TTC journey after a late pregnancy loss

[Greenbks]

Hi everyone,

I am 30 years old and live in London. My husband and I lost our son at just under 5 months in February this year. He was born alive and we got around an hour with him on my chest while his heart beat. It has been the most difficult and heartbreaking experience of our lives. I’ve turned to Mumsnet several times since for support.

Prior to losing my son, I had a mmc around 8 weeks in August last year and a chemical in early 2018, but we weren’t ttc when I had the chemical.

This is cycle number 5 for us. I thought it would be easier to conceive since i became pregnant (three times before) after the first try. It’s becoming frustrating after so many losses but in July I decided to do some research and noticed my luteal phase was short (where it wasn’t before) and could mean I had hormonal imbalances. So I have been eating healthy and have lost a bit of weight to aid a healthy pregnancy.

I’ve seen and have been keeping up with several threads which exist for ttc after a miscarriage and had even joined several after my mmc in August last year, however I just don’t feel like they fit what I’ve been through this time. Please don’t get me wrong, my mmc was devastating but I picked myself up, went to the gym, socialised carried on working etc and felt better soon after. This time, I am in a very dark place and even if I find myself pregnant, simply getting to 12 or 13 weeks will not ease my mind due to losing my son at almost 20 weeks.

I suspect there are women out there like me who unfortunately understand this anxiety and may want to join this thread to vent your fears, symptom spot whilst trying to conceive (🤞🏽 For us all) and finally have a healthy pregnancy.

I am 7dpo in cycle 5.

Hi @Greenbks I'm so sorry to read this, I can't imagine how tough that must have been. I can't really offer any support. I've not had a late loss myself (2 early ones, which broke me enough tbh so I can't even fathom a later one). Have you ever read 'it starts with the egg'? I'm reading it just now and it has so much useful info in it for recurrent loss and many other things. It may help they way you think about TTC too (it has for me)

It's probably more for MC rather than late loss, thinking about it. Sorry I should think before I post

Oh love. I'm in the same position after a late loss early in the year. I'm sure your previous boy felt so loved.

A late loss felt very different to me. I got to spend time with my tiny but absolutely perfect baby. We left with a memory box instead of a baby, and our baby was buried in the smallest coffin imaginable.

I just found out I'm 5 weeks pregnant and am terrified.

I don't know whether this is helpful, but I want to give you hope.

I had two early miscarriages & then my daughter was stillborn in the second trimester. She died in the womb.

I had a bicornuate uterus, polycystic ovaries.
I couldn't conceive without Clomid & my cycles are all over the place.

My fourth pregnancy was high risk due to hypertension & I bled significantly & repeatedly throughout my pregnancy. I was at the antenatal assessment unit twice a week every week from 19 weeks pregnancy. I had steroid injections & they did everything to keep him going as long as possible.

My beautiful boy was born 5 weeks prematurely by emergency c-section & although tiny at 4lbs 10oz, he was fit as a fiddle!

He's currently sitting on the sofa, aged 9, & I adore the ground he walks on!

My fourth pregnancy was so very stressful & I never felt confident that we would make it, but we struck lucky.
The pregnancy journey after multiple losses/still birth is a hard & emotional road, but just keep going.
I think we get very wonderful children when we face such a hard journey to get them!
Keep hopeful & keep going

@Daffodil21 thank you for suggesting the book. No need to apologise, sounds like the part about the way you think about ttc again may be useful to me, especially since it’s getting me very down and I’m becoming a tad obsessed. so will check it out!

@Greenbks phew. I've been sitting here kicking myself for posting! Sorry I really didn't mean to come across as insensitive. I can't possibly understand what you and other here are going through.

I can however, relate to the obsession. I saw you commented on another post I have so you may have already read my post, but have you ever considered hypnotherapy or anything like it?

@TTCarainbow we did the same. We got to spend the night with him beside us in the grieving room. I felt like I’d been hit by a bus and couldn’t absorb what had happened. It was like it was an out of body experience which I’ve since been told by our counsellor could’ve been my minds way of dealing with it.

Legally we weren’t allowed to take our boy out of hospital until we’d registered his birth and death which took and additional 4 days and so leaving him at the hospital morgue was simply the worst thing I’ve ever experienced in my life. I felt like my heart was being ripped out but we got to bring him home eventually.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, I’m ttc again but I can’t even imagine all the feelings you’re feeling and the anxiety. I won’t say anything positive as I know it won’t be helpful - are you having regular check ups? I was told at our post 6 week chat with the hospital that we would be led by a consultant and they would keep a closer eye on us when the time came - but I don’t know how that has changed due to covid.

