Want a baby but my husband wont have sex

[Hellosunshine33]

Hi all,

I'm very new here, but I've seen so many people helping and supporting others so I'm going for it and spilling my heart out.

My husband and I have been married for 18 months, together nearly 10 years and I love him to bits. We've had discussions about wanting a baby but that's all it ever seems to be and it's breaking my heart piece by piece.
He's never been the most affectionate person, and were not frequently having sex and never have (much to my disappointment). We've seen a sex counsellor and whilst things did improve slightly at the time it's just gone back to how it was. We have sex on holiday and maybe once every 3 months otherwise.

Im at the age where a friend is announcing a pregnancy once every 3 months and I am so happy for them, but with each announcement I feel myself closing off more and more. I'm in tears just trying to write this.

I dont know what to do. I've spoken about it to him so many times. Maybe I'm a fool for thinking it would change.

I don't want to give up hope but my heart is breaking and I'm not sure how long I can carry on like this. I'm probably not helping myself as I've become more distant from him but I'm starting ti begrudge him for how I feel.

Any advice would be great. Please be kind, I'm feeling fragile and I can't talk to any friends about it comfortably.

Thanks

@faith00 @jessD82 @tropicalgirl88 @desperatewifey35 I'm so sorry I never got notifications you'd posted! I hope you're all doing ok

Thank you @NewEnglander I knew it would. He's my best friend and I love him dearly and these things take work sometimes and now we have this amazing little human we created and I'm so glad we did.

This is such a lovely ending! Congratulations @Hellosunshine33 !

I think that was a fake reply.. The username is not the same as OP

@Steelersfan8 you can change your username really easily, she's probably just updated her age.

I have just found the thread and in a similar situation. Husband does not do PDAs or is affectionate due to childhood. That's how his parents are- formal.
He's desperate for a child but is flat out at work and that takes priority. Worst still I'm now 42 this month.
I've tried all of the suggestions listed above, but to no luck. I really feel TTC pain on this thread. Haven't used contraception in 5 years and am lucky if he finds time once a month- it is always just outside ovulation window. I just feel like giving up. He's just always exhausted.

@80smodel Sorry you're going through this. He isn't desperate for a child though, is he? He would have tried to change something in the last 5 years if that was the case. And even if you did manage to get pregnant, how would he have time to support you and be a parent if he doesn't have time to have sex with you?

I think at 42 you need to decide if the relationship is more important to you than having a child - and if not, then look at options to go it alone.

I've had that conversation with him. He said he'd make it work. Ie. Childcare options etc... he is just so career focused. Also believes that if it is meant to happen will happen no matter the age.
Is so frustrating. Tbf I have only ever met men like this. They all want children but focus more on their careers or self interest. Tried explaining that life would change after children and 7 days a week and working as soon as you get home after 7pm just wouldn't leave time for them.

@80smodel This makes me so angry for you. He's totally naive as to both the realities of life as a parent, and pretty basic biology (or is feigning ignorance).
How do you think you should move forward?

@80smodel so while things haven't worked out for me this time I was in a similar situation. Dh and I both have low sex drives and he is very career focused and constantly knackered. We ended up with a mix of DTD when we could and DIY insemination which he found a lot less tiring so that approach may be worth a shot?

Tbf it is all I've ever experienced. I get tired of going through the process of meeting guys, getting to know them etc sharing thoughts and dreams for them to be totally self absorbed.
A job isn't everything.. but they don't get that... don't worry I'm angry too!!! His parents had 3 kids in their early-mid 20s... those days are gone it seems.

Thanks for the support and the suggestions.. will definitely look into it!!
I've never been one to focus solely on my job- but have to appreciate for some people it is important.

@Steelersfan8 I couldn't log in to the same account so I had to change user name.

I'm so sorry to anyone else struggling with similar issues. My advice is to be as communicative and open as possible. I mean our sex life still isn't like rabbits but we have a second baby on the way so the intimacy can be built up. I recommend relate for sex therapy and just really being open with each other.

@80smodel im going to be completely blunt, at the age of 42, if you really want children, I would not be waiting around for a man who can’t even be bothered to have sex with you in your fw. I’d be looking at alternative options, sperm donation, coparenting, etc.. you need to know now whether natural conception is still an option for you or if not think about fertility treatments- if this is what you really want ..

