TTC journey after a late pregnancy loss

[Greenbks]

Hi everyone,

I am 30 years old and live in London. My husband and I lost our son at just under 5 months in February this year. He was born alive and we got around an hour with him on my chest while his heart beat. It has been the most difficult and heartbreaking experience of our lives. I’ve turned to Mumsnet several times since for support.

Prior to losing my son, I had a mmc around 8 weeks in August last year and a chemical in early 2018, but we weren’t ttc when I had the chemical.

This is cycle number 5 for us. I thought it would be easier to conceive since i became pregnant (three times before) after the first try. It’s becoming frustrating after so many losses but in July I decided to do some research and noticed my luteal phase was short (where it wasn’t before) and could mean I had hormonal imbalances. So I have been eating healthy and have lost a bit of weight to aid a healthy pregnancy.

I’ve seen and have been keeping up with several threads which exist for ttc after a miscarriage and had even joined several after my mmc in August last year, however I just don’t feel like they fit what I’ve been through this time. Please don’t get me wrong, my mmc was devastating but I picked myself up, went to the gym, socialised carried on working etc and felt better soon after. This time, I am in a very dark place and even if I find myself pregnant, simply getting to 12 or 13 weeks will not ease my mind due to losing my son at almost 20 weeks.

I suspect there are women out there like me who unfortunately understand this anxiety and may want to join this thread to vent your fears, symptom spot whilst trying to conceive (🤞🏽 For us all) and finally have a healthy pregnancy.

I am 7dpo in cycle 5.

@MissyBate so sorry for you!! Mine reason was unknown, everything was normal and even doctors weren't able to say what went wrong :( I am doing good but unfortunately I was due in this week so going through tough times of if could've been, would've been thoughts.

@Crumpettes exactly my worrisome part it is. Baby loss at 2nd trimester can not be just happened case and i am not understanding why hospitals just say everything is fine, I still spend my nights and days thinking about what went wrong. My baby was all fine till 16 week checkup and no heartbeat at 20 weeks and it measured about 14 weeks. It cant just happen like that, all I wanted was to know atleast what went wrong :(

@Crumpettes I am so sorry you have gone through this 3 times... I can’t even imagine 💔
I hope you get some answers.

When I found out I had the clothing disorder recently I was told to ‘try again and we’ll make a plan when you’re pregnant’. There was just no way I could go into this again blindly, just hoping for the best knowing that something specific was wrong. I eventually got a phone consultation and she was able to give me more info about a plan going forward. (Blood thinners, placenta clinic, consultant led, lots of extra scans).

TTC again after baby loss is so daunting.

It's so sad reading about everyone's losses, but also heartening to see that even in the darkest of days, we can find hope.

My daughter's name was Hope.

Best of luck to those still trying, fingers crossed & prayers that you all find the strength in your next pregnancies.

In the end, it's worth it ♥️

Hi all, I hope you don’t mind me joining your thread! I’m so sorry for your losses. I came on here for some inspiration and reassurance. On 18th July 2020 I went into early labour with my little girl Nora at 23 weeks, she was born alive and was a few days too young for them to try and save. Needless to say I’m absolutely beyond gutted. Waiting on the post mortem results to see whether it was an infection or an Incompetent cervix that caused me to go into early labour...we are also waiting on a date for the funeral which is excruciating. I’m still recovering atm, Lochia hasn’t stopped yet and still having the odd after pain which is a rubbish reminder, but I’m very keen to try again as soon as we can. Have started back at the gym this week and am watching what I’m eating (Morning sickness kind of put my fairly healthy lifestyle to pot when I was pregnant) as well as taking supplements. Will check out that book ‘it started with an egg’ too, someone mentioned it in another thread. Thanks :)

@MissyBate of course we’d love to have you. I’m
So sorry you’ve gone through this too. I’m sorry you had a traumatic time with the after care. I remember I could barely function and it really makes a difference. We had an issue with our sons birth certificate, the doctor has filled it out incorrectly so things like registering his birth and death were delayed (we were called by the registry office on our way to register him to tell us this and to save us from coming in) which meant we had to wait a few days to go collect him from the hospital. I am glad counselling is helping. I’ve learnt (through personal experience) that grief is not linear and to be kind to yourself.

