Partner doesn't want children

[midshadow]

Hi

I'm in my late 20's and my partner is in his early 30's. We have been together for almost 10 years. We have only started talking about children in the last two years or so, as we were either too young before or focused on our careers.

For the past two years, he has said he doesn't know if he wants children, that 'maybe' he will want some later on in life but that sometimes he feels like he will never be inclined to have kids.

I know I was naive but I kind of assumed he wants children and it came as quite a shock to me two years ago that actually he doesn't necessarily see this in his future.

Anyway, I feel like I am fast approaching my 30th birthday and don't have more time to give him to decide. I know it is possible to have kids in your 30's and even 40's but time/biology is not on my side.

Have you experienced something similar in the past? assuming your partner changed his mind, after how much time, is he a good father now?

Do you know anyone else who was in a similar situation? how did their situation end? did the relationship end or if not, is the individual who wanted kids resentful now?

What would you do and why? would you also see your approaching 30th as a good time to end this relationship or do you think as a woman you are still young enough at this age to hang around for a little while longer?

Any help/opinions would be greatly appreciated. I cannot imagine leaving him and I can't imagine not having children and I have no idea what to do. Thanks.

You’re not married either. Run it’s course op.

I don't know how far your birthday is, but why are you waiting until then? You need to decide whether you are happy to be with him with no kids (sounds like no) or if a baby is more important. You then need to be clear with him straight away that kids is a deal breaker and if he really doesn't want them then the relationship is over. Waiting a couple of months changes nothing, you are just putting off the inevitable and wasting time.

Yeah I’m on the side of making it clear to him what this means to you and your relationship with him. Don’t try to convince him, just state it in a matter of fact sort of way and then give him your deadline on how long you would like him to think about it before forming a reply (say a week, two weeks or such). If you keep playing to his “maybe later” then he could carry it on until the opportunity for you has all but passed by.

The resentment then would kill the relationship (if it made it that far).

FWIW I was the messiest person before I had my DC - never great at keeping a tidy home, keeping appointments properly organised (because they were for me) but having my DC lit a fire under my arse to provide the best I can for them. I’m no domestic goddess (not that I’d ever want to be) but I manage fine. I would take his off handed comments about your ‘career focus’ and not being ‘too great around the house’ as almost a suggestion that he feels you can’t do it? Or that he envisions you’d suddenly have to become a full time SAHM for it to work? Sorry if I’m reading too much into those comments but they got my back up

Kids is a deal-breaker. You need to tell him it's start a family or end the relationship and maybe set a time limit ( end of lockdown) for a decision.

It's quite a heavy decision to attach onto what should be a great celebration of a birthday.

Maybe think about it sooner, with the aim that if you do separate, you are ready and raring to get out there and celebrate your thirtieth with a clear head.

Hi everyone

When I went to bed I thought my decision to wait until my 30th is a good, final, compromise. I am now back to square one, reevaluating everything; your examples especially have given life to some scenarios I fear might happen.

Below are answers to your questions; you don’t have to read the whole thing, but I have added these because there will be other women in the same situation and it might help them at least knowing they are not alone.

• Yes, we have had the conversation about why he ‘isn’t sure’ he wants children.

• He doesn’t like children that much and doesn’t have that urge to have them, at least not now.
• He feels like he couldn’t cope if the child would have health issues or if we will have financial issues. He likes his more or less stress-free life.
• @NaviSprite, exactly. He claims I am not prepared either. That I focus a lot on my career, spend a lot of time doing overtime, I’m not exactly a domestic goddess, etc.

• @ Paperchainpopp, He knows I will leave eventually. He threw a tantrum that if I love him I should love him unconditionally, not conditional on him having children. That if it would be the other way around, he wouldn’t leave me (but how can he know, he doesn’t share my feelings about it). That we have a very good thing going and I am willing to walk away. This last bit is the one that saddens me a lot as otherwise, I do feel like I have met my 'soul mate' and no one will get me as he does. Then he will do a 180 and say that he cannot imagine his life without me and feels he might change his mind if some things in our life will change (minor, practical stuff which I feel are a red herring but am willing to do).
He has asked for a few more months to think about this, and some days he is more positive about it and will make jokes about our future children and other days he will shut down any attempt at conversation.

• @ AnotherEmma , I always wanted children but I didn’t bring it up before because I was very young, doing my undergrad and then masters, etc. and stupidly and naively assumed we are on the same page as he had never said anything to make me think otherwise. Lesson learned. I will definitely advise all of my friends and family to have the conversation on the second date.

I might update you all in a few months on what happened, right now I am still thinking if there is any point in giving him more time and if I can afford this time. Thank you very much to all of you.