We've had all the tests done for IVF but no way could afford it. I only recently was made redundant and we can't even afford to get out of the rent trap.It is really important to share your earlier years with people who have your best interests at heart.
I wasn't in a position to hop around changing relationships through my 20s and 30s and have always maintained long term relationships with men who seem to want to do nothing but exist and work a 9-5 (although that is now an 8-7 + extra.
Have resigned myself to the thought that it may not happen. If I had the money- I'd consider it, but no way would my husband even consider paying for it.
Thanks for your response though! Appreciate the time taken to do so :)

So pleased for you both and for starting this thread. Made me feel like I'm not alone! 😀

Bless you that sounds really difficult for you. Does he suffer with any mental health issues or sexual functioning issues. Sometimes these can have a huge impact on sex/sexual desire. I think you will need to clear the air or it will consume you.
I personally suffer with depressive episodes and can’t bare my partner to even look at me when I am like that.

I think he does. He'd never admit it- but has frequent moods / highs/lows. Way too proud to ever say anything or ask for help and is far too consumed by his desperation to succeed at work. Sadly I don't share that passion.

Hi @DesperateWifey35
I’ve just read your post and wondered how you got on. I’m in a very similar position to you and finding it very hard to stay positive or to see what the future holds. My partner and I have been together for 11years but have had struggles throughout. Things are good but there is very little sex and he often struggles to finish when we do have sex.
He also tells me he wants a child but then fails to find a solution and often has excuses.
At the moment all I can see that we shouldn’t be together and we’re flogging a dead horse but when I try to bring this up with his seriously he gets upset and says he just wants to stop talking about it and try to enjoy life and each other.
How did things work out for? Thank you!

Hi @OliviaStruggles

I'm so ssorryto hear you are going though that, and I'm glad you reached out. Hopefully my update will help you in some way - in 2022 my husband and I started TTC more and although it was tough because he wasn't always in the mood and worked a lot, wasnt very heslthy etc, we stuck together through the arguments and rough patches and are now in a much better place. Last Christmas we talked about how nothing was happening and his fitness and mental health and generally just having wrong priorities were really impacting us. He began to change his lifestyle as of January, losing weight and focussing more on his physical and mental health and us. It really helped him. We got pregnant in February with our first baby and I'm due later this month.
I think him being overweight and potentially hormone imbalances due to bad physical shape and a lot of stress had really put a strain on us as a couple and also ttc. We are so so so much happier now and more in love than we've ever been, he is much happier in himself and is so excited about the baby, I am less stressed because it was all just getting me down and I felt at rock bottom thinking we were never going to get through it all.
I know how low and desperate you must be feeling and I hope this gives you some hope. Is there any particular reasons your husband is not quite on the ssame page as you do you think? Xxxx

@DesperateWifey35 Thank you so much for your response and for replying so quickly. It really makes a difference to hear you got through it and that I don’t need to just give up.
He has issues from childhood, his parents had a bad on/off relationship, his Dad kept leaving his Mum and they were constantly arguing and unhappy. He was treated a bit as a surrogate partner to his Mum and the. She got a brain tumour so he felt a lot of responsibility from a very young age. I think his fears are around never wanting a child to go what he did. He has seen therapists about this and it’s been a lot better.
I’ve brought up the situation of us not having sex again with him this afternoon and I’ve discussed taking my the pressure out of ttc and concentrating on enjoying sex.
I’m not sure how it’s going to pan out just yet but we’ve discussed him having the option of using condoms if that makes him feel better, for now.

I’m so pleased for you and I can’t tell you what a relief it is to hear that it’s not just me going through this. It feels an impossible thing to overcome and I feel completely lost as there is seemingly nothing I can do to help change the situation.
Thank you again and massive congratulations! Xx

That must be very difficult for you both and sounds like he has been through a lot of past trauma. Ultimately, having a family of your own is I'm sure something you've always discussed and something that clearly means a lot to you. Regardless of the past that doesn't mean he will not be a good dad and that history will repeat in any way. You guys are forming your own little family unit and you can make it as safe and happy as you can by setting your own values and plans and building a happy family together. I understand having been through difficulties TTC, that men often do feel a lot of pressure and we perhaps don't realise it. But at the end of the day, we are worrying about our clock ticking and our family dreams not coming to fruition so it's hard to be patient isn't it. It's good to theoretically take the pressure off but I know it will continue to eat you up like so many of us wives! Try to focus on spending lots of quality time together and also reassuring him that you guys will work at being great parents together and being a team, that's what's important. I can't explain how happy it makes you when it finally happens, I do wish we'd have had kids earlier but also have faith that it's happened at the right time or in Gods plan, and the tough times have made us stronger and more in love as we feel so glad we stuck at it. Please DM if you want to talk more 💓 xxx