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Original poster

My lover is going to leave me if I don't get pregnant

104 replies

RosemaryWoodhouse · 22/06/2007 02:29

I'm 37 and have never had a child. I proposed to my lover in February last year and he said he didn't want to get "trapped in a childless marriage" so we decided to have a baby and then get married. He loves me very much, I know he does, but ultimately if I can't give him the family he wants then I think he will choose to have it with someone else. I'm very scared of losing him.

OP posts:
RedTartanLass · 22/06/2007 02:39

Are you new Rosemary?

Original poster
RosemaryWoodhouse · 22/06/2007 02:40

Yes I've just joined.

OP posts:
RedTartanLass · 22/06/2007 02:46

Sorry not much advice for you but if you "bump" it later on, there will be some wiser people to give you advice

Just wanted you to know I saw your post.

Original poster
RosemaryWoodhouse · 22/06/2007 02:50

Thankyou

OP posts:
sandcastles · 22/06/2007 03:19

I think somebody who puts conditions on a marriage, ultimately isn't worth marrying.

I certainly wouldn't want to marry someone who would only do it if I bore him a child, what does that say about his feelings for you? You alone are not enough for him?

I'm sorry, but he can't love you very much, if he will only stay with you if a child comes along.

belgo · 22/06/2007 06:41

Ironically, putting an unreasonable condition such as that on your relationship is only going to increase your levels of stress, making it less likely for you to become pregnant.

And if you don't become pregnant, who's to say that it will be your fault? Has it not occurred to him that maybe he can't have a baby?

Pruners · 22/06/2007 06:52

Message withdrawn

Nightynight · 22/06/2007 07:25

hmm, it is difficult. I think many people share this attitude, ie they dont want to marry someone who cant have childrne, but it is relatively unusual to be so upfront about it, and yes, I must admit that would sound alarm bells for me.
It also sounds slight alarm bells that you proposed to him and he immediately came up with an obstacle - why didnt he propose to you? did he have doubts over your ability to have children?
37 is not that old, dont see why you should have problems having a baby. It just seems a really odd sort of response to a proposal.

you have 2 options really:
go ahead having a child, hopefully all will go well, and you will have a problem free marriage
or split now.

only you can make the choice.

ghosty · 22/06/2007 07:39

Rosemary, I am sorry but this is ringing alarm bells ....
I don't think I could be with someone who said that to me - marriage is about two people who love eachother making a formal commitment to eachother
Babies and children put an enormous strain on a relationship and if he isn't that committed to you then a baby isn't going to keep him ...
And also, babies/children grow up and leave home ... what's going to happen then? He will still be 'stuck' ...
I think a relationship comes first, the children are a bonus IMO ...

Oblomov · 22/06/2007 07:40

How long have you been trying to conceive ?

Oblomov · 22/06/2007 07:41

Alarm bells are ringing for me. What an odd response to a proposal.

moondog · 22/06/2007 07:42

What a charming chap he sounds.

belgo · 22/06/2007 07:43

When I first met my dh, he was 22, and he told me he wanted to make sure we could have children before we married.

Then , we fell in love, and dh never mentioned this again, because he loved me. We got married, and since have had children.

Oblomov · 22/06/2007 12:51

Come back Rosemary.

worzsel · 22/06/2007 13:00

To be honest, and i'm sorry if this sounds harsh but i wouldnt want to marry such a self centered git in the first place let alone create a child with him.. maybe it's you who should find someone a little less selfish and a lot more considerate !

Shoshable · 22/06/2007 13:19

When I met DH I had had 3 children two who died just after birth and a series of miscarriages that had resulted in me being infertile, I was also 36 and 10 years older than him, and had just been made a grandmother to a baby girl I was bringing up. He wanted his own children, for the first two years we were together we split up repeatedly, he couldn't get his head around never being a father. Everybody told me not to take him back, but I loved him, eventually I had enough tho and met somebody else, the first time he saw me with the other guy, he broke down, came to see me later, we talked and he said that I was more important than children (at this point he hadn't met DGD, as thought she had enough going on in her little life)

A year later we married, he is the best Grandfather in the world, DGD has lived with us off and on in the time we have been together, and she is def his girl.

