Partner doesn't want children

[midshadow]

Hi

I'm in my late 20's and my partner is in his early 30's. We have been together for almost 10 years. We have only started talking about children in the last two years or so, as we were either too young before or focused on our careers.

For the past two years, he has said he doesn't know if he wants children, that 'maybe' he will want some later on in life but that sometimes he feels like he will never be inclined to have kids.

I know I was naive but I kind of assumed he wants children and it came as quite a shock to me two years ago that actually he doesn't necessarily see this in his future.

Anyway, I feel like I am fast approaching my 30th birthday and don't have more time to give him to decide. I know it is possible to have kids in your 30's and even 40's but time/biology is not on my side.

Have you experienced something similar in the past? assuming your partner changed his mind, after how much time, is he a good father now?

Do you know anyone else who was in a similar situation? how did their situation end? did the relationship end or if not, is the individual who wanted kids resentful now?

What would you do and why? would you also see your approaching 30th as a good time to end this relationship or do you think as a woman you are still young enough at this age to hang around for a little while longer?

Any help/opinions would be greatly appreciated. I cannot imagine leaving him and I can't imagine not having children and I have no idea what to do. Thanks.

Coming at this from a slightly different angle, Dh and I always wanted children, that was the plan, except that I found out before we even started trying that I had endometriosis and was told at 28 that I was going to need IVF to conceive.

Don't assume your fertility. Just because other women get pregnant at 40+ doesn't mean you can wait necessarily. You could get tested now to see what your hormone levels are etc.

I was lucky and managed to conceive basically a miracle baby naturally. I had my first child at 29, but that was because we were pushed into making the decision. We planned the baby but assumed we would be trying for a year and then go down the IVF route as I was "on the right side of 30" said my gynae.

@TorkTorkBam

Yes! This happened to me - I was in a long term relationship from my last year at university. My younger sister got pregnant during that time and it made me think seriously about children myself. I’d always assumed I’d have them one day, but when I actually thought about it I realised I didn’t want them. In fact I think I have tocophobia.

My partner did want children, and also our relationship had drifted into amicable but fundamentally boring and a bit of a mother-son dynamic.

We broke up, even though it was a massive wrench and heartbreaking for both of us. However we’re both now married to other people - he’s got two kids and I’m happily childfree with a fellow non-breeder.

We’re still very good friends and have holidays all together sometimes.

It could have been so easy for us to have muddled along in that first serious relationship though, had I not been so sure about not wanting children. I dread to think how unhappy we’d probably be now.

@TorkTorkBam, my meltdown and subsequent ''let's do it now'' happened very recently, not more than 2 weeks ago.

We didn't discuss how many more months but he knows my deadline is my 30th. Not in a horrible 'impregnate me by then, or else' way but rather 'it's very unfortunate but I am getting 'old' and need to leave' type of way.

@EnidsCrochetCorner , that's such a good suggestion, maybe I should get tested now, just for my peace of mind or to know if something is wrong sooner rather than later.

Thanks to everyone who keeps sharing their opinions.

Raising a child is hard when both parties are super excited and have always dreamed of having kids.

Doing it with an unwilling partner who has only done it after an ultimatum seems like a really, really bad idea.

i.e. let's decide now

I would have a serious heart to heart with him.

If you 100% want kids and he doesn't you are best leaving him sooner.

My friend got together with her dh and was with him 10 years before they married as she said 100% she would not have kids and he really wanted to be a dad. She didn't want to tie them down in case he wanted to go and be a dad- she was completely open about never wanting children. They married- soon after they split as he wanted kids. He thought marriage would make her think differently. It didn't.

@backseatcookers , I know all this honest input is what I NEED to hear but I really feel doomed right now

It's crap when you see your life heading one way and his another.

Happened with 2 couples in our family. One broke up (after a 15 year relationship, met at uni, bought a house together, got to 33 and he 100% didn’t want kids) she left got with someone she worked with and had a child. They are still very happily married with a 17 year old. Oddly they are best friends with the ex and his new partner too, him and new partner didn’t have kids.

Another couple she really wanted children he didn’t. They have been together over 20 years, she’s now late 40s, he’s mid 50s. She stayed and they didn’t have kids. I don’t think she really got over it, if ever she has a few drinks at family gatherings she tends to get emotional over it all even now when the ships long sailed. She’d have been a great mother too. They do have a great life though.

I think the thing is you can’t make someone have kids if they don’t want them.

Dealbreaker.
I'd would quit while i'm ahead.

I wouldn't wait, sadly I think it's time for you to move on. I'm really sorry you're in this situation, it must be heart-breaking 😔 but it doesn't sound to me like he will change his mind.

At 30 years old and After 10 years of being together he should know if he wants children, if he wants children with you.

If he can't give you a straight answer, no more maybe in a few years, then I would take that as he doesn't want children with me but doesn't want to straight up tell me.

Take your future in to your own hands. Stop waiting on him. He may never know and every month pandering to his indecision is another month eating into your fertile years.

I'm sure you are very different people now as to when you met in your teens and may have different goals. This relationship has probably just run its course, with nothing terrible going wrong, just not enough to keep going.

I was with my ex from aged 24 to 31. We had a mortgage together and I had been very clear I wanted marriage and children. He was always reluctant but I stayed with him as I thought he would change his mind, he was great with his nephews etc. We had endless discussions and kept going around in circles. We ended it just before we both turned 31.

Best decision ever. I met my husband just over a year later and we have 2 children. Although no longer in touch I know my ex went on to get married but they have no children, clearly that was his choice.

I stayed with him partly out of fear and the uncertainty of getting back into the dating game. But that is no reason to stay with someone. Cut your losses and move on.

