The July 19ers - STILL never beaten, and rocking our FJs for a lucky thread

[Frazzlerock]

Here it is! Our lucky one 🤞

Morning all
@rather yes it’s embarrassing all round, although my colleagues think it’s hilarious and we’re reminding me to buy some fruit for the fruit bowl and check there is milk and cereal (standard social worker checks)! Tbf he’s not too bad (I’m not a social worker fan.... police are much less fluffy and I’d rather someone talk straight!!) but it’s still irritating asking me to rank our happy home life on a scale of 1-10!! Yes mate... erm I think I’ll go 10 thanks because I can’t really say “about a 3 at the min because DH is being a knob, I’ve just lost a baby, and I swear to got if I tread on another piece of a Lego model I’m gonna launch that shit straight through the f**king window!!” ..... 🤔.... no I stuck with “oh it’s definitely a 10 here, we are all so happy living as a family at last!” 😂😂😂😂

And pegase..... yey for peak
Mines been high all cycle and now day 22 and temps suggest I’m out the window now.... read that once you are 3 days past peak / Ov you can reuse old sticks as readings don’t matter then anyway.... got 2 left so will be saving them and reusing till Af (which I’m convinced is the only outcome this month) x

I took a test as i was leaving for work (so 3rd morning pee) and it is clearly a BFP, so so so much better than past couple days with FMU! I am so confused. GP has no appointments left for today so won't be able to discuss whats happening. Spotting stopped too at least. Also chucked my guts up this morning at the smell of tea so taking that as a good sign.

Morning all.

I'm having a shit time right now. I think this AF has hit me hard but I'm sure it;s because of AF hormones. Still, I just feel miserable. For some reason I still have my 16 week midwife appointment in the calendar and I noticed yesterday it is still in our team calendar at work. I don't know why I was confident enough to write it down.
It's now been almost exactly 3 years since we said goodbye to our first little one together, and I can't quite comprehend how I'm still here, 3 babies down, 3 years later, and not holding our beautiful baby.
I feel like all anyone ever talks about at work or in DP's family are babies and I want to scream at them all to Shut The Fuck Up!
I thought I'd convinced myself that I'm not angry at DP for the 2.5 years of hell I went through while he refused to try again (ever), but I can't help but wonder why someone would put another human being through that. I think about all the times I wanted to end my life despite knowing it would fuck up my boys lives. I mean, what if I actually went through with something?
And now I worry that DP will change his mind again and I will be back there. When I told him I'd started my period he did a sad face but I know that sad face is for me and I don't think it affects him at all that I am not pregnant.
I'm tired of this desperation now, I'm tired of seeing so many people around me just have babies like it is human nature - oh wait, it is.
I live in fear of the next preg announcement that, once again, won't be mine. and it will most likely be someone who has had one already in the past 3 years of my hell.

I feel shit as I know some of you do not have any children yet, and I can't explain my way out of why I feel like this and yes, as people around me, tell me I should be grateful for what I have.
All I can say is I am eternally grateful for my beautiful boys, they are my entire world (and probably the reason I am still here) but when you finally meet the person you want to spend the rest of your life with after a shitty 10 years with someone you didn't, and then by some miracle you are expecting a baby for it to be cruelly snatched away three times you just feel so completely empty.

This is my first AF since we lost our little boy and I just feel so so shit. I had so much hope for that cycle. We BD'd at the right time and we have never had so much sex that entire cycle. For anyone else, that would have resulted in a baby, but not me.
I have so many worries, PCOS being shit again, DP changing his mind, DP not 'putting out' when the time comes around again this cycle, not ovulating, releasing another shit egg, results from our blood tests coming back as incompatible or some such bollocks.
I honestly don't know what I would do if I never get to hold my rainbow baby.

fuck I'm a misery today.

oh Frazzle my heart breaks for you. And I totally understand that odd feeling to some extent about having to justify wanting another baby so bad when you already have children. I really hope your PCOS is gonna stay better for you now and that you will get there. DP won't change is mind will he, do you have a niggle that he might?

