The Hut of Gl/Doom Part V- for the unapologetically despondent

[duchesse]

The new hut. Ta-da!

This one is a snug little basement World War 2 type nightclub, with dim lighting, snug velvet sofas, red walls and certainly no politically correct smoking bans. Occasionally certain selected men may be admitted at our convenience.

Sit down, make yourselves at home, and never, ever apologise for feeling like shit. That's about it.

Thanks impatience - everything seems fine with the baby so that's the most important.

lissie - sorry for not getting back to you sooner. Got your CAT. Do you want the digital and the sticks? Please let me know and CAT me your address.

BTW, I have also found a few pregnancy tests if anyone would like those!

Yes, I bet you would happily feel ropey as all hell for this baby xx

blimey, its been quite here, must be the weather. need a massive rant.

week started well, started my new course and love it, feels nice to think about non-ftc things for a bit, then recieved letter from hospital about my negligience complaint. they insist that they were in no way negligient, everything was above board and the mw's/docs acted within standards expected. they only have admission record for 1 mc so IF i have had further losses they can only assume that they were early losses easily managed at home. they didnt explain how the GBS got into my uterus or how my bladder got cut (5cm wound) my bladder was apparently not misplaced, it got stuck to everything else instead.

my edd for my ep is on the 1st, my 16yo cousin has just had a baby boy, a friend is due next week. my mum bought my other cousin to meet me in the town centre to look for maternity clothes and my best friend is pregnant with her second child.

in the meantime i try to convince myself that having another baby isnt that important, ds will be fine without a brother or sister and im not just a rubbish womb on legs.

and breathe!

The nhs is crap isnt it!
I am going to open a big bottle of wine not decide what yet. I shall pour you a glass Lisse.

I get the impression a lot of us have slumped into apathy. I check regularly to see if anything's going on in the old hut, but haven't got anything worth saying really, or just can't be arsed.

Lissie, you've had a really rough time. It's a real shame that all they've got to go by is your records: I can completely see how someone looking at your records wouldn't see the whole impact and history of what's happened to you. Shame they don't have a copy of some of your threads on here! If you had a magic wand, what would you want to get from them? Would you settle for some acknowledgement of the unfortunate serious of incidences? An apology, even if it wasn't settled with any further action? Or are you after the fullblown free IVF treatment? It's really hard, having followed your story and your feelings through all this not to see you get more help, but I'm also realistic about the limits of the NHS, while feeling affection for both the NHS and you.

By the way, 'early losses easily managed at home' rather minimises it! Sounds like all you needed was a cup of tea and a crappy video... Poor you Lissie xxx

I chose the red. It is making everything numb around the edges.
Just what I wanted.
I should be sitting here complaining that my roast chicken gave me heartburn. I have 3 weeks left until edd. I am feeling the pressure of not being pregnant yet.

oh ronshar,

tbh impy, id be happy for an apology. they are saying that the reason ds was stuck in my pelvis was because he was back to back. so why not deal with that before putting me through 3d of labour? we knew how he was lying and that he'd tried and failed to engage twice from 35w.it just doesnt make sense. tbh i dont think ivf would be the right choice for us anyway. i have no probs getting pregnant, just staying that way.

Got your CAT lissie - will aim to mail the stuff out to you this week.

ronshar, Lissie, is all I can say x

Just popping in to sit in the corner and sulk.

I feel guilty about feeling so utterly fecked off when I read about lovely women, the likes of Lissie, who have been through such ordeals.

But today I just can't drag my sorry arse out of the doldrums.

I know that I can get refuge in here.

hi, im still here, not ttc or ftc buit im just so damned comfy. whats up?

Hey lissie - Hope you are ok. I am just cheesed off that cramps have started, so I know this cycle is out. And I am just fed up with trying and failing each month. Like I said, I feel bad, when in the presence of people who have really suffered. But today is just a bad day.

no such thing as worse, just different where ttc is concerned. i no longer use the ttc boards. sick of the bfps and realised that i am one of longest serving ftc-ers. not a nice title, so we are officially giving up. dh asked if we should sort some contraception out, i just said "why bother?" but dont want to mc again so its off to the docs with me i think!

how is everyone? all very quiet here

Hi, Lissie,
It is very quiet these days, isn't it. I read your news about giving up the ftc/ttc stuff. I guess if you do get well contracepted up it really does give you a break from all the watching and waiting so you can do some ordinary living. And I can certainly understand not wanting to risk another mc. I've just had a look at your profile (gorgeous little boy) and you've got years on me (where 40 is getting to be a scarily real prospect). If you ever did want to give it another go in the next ten years, science may have moved on a bit.
Do you feel relieved at your decision or undecided?

i actually feel a bit sad and as tho i have let my lost babies down by giving up. but in my heart i know ive made the right decision. how are you doing?