I also CM and he is fantastic with the kids, in fact they come in the door calling his name.

He now says he has the best of both worlds, all the joy of the kids but they go home at 5.

MrsMar · 22/06/2007 14:49

Rosemary - I wouldn't go ahead with someone who put conditions on marriage. In this day and age we no longer NEED to marry (for financial support, legal reasons etc) so we must WANT to marry. A marriage is a relationship between two people, it is NOT a guarantee of children. As ghosty said, having children puts a huge strain on a relationship and if the relationship isn't rock strong in the first place, then a child will only expose those weaknesses and the relationship may well fail. You may not see it, but I feel a marriage based on something that may or may not happen is not a strong one.

MonkeyandBabyBoo · 22/06/2007 15:13

I agree with others - it is a very stange condition to put on a proposal. I was 20 when I started dating my DH and 2 months into the relationship he told me that he was looking for a long term relationship (he was nearly 25) and a wife. He said that as I was young, if this isn't what I wanted then he would rather it ended then as he didn't want to get hurt. I knew he was the one and as they say the rest is history.

The point is that he loved me and wanted me to be his wife - the fact we now have 2 beautiful children together is just a wonderful bonus for both of us.

I do hope you will think seriously before making either commitment. Both marriage and bringing a child into this world is a huge commitment to each other.

duchesse · 22/06/2007 15:37

I'm sorry but I think that this is a very strange condition to impose on you.

Does he love you or merely the potential breeding vessel his children that you represent?

Sorry to be blunt but "getting stuck in a childless marriage" is a really, really insensitive way of dealing with the thought of infertility, and certainly a rather tenuous basis for a long-term relationship, in my view. It just sounds rather passionless.

I can see that he wants children, but he is going about this in such an insensitive way that I fear for you, should you "end up stuck in a childful marriage" with him. Sorry again. It's just that the commitment that children represent a real strain on a relationship at the best of times, and if he being this insensitive now, I dread to think how much/little support he will be when you really need it later.

That said, men can dramatically change for the better when faced with the really life-changing aspects of child-birth and parenthood. Only you can make that call, and it's a tough one.

SugaryBits · 22/06/2007 15:44

Do agree with the other posters but, to offer a slight difference of opinion..

I don't think I could have married someone who didn't want children, no matter how much I loved them. I was desparate to have a family and just couldn't picture my life without one, so I can sort of see where he is coming from despite his tactless handling of the situation.

You have to do what is right for you though, don't be forced into doing something you don't want to do.

mslucy · 22/06/2007 15:55

have you asked him why?

Is it because he genuinely wants a family or is because he wants to make you feel insecure?

I am nearly 37 and am married with one son, trying to have another.

It's taking it's time - that's why I'm here.

I think you should both get tested so you are aware of any problems.

I also think that at 37 you have to accept that you probably won't get pregnant immediately.

Bibis · 22/06/2007 15:57

I was infertile for 5 years and I often offered my dh a 'get out of jail free card'.

His response was that he had married me, not the children we may or may not have.

You marry because you love each other not for children (well that's what my perception of marriage is anyway).

You need to talk to him and work out what you both do really want out of the rest of your lives.............

Oblomov · 22/06/2007 16:01

You must get tested asap. And for your own good. Nothing to do with your dp. Are you sure he is the man for you ? Any woman must accept that we become less and less fertile as we grow older. 37 is by no means old. But you are not 20 either are you ?

Come back to us. Tell us more. And let us support you.

cylonbabe · 22/06/2007 16:04

tbh, i think the fact that he has stated he wants kids is in a way a good thing. he's up front about what he wants.
jpwever making you feel pressured is a bad thing. there are lots of ways to have a baby. natural conception and childbirth are only one of many.

Sobernow · 22/06/2007 16:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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