TTC journey after a late pregnancy loss

[Greenbks]

Hi everyone,

I am 30 years old and live in London. My husband and I lost our son at just under 5 months in February this year. He was born alive and we got around an hour with him on my chest while his heart beat. It has been the most difficult and heartbreaking experience of our lives. I’ve turned to Mumsnet several times since for support.

Prior to losing my son, I had a mmc around 8 weeks in August last year and a chemical in early 2018, but we weren’t ttc when I had the chemical.

This is cycle number 5 for us. I thought it would be easier to conceive since i became pregnant (three times before) after the first try. It’s becoming frustrating after so many losses but in July I decided to do some research and noticed my luteal phase was short (where it wasn’t before) and could mean I had hormonal imbalances. So I have been eating healthy and have lost a bit of weight to aid a healthy pregnancy.

I’ve seen and have been keeping up with several threads which exist for ttc after a miscarriage and had even joined several after my mmc in August last year, however I just don’t feel like they fit what I’ve been through this time. Please don’t get me wrong, my mmc was devastating but I picked myself up, went to the gym, socialised carried on working etc and felt better soon after. This time, I am in a very dark place and even if I find myself pregnant, simply getting to 12 or 13 weeks will not ease my mind due to losing my son at almost 20 weeks.

I suspect there are women out there like me who unfortunately understand this anxiety and may want to join this thread to vent your fears, symptom spot whilst trying to conceive (🤞🏽 For us all) and finally have a healthy pregnancy.

I am 7dpo in cycle 5.

@MissyBate how was your massage last weekend? I’ve got a deep tissue massage booked for next week after all these bloody tests. I know what you mean about the anxiety of being pregnant again, I want it so badly now but equally terrified. I don’t know if I can go through another loss at any stage of the pregnancy ever again but the need is overruling that fear right now.

@Norasmum I was thinking of you loads that day. It’s funny, you said it was just nice to be near her again, and I felt that way when we collected our son from the hospital. It’s not the way we are meant to bring our babies home but there was peace inside of me having him close and home. It’s nice that Nora is with your dad. They’ve got each other and I’m sure he is taking care of her.

Two weeks for a period is long! Has it ended yet? How is the reflexology going?

I’ve got an acupuncture consultation and then a session next week so I’m kind of looking forward to that.

How is everyone else getting on?

Just called and spoke to the receptionist at the drs and was told my first set of results had come in but I needed to speak to the dr as they couldn’t understand them. Argh. I knew there was something but it’s still knocked me and now I’m
Thinking the worst and have to wait until Monday to find out.

So now I have my results chat with the dr on Monday, blood tests at the clinic and a hospital appointment. I don’t drink alcohol but I’m going to make sure I have a gin and tonic ready for when I get home.

Sorry for the hugely wallowing & self sympathetic posts today. It really has been a shitty week and the oncoming Aunt Flo of doom isn’t helping my hormones

@Greenbks no need to apologise, one thing I like about this board is being able to speak freely about how you feel. Thank you for your kind thoughts on the day of the funeral. Really enjoying the reflexology, I really switch off and feel lovely afterwards. I’m booked in for acupuncture at the end of the month too which I’m a bit nervous/excited about. Let me know how you get on! Period has finally finished, started on the ovulation tests as I have no idea what my body is doing atm! I had a private scan of my uterus yesterday, the lady doing it said my lining was looking normal so confirmed I’d had my first period since Nora, I told her we wanted to try again so she had a look at my ovaries and actually showed me the egg that would be released next and when to start trying...it blew my mind! Saw a consultant today and she’s given the green light to start trying too (had fibroids that had grown significantly larger while pregnant but they’ve shrunk back down) . I’m trying to do the whole positive thinking thing and keep myself as calm as possible cos I know it’s a big factor in conception...which is easier said than done! Wearing my carnelian pendant every day that the reiki lady kindly gave me...I’m just giving everything a go!
That’s good that you have the test results back and something is being done, it might be something really easy to fix if there is anything up...I know my old boss was trying for a 1.5 years when she went to the doctor, they found out her body wasn’t naturally releasing eggs, they gave her tablets and she was pregnant the next cycle. I hope it’s good news and please let us know how you get on.

Anyone else feel like EVERYONE is pregnant atm? I feel like that’s stressing me out too. 4 days after I had Nora my best friend sent me a picture of a positive pregnancy test. It broke me and I haven’t been able to see her since...I know it’s not her fault and we’ve spoken about the insensitivity of her telling me in the way she did and she’s apologised. But I just think I’m forever going to associate her child with the loss of mine. I know time will be a healer and hopefully it won’t always be that way. It’s just really unfair.