@Tigsy I am taking pregacare conception, so I would take them off you, but I’m also very happy for someone else to do so as they might actually have more chance than me.

@Ratherbe If I get a bfn with a frer at 10dpo I would count myself out. I know you can get bfp’s at 8 and 9dpo but I wouldn’t count myself out with a bfn that early. I have noticed with frers that I can sometimes see the line where the second line should be if it was there (if that makes sense). It looks grey in colour, if it’s a bfp there is always a hint of colour to the line x

I am just off for a very short run, I will be back with more soon x

Thanks everyone, I got a BFP at 13dpo at 2.30pm last time round and didn't test at all before then as genuinely did not think I was pg, so have no real idea how soon I'd be able to get one.
I might just wait and see what AF does.

@Twittle that's so exciting!!

@Frazzle your post is heartbreaking. I firmly believe your little rainbow will get here eventually. Bad luck comes in three's... it cannot possibly happen again. You know you can carry to full term, it's happened twice before. I am positive it will happen again for you. Your DH seems like he is on board - you've BD'd loads - hopefully that will stick as a habit and you'll conceive next month. Every single one of us has had a shit cycle after the mc. It happens. Your body has to recover after what it's been through. I am so confident that next month is your month xxxx

I always have a niggle he might @Twittle. He did it before, when I never thought he would. He could do it again and it scares the living shit out of me. He watched me while I was at my worst, yet he still didn't change his mind. Not that I was doing anything for effect, but if you see the person you love at their lowest possible point, knowing full well you have control over that... I think I would probably want to do everything I could to get them better again, even if that meant agreeing to a baby.
After all that, as I started to pull myself out of that hole on my own, he agreed to TTC again. I just never know what he's going to do.

@Pegase @Kinsters @ratherbeshowjumping thank you.

@Kinsters we celebrate CNY too. This was going to be our first with a baby then when I found out I was pregnant with the second one we thought CNY would be the perfect time to announce as it would have been a month clear of a 12 week scan. Sadly no baby or pregnancy now and like Chirstmas and New Year I'm dreading this CNY too.

Now focus is on having a healthy pregnancy by July due date which is also 1st anniversary of the first mc.

Been using OPKs again and so far on the flashing smiley so hopefully get the static smiley in a few days.

I'm gonna call GP later to ask for copies of all tests I've had in the past 12 months that will take me back to before first pregnancy. Hopefully they can just press a button and print it all out.

@Pegase I hope you managed to get DH in the mood lastnight/ this morning.

I'm trying to avoid all the media circus news around the royal pregnancy. Their announcement that was the worst badly thought out timing hit me hard. Doesn't help had another baby bomb last week. There's no escaping it!

Frazzle could he have been saying no to TTC, back then, because he honestly thought it was worse seeing you in pain after the MC or that he thought your MH needed to get better first? I am in no way excusing it or belittling your experience. Just I recall that my ExP done something similar with me, he said it was down to me to make myself better. I think with your DP proposing to you and cleraly up for lots of BDing last cycle is certainly positive steps towards wanting to continue TTC with you. How is the wedding planning going anyway?

@Frazzlerock I'm so so sorry you feel like this. It's a really shit journey and you have every right to feel the way you do. I just wanna give you a massive hug! Just because you have children doesn't mean you cannot still wish for more or grieve the ones you lost. Hope that you will have your rainbow very very soon and that your DH doesn't throw you off course x

Sorry, meant DP, habit typing x

@Twittlebee congrats! That's lovely news! Fx for a sticky bean x

Ha I told DH this morning that I was having a fertile day so he'd better be forewarned for this evening!

Am sending lots of positive baby dust towards all but particularly the two of you agonising over HPTs this morning!

