TTC after pregnancy loss thread 31 - baby penguins are coming!

[strawberrye]

🐧 🐧 🐧 🐧 🐧 🐧 🐧 🐧 🐧 🐧 🐧 🐧 🐧

Welcome to the 🐧 huddle. This is a wonderful supportive group for anyone TTC after the loss of a pregnancy or baby. Together we can get through he rollercoaster of TTC and get our baby penguins xx

@Lilimum7 are you okay

Just seen your post

If it's what I think it is THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU x

Hi ladies I hope you don’t mind me popping in, I was here for a time last year and was fortunate enough to have my rainbow in March.

I’ve just been having a sort out and have come across 60 odd one step ovulation tests that expire in October and a few pregnancy tests that are good until some time in 2020 might also have some conception vitamins lurking about but would need to check the date on those. Annoyingly the unopened preseed is out of date but obviously the applicators are unused if they’re of any use to anyone.

I don’t want anything in return, I hate just throwing things away when someone else could use it and it would be lovely to help some of you on your journey to your rainbow so if anyone wants anything just drop me a message with your address.

Good luck penguins! Xx

So sorry @Lilimum7 thinking of you xxx

Hope you’re ok @Lilimum7

Thanks kind of you @MisBit1 I’m sure someone would be grateful for them

Yet another name change was lilimum7

Thanks for your kind words, I'm not in a good place now so I'm going to go eat chocolate and binge watch greys anatomy.

Thinking of your @Mumlili8 so sorry to see your update x

I’m exhausted after 2 days at work and a little bit bummed that we didn’t manage any baby making this cycle (think it’s too late now) especially after CP last month but hey ho. It’s the weekend and the sun is out... ☀️

@Mumlili8 so sorry for your update. I’ve been on this journey for a since March 2018 and you’ve been here. My heart goes out to you. No words just a virtual hand hold

@ReeReeR oh I’m so glad your DH came through for you. I hated the thought of you being on your own after such a rubbish day.

I think using your holidays to do four days a week is a really good plan. Eases you back into the way of things a wee bit more gently, as does having the option to work from home. It sounds like your work are supportive which is great.

It’s the thought of conversations like you describe in scenario 2 which is stressing me out. I work in the civil service in a large government building, with many different departments and offices and deal with a wide variety of folk. There are about 50 staff in my office. Everyone in my office knew I was pregnant. I was very big given how far along I was (I now know due to polyhydramnios- a sign in itself something was wrong) They’ve all been told that I got bad news at my scan and I lost the baby. Only a few that I am closer to know the exact circumstances under which I lost her. I’m worried about what to say if someone just comes out and asks what happened or just wrongly assumes that there was no heartbeat at the scan or I naturally misscarried. On one hand, I’m not ashamed of having had a TFMR. I did what I felt was best for my daughter and to be honest, it didn’t really feel like I had much choice anyway.
I feel like it’s a taboo that should be broken and spoken about. On the other hand, you just never know who is a staunch pro-lifer and I don’t fancy getting into a heated discussion with a colleague when I’m feeling vulnerable.

It’s the folk who I see about the building, who I come into contact with but don’t work with directly and don’t know too well that I’m most worried about. The ones who could see I was obviously pregnant and will realise they haven’t seen me around in a while and that I’m not pregnant anymore. They might put 2 and 2 together and assume all’s well, that I’ve had the baby and now I’m back. Maybe I’m overthinking, and nobody will say anything 🤷🏻‍♀️

My managers and the few colleagues to whom I’ve told the truth have all been brilliant. So kind and supportive. My colleagues in the wider office have been lovely too. I’ve had flowers, cards, messages etc and it really has been such a comfort to me. I know that makes it seem like I’m maybe worrying unnecessarily but I suppose it boils down to the fact that when folk hear you’ve lost your baby they will naturally feel every sympathy for you. Tell them you’ve had a termination and I suspect the reaction may be very different.

