Crushing disappointment of TTC

[TheChineseChicken]

TTC number 2 and struggling with the miserable disappointment every month. DD took quite a long time to conceive. Tried for a year, fell pregnant then miscarried at 9 weeks then pregnant again 3 months later. Been trying for number 2 since August and stupidly convinced myself it would be quicker this time due to friends' experiences. But here we are on cycle 5. The not knowing is the worst bit - it could happen this month, it might never happen.

I know that no-one can give me any reassurances but I just wanted to have a moan!

I fished this morning's test out of the bin for some inexplicable reason and saw a faint second line, which is clearly an evaporation line. Just did another test to confirm and it's negative

Im going mad ladies. 7 days to AF and I just tested with frer....of course it was negative. It says it on the packet!! (6 days earlier 😂) Tried to justify it as going to wedding tomorrow and was to put my mind at rest if has a few gins. Did it work?? No of course not.... now I am £7 down and have the itching to do the other test tomorrow (which will obviously be negative and will no doubt ruin my mood 🙈 why do I do it???

Welcome @MaybeBaby91 and rant away! Sometimes you need to let off a bit of steam.

I have the One Show on tv and am sitting here annoyed that Alex Jones is pregnant. I need to get a grip...

@dottyp0104 no judging here, I'm sure we have all done the same. Now you've opened the flood gates though you might as well just keep on testing You should still drink gin tomorrow though, it won't make any difference to anything now.

Solid smiley for me this morning so DTD tonight. Am away tomorrow night so will have to squeeze in a quick one in the morning before I leave. Can't remember the last time we had sex in the morning

I just googled to see if peeing after sex will stop me getting pregnant. Send help

@TheChineseChicken have decided to start the gin tonight 😂😂 best of luck to you 😉😉

@TheChineseChicken what did google say??? Maybe thats where I am going wrong 😂😂😂😂😍

Funnily enough it doesn't make any difference!

We've all been there ladies, ttc drives you nuts! I've done 7 OPKs today because they're almost positive and I didn't want to miss the peak 🙈 I'm hoping tomorrow is positive day and we'll dtd... dh won't know whats hit him with 5 times in a week 😂 I spent a good hour today checking the popularity of my favourite baby names too.

In a weird way it's reassuring that you guys do this stuff too.

I love that you have done 7 tests @codenameduchess Don't worry, we're all crackers here

I'm really annoyed as they're ranging from really pale to one shade from positive!! I just want a positive so we can have a shot at it.

I have my first pt session tomorrow and committed to a bootcamp... if I can't get pregnant I'll at least get a bit less fat!

That's my logic too @codenameduchess lose weight until I get pregnant then get the ok at my 11 weeks genetic test - fingers crossed that happens soon then I'll cancel my gym membership maybe though that's the only thing that keeps me sane at the moment - another day another negative OPK not even a faint line and I'm cd25 and it's usually at latest tomorrow so it's looks like last months CP has messed with my already stupidly long cycles!!

If you have cycles less than 40 days the Clear Blue Advanced Fertility Monitor has been really helpful for me in understanding and making records of my fertility. And after the initial investment it’s cheaper than buying the disposable tests.

@MapleAndCats - does it work for irregular(ish) cycles too? Been thinking of investing in an ovusense thingummy

@flyingplum Yes it works perfectly. My cycles used to range from 27 to 36 days. They’re now about 27-30 days.
It tracks your highs and peaks. Highs by your LH levels rising and then peak comes from the estrogen peak. If you want to save money on sticks; once you get your first peak it goes into automatic setting and will give you a second peak day followed by a high day so I just use the same stick and stick it in the machine until it tells me to stop testing.
I really swear by it, it’s amazing. It taught me how long my luteal phase is so I know the exact day I should get AF based on when my first peak day is.

If you chart your results it’s easy to give to the doctor to show what’s happening with your cycles.

I've always been told that hormonal tracking things were pointless for PCOS (which I think is what causes my fluctuation - have diagnosis), but maybe worth thinking about for next month :)

It might be worth it to find it if you’re actually ovulating each month and when. The doctors thought I also had PCOS to start but have since redacted that diagnosis. It might be merely that your ovulation date can vary by a bit. Apparently fluctuation of cycles up to 7 days is entirely normal.