@Shinea, I’m not sure about the reasons for late miscarriages. I think they differ. I had all the relevant blood tests, scans, autopsy of the placenta etc but they were not able to identify the cause. Instead they’ve said it’s likely that because I had a low lying placenta, that led to large amounts of bleeding at month 3-4 and then my body started having contractions as it thought it was time. It really is agony not knowing why this happened and I know what you mean about wondering constantly about the reason. We had been waiting for that post birth chat with the doctor and it just deflated us. Like there’s no closure.

I’m sorry this week is tough for you. Please be kind to yourself and do what you need to do in order to get through this week. Sending you lots of love and hugs ❤️

@Crumpettes thank you for sharing and I am so sorry for your losses. I am glad you’re getting to see a specialist consultant, if you feel comfortable sharing, it would be great to hear how you’re getting on.

@MissyBate arghhh I hate that. I was told the same. When you’re ready to try again we’ll investigate to see if it might be your cervix as that can only be checked while you’re pregnant (although they believe this was not the cause). I’m glad you got to chat to the consultant- I had no idea they even offered that otherwise I would’ve pushed to do the same. I did ask at the 6 week chat and was told the same about more care & scans, consultant let, cervix checks etc but yes, ttc again especially when you don’t know what might happen this time is so bloody daunting. Like at what point will I get past my anxiety and enjoy the pregnancy or does that not happen until my baby is alive and safe in my arms?

@swearymary100, thank you for sharing your daughters name, Hope. Xx

@Greenbks thanks for your kind words!! Not a replacement but I thought I ll be conceived by the time I hit was supposed to be due date, but unfortunately its taking forever now. I m calming down myself thinking maybe I carried for long at 20 weeks, harmones must be high and it takes time. Fingers crossed for this cycle 🤞🤞 I m currently 2dpo today

@Norasmum, welcome. I’m so sorry about what you went through and your loss, little Nora.

Our stories are similar in that we went into early labour and our babies were born alive. I’m sure you’re doing the what ifs in your head like the rest of us. I’ve often thought what if our boy had waited a few more weeks to make his appearance, would he still be here? It’s something I thought about a lot right after I had him but try not to as much now as it’s real mind fuck. Did you have to register her birth and death? My husband had to call up the registrar, I couldn’t bring myself to say that sentence and it’s haunted us ever since. Sending you lots of love and strength for your little girls funeral. We had our boys funeral in February and it was just myself and My husband.

Please do use us to lean on for support and nice to hear that you are taking care of yourself physically. X

I know what you mean. It’ll never replace our babies, the way I like to think about it is it’s to give my son sibling/s.

Good luck with testing. Let us know how it goes. I hope this will be a positive thread for us all.

Like you it’s taking me a lot longer to conceive this time round. I was awake until 5am this morning trying not to take a test. Which was a stupid thing to do bcos had I just taken the test it would’ve put me out of my misery. Anyway I ended up doing the test at 4am, it was a BFN and then I just sat and cried in the bathroom and it woke my husband up. He gave me a hug and we went to sleep shortly after. I told myself that if I wasn’t pregnant by now that I would go back to work in October otherwise I find myself sitting at home
Obsessing over whether I’m pregnant. When I first set out ttc after my son, I thought I’d be going back at least 4 months pregnant.

I’ve also made the decision to focus on my health - we’ll continue trying but I’ve ordered ‘it started with an egg’ As well as Angus Castus, since my luteal phase is a little shorter than it was when I was ttc last time and will give my body some TLC. I’m going to book a massage every month and will look into acupuncture too.

I sprained my ankle last Friday so I’m Currently not able to do any exercise which sucks but as soon as it’s healed I can’t wait to head back to the gym.

Do you guys have any kids already? I’ve had losses before my son but no living children. Sorry if that’s an insensitive question- feel free to not answer.

@Greenbks Thank you so much ❤️ The what ifs are torture, I go through the day before, over and over in my head. I was having bad period type pains, called the midwife and she said not to worry and they were normal and it was probably pelvic groin pain...I even joked that I thought I was in labour from the pain and she laughed and said no you’re fine. They said to go to the doctor for a urine test in case it was an urine infection, but it was clear and he told me I probably had constipation- I carried on with the ‘constipation’ pain till the next day then I started bleeding, rushed to the hospital and found out that I was 3cm dilated. They tried to stop the contractions and put a stitch in to keep her in but it was too late...I can’t help but think that if they’d have taken me a bit more seriously and got me in for a check she could have been saved- but I do really need to stop!
We haven’t been able to register her yet, I’ve been informed that she will be back from the coroner next week and then we can go and collect her certificate and do that...I’m seriously dreading it, but it’s nice to know that there is proof that she was here if that makes sense? Which I think is awful that they don’t do with babies before 24 weeks normally. I think my husband will make the phone call for that. I’m so sorry you had to go through this too, I genuinely would not wish this upon anybody :(

Sounds like you are doing all the right things and I’m keeping everything crossed for you that your next test is a positive one...I’m sure it will be.

