Partner doesn't want children

[midshadow]

Hi

I'm in my late 20's and my partner is in his early 30's. We have been together for almost 10 years. We have only started talking about children in the last two years or so, as we were either too young before or focused on our careers.

For the past two years, he has said he doesn't know if he wants children, that 'maybe' he will want some later on in life but that sometimes he feels like he will never be inclined to have kids.

I know I was naive but I kind of assumed he wants children and it came as quite a shock to me two years ago that actually he doesn't necessarily see this in his future.

Anyway, I feel like I am fast approaching my 30th birthday and don't have more time to give him to decide. I know it is possible to have kids in your 30's and even 40's but time/biology is not on my side.

Have you experienced something similar in the past? assuming your partner changed his mind, after how much time, is he a good father now?

Do you know anyone else who was in a similar situation? how did their situation end? did the relationship end or if not, is the individual who wanted kids resentful now?

What would you do and why? would you also see your approaching 30th as a good time to end this relationship or do you think as a woman you are still young enough at this age to hang around for a little while longer?

Any help/opinions would be greatly appreciated. I cannot imagine leaving him and I can't imagine not having children and I have no idea what to do. Thanks.

Hi, I was in a similar situation a few years ago with my husband. He kept saying we could have a baby 'in a few years', then a few years would pass and he'd say the same thing. I eventually had it out with him and he admitted he didn't know if he would ever want kids. I was 31 at this point and I basically told him I couldn't live without a child so though it would be awful to break up, that's what we would have to do if he really wouldn't have a baby with me.

He decided he wanted to save the marriage and would have a kid. He convinced me it would be ok. We had a baby and he become depressed and told me he hated fatherhood. A year later and he loves it, adores our DD and wouldn't be without her. Obviously we got lucky that it all worked out in the end. It could have gone very differently!

Wow that really sounds like a hard situation , I guess In my mind if you want children and he really really doesn’t then you would have to leave him ? Or how else would this work

I’d leave. It’s not fair to him or the child to pressurise him into having kids when he doesn’t want to.

You need to find someone who shares your goals in life. Or stay and accept that your won’t have children.

You need to also accept that you might split up in 10 years and he goes on to have kids with someone else. Lots of men who say “ I don’t want kids “ actually mean “ I don’t want kids with you “.

Sorry, I know this isn’t what you want to hear.

Agree with PPs- if you really can't imagine your life without kids then you need to be willing to leave your DP, and the sooner the better. I know it's easier said than done though

@ittybittylivingspace , thank you.

Your situation does sound very similar to mine. Did you give him an ultimatum? Or was it more like 'it will follow. the break up is approaching'. Was the depression short-lived and because of the stress brought by the new baby or was it serious? are you worried it might come back?

sorry for the intrusive questions and many thanks for taking the time to share this.

Oh my word, please don't waste (for want of a better word) your fertile years waiting for him to maybe change his mind.

If you stay with him, you need to do so with "no kids" as the plan.

Please don't give him an ultimatum. If he really doesn't want children, and you do than you just aren't compatible. If he was to have a child just to make you happy, that wouldn't be fair on any of you child included.

@C0RA , thank you.

Strangely, this did cross my mind!

He has made comments in the past about how I focus a lot on my career and I am not that good with household stuff (not in a horrible way, it was an honest observation). It's hard to accept this but he might be more willing to have kids with someone else...

My mind is telling me it's time to go but I feel despair every time I think about it so I think I am trying to prolong it.

Cut your losses.

Everyone I know who has been where you are has kicked themselves for not getting out quicker (or even at all).

Also, I have noticed that my friends/colleagues with the happiest marriages ended a relationship with a long term partner in their twenties, often for reasons as vague as:
"There was nothing wrong but it felt dull" or
"I realised he had no ambition" or
"We no longer wanted the same things in life, were both compromising to keep the other happy and neither were truly happy although there was nothing terrible about the relationship"

The worst marriages are often people who were together since uni or before and say things like in retrospect they should have broken up but there was no one single bad incident, they had joint assets, joint friends, entwined lives making it hard, they'd be seen as the bad guy for breaking up for "no reason" so they let inertia win out, and drifted along, kicking themselves years later.

Why would you think boxing a man into a corner is a good idea in order to have a child? He has told you he doesn't want them. You need to listen. If you want children, he is not the man for you.

It was an ultimatum after several years of him delaying things. I told him I couldn't live without kids and I loved him but we would have to split up if he couldn't do that. I told him that wasn't a threat, simply the honest truth. He thought about it for a few days and agreed to have a baby.

The depression was definitely the shock of having a baby and all that goes with it! I was in shock too but was also very happy. He was very unhappy until DD was about 6 months old and started getting a bit easier, and more interactive! From talking to friends it seems quite a common issue for men- they hate the newborn stage. My DH is also quite selfish and likes to do what he wants when he wants, and puts himself first. It's taken a while for him to start to put DD first but he's much better than he was! I don't worry about the depression returning as things are so much better now. But that's just my story and your partner may be very different

To add- I'm not saying you should 'box him into a corner' like PPs have said. I just think you need to really lay it on the table and say exactly how you feel. He may not realise

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz, @Pebblexox & others, thank you for your honest opinion.