@Greenbks also- you defo deserve that G&T!

Glad the reflexology is having a positive impact, I’m hoping acupuncture will do the same but I will give it a few months as I know it can take time to see benefits.

Oh wow, you saw the egg to be released this month! when I have been pregnant in the past they’ve told me which side I’ve ovulated from and I always find it interesting. It’s good you’ve got that piece of mind of knowing you will ovulate this month. Good luck with ttc this cycle, I’m hoping this thread will be filled with BFPs very soon!

I agree and am hoping that it is the case- something which can be fixed easily. Will give an update early next week (I suspect I’ll be too frazzled after all the different appointments on Monday).

Wow to your friend sending you a picture of her positive pregnancy test Only 4 days after. That’s extremely insensitive but well done to you for telling her. If I’m honest, I’d also really struggle with that and I can understand the low contact and associating her baby with Nora.

I had 2 friends & 2 cousins who gave birth a few weeks & months after I gave birth. One of my friends gave birth prematurely a few weeks after I did, her baby was in NICU for over a month and I was really worried about her & the baby so I kept in touch until I knew the baby was ok but I went low contact with her and no contact with the rest. I too will always associate their children with my son and all the what could have beens when they go through their milestones which I know I will struggle with.

continue to speak up if you find your friend is sharing details about her pregnancy that you are struggling with. You’ve been through a hell of a lot and your emotional and mental health come above anything right now and for however much longer. It’s really unfair and totally shit.

Thanks- Im really looking forward to that G&T!

@Greenbks how did you get on yesterday?x

Lighting a candle for your angels tonight 🕯

@Norasmum, I am so sorry. I had to take a break as it was all getting too much for me.

So I got my results back and they told me that my prolactin levels are slightly raised so could potentially be the reason for why I’m not getting pregnant but like a lot of other things the last few months they can’t say for sure. They suspect it’s my stress level and that I need to manage it. So I’ve been having weekly acupuncture sessions as well as a mixture of deep tissue, hot stone & lymphatic massages.

I also had my uterus scanned the same day and was told I have an arcuate uterus- which is abnormal but so common they are thinking it might be normal, anyway, it has a slight dip at the top and doesn’t prevent women from getting pregnant but can cause women to go into premature labour - so could have caused my early delivery but cannot say for sure. Then they told me I had to take bloods which should’ve been done after I gave birth but looks like I didn’t get done. The scanner also told me looks like I hadn’t ovulated that month.

I also got bloods done for progesterone levels that day and they messed up and didn’t check for progesterone.. so I have to get it done again in a few weeks time.

What tipped me over the edge was, I called my gp after the hospital scan bcos I had forgotten to ask when I’d get the results, she didn’t know and asked me what the next steps are. My husband and I just looked at each other and I said I was hoping you would know

Anyway, that day was pretty stressful and I decided to go cold turkey with baby stuff. I do feel so much better/healthier now that I’ve stopped obsessing and am hoping it’s somewhat helped my stress level but I haven’t ovulated for three months so need to get my head out the sand and we are thinking of going to a private fertility clinic to have initial checks and maybe something to help Me ovulate. I asked my gp for this and she said she couldn’t give anything I had to go via a fertility clinic and I know that can take a year or more.

Going private also gives me peace of mind that there is one person who will lead me through the whole process.

Thank you for lighting the candle for all
Our babies. I also lit a candle that night and thought of Zain and all our babies.

How are you doing? Xx

@Greenbks you really don’t need to apologise, I have been thinking of you and I’m glad you’re feeling a bit better. Back at work now, it’s my due date next week and I’ve been feeling pretty low, was hoping I’d be pregnant by now but no dice. Think I need to take a leaf out of your book as I feel stress is playing a large part. Are you feeling better after the acupuncture and massage? That’s really frustrating that you didn’t get much clear information from them and the doctor wasn’t very helpful. That sounds like a good idea. I had my fibroid scans with a private hospital and the service was worlds apart from what I’m used to- makes me wish I could always afford it!
Is Zain your sons name? It’s lovely x

@Norasmum yes that’s what we named him. I find every excuse to say his name.

I’m really sorry, I really struggled coming up to And on Zain’s due date. Will you be working or will you have the day off? Try to be kind to yourself. X

The acupuncture and massage have all
Come to a stop now due to lockdown. I really did not like the acupuncture- I have a thing with needles and after being prodded endlessly with needles during the pregnancy and still through blood tests I’ve really had enough. I think I’d had 7/8 sessions but have not ovulated. In fact I didn’t get any line on the ovulation test this month. In the past I can see my body trying and the colour building on the line but it was non existent this month. I was really enjoying the massages so will resume them once lockdown has been lifted.