@flyingplum I have PCOS too and I bought the clearblue thingy. Although AF hasn't returned since I stopped the pill it has only ever given me the same reading - I told the docs and they said there was no point in using it as cycles vary so much (in my case anyway).

I think ttc is actually going to break me and dh.

The other night when we dtd he wasn't very engaged, barely looked at me or did anything, it felt wrong and like he was being forced. I thought maybe it was a one off? Last night I tried to initiate and he closed his eyes so I just moved closer and tried to chat but he clearly wasn't interested.

I try not to obsess around him and make it 'normal' and fun, but he's aware of how the female reproductive system works and had a little nudge that this was the week. Pretty sure yesterday was the day to dtd too so we're most likely out this month and possibly for good.

I tried to tell him how I felt and he just looked away. I went to sleep furious and today I don't even want to be around him so told him to stay home and I'll take dd out. He's now tried to turn it around and say it's my fault because I didn't make a move and he doesn't get why I'm upset. I did make a move and he completely ignored me, very obviously wasn't interested.

I know I've let myself go since having dd, I see it, now I feel like he can't even stand to touch me so on top of this disgusting, broken body I now feel like my husband isn't attracted to me and refuses to acknowledge that I'm upset.

There's no one irl I can talk to so thank you if any of you actually got through that!

Hey @codenameduchess you don't sound like you're in a good place at all. TTC can definitely out a strain on things and isn't great for your sex like. Plus life is tricky anyway with a small child which makes you more likely to bicker. Try to just put it down to a bad day and get past it. Where are you and DD now, did you go out? Can you suggest to do something as a family instead to clear the air a bit?

Thanks @TheChineseChicken we're getting ready for DDs swimming lesson... it's taken an hour for her to eat some cereal and choose a towel 🤦‍♀️

He walked in to the bedroom and found me crying and just walked by without speaking. He's not helping the situation.

@Pinkroseuk - thanks. I was thinking something like ovusense might be better, because it tracks temp rather than hormones. Still expensive though...might wait and see what the outcome of next month's blood tests are.

@codenameduchess I'm sorry your having a tough time. Men are real idiots sometimes! you shouldn't beat Ureself up cos he is not dealing with this well by the sounds of it. My OH is terrible with emotions sometimes. I hope your feeling a bit better and things are looking up. 💐

Feeling slightly better today. Went to a friends last night and had half a bottle a few gins and broke a board game out.
Had a chat with dh and he agreed he'd been a knob and would put more effort in generally, spend more time with me and dd... and y'know look at me and move a bit when we dtd. I'm still a bit pissed at him but at least he's acknowledged it.

I'm out Saturday, for day drinking with a hotel stay, husband and child free! 😆 it'll be nice to relax and get a bit dressed up!

@codenameduchess sorry to hear you felt shitty yesterday but glad you are feeling better today. This is literally a rollercoaster of emotions and so testing! My OH left for the airport at 4:30am this morning and we managed to get in a BD last night around midnight after he’d ignored ALL any advances for BD ALL weekend. Normally he would jump on me but he just wasn’t interested and even last night I felt like he was forcing himself. For a moment I had this hideous feeling that I should have at least put some makeup on or washed my hair or put some nice underwear on.
We’d actually had quite a bit of nice spontaneous BD recently I wasn’t fertile and it’s like a soon as I am the pressure comes on and it completely robs us of any pleasure!

So..have managed CD10 and CD14 this time. Don’t think I even ovulate until tomorrow. Our chances for March are also looking slim!

@Ells0204 I'm sure sperm live for 2/3 days so don't count yourself out yet 🤞🤞

Ovulation day in 4 days guys. Feels sooooooooooooooooooo faaaarrrrrrr awayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!
I hope DH and I actually don't have any arguments this week, I am trying to AVOID it... also, I am not making any advances till then (also not telling him so that he doesn't "prepare" for it, as that takes away ALL the sexy mood) LOOOL. Hope he's interested.