What a horrible situation to be in.
I’m so sorry.
I do think that wanting kids/not wanting kids is a compromise neither should ever have to make.
I also echo what others have said re timing and why wait.
I honestly don’t see how 6 months or even a year is going to add anything good here. I think your partner clearly loves you and doesn’t want to lose you, hence why he comes up with the maybes and mights. He’s hoping you’ll eventually drop it. And I think by backing down from your ultimatum once he now feels confident that anything you say in the future re leaving him, will be a false threat.
I honestly think you should talk to him now, not after your 30th. Lay it on the table. He’s had long enough to know you want kids, it’s not going to be coming as a shock. It’s very simple, he will either have children with you, or he won’t. And if he agrees then none of this ‘yes but we’ll try in a year’ etc, because I guarantee that year comes and goes and he has another timeline and a mouth full of excuses to give you.
You need to state, very clearly, you want a baby, you want to start trying when you see fit, and if he doesn’t agree then it’s time to call it a day, as sad as it may be.
Lots and lots of women have babies well into their 30’s, and even 40’s, I myself am trying again at 37, BUT it’s very real and very true that your fertility tends to decline at a much faster rate once you’re in your 30’s. So hanging on for 6 months here, a few months there might not seem like a lot, but if having a baby is that important to you, you won’t let him or anyone else stall you for much longer.
Good luck xx

He is saying he wants kids but not for a long time. So he is basically admitting his plan is to hang around until you are 40, then dump you and get with a late 20s women to have kids with.

He knows at that age he'd have absolutely no problem meeting a keen women.

Stay with him only if it's worth it to be with him for another ten years, then be single and childless at age 40 and see him with a young bride and a bunch of kids. He must have a diamond dick if that would be worth it!

He threw a tantrum that if I love him I should love him unconditionally, not conditional on him having children

Yet he loves you on the condition you don't have them.

I've been with two men like this. First - similar story to you, 5 year relationship, him umming and ahhing about marriage/kids, I decided to call it quits around age 30. I soon meet a lovely 40 year old man who is very keen to commit and have babies. We are happy together but he has admitted he did the exact same thing to his previous gf. Umm and ahh on marriage/kids, while deep down knowing they would break up and he would have a second opportunity, and not caring that she may not.

But love, he doesn't want kids. He isn't going to suddenly want them.

He might concede and have them to avoid losing you, but he doesn't and will not want them.

That's your answer, I really think you need to summon the courage to leave him. You know you want kids, you want them more than you want him.

I feel the same, a few years ago I ended a relatively long term relationship because he didn't want kids but would have them "if I really wanted to".

I still don't have kids yet (but am with someone who does want them) and even though my ex was lovely, I don't regret leaving him. Now we can both meet someone who wants the same thing as us.

As I said, parenthood is hard enough for couples who desperately want kids let alone those who have one person half hearted about it.

Be brave, do you want to be a mum more than you want to be his wife? If so, that's it.

Based on your update I think you should leave him now. He doesn't want children and you do. And he's not approaching the conversation in an adult way; he sounds quite manipulative actually.

I have been with my partner since aged 16, we're now mid 20's. We've never actually had a conversation on children, like yourself we were busy with uni/finding our careers/getting a house and focusing on all our lovely pets haha. However, 6 years ago I had problems with the pill and doctor advised me I had to stop it. I tried 2 different methods but bled constantly as a reaction so made the decision to stop and partner use condoms, we had the one accident and then stopped after having a chat on that we'd be quite happy to have a baby. I never actually wanted children previously but then thought it would be nice, now I am desperate and rather baby obsessed! DP was less keen to begin with, but after a talk it was purely because he has no experience with babies/children at all so was scared of the unknown. Turns out we're still trying years later - unexplained infertility. Partner is upset, as am I, but believes due to our age there is still time and is happy to continue trying naturally in hope and have decided to go down the IVF route if possible when we are 30.

If unsuccessful I believe we will stay together. I am really hoping it happens, but I can't see myself leaving my partner of so long if say the problem was him not wanting them.

*supposed to say odd accident

Sorry, having read all your updates I would say leave.

I was with my first husband between 26-31. He did tell me he didn't want children before we married (like, a month before, having been unsure before that) and I should have cancelled the wedding. The stuff about 'you should love me whether I want children or not' is familiar. It shows he has never felt the urge for children at all - they are different things but linked - as soon as I was married and settled my longing for children became much more intense, I never had a day free of that longing. I wanted his child. This is normal. So are his feelings but they are equally normal and neither of you is weird. They're just incompatible feelings.

Leaving my xh was one of the hardest things I have ever done (raising my son was the hardest! But also the best). I was depressed for six months. It was emotionally and practically brutal. But it had to be done. I finally grew up a bit and understood what it meant to make my own choices and take the consequences.

It will hurt. It wont be easy. But I was lucky enough to meet DH and have my son. That wasnt the end of the story either, by a long way. But it was the right path.

He’s just stringing you along, the relationship has been outgrown, it’s fine. After you dump him you’ll need a period of time to set up your new life and get to know yourself as a single adult, then trying to meet someone and then know them for a few years before getting pregnant. You need to act now.

I’m childfree and life is bliss. Your boyfriend should be honest-is he childfree or one of those dreary men who pootle along, producing offspring and then whine about how shit their lives are for decades?
Either way, he doesn’t want a kid, which is fine and valid. He should get vasectomised and enjoy his life, you should start your new life if you want to Ben bringing a kid into this world.

