The July 19ers - STILL never beaten, and rocking our FJs for a lucky thread

[Frazzlerock]

Here it is! Our lucky one 🤞

@rather why thank you! No one wants a dysfunctional flange

@Frazzle just snorted tea up my nose laughing at that....

Ah thanks ladies!! That’s really nice of you!!
I wouldn’t change it for the world, they are 9 and 5. Don’t get me wrong it was a big change a year ago going from 2 days a week to (as it was then) they lived with us permanently and saw mum once a week for dinner (supervised!) but everyone is really settled now. I still get a twinge if resentment on mothers days and things that they do at school that’s ‘mum and dad’ (it’s a catholic school and pathetically old fashioned!!) and I think ‘who’s the mug you see dropping them and picking them up everyday , yet you don’t think I might deserve a mention??
But anyway... I love them to bits and I don’t understand stepparents who don’t embrace their stepkids like this! My best friend is so odd, her stepdaughter has to sleep in their guest room living out of a hold-all as she refuses to redecorate it ‘and lose her guest room’ for every other weekend... I think that’s incredibly selfish!! The boys room here is a fortnite (videogame) den with bunk beds, toys, wardrobes.... as it would be if they were biologically mine! X

@Tigsy Stepparents are AMAZING! and they definitely do not get enough recognition.
DP is the same as you and has embraced the boys as his own. He's an excellent role model to the boys and I can see the changes in them in the last 3.5 years he's been with us. Hats off to both of you!

@tigsyboo you sound like a legendary stepmum to me! I don't understand how any parent can put anything ahead of their kids (I put work in that category, let alone another partner?!) it just drives me crazy. Thank goodness for you, redressing the balance

@Frazzlerock and @Rose68 your conversation is really interesting (sorry that sounds a bit creepy and voyeurish, but I was just catching up on the thread!). I don't know exactly how this is possible, but I think it's really important to try and identify things other than babies that make us happy, and if you can't, to try and fix that (like you said Rose). I fall into exactly the same category here so I'm not preaching. It's easy to feel like the baby thing is the magic bullet for happiness, and sure it's a total emotional rollercoaster. But in reality, if you feel so unhappy when not pregnant/with a baby there is likely to be a reason why, and it's not just about kids. I have been trying q hard to make the rest of my life healthier and happier (better diet, less alcohol, more connection with DH, making plans for the future - all with varying success!) and it somehow alleviates the total obsession with ttc. It takes the pressure off just a tiny bit, because I can tell myself that there is still good stuff going on in other areas of life too

@Frazzlerock my DH saw me at my absolute low of PND and sleep deprivation with DS. I had a total meltdown one time, screaming and yelling at him in my pyjamas, massive snot rope hanging down from my face (🤭) because he was so weak and unsupportive while I struggled with my hideously sleepless baby. I honestly still carry some resentment over that first year, but my real point is that he said at the time that he would never have another baby with me because "clearly I couldn't cope". When I look back at that moment, if I can shelve my anger a little bit, I can see from his point of view that he must have thought he'd made a terrible mistake and was probably a bit frightened about what was going on. Just so you know. You're not alone xx

awww thanks @Betty.

Re wanting another baby to fill some void of happiness. I can understand that to a certain extent. For me though, I was perfectly happy and having a wonderful time, then I met DP and my life got even better and I couldn't be happier. Then, 6 months later, we discovered we were expecting Emily which shocked both of us. Me because of my PCOS issues and real struggles to conceive not to mention never expecting any more children (mainly because of the struggle to conceive and not being able to put myself through that again), and DP because he never wanted his own children.
So, life was awesome, then this baby seed was planted in my head and since we lost Emily I simply cannot cope without holding a baby. I think it is just something that eats you up after you've lost one.
It frustrates me as things were so good before this happened and I feel like Emily happened for a reason. I never wanted more children and DP definitely didn't.
I just can't accept that we lost our first baby and we had all these plans and then our amazing new world gets snatched away from us, then again, and then again, then tough shit. Now carry on with your life (I'm not saying you said that btw). I changed as a person quite dramatically when we lost our first. I just don't think I can get on with my life now, you know?