@Norasmum, that’s very traumatic. I don’t blame you for doing the what ifs, I did myself for months afterwards. I hope everything goes ok this week, I know it’ll be an emotional few weeks but we’re here if you need the support.

A month after our son, my husband and I attended a SANDs meeting (before Covid when the times allowed it) and there were 6 other women there. two Of those women were heavily pregnant but had lost their previous babies and needed the support to deal with the guilt and anxiety they were feeling. The other women were returning for the support and one of the women, like me had lost her baby less than a month before around the 5 month mark. What made me angry was because unlike me, her baby was not born alive, she was off sick and although her employers were supportive, she was expected to go back to work when she felt better. Whereas I was off for up to a year as I’d gotten my maternity rights. Hers was classed as a miscarriage and my baby got to be recognised as a baby and was classed as a neonatal death. I’d never thought of it before because I never had a reason to but I felt so angry that a late term loss is classed as a Miscarriage and they’re not given the same rights (like maternity and acknowledgment of their baby) even though we all go through traumatic events to bring that baby into the world at such a late stage. surely this can’t be right.

I have no kids but I feel like a mum. My husband feels like a dad and if we didn’t have a birth certificate we wouldn’t be parents in the eyes of the law and it all depends on that little detail of was the baby born alive / how far along was the a baby. Which is so wrong and sucks on so many levels.

Well it’s another month and another bloody period (no pun intended) for me.

My husband and I started trying since In June last year. We suffered a mmc in the August and then fell pregnant very soon after with our son who was born in February. We waited 8 weeks for my hormones etc to settle and we Started trying again. It’s cycle 6 for us (in August) and I’m still not pregnant.

It’s been a year and two months since we set out to become pregnant and it’s difficult to be optimistic. My ankle is Mostly healed so I’ve decided to head back to the gym on Wednesday and Start eating healthy again to get my body (and eggs) in as a healthy place before I do conceive.

For those who are reading it starts with an egg - can you please advise me if I should go with hard copy or kindle version? Or does it not matter?

How are the rest of you doing?

I had my first session of reflexology today, I also tried reiki in the week and really enjoyed it. Also looking into acupuncture. Thought it can’t hurt to give a few things a go and see if they help!

@Greenbks I just bought a used copy from Amazon, the kindle version is cheaper than paperback but I don’t think there would be any difference?

@Norasmum Glad you enjoyed reflexology and reiki, do you think you’ll continue? Also I hope everything is ok with you as I know this week/next few weeks will be emotionally challenging. I’m so sorry. X

I am of the same opinion so have booked a hot stone massage for Thursday, getting a massage every 3 weeks as I find that I’m tensing my body a lot.

Going to call and book a consultation and then treatment to get acupuncture done too. Not sure what to expect but a little nervous.

I’ve ordered some ubiquinol for myself so will be taking those twice a day for the next few months. We’ll see how that goes. I ended up calling the dr last week and she’s going to run some blood tests to see how my hormone levels (progesterone, estrogen, thyroid etc) are on day 21 and second day of my period. We’re still trying but very much of the mid frame of let’s focus on getting healthy (I‘ve lost half a stone but have a bit more to lose) and hopefully the rest will come.

Thanks, I think I’ll just order the kindle version then!

@Greenbks funnily enough yesterday I came on my first period- I don’t think it was a coincidence! So will def be carrying on with them, I’ve also started taking COQ10, it was recommended in the ‘it starts with an egg’ book and Luisa Zuissman also recommends it in her blog. It improves quality of the egg and sperm apparently.
Thank you, so sweet of you to remember. We registered Nora’s birth on Monday, the office is open now so we had to do it in person, the registrar had as much sensitivity as a gnat and asked if ‘it had a name’ I couldn’t believe it!
The funeral is on Friday at 9.20am, I’m pleased that she’ll finally be at peace but I’m also dreading it.
That’s great that your doctor is helping you out and giving you the blood tests, that’s really positive and well done for losing weight, it’s hard in these circumstances...I haven’t weighed myself- I’m sad enough! Just trying to make healthy choices and go by how my clothes feel, all I want to do is eat though! The lady that did my reflexology said that when your body gets into a relaxed state, that is when your organs thrive and get themselves into the best possible state, so I think the hot stone massage every 3 weeks is a great idea. I’ve heard lots of success stories with acupuncture too, I’m just not quite sure what to expect! X