@Frazzlerock you are so strong and survived that dark period yourself. Be proud of what you have achieved and I'm sure your rainbow will come x

Yeah I do understand that @Twittle, but even when I was at that point where I could function okay day to day, I was never genuinely happy and he knew that. I was still in that black hole, just a bit higher up than rock bottom and that is no way to live. It was only when DP agreed to TTC again that I suddenly found myself again and was able to be genuinely happy again.

Wedding planning is coming along, but everything is so expensive and I have no idea how to have a budget wedding. The photographer I've been following for a couple of years and was dead set on using for our wedding one day costs more than our entire budget so that has pissed me off. I cannot find another photographer like him either.
I feel like we will have to make do with someone else, or no one, looking at the cost of even the cheapest photographers.
Wedding dresses I'm having the same trouble. All the ones I love are way above budget, and the same theme seems to be running for everything so far so I kind of feel like all the things I had imagined for the day are not going to happen. But it doesn't matter, all I want is for it to be about us. I'll wear a bin bag if I have to and get a friends to take photos.

I will have a proper catch up now. Sorry for moan and thank you for humouring me! x

Thats how I felt too Frazzle and I totally hated my ExP for not understanding. I don't think what he done was right and so certainly not excusing your DP. Just rather, wondering his rationale behind it.

In regards to the wedding, give websites a try. You can always order a dress off somewhere like Chi Chi London and then send it back if it isnt for you. As for venues, have you looked at community venues? In Rayleigh they have the most gorgeous windmill that you can hire out for a wedding for like £300 and as its a community venue the Registrar fee is like £50 instead of £600. Mind you, only holds 35 people... But was just to give you an idea of whats out there. My cousin is getting married by wedding in our beautiful local town hall and then she has hired out a nearby hall, with her artistic flare I am excited to see how she will transform it.

and... don't apologise! xx

@Pegase good luck for Peak BDing

@rather sorry for the BFN, give it a couple more days and see

@tigsy that sounds like a pain in the arse having to pretend to someone else. It's all such bollocks isn't it! Just box ticking.

@Twittle I'm so pleased your BFP is a clear one today, I hope things continue to go in the right direction!

@Rose68 I hope you had a good run, I need to run today, but I am aching from my DVD from yesterday morning plus general AF aches and pain - I need to stop making excuses.

Thank you all for having my miserable back this morning. Fucking hormones eh?

I know, I'll show you all a pic of the cushion I made on Sunday. Something good for once that I did myself...

I don't know why I'm hiding my face as you've all seen it but I've cropped it now so you just get my stupid grin and weirdly enormous looking hips!

@Rose68
They are yours.
Can you private message on here??

@Frazzlerock I hope you can try to not have a completely shite day.
Could a chat to tell him how you feel about the possibility of him dropping out again. If he said 'that's not going to happen again' would that put your mind at rest??

@twittle yes definitely go and get it confirmed one way or another for you

I had a long chat with gp yesterday. She basically told me ALL anti-depression meds increases the risk of MC by anywhere from 15-68% depending on the study!! All studies are incidental as obvs don't do deliberate studies on PG women but wow.... what an eye opener!! Looks like it's battling this without meds for me!! X

@Frazzle I’m so sorry you are struggling, I think the arrival of AF does this to us. I suspect you feel a bit like me in that you know in no way is this guaranteed and the clock is seriously ticking. However, let’s look at the positives... DP IS up for trying.... DP has asked you to marry him AND it didn’t take long for you to get pregnant last time. If DP wants to get married I very much doubt he will pull the plug because he knows the effect it will have. Frazzle, I do really believe that you will get pregnant again.

We are both so lucky to have our boys Frazzle, trouble is I can now see a time in the not too distant future when they have grown up and gone and that is what I struggle with. What will be the point of me then?

@Tigsy I’m so sorry about the social worker thing. That is really quite shit. What arrangement do you have in place with the boys? Do you have them every weekend?

@Indreamland it’s good to see you back, I’m sorry you are struggling. I think we are all having our moments in one way or another.

@Pegase good luck for lots of bding later!