I’m so glad that you have found going back to be a positive thing and that on the whole everyone was lovely. You’ve had to deal with so much- as have so many others here too. Your positivity and fortitude are amazing xx

Bloody hell I didn't realise that was so long!! Please don't anyone feel the need to respond. I think I just started thinking out loud and kept going...and going 😳

@Mumlili8 I'm so, so sorry to see your update. Eight losses is just beyond cruel. Please don't think you're doing anything wrong. I'm thinking of you and sending you lots of love xxx

Sorry to read your update @Mumlili8. Thinking of you x

@MisBit1 that's really lovely of you - ov kit doesn't really work for me due to screwy cycles but I'm sure it will be helpful for someone. Congratulations on your rainbow xx

@ReeReeR sorry you've had a rough week. Well done for getting through the first couple of days at work, hope you can relax in the sun this weekend! I'm with you on the frustration this cycle I think, unless ovulation was uncharacteristically early I think we've missed the window, mainly because DH has refused to do his bit on the basis of being tired. V annoyed with him but trying not to be, I know he can't be in the mood on demand and he's been working really hard (but ARGH nonetheless).

@Russkispy sorry this is dragging on for you, hope your next test shows a good drop. But v exciting re the donor! Is the plan to freeze until you're good to go?

@TubbyMcFatfuck I think it’s difficult. I was asked if I wanted people to be told and then they said they’d sort of let the news spread naturally rather than send an email. You could say you want people to be told or not to talk about it. I didn’t want to be formulaic and ask people not to mention it as I want to be able to talk to people but it’s difficult if they misjudge (eg asking about the cause) or catch you on a bad day. I didn’t think TFMR is any different to what happened to us in terms of how people would react. My office is probably similar to yours. About 90 people spread across three floors. We still have a family firm feel though and I would have thought news had spread. The manager of the guy who asked me if baby was ok was at our baby’s funeral so I just thought he’d know. I went off on maternity leave two weeks before baby was due so there was no not knowing I was pregnant. I’m still worried about going for lunch in my usual places and calling clients who might not know but I think it’s par for the course. I had hoped everyone in the office knew as I just found it a bit awkward and didn’t know what to say. It’s an open plan office so I feel like everyone would have heard and been listening and he would have felt bad. I might go talk to him next week.

I think a phased return is a good idea. I thought I’d be fine but I am much more tired than I thought I’d be.

PS my message was long too! Feel free to PM me if you want to discuss return to work etc without is taking up half the thread 😬

@Noisysparrows It is so frustrating isn’t it. If it’s just one cycle I can handle it and maybe I’ll have a few drinks this weekend

On another note can you tell me if I’ve been a dick please? 😬 I have a friend who came to baby’s funeral six months ago but hasn’t been in touch since. I texted her about ten weeks ago to ask how they are and in her first text back she said she’s pregnant. I asked how she is, how far along etc (despite being upset that she’d told me that in her first text since our baby’s funeral) and we exchanged a couple of texts but I didn’t get a reply to the last one. I thought after that she’d be in touch. She hasn’t (been nearly 3 months) So last night I texted her saying that I don’t think we can be friends any more as she hasn’t been there at all. I was annoyed then but she still hasnt been in touch at all even after I texted her. I worry I was a bit harsh but it has been bothering me for months and I think I needed to say something. I don’t believe in “ghosting”. DH would be mortified

Sorry to hear of your loss @Mumlili8

@ReeReeR I can't believe people would ask such intrusive questions- how dare they?

Has anyone seen this before:

www.nhs.uk/news/pregnancy-and-child/fertility-clue-for-recurring-miscarriage/

Negative pregnancy test for me today so back on the bus. Is there any risk to TTC before your first period?

@Noisysparrows next month donor eggs will be fertilised with DH's sperm and see how many will survive to day 5 blastocyst. Then 1 best quality embryo will be selected and PGS tested, for genetics, despite the donor being a very young woman, my doc still wants to test to avoid anything untoward given that I had 2 back to back miscarriages recently. So transfer will be in October and I'll still need to do preparations for that.

@ReeReeR sounds like you have had a really tough few days. I really think you should be proud of yourself how brave you have been and do something nice this weekend for you! X

@Pegase I have seen the article before and felt it might apply to me as I was falling pregnant every go. This is part of the reason I went to the Coventry clinic with endometrial biopsy for uNK cells is part of the treatment plan. I think there has been further research after this article that wasn't conclusive the scratch worked. Worth a google if you are interested.
I think as long as you have a negative test carry on. They just might be cautious about your dates if you fall straight away. Baby dust x

@Pegase no reason not to crack on - good luck!