@swearymary100 my gosh. That must’ve been terrifying. 4lbs 10oz! Our boy weighed 152grams and his tiny heartbeat was the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen.

I’m glad you shared your story, it’s very much appreciated especially since I know it can be difficult as it’s not just retelling the past but reliving it too. I know It’s still very fresh For me but I haven’t and don’t think I will ever be able to tell someone about my son without crying. So glad your boy is ok.

Also very sorry to all of you for your losses.

All our stories are different but we’re joined by our grief and more importantly, our babies.

I too have been following It Starts with the Egg 2nd Ed and I'm sure its helped.

The bereavement midwife team are coordinating a specialist care package for me, with an amazing consultant and I'll have extra scans. Fingers crossed!

@Daffodil21 I saw your post and especially liked the idea of preparing your body/eggs. I’ve been so miserable and self destructive these last few months so July was the start of my healthy body mind and emotional journey. Although I’ve sprained my ankle pretty badly so am bed bound for the next few days and that puts a temporary hold on running/gym but I’m trying to keep my food intake as healthy as possible.

When are you due To have the hypnotherapy session? I’ll be interested to hear about that.

But yes, I'm terrified!

@TTCarainbow very pleased to hear they are organising a special package for you- you, your partner and baby certainly deserve it.

I hope you don’t mind me asking, did you find that it took you longer to conceive after your late loss?

I’ll have to check out it starts with an egg as I can certainly do with the help.

Hello everyone,
Even my story is of something similar.
I lost my baby boy at 5th month in April. It was MMC, it's my 4 cycle TTC, last time it was very easy and cakewalk to fall pregnant and this time taking so long maybe harmones are still awful.
Just hoping for the best

I lost two babies at four months (separate pregnancies). I had to take time out to mentally prepare to try again. I’m really glad I did as we fell pregnant again straight away and although I was terrified the whole time, emotionally I was stronger. My little boy was born at 32 weeks and is now a healthy 9 month old. I didn’t enjoy a single second of that pregnancy. I didn’t tell family until 20 weeks and friends at 22 weeks. Even then we couldn’t relax. It’s awful that you can’t be excited by pregnancy and it really takes its toll. Good luck to you on your journey

Hi Shinea, sorry to hear about your loss.

Ttc and it not happening when it did so quickly last time sucks. Are you doing anything to try and regulate your hormone imbalances? Our bodies have been through a lot so it’s no surprise our hormones are out of whack.

I’m cycle 5, and found the hormones in my body were messed up- so I have been working on it. My luteal was was shorter than it’s ever been so I did some research and saw that it could be as a result of low progesterone and other signs which made me think i might have estrogen dominance.

So I’ve been eating organic veggies, fruits and meats. Upped my fibre intake, been taking zinc supplements (alongside folic acid and vitamin D) which supports fertility by regulating hormone function and ovulation. I’ve also been exercising which has helped cortisol levels (since I’m feeling more relaxed).

This month I ovulated a day earlier than I had the last 4 cycles so perhaps it’s working? I have had a slight shift this month and I have thought regardless of whether I’m Pregnant This month or not, at least I am making healthy choices and giving my mind and body some well deserved love and care.

My cycle took 3 months to return, including many weeks bleeding and the first time I ovulate we conceived. I was taking most of the supplements that the book recommended for 12 weeks prior to BFP.

I'm still grieving but I won't ever forget my tiny baby and I felt ready to try again. I know this pregnancy won't feel the same and I'll try to cherish each day.

@Greenbks I had my first hypnotherapy appointment yesterday. It was more powerful than I expected to be. It's sort of hard to explain. It was about trusting my body to do what it's supposed to do, and some visualising too. I've got another appointment in a couple of weeks. I have been having reflexology too and I have definitely felt much more positive in the last week (I've had 2 appointments, both close together to hopefully help stimulate ovulation). I've had much more energy too and although I can't really switch off from thinking about it all, it's making me think much more positively about it all. Paired with that book it's helping me to take the pressure off each individual month and instead focus on improving my egg quality for the egg which will released in 3-4 months time

@Greenbks yeah I am working towards balancing my stress and taking healthy food and tracking cycles

@Wowcherarestalkingme I’m so sorry for your losses. Losing two of your babies at 4 months is heartbreaking. Taking time out and mentally preparing yourself sounds like the best way to do it. I waited a cycle and then started trying And the first few tiles I got a negative I was sad but also relieved bcos I was still grieving. Although I feel ready now. I don’t blame you for not being excited in that pregnancy - it’s hard to be excited when something so terrible can happen. Husband and I have said the same, that we won’t tell anyone until we are far into it, actually he is happy to not tell anyone until/if the baby arrives. I don’t blame him.

Thank you and congrats on your son.