@Betty (and @Frazzle) I agree, I do think it’s important to focus on other things. My life has always had a focus... school, university, accountancy exams, buying a house, getting married, having children. What comes next after children? Old age? Loneliness? Whilst I agree I am a way off that stage yet, I see it looming in the distance and it scares the shit out of me. I think I do need to find things now that will give me a sense of purpose again, but where do I start? Probably by getting a job, but then I wouldn’t be able to spend time with my boys during the school holidays, and I can’t see me compromising on that one. In theory I can still focus on ttc whilst doing other things...

@Frazzle I don’t think you should have that conversation with DP, I wouldn’t have it with DH, it’s too much pressure and it’s only 50/50 that DH would say he wants to carry on... so I’m just taking it month by month. Like you, I think he only agreed to do this because he could see the effect that not trying was having on me.

I don’t know why I keep getting stars round ‘@Frazzle’ 😆

It did it again, I’m not typing them! Honestly!

haha, I've no idea @Rose!

Re getting a job, you;d have top find something you love or you'll end up in a boring as hell job wishing you were at home, which is what I do.
Days a VERY slow and I have pretty much nothing to do, it is quite soul destroying. I am only here as they pay me more than anywhere else would for the same level. But all I can think about is how much there is to do at home. We need the money though. If we weren't mortgaged to the hilt I'd be a stay at home mum I think and get myself a hobby.

Ahhhhhh why am I torturing myself by constantly commenting on and looking at an Instagram friend's posts! She has the due date of my MC can't stop comparing though.

@Frazzlerock as soon as you mention wedding everything shoots up in price. They're so expensive. Ours was almost 6 years ago and I remember how much everything cost (and all the other stuff that went with it with people somehow thinking your wedding had to revolve around them!). Just remind yourself what is important about the day and that no matter how much you spend it will still be really special and a happy day.

I'm finding the conversation about purpose and happiness and focus on being pregnant/having a baby really interesting @Rose68 @Bettyswoll0cks. Was just having that discusion this morning that all the tick list stuff I wanted to have achieved by this stage in life is done - degree, professional qualification, house, car, husband, decent paying job, travel lots etc ......... the one massive thing missing is a family, as in children. We don't have a single child. I was saying that I have no motivation or interest in anything apart from having a baby. Don't want promotion or a new house or car or more qualifications. I just want a family. I keep asking what is my purpose in life? what is the point of me? What am i doing? Very little seems important or worthwhile. Strange how I feel so much more strongly like this since the first mc last year over how I felt in the 5 years TTC even those days were hard dealing with unexplained infertility. I'm trying to work out what I will be and do and how things with DH will be of we cannot have a baby to bring home and raise a family. How do you all work out what your focus and direction on life will be?

@InDreamland I am so sorry you were ttc for 5 years, that is unbelievably shit. How old are you if you don’t mind me asking? Have you had any fertility treatment? Sorry for all the questions xxx

The one big thing I haven’t done is travel, I have done some, but not anywhere near enough.

@Dreamland I think TTC after MC is more intense because you have actually had that promise of a baby then had it taken away. I have definitely struggled more emotionally with TTC post MC, than when I was TTC my boys - I only tried for 2.5 years for DS1 and 11 months for DS2 and it was awful, but it didn't feel quite as primal as it has done since the MCs

@Rose I haven't done enough travelling either but it's just so expensive to go anywhere so I have accepted that I probably won't see much more of the world and I'm okay with that. Maybe after a lottery win I might reconsider! If you can afford it, then deffo think about it!

@InDreamland I agree- it is much worse after mc. I was relatively relaxed about the whole thing prior but now it feels like an obsession. As if you could get that same lost baby back I suppose.

@Rose68 I'm 38 (for 2 more months). Not had any fertility treatment so the first pregnancy last year was a (pleasant) surprise as is almost given up hope of ever concieving. We were surprised that I managed to fall pregnant for a second time naturally too only 4 months after the mc.

@Frazzlerock it's just shit isn't it. You're so right about having that baby so close, making plans, having dreams etc then having or snatched away.

If you can travel then do it. Whilst we pay for most of our trips away we've also done a few on points collected through credit card spend .......... flying in premium cabins for a fraction of the price of a regular economy ticket and stayed in hotels for free too. A little hobby of mine.

@Frazzle, the trouble with travelling is its quite hard and expensive to do with kids in tow. We will travel more when we are older I expect, it’s not really something for now. x

@Pegase I'm glad in a way I'm not alone, just sad though that so many of us are going through this. I want both my babies back so badly.