@ReeReeR I honestly don't think you're being unreasonable, I know people who haven't been through loss can be insensitive but it seems downright cruel to leap straight in with a pregnancy announcement and then basically ignore you. I guess the ball's in her court and if she can't even be bothered to respond to your latest text there's your answer.

@Russkispy fingers crossed for a good haul for you and your donor.

Thanks @fnej01 and @Noisysparrows She has replied saying thanks for telling her how I feel and that basically she did what she thought was right in terms of her news and thought I’d prefer space. I understand people don’t know what to say but I don’t see why anyone would think it appropriate to say “by the way we’re expecting” not their first text me after the funeral (and only after I texted them) and then to not contact me after that is strange. I had reached out that time so why would she not think to do so after that? I’m in two minds as to whether I’ve vern harsh or whether she is completely insensitive. I think more of her for replying as I thought she’d ignore it to be honest. I had even put a thing on Facebook recently to remember my baby as it had been 6 months. I hardly ever do facebook but they didn’t even message then to say how are you doing. It’s weird!

I plan to go to yoga shortly then DH and I are going shopping 😊

How are you feeling about evening @Russkispy Sorry i think I missed your update

@Pegase This woman in particular is v chatty. She’s a v friendly / bubbly woman in her 60s and very nice but she is indiscreet. When I was having my baby we didn’t tell anyone the sex although we knew. One day she saw something I had bought which I think was unisex (grey jacket) but she thought was for a boy so called across the office “it’s a boy!” I said many times we are not telling but that didn’t stop her repeating it. I just thought even if you did know why would you keep saying it loudly when you know we’re trying to keep it secret?! We had a girl of course.

At some point I might decide to tell people what happened but this was in the lift up to our floor on my first day back - she didn’t give it long!!

BTW also meant to mention I went to gp the other day about something unrelated to TTC but she knew of stillbirth and mc so asked if I’ve been prescribed high does folic acid. I said no as no one has mention so she prescribed it to me. She said extra FA just leaves the body so wouldn’t harm. I thought that was good of her. I plan to read up the the benefits of higher dose.

@Mumlili8 I'm so sorry to read your update! Words are failing me and I want to help you so much! But don't know how?! Scoop you up and take to my fertility doc, to undergo every single test on earth. And even then I'll demand more tests to see why it keeps happening to you! So sorry you're going through this 
@Pegase equally sorry about your update 
@ReeReeR that's ok. Waiting to hear when our donor starts IVF stims, hopefully some time next week

Thanks for your lovely word ladies. My temp dropped down to 36.32 today from 36.66. So the horrible part starts today. But I can say my bean lived for 18 days which is a full 24 hours longer than the last one. Tests are negative now so shouldn't be too long now. I've an appointment booked with GP and I'm going to ask for referral to gynaecology for test for inter uterine scaring. My period has not been the same since my last erpc (d&c) and I've not had a pregnancy make it to 5 weeks since. Dr Google suggested Ashermans (probably spelt wrong) syndrome. But it could just be that my eggs are raisins and low quality and old. I've already been told my AMH results would not make me a candidate for ivf even if I could persuade DH (Catholic). So it's keep trying. But I've decided that I'm never testing early and when I do it'll be because I'm over a week late for AF then I'll never know of anymore losses. I will just not be getting pregnant. I'm not sure which is worse yet.

I had that plan too @Mumlili8 - to not test until quite late but the problem I found is that I know I'm pregnant anyway as 1) I am quite regular and 2) my boobs ache almost immediately which I never normally get. So I would know anyway l

Hi ladies,
Poas (cbd) this morning but bfn as expected - only 8dpo. I started taking low dose aspirin a few days ago. I've had 3 people mention it to me and I take that as a wee sign so will see what happens..
All of you are so strong in this group 💕

@Mumlili8 at RMC they were very clear for me to not test early, and also told me to step away from the FRER, as it is normal to have a level of 'attrition' and that actually it was my body doing the right thing. I was a bit upset at the time as it felt a bit brutal. It's really hard not to test. My three main mc were a bit later but I did have some similar losses to what you experienced. I would really encourage you to think about getting some NK tests. Look after yourself x