bloody hard.
You say your family are well off , but would they want to support a baby ?
If I did it again I'd go to uni at 18 and wait. Travel , meet a decent man , get some savings and a house.
If you're determined to be a young mum at least try and find a good man to have one with.

I'm shocked at the amount of people who don't realise you don't need a partner to have a baby

@HallieKnight she is 19 - unless you’re suggesting she has a one night stand it’s not likely that, without a job, own home etc that she’s going to be at the clinic getting a donor sperm 🙄

Why not?

I had my 1st planned baby when I was just turned 21. So 20 when we planned to get pregnant. Best thing we ever did. So glad my boys are now over the baby years and I am only just 30. Me and DP are still together and own a home. I have RA though so I am glad I started young because I just wouldn't have been able to cope now.

Well for starters how is she planning on paying for it?

You don't have a partner, you don't have a job, you don't have a long term rental (?), you're still in education.

I'm not much older than you (25) but trust me when I say it is not easy to get a good career when you leave uni. Especially during Covid when likely there will be several years of grads fighting tooth and claw.

I could never have worked my way up the ladder to now being a junior at my dream job if I had a baby. I couldn't have afforded childcare and hours are long when you prove yourself (think 9am to 8/9/10pm).

And that's if you get on a decent scheme or placement track. Do not throw away a possibly fulfilling career and money (to spend on your future children).

@HallieKnight

I'm shocked at the amount of people who don't realise you don't need a partner to have a baby

To be honest for a woman in her mid-late 30s and older who wants children but hasn't find the right person then sure, go ahead and do it alone and more power to you.

For someone who is 19 why would you just automatically skip the idea of having them 'the old fashioned way' before you've even tried?

I haven’t read all the comments, but I’ll reply with the experience that I have had.

So when I was 19, in a relationship, I was DESPERATE for a child. It went through my head all the time. I voiced my feelings to my partner, who was the same age as me and agreed to it as well. However, I just started university and we were planning on buying a house. So we focused on the house, and I kept my focus on uni.

I always voiced my desire to have a baby. If contraception had failed me I 100% would have kept it.

BUT... I’m now 27, married (to the same partner) we also bought our house. We fell pregnant last year and had our bubba last year. I shit myself when I saw the positive pregnancy test.
I’m well established in my job, so is husband. We have our own mortgage. But the pregnancy wasn’t planned and so we had no finances behind us, which meant the whole 9 months was spent seriously preparing for a brand new baby and covering my wages while on maternity leave.

It’s not just a case of wanting something to look after and tend to. You have to financially support that baby, which includes buying the thousands of things a baby needs. If you are at uni now how do you support yourself? If you stayed at uni now would you support a baby on top of that? If you took a year out for maternity leave how would you financially support yourself?

If you think having a baby for you will be fine because your parents will support you, that means they are still the parents, they will be acting as the partners to your baby because you are unable to fully support.

I totally get the desire for a baby. I was there myself once. But try to keep talking about your feelings and listen to those around you.

It's all very well and good wanting a cute little baby, but have you ever considered that you may have one with a physical and/or mental disability?

Even if you have a baby with no additional needs, go and look at the price of nursery fees...