Two years ago I also strongly believed I don't want children with him unless he really wants them too but I think now I am getting desperate and hoping that other men fell in love with their kids after their birth and he might too.

I did try to break up with him recently and he said let's wait at least a few more months... I think he is hoping I will change my mind and I am hoping he will change his.

How old were you guys when you had your first? THank you.

This is one situation where neither of you can compromise. If you want children and he doesn't then it's going to finish the relationship.

As another poster said please don't waste your fertile years trying to change his mind because it will not be a happy ending for you.

My Aunt tried for years to get my uncle to agree to having a baby (he already had two) but he wouldn't budge and she decided to stay with him anyway. . They had a 12 year age gap, she is now 64 and he died aged 68 8 years ago when she was 56 she is now on her own with no husband, no children and no grandchildren and she hates the decision she made to stay with him.

One of my friends spent 20 years with a man who didn't want kids, they broke up when she was 44 because he had an affair and then a year later the ow was pregnant. It's ruined her and she is devastated.

I think now I am getting desperate and hoping that other men fell in love with their kids after their birth and he might too

But surely he needs to be a willing participant in their conception? I presume he is using condoms if he doesn't want children?

Honestly I'd leave while you stil have loads of time.

Try starting a thread along the lines of "if your partner didn't want children but you had them anyway how did it work out."

I expect you will get a flood of responses with varying outcomes. You can see which resonate most with your relationship.

I know loads of people in this situation.

1. Stayed together. Didn’t have kids. He fucked off with a younger woman when she was about 40. Had 2 kids in quick succession with new woman. Too late for her. She is very bitter and unhappy.

1. Stayed together. Didn’t have kids. He fucked off with a younger woman when she was about 35. She had her baby on her own. Is now a happy single mum although would like to meet someone.

1. Stayed together. Didn’t have kids. They seem happy and live a pretty decent “childfree” life.

1. Stayed together. Didn’t have kids. Not convinced about the strength of the relationship to be honest.

1. Stayed together. Compromised on one baby. He was a crap dad but stuck around.

1. Stayed together. Had 2 kids. Got divorced. He is a crap dad.

1. Stayed together. Compromised on one baby. Baby is just 3 now. They seem happy. He’s a pretty good dad.

1. Split up. It was awful. Heartbreaking. She met someone else, had kids with him. He met someone else. Didn’t have kids with her. Everyone seems happy and they are all friendly although I suspect that there is a bit of “what could have been” for both of them with each other.

I left at age 29. You’re definitely in the gateway where for women the reality of time becomes all too clear.

I know a dozen women who left around 30/31 to find a man who would (some of their exes never did and some had a baby with someone new within a year).

I know at least 5 women who stayed and waited or begged or believed they’d made their peace with it. 3 of them the man left them around 40 for someone else and almost immediately had kids...

Either he wants them now for himself or can commit to a plan or you walk away. Xx

@Aquamarine1029, appreciate the comment but your take on this is a bit harsh.

You will notice he keeps saying vague stuff like 'maybe later', 'not sure but don't think so' and if anything, lacks the courage to tell me he definitely, absolutely doesn't want them. It would definitely make my life easier rather than asking myself if I should give him another year or two to make up his mind at the detriment of my 'fertile years', as someone else has put it.

@ittybittylivingspace, many thanks indeed for sharing that.

@TorkTorkBam , thanks, I took the positive out of that. If people wish they would have ended their relationships sooner, it means they are in a good place now.

This is something else that terrifies me. I have been with him for so long, the thought of going back into the dating scene is just horrible. And I want him.

Leave now it will only get worse the longer you leave it. It's not fun trying to coerce a reluctant man to be a father and he'll probably make you do everything even if he agreed to try.

Maybe you need to give yourself a target date? So, you may decide that if by the time you hit 29, you will say to yourself that if he isn't willing to try for a baby you will leave.

No one can tell you what he will do, or if he will change his mind, or even if he will go along with it because he doesn't want to lose you.

All I can say is, parenting is fucking challenging. It is one of the toughest tests on a relationship. You both need to be 100% committed to it before planning for it. Anything less than that will be playing Russian roulette with your relationship.

Even the most willing men can still be shit dads. You don't want to start from a place of a dad who didn't really want to be one in the first place.

Again, thank you, everyone, your examples have especially been very helpful and have voiced many of my concerns.

It looks like it's a matter of luck many times. The plan, atm, is to wait until my original deadline which is my 30th, and to not speak too much about this and just let him have another think for another few months until then.

Although, honestly, if he hasn't decided in the last 10 years I don't know how half a year could help.

And I might have another meltdown like the one I had recently and end this sooner but I think I will be strong enough to get out after my 30th as I really want a family.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz , I am on the pill and would never, ever have ''an accident''. I could live with myself if he decides 'OK' even if half-heartedly but I would never trick him. I would rather go to a sperm bank.

Does anyone have any experience with those?!

Yes, the people who ended relationships in their twenties are all bloody glad they did because where they ended up was so much better, even though their situation as it was in their twenties wasn't awful at all.

It is like a rite of passage into real adulthood I think, the breaking up with someone when it's hard to do.

I did try to break up with him recently and he said let's wait at least a few more months
How many months and how far through are you?