Partner doesn't want children

[midshadow]

Hi

I'm in my late 20's and my partner is in his early 30's. We have been together for almost 10 years. We have only started talking about children in the last two years or so, as we were either too young before or focused on our careers.

For the past two years, he has said he doesn't know if he wants children, that 'maybe' he will want some later on in life but that sometimes he feels like he will never be inclined to have kids.

I know I was naive but I kind of assumed he wants children and it came as quite a shock to me two years ago that actually he doesn't necessarily see this in his future.

Anyway, I feel like I am fast approaching my 30th birthday and don't have more time to give him to decide. I know it is possible to have kids in your 30's and even 40's but time/biology is not on my side.

Have you experienced something similar in the past? assuming your partner changed his mind, after how much time, is he a good father now?

Do you know anyone else who was in a similar situation? how did their situation end? did the relationship end or if not, is the individual who wanted kids resentful now?

What would you do and why? would you also see your approaching 30th as a good time to end this relationship or do you think as a woman you are still young enough at this age to hang around for a little while longer?

Any help/opinions would be greatly appreciated. I cannot imagine leaving him and I can't imagine not having children and I have no idea what to do. Thanks.

Hi op, do you mind sharing where/how you got the fertility tests and check up? Glad I rtft as I didn’t spot the 2020 date and was going to beg you to end it now. I had the same with a vague ex and he cheated on me with a younger woman 6 months ago and I’m starting again at 34 after over six years wasted with him.

Like you, I wish I’d left much earlier and not let him string me along.

I’m so glad it’s worked out for you - it gives me hope!

Hello

From what I remember, I was sending through enquiries for a 'Fertility MOT' consultation at the time. Due to covid delays and how pricey I found it, I couldn't go for that. But if you have the money, that's probably your best bet. If you Google it, there are loads of clinics offering them.

Luckily, I suppose, I had complained to my GP about various health issues/symptoms, and she had referred me anyway, and I got to check my ovaries and uterus this way. I think they were hoping the scan might reveal if I have endometriosis?

I also had some general blood tests for my health overall. I think they might have checked my thyroid levels, too (which could affect fertility).

I did afford a gyno consultation, and I think they had also looked at whether there were signs of polyps?

Anyway, sorry the above is vague, but I had to do separate tests and use different methods & referrals after (unfortunately) opting out of the Fertility MOT at a private clinic. It's hard to remember.

I hope it helps a bit!

PS: Also, re dating, my only advice is to take a bit of time for yourself to enjoy life again, and then (unfortunately) try and keep trying, as a good man rarely falls out of the sky. I had to go on many dates until I met my current partner. It can get easily demoralising but be persistent x

Good to hear the update OP.
Unless you are much richer than your DP, do get married asap!
Cost £57 for ceremony+ certificate+ 2 x£35 for giving notice.
See all the MN threads where a chap is lovely at first and then not so much, and meanwhile the poster has had 2 kids, put their career on hold indefinitely, and can do no more than apply for CMS while their prospects and pension stagnate because she is looking after HIS kids.
Meanwhile the exDP remarries and doesn't bother making a will, so even when he dies the kids lose out.

Oh my goodness, and here I thought I could relax for a bit :) Joking aside, I do appreciate your advice. I have not even considered those things!

I am the one doing better in my career, though... (I guess all that overtime my ex had complained about made it worthy!). I also don't intend to stop working (at least not altogether), and both sets of potential grandparents are very excited and willing to help look after a (possible) grandchild.

And although we are trying to conceive, we have not been together for a very long time, and I don't want to bring up marriage yet - I would rather he takes his time to propose.

I'm lucky that we both met after very similar circumstances, where his ex had children from another marriage and wanted no other children with him. So, we are both enthusiastic about being in a relationship now where our needs and hopes are the same (on top of everything else, of course).

I will happily listen to any other advice, though!

And although we are trying to conceive, we have not been together for a very long time, and I don't want to bring up marriage yet - I would rather he takes his time to propose.

How long is not long, OP?

It's rarely an ideal way to start life with children! You can't know a person properly after such a short relationship. As I discovered to my own cost.

About 9 months now. Risky, I know, especially when I'm usually risk averse, but I've also spent 10 years with someone who now I realize I didn't know that well either.

My own parents got married shy of a year after being together, so I hope it will work out and I am prepared to work to make it last (fingers crossed!).

After how long did you have children with your (I assume?) ex?😬

@Midshadow2022 probably the same amount of time as you. We'd been together 19 months when our first was born. I was early 20s at the time, and with age and more experience I look back and think it wasn't a sensible thing to do. Well, having a baby with someone who I barely knew. I love both my children and don't regret them at all obviously but I question if I've been unfair to them because they now have separated parents and should I have done things differently...

Thank you @Midshadow2022 I really appreciate. Good luck on your journey to conceive!