I’ve stopped taking the countless vitamins too. I just felt there was an added stress with trying to remember to take them and all the different ones. My body’s done this before without the help of vitamins so hopefully it’ll do it again.

We had a chat with a fertility specialist today and looks like the first step is an in depth consultation at her office and then we move onto follicular tracking. I’ve already had tests on NHS to rule out pcos, cysts, etc but that’s as far as they’ll go since we’re not at the 1 year mark.

Sorry it hasn’t happened for you yet. I know what you mean. Christmas is coming up and I thought it would’ve happened by now. Fingers crossed for us both.

How are you finding being back at work?

I know this thread has been dead for a while but I wanted to update in case someone comes looking - I know how frustrating it can be when there’s no update.

Partner and I saw the fertility specialist who confirmed through scans and blood tests that I was ovulating that month- just a little later than I thought. So around day 19. It was such a relief to hear I was finally ovulating. Although I didn’t fall pregnant that month.

In December I decided to cancel all further fertility appointments and give my body time to settle. I was eating well- taking long walks so lost a little more weight and in December I had a 28 day period and ovulated on day 15- like I used to before I got pregnant with my son. We tried that month and I fell pregnant!

I am now just over 3 months, it is a high risk pregnancy so we’re having regular appointments. we’ve been holding our breath and haven’t told anyone other than medical professionals & won’t be until I get to 5/6 months. It took my body that long to settle down

I hope the rest of you on this thread are ok & things are going well. Xx

@Greenbks I am so so sorry for your loss (and for anyone else who has endured such sadness and heartache). I hope you find some solace in those around you.

I can’t relate to the same degree but I had an early miscarriage (after being off the pill for 11 months) and that broke my heart. I haven’t fallen pregnant ever, other than that.

Sending my love and hope to you all xxx

@Greenbks I thought of you and this thread today and thought I’d check on it...and saw your lovely news!!!! I’m so pleased for you!
I fell pregnant in February and will be having my 12 week scan next week! Also high risk and I’ve had a few scary moments already, so had a couple of early scans and all is looking as it should- so fingers crossed. A lot more anxiety and fear than I originally anticipated but I just keep imagining the joy and relief of this baby being born healthy and at a decent gestation. I’m powering through! I’ve also made the decision not to tell anyone- I feel I want to protect it for as long as I possibly can. Please let us know when your baby arrives safely, wishing you all the best xxx

@Norasmum mum- I lost this thread but thought I’d check it out today and saw your lovely post!!

Congrats!! How is everything going? Have you told people yet or still keeping it close for now?

We ended up telling family when I was told at my 21 week scan that my cervix was shortening and decided to have a stitch at 23 weeks - currently 29 weeks and going strong! The anxiety was crazy straight after the first trimester - just the thought of losing this baby so traumatically again really debilitated me. In a much happier place now and being monitored very closely. Will also be going off on leave at the end of this week and maternity leave in august. Decided to stop working early due to needing the stitch out and potentially being induced soon after that.

I am so so pleased for you and I hope everything is going well. Xx

@Greenbks thank you! We’ve just started telling people, as this time I’m huge and it’s been very hard to hide 😂
24 weeks this week, I also have a short cervix but luckily I’ve managed to keep it in check with progesterone and modified bedrest. My consultant is really pleased with how everything is looking and I’m starting to feel really positive about being able to keep her and enjoying things a bit more.
I’m glad the stitch went well and is holding up…and you are in a good place! It was so helpful to find this thread when I was going through such an awful time and I’m so pleased for you :) wishing you a blissful last trimester and all the happiness in the world xx

@Norasmum wow 24 weeks! Very pleased you didn’t have to go down the stitch route and are going strong. I bet you’ve had loads of very happy people react to your lovely news, I’ve found that people have genuinely been very happy and supportive.

So pleased for you too. I hope everything continues to go well & I’ll be thinking of you & Nora on the 18th July. I know how tough the day can be.

Do keep in touch and let me know how you get on. Xx

Hi ladies, just saw your post and thought I’d join. That a few of you have had positive stories after loss gives me hope. It took us 3 years to conceive (unexplained infertility as everything looked good) and we couldn’t believe it when we finally got pregnant. We were about to start IVF. At 12 weeks they spotted that our boy had a heart defect so I had a surgical termination at 13 weeks. That was on 1st March and tbh I just thought I’d not so much be over it (I don’t think that’s possible?) but be able to cope with it better. Still find myself crying and being angry at the unfairness of it all. Literally everyone is pregnant right now. Does it get easier? I worry that the constant thinking about it is stopping me from getting pregnant again. My cycles are back to normal and I do seem to be ovulating so that’s something I guess. Still doing acupuncture which I think helped is get pregnant in the first place. Thank you and sorry for all of your losses.