I’d leave. My ex fiancé left me when I was 30 and he was 39 on the basis he “didn’t want another child” (he already had 1 who he left thousands of miles away which should’ve been a bloody big alarm bell/red flag for me but I was besotted).

He’d actually been shagging someone else for months. Think she was about 40.

I’m now married to a fantastic guy with a 21 month old and another on the way (I’m 41 now). Heard on grapevine a couple of years ago that they’d been trying for kids and it hadn’t happened.

So i know you don’t want to hear it but a lot of the time it’s not they don’t want kids, they just don’t want them with you. I know that’s a horrible thing to hear and please don’t think that’s any reflection on you, it’s not.

If w child is fundamentally important to you then leave. It’s like couples who don’t have a similar outlook on the big things in life - doomed.

The dating game is scary. And it took me until 36 and kissing a lot of frogs to find my husband, but I did and I now have (almost) 2 wonderful kids. Please don’t settle or compromise in kids for someone else.

Good luck x

So sorry op. I was in a similar situation but different in that he wanted a family too but had an awful temper and every few months would be horribly verbally abusive out of nowhere. I loved him in every other way but knew he could not be father to my kids. Dumped him I was 28. Met dh the following year who is the best man I have ever met we married the following year had dd1 at 32 and dd2 at 34. All amazing. Every day I am relieved at my choices. Ending that relationship was the best decision of my life.

My DH didn't want children and it broke my heart. I was desperate to convince him and couldn't get my head around why he wouldn't (short sighted as obviously not everyone wants them).

After having many conversations which would descend into me crying, I asked him for his reasons (up until then he kept saying he just didn't want them). His reasons were worrying about money, worrying I would get ill & worrying he'd be a rubbish dad.

He eventually said he would but it wasn't the magical moment I'd imagined. I actually fell pregnant on the first time and he wasn't at all excited when I showed him the test. For the pregnancy, I felt like I couldn't talk about things and really kept a lot of information to myself.

Anyway, moving on I had an awful pregnancy and suffered with my mobility & chronic pain which has continued long after. I struggled with work (and have been made redundant twice now) so 2 boxes of my husbands worries have been ticked.

It's been an extremely testing time but we've stuck together. He's a fantastic dad and the bond is amazing to see. He's done a full 360 change and we are actually talking about another baby (first cycle of trying this month) and it's so strange but he's excited.

Ideally I'd have loved this excitement the first time but to be fair to him, a lot of his worries did come true (in a big style).

I think you need an open conversation where you make your thoughts clear (that you will need to leave). I know it's been 10 years but how much thought will he have given it? Women have biological urges that force them to confront this and when you want a child, the yearning becomes painful and you end up a bit blinkered. I should imagine many men don't experience this.

I would have left if I couldn't have had children but it would have been awful. There will be someone else for you but I think you need to have the conversation first - you never know what is holding him back.

Have you actually explained to your partner that the value you place on wanting a child is so important to yourself you would leave if you can’t make it work as he doesn’t want children?

What was his response OP?

I find in strange that you'd spend 10 years together before seriously considering the question of children. Sure, you were pretty young when you got together (late teens / early 20s?) but surely you discuss it once you're a few years into the relationship. Perhaps children didn't seem important to you until now?

"honestly, if he hasn't decided in the last 10 years I don't know how half a year could help."

I agree with this tbh and I think you should cut your losses now, I'm afraid. Why wait until your 30th birthday? Why waste any more time? If it's going to be a painful breakup I'd rather get it over with now and be in a better place to celebrate my birthday, rather than spend the next 6 months dreading turning 30!

This happened to a friend of mine, she got to 30 after a 10year relationship & realised he didn't want a child so she walked away from the relationship.
She now has a lovely 5 year old and a great partner!
She got to a point where she knew they wanted different things and had the courage to walk away.

I would rather go to a sperm bank

I don't personally have experience of this but friend of a friend did this at 40. She had been married and divorced before 30, never really clicked with anyone else. Decided she wanted to be a Mum without the problem of co-parenting, did sperm bank option, do not know if just sperm or IVF (I am not her friend and none of my business) and she had a baby. Very happy. I believe he is about 7 now.

My sister is married to a woman, they did the sperm bank thing so that both of them can be named on the birth certificate as parents. Underwent fertility testing for both of them, then just did sperm into womb. Success on second try. Obviously there are costs involved.

You need to take control of your own life op. If you are not prepared to sacrifice having children for him (you may be) then leave fast.

It’s more likely you will meet someone else than need a sperm bank

You really need to either leave him and have a child with a new partner, or resign yourself to childlessness. If you push your current partner into a child he doesn’t want, he will never let you forget it - you will be doing all the childcare and donkey work, while he sits back and says that was your choice, not his. If he stays around at all.
I think you should leave sooner rather than later. MN is full of sad threads from women in their 40’s, saying their partners kept fobbing them off with “maybe later” until it was too late for kids, then left them for a younger woman and had kids a year later.
Your partner either genuinely never wants kids but is too cowardly to tell you flat out, in case you walk, or he does want kids - but not with you.

I know tens of women that split up in late twenties or early thirties myself and one sister included and loads of other friends they pretty much all met new partners and now married with kids

This was my first marriage. Exh kept putting off and putting off any plans to children. He agreed when I was 30 he would “maybe consider it”. Lo and behold I hit 30 and he had a major breakdown. He had an affair and told me the stress of the prospect of having children overwhelmed him. We split up with a short period of reconciliation but it never worked out. We just both wanted different things. I thought my world had ended. I’ve now been married 15 years to someone else and we have 4 amazing kids. My exh and I are still in contact and get on well. He’s never settled down and never had children. Recently he apologised for not being open and honest at the outset.