I'm feeling a bit sad too right now. Like most people, I was hoping to get pregnant again straight after m/c and that hasn't happened so now I'm back to wondering if it ever will. I'm okay, but it feels like I'm really back to square one. When we started to ttc no. 2 I was 36, now I'm 38 and it just feels like it's only going to get less likely to happen with each passing month rather than 'oh, it's bound to happen eventually'. Ho hum, guess the hut is still the right place for me.
I also really don't want my last pregancy to have ended in a miscarriage.

Hi girls. I'm slowly slipping out of here, as my emotional investment in FTC is dying. I'm looking into adoption, although I'm trying to change my career so that won't be viewed very positively. I don't know what will happen with us, but I just keep trying to focus on ds and the amazing intensity of our little triangle of relationships.

Lissie, I hope your stopping helps you to get your life back. It's been a tough time, and it makes a lot of sense to stop. But I know it's hard, so I hope you continue being ok.

Eclipse, sorry you're feeling low (or were on Monday!) I hope you feel better soon. x

impy, i really hope that it works out for you. what type of career move?

eclipse, how are you today?

well on monday my ep bean would have been due and everyone seems to have forgotten. i know life goes on etc but cant believe that noone else seems to have remembered.

My edd was today I have had a crappy day. DD was up at 4.45 and refused to go back to bed so felt exhausted all day and then had to take her to a birthday party where one of the other mums was hugely pregnant. I could hardly bear to look at her.

Hi, Lissie and Impatience,
Feeling much more cheerful again, thanks. It just comes and goes, as I'm sure you know.

Lissie, I haven't been there but I personally would have found an ep much harder to get over than an early miscarriage. I don't think my embryo was ever really okay so I don't feel I lost a baby. I would feel very differently about an ep which might have been a potentially fine baby. I'm so sorry no one else seems to be aware why this time is so important to you.

Impatience, don't fade out yet. Surely adding to your family through adoption can be carried on this thread? You might be the only success story for ages.

sybilvimes, sorry for your sad day. I have found myself avoiding a particular pregnant friend (her second easy conception, she giggled to me) because she won't stop moaning about being pregnant. You're in good company here.

Imp- me too. That's why I'm kind of scarce here now. I'm stopping at the end of this cycle anyway- it'll be a nice round 50 cycles ftc (plus three actually pregnant, but I'm lying to myself about those), and that is enough. I'm starting not to be too bothered any more. I wish I could be here more to support others, but don't want to be in limbo. When my head's straighter about it, and the decision is made properly, I'll be around more, spouting nonsense.

Edds are not nice, sybil, lissie. And generally we're the only ones who remember them at all. Menfolk don't seem too bothered.

does everyone else find themselves surrounded by that bloody kerry katona "oh no im pg" headline everywhere they go? i want to scream, "you ungrateful b*tch, if you dont want to get pg, dont have sex" at it. got massively drunk last night and sobbed for 2h about my baby, sorry you are going thru this too sybil. im just sick of all these EDD's coming around now, we have been ttc for 2y now (exactly) and duchesse, i dont know how you've managed this far. eclipse youre right tho. my mc's are easier to cope with because there would have been something wrong, with my ep the little bean held on through 2 big bleeds and even had a heartbeat before my tube ruined it all by rupturing. i know that my baby had to die so ds could have his mummy, but why? why did it have to be one or the other? doing this course in holistics has got me wondering if it happened because i had a swedish massage the day before i found out i was pg. if that somehow stopped nubbin getting to the right place. i feel so guilty. my baby should either be here or getting ready to come, all safe and warm. instead he/she is all alone. didnt even have a chance.

sorry, v maudlin selfish post

Lissielou. I am thinking of you today. My little bean was due at the end of this week so I know where you are in this horrible nightmare.
I dont want to upset you at all but have you thought about Fostering? You sound like such an amazing woman and there are so many children out there who need love and security. Please dont take it the wrong way as I know it isnt for everyone.
i am raising a glass to Lissielou.

Lissie, just wanted to wish you whatever it is you need on your edd xx