Hi @Frenchie86

I am so sorry for the loss of your little boy. That is heartbreaking and really shit.

I can only talk for myself but last year was pretty horrific. Not being able to get pregnant afterwards didn’t help but in hindsight I’m glad I didn’t fall pregnant straight away as I really did need to give myself that space to grieve my son. 11 months after I gave birth to my son I found out I was pregnant and the pregnancy itself has been extremely stressful with a ton of hospital appointments and lots of serious convos. I knew from the convos I’d had with other mothers who’d had losses that subsequent pregnancies are really challenging but I had completely underestimated just how much emotionally, physically and mentally difficult it was going to be.

I know it took you 3 years to conceive your lovely son, it took us a little longer to conceive this pregnancy after our son too. I was eating healthy, taking various vitamins and doing acupuncture but I decided to give it all a rest at the end of November and just trust my body and put my time and energy into something else, myself. I didn’t think it was going to be that easy but I had become so fixated on getting pregnant that I realised I needed to take a break.

I’m not saying you should do that or that is what helped me become pregnant but I suppose what I am trying to say is that, you might wake up one day tired of being so intensely focused on getting pregnant and realise it’s consumed you. That might be a good point to put your focus on something else, something that makes you happy.

I feel much happier now that I am almost 30 weeks and that this baby actually has a chance. But I like to think that if it hadn’t happened by now, I would have made myself a priority and yes I would have been sad but hopefully not fixated.

The anger for me is still there. Not as intense as I need to protect this pregnancy but when it comes up, I don’t fight it. What has happened to us and our babies is not right or fair.

If acupuncture works for you, carry on with it. If you need to throw in a few massages too - go for that too! Whatever you feel feeds your soul and helps you.

Have you had any counselling? It might be worth doing that with your partner /yourself. Do keep in touch and let us know how you get on. Xx

Hi @Greenbks thank you for your kind words. It really is shit and unfair on so many levels. Not only have we been robbed of our babies but also of the joy and carefree feeling of future pregnancies. Sorry it’s stressful for you but glad everything is going well so far. I know what you mean about it being exhausting and all consuming focusing on a pregnancy. I desperately want to think about something else but struggling to right now, though last month I managed to so maybe I need to be patient. I have started counselling which helps so going to stick to that. May I ask how old you are? I’m 35 and worried that I’m getting on in terms of fertility which doesn’t help with the pressure!

It’s still very fresh for you, so I think give yourself the time and space to feel how you feel. Not that there is a time stamp on how long you should or shouldn’t grieve. It still hits me and I don’t go long without thinking about him.

Glad counselling is helping.

I’m 31, so I suppose I wasn’t feeling the pressure - the only pressure I did feel was my own. We started trying when I was 29 as I wanted kids at 29 or by 30, but I know I can’t complain (and I’m not!)

Be kind to yourself. Xx

Thanks so much x

I just saw this thread and hope it's ok to join. I lost my twin daughters on 16th July last year at 16 wks. All was bobbing along ok and I went for a routine twin scan and they had both passed away.
I am currently 31 weeks with another little girl and I am beyond happy but I'm suffering so much right now reliving what happened. I had a growth scan yesterday and I got so worked up I couldn't even look at the screen as I thought they would tell me something had happened or was wrong.
My brain is my worst enemy right now! I am hoping it's just because it's so close to the year and I just need to get past this milestone. I'm having a planned section with this little one so only just under 8 wks to go.

Oh @Crazylemon86 I’m so sorry.

Pregnancy after a late term loss is so difficult and different to any previous pregnancies where a loss hasn’t occurred. I don’t blame you, I’ve been that way at every scan. The days leading up to my 28 week scan I was extremely moody and snappy at my partner and after we were told baby was ok I just felt like the weight was off my shoulders & I was so happy that day. my partner noticed and commented too.

This pregnancy has been so bitter sweet and I don’t know about you but I haven’t been able to bring myself to join the NCT classes that I would have before I had my son, so have opted instead for the NHS antenatal classes.

I wouldn’t be surprised if the upcoming date of the 16th is playing a part in your feeling this way. Im afraid the first anniversary was tough for me and there was nothing I did or told myself that helped or made it easier. We commemorated the day so we got that at least. Will you be doing anything? No pressure in answering that question bcos it is a very personal decision.

Do you mind me asking why you’re having a c section? Under 8 weeks seems very close now!