@TTCarainbow I agree trying to cherish each day is the best way to go about it. I’ve said to my partner that if & when I do get pregnant again I want to love the baby and cherish the pregnancy. I can see us becoming Emotionally detached bcos we will be too scared of losing the baby (which is understandable) but I don’t want to punish any subsequent baby or if we did lose it, id feel very guilty of not loving it.

@Daffodil21 The therapy sounds interesting and I’m glad you’ve had a positive experience.

I’ve decided that if I’m not pregnant this month. I will return to work earlier than I said I would -in October. I’m currently on maternity leave and was hoping to get the first few months out the way (I get really sick the first 3 months) and solely focus on the pregnancy.

I still have a few days to go before my period but I am starting to feel a few pregnancy related symptoms, like v mild breast, gagged when I brushed my teeth this morning and very gassy but then again, those are all pre period symptoms too.

Taking the test on Thursday so will know then. If I’m not pregnant then we’ve said we’ll give it a little break of trying so rigidly and I will focus on work/health etc.

Let’s see what happens

Hi,

I’d love to join if that’s ok. I’m so very sorry for your losses.

I lost my beautiful boy at 17 weeks just before lockdown. I had a horrendous pregnancy with early bleeding, hyperemesis and anxiety. I had lots of early scans which all found my baby to be absolutely perfect. By 16 weeks I’d finally got my head around the fact that everything might be ok.

I went for a routine midwife appointment at 17 weeks and she couldn’t find baby’s heartbeat. She wasn’t concerned but because of my anxiety sent me to the hospital for a reassurance scan. Sadly, my beautiful boy had died. The hours and days that followed passed in a blur. The labour was surreally calm and although I was petrified to see him, he was perfect. So tiny, but so beautiful.

Because of lockdown, the after care I received was pretty shit. I had to chase the hospital for the paperwork to authorise the post mortem and the funeral couldn’t take place until over a month later due to delays. Lockdown seemed to make everything feel so much harder. I missed my family and I spent so much time alone with my thoughts. I eventually reached rock bottom and realised I needed help so started Zoom counselling via a wonderful charity called Petals. I will be eternally grateful for how they helped me. At times I honestly thought I wouldn’t make it.

So here I am now... looking towards the future, beginning to notice the sun starting to shine again and finally thinking about having another baby. I’m petrified it won’t happen, but I’m petrified it will.

Sorry for the essay!

@MissyBate even my story is of something similar, I had to go for labor and give birth to my baby. Everything was fine till 16th week and at 20th week anamoly scan they weren't able to get heartbeat.
I always wanted to ask everyone anyone knows the reason for late miscarriages? I had NT scan as well at 12 weeks which ruled out genetical disorder.

@Shinea My baby had the cord wrapped tightly around his neck several times which was the most probable cause. I have also recently found out that I have tested positive for Lupus anticoagulant which again could have been a contributing factor. I had a blood test after giving birth and another 12 weeks later. I am seeing a haematologist in a couple of weeks so should know more then but from what I’ve read, I will need blood thinners with any future pregnancies.

I’m so sorry you went through something similar, how are you doing now?

Hi everyone. I’ve just come across this thread and wanted to add my story if that’s ok...

I had a healthy pregnancy in 2016, no issues at all. Then in 2018 I had a MMC at 20 weeks (baby was tiny - only measured about 14 weeks, but were certain she was alive longer than that), hospital did post mortem on baby and told us all was fine, no reason for it so try again.
In 2019 I was pregnant again, this baby grew to just over 12 weeks and then his heart stopped beating. Again he was ‘healthy’ so the hospital tested me for blood clotting and thyroid disorders and told me nothing could be found, so to try again but to take progesterone and baby aspirin with next pregnancy and they were certain all would be fine.

This year I found out I was pregnant again. Healthy scans (all on my own due to lockdown - so terrifying!) at 9, 12 and 17 weeks, heard his heartbeat at 18 weeks. Then at my 20 week scan once again I found out that my beautiful baby had died.

So now we know for sure there is something more sinister going on, and feel very very let down by the hospital who told us twice we were fine to just try again. We’re currently on a waiting list to see a more specialist consultant.

I’m not posting this with the intention of stressing anyone out, but I would definitely advise to get as much testing as possible after a second trimester loss. If a baby is genetically normal and there is no signs of infection, then they shouldn’t just suddenly stop living. Obviously we had our first child with no issues, so even with something ‘wrong’ it is possible for a baby to survive, but I wouldn’t wish what we’ve been through on anyone so I really do recommend having a treatment plan in place for pregnancies following a late loss.

So sorry for all your losses and I really really hope you get your much deserved rainbow babies.