@Twittle that sounds more promising, was it a frer that you used? How dark was the line? Unfortunately it’s such a waiting game at this stage, it’s enough to send the most sane person over the edge.

@Frazzle, I’m a bit out of touch with weddings now, it’s 10 years since we got married. I did try to save money and made all the invites etc myself, got a cake from M&S etc etc, but we still spent over £20k. I think whenever anyone mentions the ‘w’ word, an extra zero is added on to the cost. Which is highly annoying 😬😬😬😬
My sister did it much cheaper second time round, Marylebone registry office followed by drinks at a posh hotel followed by a restaurant. She didn’t wear a white dress, but it was still a full length lovely dress and she looked amazing.

As for me, I have decided it always takes me 5 months to conceive, so maybe I will give it until my birthday and then knock it on the head. Anyone got any ideas of what to do with oneself so that one feels there is a point to ones life?

@rose
No the children live with us and have 2.5 contact days with their mother per week.
They were placed with us because their mother shacked up with a low life who's into drugs and crime. He also had child protection concerns... we reported our concerns to social services last January and the children have been with us since.
She has had 4 court appearances so far to prove she can put her children before her boyfriend, and fails every time saying all the evidence is wrong and he's not a criminal..... he got convicted of fraud in December and is currently on tag!!

Rose68 it was just another internet cheapie, so not that reliable but comparing it to past 3 I have done, it is certainly darker. I might go get a clueblue test to tell me how far along I am in the meantime.

Bloomin hard though isnt it, to try to think of something else to pre-occupy yourself with whilst TTC! I cant give any suggestions beyond the standard, "book a holiday", to help you feel like there is something to life.

@tigsy I'm glad you got to have that chat with your GP. Have they referred you for any counselling? Mind you, that is a loooong wait and I personally didn't find it helpful.

I don't know if I can ask him that. He will just say that he doesn't know and that I will just have to accept that, and if I can't accept that he may change his mind then I need to work on that myself. I know him. This will be the exact conversation.

@Rose We are so similar, I feel the same about my boys. They are 9 and 13 now and I just need that last little chubby baby to complete my family. Yes DP does know the effect pulling the plug had on me, but it didn't stop him before. He saw me rummaging through the cabinets for pills, he hid pills from me, he saw me drink vodka until I passed out on the kitchen floor in a pool of my own vomit. He saw all that yet that didn't change his mind. That is how I know that nothing will stand in his way if he wants to pull the plug. He knows I will go back there if he does but it won't stop him.

Re wedding, we have picked a reg office which will be £650 and will just have our closest family there, then throw a big party at a nearby pub which is min spend of £1500 (but guests will buy their own drinks) But it is still working out at stupid money for everything. His sister or my friend will make our cake, and we won't pay for booze but will have a buffet at the pub. Just little things like DP's suit, my dress, boys suits, one teenage bridesmaid dress, taxi to pub, hotel stay for us that night, hotel for DP the night before (I will stay at my mums and get ready there). Hair and makeup is £200 for me if I use someone I know and trust - though I've not asked her yet and maybe she will do 'mates rates'...

@rose I don't know about giving up and finding something else to keep you happy. Maybe don't think about that just yet xx

I never thought I'd say this Frazzle... but your flange looks fantastic

@tigsy wow what a delightful character the new boyfriend sounds glad the DCs have a clearly loving stepmum in you. They hit the jackpot there!

@Tigsy blimey that’s terrible, how can any mother put a man like that before her own children! I think your boys are a similar age to mine (mine are 9 and 6) and it would kill me if they were taken away from me. It’s bad enough knowing they will grow up and leave me. Anyway, I digress.... back to you... I am seriously impressed that you are bringing up someone else’s kids, it must be hard for you. I am sorry about the anti depressant thing, but I do think it’s best if you could stay away from them whilst ttc, as Frazzle says...could counselling be an alternative? I think you sound like one amazing lady Tigsy xxx
And thank you re the pregnacare, I will pm you a bit later xxx