Hi ladies
Just letting you all know that amazon has preseed lube on offer for £10.19 xx

Hi all. Gosh, lots to catch up on after my busy day. I have to say, I am getting pretty exhausted now. Last night I finished at 8pm. Today I left at 5pm which felt so early but I had been there since 7am! But then I went to acupuncture, got home by 7pm and then have been working since and it's 9.40pm now..........urrgghhhhhh

@Frazzlerock - I know you have had loads of great comments today but I am just adding to them. After my wobble on Sunday with my birthday I know how it can all just get too much some days on this journey and sometimes we will just be getting on with it and other days we will just feel like crap, as this whole situation is just crap. The only good part of it is that we have this thread and sometimes after a long day it just cracks me up or makes me smile, or just makes me know someone else feels like me. Having 2 children already has nothing to do with it. I totally get what you have been saying about meeting your DP and then having that taste of what life could be like if you two were to have a child. It's not any different to wanting have a child at any time. I hope you are feeling a bit better now.

@Rose68, I also read what you have written about a purpose and found it really interesting. I used to love my job (like I have written an essay on before!) and now I don't. In fact I am pretty apathetic to it these days. It keeps me very busy and is pretty challenging but that doesn't mean I enjoy it. If you don't have to, I wouldn't want to take on a job that you will end up hating. My Mum got into volunteering massively after she had us, and ended up working in paid jobs in charities. She is now retired but is involved in all kinds of community projects where she lives. Maybe there is something you can get involved in which could give you more of a purpose that you can hopefully combine with a new DC as I hope this journey will end with a pregnancy for you.

I have been really lucky with how much I have travelled. After university I went on a project/trip to Belize for 3 months and it was incredible. It made me want to make a difference and when I got back I applied to be a teacher and deferred my place doing the PGCE for a year and then I got a job in a factory for 9 months and saved up loads of money and went around the world with a friend. We went to Singapore, Australia, New Zealand, Fiji and then back to the UK. So I took a year out and managed all that from June to the following October. I think that gave me the bug. I did my PGCE and then got a job in a school for a few years in the UK until I saw a job advertised in another country. (I am sure no-one I know reads this, but I am loathe to write where I went as it is quite niche and it would tell anyone who I am!). Anyway, I was young and single so I had the interview, finished up in the UK, hopped on an 8 hour flight and started my first teaching job in another country. When I was there I met my husband (who is also British) and then together we moved to another country and then ended up in Dubai.

Wow - that's quite a life story - apologies. But that has been a big part of my life and actually was a big focus for so long that stopped us from having children and TTC as we were so focused on going places and the next holiday and the next place to go. Looking back I am so pleased I did the things I did, but I also wish we had just got on with TTC 7 years ago when we first moved to Dubai rather than putting it off as there were lots of places we wanted to visit.

@tigsyboo - that's a great price. I actually just bought some from an online store here last week and it arrived today! I am excited to give it a go as never used before.........

@indreamland - welcome back. I'm sorry you're having such a rubbish time x

@tigsyboo - what an amazing stepmother you are x

@rose
My email [email protected] if you want to email me ur address and I’ll post you the pregnacare out x

@edidxb wow you've travelled a lot. Amazing that you worked in so many places. I now get your user name I hope you don't regret too much the choices to hold off TTC as those decisions were right for you both at the time I'm sure.

Wow I've missed a lot!

InDreamland yes, I'd have been 16 weeks at CNY as well and was really looking forward to telling everyone then. We're missing out on one family reunion this year which I'm quite pleased about (though that's the side that probably wouldn't ask about kids - now we just need to figure out how to skip the other!). I want my baby back too, it was going to be my little piglet.

I'm pretty happy and fulfilled with my life (although I do hate some aspects of my job). Not having kids though, the thought of that is too awful to contemplate. I don't know what I'd do. I realised today that I'll now be 29 at the youngest I could possibly have a child which I know is still young but we started trying when I was 27 and I just thought 28 would be the age I became a mother.

My first period after erpc has been really weird. I had two days of spotting and then one day of really clotty dark bleeding (sorry for the tmi) and now it's just stopped completely. I don't know what's going on but it doesn't seem normal. I think I'll see what happens next cycle (AF due 8th or 9th Feb - just at the start of our ski holiday) and go back to my Dr if its still not normal.

Shout out to step-parents! It's such a difficult and thankless and often demonised role to play so kudos to those who step up to it