@Norasmum I’m so sorry you had such a terrible time at the registrar, why would you be registering ‘it’ if Nora was not a living being? If you’re up to it, provide feedback so the registrar doesn’t make the same Insensitive mistake. I’m sorry you both had to go Through that. It really was a painful experience for us.

I’m 6 months on from the birth so don’t have much of an excuse for why the weight is still on, I would just say to take your time since it is so fresh.

I’ll be thinking of you tomorrow. X

@Norasmum I’ll be thinking of you tomorrow. I hope you find some comfort in the funeral. I remember having an overwhelming sense of peace afterwards. I hope you do too.

How is everyone else getting on? I’ve stepped away from the ovulation tests and the obsessive symptom spotting this month. I feel so much stronger mentally and felt I needed a bit of time to just settle. I’ve started eating better and joined the gym too so hoping it will happen when the time is right.

@Norasmum I hope you’re ok. I also felt an overwhelming sense of peace after we lay our son to rest. Rest in peace little Nora. ❤️

@MissyBate, so glad to hear that you’re feeling stronger mentally and are focusing on your health.

Every month I symptom spot turns out to be a huge disappointment so I’ve stepped away from doing that. I’m not testing ovulation this month. We’re taking a relaxed approach but still having sex every other day or atleast 3 times a week.

I’ve spent the last 3/4 months laser focused on ovulation dates and pregnancy tests that it became a little unhealthy for me. I’ve turned my focus onto making me healthy in body and mind as well as enjoying life again. I still have moments, mainly at night so I find it difficult to fall asleep.

Are you enjoying the gym? If you can, you should treat yourself to regular massages. Everyone on here certainly deserves it after what we’ve been through.

@Greenbks I’ve done exactly the same thing for the past couple of months and it really doesn’t feel good when AF arrives. I have felt such conflicting feelings. In one way I’m desperate to be pregnant again but I’m also terrified and don’t think I can cope with the anxiety and stress of being pregnant again. Making my health my main focus, I’m just hoping what is meant to be, will be. AF isn’t due until next weekend but I have a feeling I’m out for this month. Hate the dreaded 2WW!

I’ve booked in for a massage next weekend, I can’t wait. The gym has been great for giving me a new focus and my mental health definitely benefits too. Ideally I need to lose about 2 stone. Ive lost 9 pound in the past 2 weeks so hoping I’m heading the right way.

Thanks @Greenbks and @MissyBate
Friday was gut wrenching but lovely, it was just nice to be near her again. I went to collect her ashes and broke down when I got home...it dawned on me how different this was to what I imagined bringing her home would be like, since before I was pregnant. We are burying her ashes with my Dad on Saturday which does give me great comfort that they’ll be together. I definitely know what you mean by the feeling of peace, but I’ve had some really bad waves of emotion since...in some ways I feel like I’m back to square one. It’s not helping that I’ve been on my period for nearly 2 weeks now which is leaving me seriously fed up. I thought it finished yesterday morning and was feeling really positive but later on in the day it was back. I just want to hit the ground running with baby making...and I’m sick of wearing nappies! Having some more reflexology today which should hopefully calm me down a bit. How has everyone else been this week?

Period is due in two days and I’m feeling miserable. There’s definitely a problem, it’s never taken 6+ months to conceive especially since we conceived on the first time for all pregnancies. I thought it might have been my hormones ‘regulating’ after losing my son but I don’t believe that is the case anymore. I had a 21 day blood test last Friday so just waiting for the results which I know will flag some sort of problem which won’t come as a surprise but I hope it’s nothing too sinister.

I’ve got two more blood tests on Monday, one at a clinic and another at the hospital. My dr has also referred me to the miscarriage clinic (is this the same as the fertility clinic /similar tests?) and they called me yesterday to book me in for Monday at the hospital I have birth for more blood tests and a 3D scan of my uterus. I’m feeling really down about all of this. I wish things could be easier. I’m also due back to work in October so I’m trying to get in the right headspace for that.

Life fucking sucks right now.