@midshadow

Again, thank you, everyone, your examples have especially been very helpful and have voiced many of my concerns.

It looks like it's a matter of luck many times. The plan, atm, is to wait until my original deadline which is my 30th, and to not speak too much about this and just let him have another think for another few months until then.

Although, honestly, if he hasn't decided in the last 10 years I don't know how half a year could help.

And I might have another meltdown like the one I had recently and end this sooner but I think I will be strong enough to get out after my 30th as I really want a family.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz , I am on the pill and would never, ever have ''an accident''. I could live with myself if he decides 'OK' even if half-heartedly but I would never trick him. I would rather go to a sperm bank.

Does anyone have any experience with those?!

Hi, I'll share the experiences of people I have known - and in effect your options. 1 I know of two friends who admit to "accidental" pregnancies. 1 even tried emigrating to save the relationship longer term. It didn't work. The other ended up with twins and it put a huge strain on their marriage, but 7 years later(and a vasectomy later) they're in a better place.

2 wait and wait and maybe wait.... I know of a lady who was late 30s when she wanted to ttc but decided to wait.... She's now 46 and rather cruelly (imo) he finally agreed when she was early 40s with the caveat he'd never have fertility treatment. She's now perimenopausal and still childless, and desperately upset everytime af appears.
Of course, waiting could mean he changes his mind...

3 he goes along with your desire and is resentful. A friend did this and he followed with it due to the cultural pressures. She has 3 children, he has had more than that in affairs...
Of course he could go along with it and is happy ever after....

4 you leave and meet some, happy ever after...
You leave and never meet someone and then choose to accept or become a solo mother.... This latter option I know many who have happily become mothers by choice and do it alone....

Fwiw, I'm a lone mother and its the best route I could have ever taken.

Based on your update, leave now. You are flogging a dead horse. He does not want children.

Having children with a man who has tantrums is always a mistake.

Having children usually amplifies your worst character traits because of the stresses. A selfish man will be a nightmare.

Even worse is a man who is your soulmate so long as he gets all your attention and you aren't particularly demanding, which you can sometimes choose to ignore before babies but once a baby is your focus, my goodness these ones become utter twats, often even descending into abusive behaviour.

No point waiting any longer. Not even another day.
You're nearly 30 which isn't young enough to waste time. Leave, heal from the break up, hopefully then meet someone who does want the same things in life.
Best not to leave it any longer.

Also - I do sadly have a couple of friends who have been in 'we don't want kids' relationships, only to reach the late 30s.. breakup because the man jumps ship to a younger woman and hey ho.. baby on the way. But not for one of my friends. The other decided to go it alone age 43(donated sperm) luckily she's v happy now but was heartbroken a few years back.
Anyway good luck to you op. Don't lose sight of what is important to you.

I think I could have written all your posts @midshadow, such a similar situation to mine. I hope you are doing ok! I hope you don’t mind me bringing up this thread but if you’re willing to share any updates that would be amazing!

I was with someone a decade and when I got to 32 I just needed a baby. He said he wanted children with me but want to travel. He then listed off a dozen exotic locations he wanted us to visit first. I would have been a broke 40-something by the time we got through the list so I ended the relationship.

I wish I ended it years earlier. I loved him but resentment had already started to set in. I’m 37 now and TTC with my wonderful partner. Wished we met earlier but at least we’ll have marvellous life together & with our future offspring :)

I created this post two years ago. I couldn’t remember my original account details, but I wanted to make another one and let everyone have an update.

First of all, a big thank you to everyone for the wake-up call. I ended up leaving my ex a couple of weeks before my birthday that year.

After the breakup, we remained friends, at his insistence. He kept asking for more time. He said he is sorting out his life, and he feels confident that will change his view on parenthood. There wasn’t much to ‘sort out’. He did get a pay rise, but he was in a good financial situation already. Our friendship ended abruptly when I came across his online dating profile. I had been honest about trying to date, but he had not and kept trying to string me along.

In the last two years, I’ve met someone else who very much wants a family. We are trying to have a baby now.

In hindsight, I should have left my ex years before I did. Not because he wasn’t sure about having children, but because now I can see more clearly signs of his manipulation and the dishonesty that came with it.

I’m still in the 30-35 years bracket, and I’m very grateful for that and feel optimistic about starting my own family.

If anyone else is reading this because they are in a similar situation, please remember you are probably too emotionally invested and subjective. This is perhaps one of the rare moments when a stranger’s input is quite important.

Ultimately, I realised I should love myself at least as much (if not more) than I love him, and I had to take care of my needs and wishes too. I am much happier now :)

Friedbanana, I don’t know if you are still around these forums, but I’ve just posted an update. All is well :)

Oh, I forgot to say that I did end up taking another advice received here. I did undergo a check-up and some blood tests to check
my fertility for my peace of mind.

I remember reading this one at the time as it was similar to my situation- I'm so happy for you! Thank you for coming back to update