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Conception

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Original poster

My lover is going to leave me if I don't get pregnant

104 replies

RosemaryWoodhouse · 22/06/2007 02:29

I'm 37 and have never had a child. I proposed to my lover in February last year and he said he didn't want to get "trapped in a childless marriage" so we decided to have a baby and then get married. He loves me very much, I know he does, but ultimately if I can't give him the family he wants then I think he will choose to have it with someone else. I'm very scared of losing him.

OP posts:
Original poster
RosemaryWoodhouse · 22/06/2007 16:53

He says he doesn't see me as walking womb for his children and I believe him. As he pointed out if he didn't love me he would have cut his losses by now. I think if it was the other way round and he didn't want children I would have second thoughts so I can understand how it feels. I'm safe for another year while he finishes his phd because we live off my income. We're both fertile so I'm just praying it happens for us.

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Sobernow · 22/06/2007 17:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nightynight · 22/06/2007 17:51

if he has worries about getting a child due to advanced age, then wouldnt it make sense to start trying asap though?

He doesnt sound like my type, I have to say. But then it takes all sorts.

I got pg at the drop of a hat aged 35, btw.

whomovedmychocolate · 22/06/2007 17:54

How does he know it's not him with the fertility problem? Plus what's wrong with adoption. He sounds like a complete selfish twonk to me!!!!

The best way to get pregnant (for me anyway) was to stop trying.

mytwopenceworth · 22/06/2007 18:00

You are "safe for another year while he finishes his phd because we live off [your] income"

?????

You mean he won't leave you yet because you are supporting him while he studies.....

But after he has finished, and he no longer needs a cash cow (pardon the phrase!), he will up sticks and go, with his new earning potential, if there's no baby....

And you want to keep this man?

I am sorry, but - Oh. Dear. Me. I think fertility is the least of your problems. Don't take this as me having a go, I'm not, but if you were one of my mates, I would be very concerned for you.

Original poster
RosemaryWoodhouse · 22/06/2007 18:33

Well we are trying (every day when I get home from work and when we go to bed and mornings too at the weekend ), it's not like he keeps putting it off and that counts for a lot in my book. If we did go our separate ways then it would probably be over for me, because I would have to find someone else and I don't have that amount of time left. For all his faults, at the end of the day he's faithful, he's straight with me and I fully believe we will be very happy if we can have a baby.

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FioFio · 22/06/2007 18:34

This reply has been deleted

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lemonaid · 22/06/2007 18:43

IF you are actually having sex every day, you're less likely to get pregnant. For many/most men, there won't be anything like their normal levels of sperm around after a few days of that. Every other day throughout your fertile period should be fine.

If you've been trying for six months, given you're over 35, worth seeing the doctor for tests (but make sure he gets tested too).

With others I am a bit at his attitude in all this, but just addressing the "getting pregnant" practicalities here.

lemonaid · 22/06/2007 18:45

Toni Wechsler, Taking Charge Of Your Fertility. The Bible on these things...

Nightynight · 22/06/2007 19:17

sorry, rosemary, I hadnt picked up that you were already trying. Please excuse my tactless comment!

Judy1234 · 22/06/2007 19:32

I think best practice these days is to have sex most days in the cycle not save it up so she's doing the right thing. As sobernow says it's not a completely selfish point. But why not get you both tested as soon as possible - he may be infertile and you may be losing your last chance to have chidlren because he can't have them whereas if you moved to a sperm donor you could.

WideWebWitch · 22/06/2007 19:40

Bollocks, I wrote A LONG message and it disappeared.

Precis was, dh (then was dp) wanted children, I already had one and didn't think I wanted more. Dp said he loved and wanted me above wanting children. I loved him and didn't think it was fair to ask it of him so we had dd, who is now 3.5 and I don't regret it at all. She's one of the best things that ever happened to me, we're all mad about her. And dh is a fab stepfather too.

In your position I'd want to know more about where he stood on this if push came to shove before I considered marrying him.

bookwormmum · 22/06/2007 19:48

Rosemary at least he is being upfront about his desire for a family but I have to admit when I read this I thought 'Henry VII' . I'm a little concerned that you only want to have a child to please him/get him to marry you. Do you want a child?

I know what I'd do and say in this situation were it me but it's not so I won't.

lemonaid · 22/06/2007 20:01

I'm not suggesting saving it up entirely for the relevant point, Xenia, just that every day and twice some days is probably overdoing it unless her DP has super-sperm that can regenerate really quickly. When I was TTC DS every other day was the suggestion but admittedly that was three or four years ago.

imnot27 · 22/06/2007 20:08

Feel for you in this situation, is a shame when conceiving a baby is so pressurised, in your case to save your relationship. Hope it works out for you.....but, I do agree with others, that, if you really love someone and want to marry them, you accept them for who they are, and that includes not fertile. It may be sad for you both not to have children, but the relationship between the two of you is more important. IMHO. Also, always options to adopt etc. But, having a wee bairn puts massive pressure on the best of relationships, so if you're not 100% sure that he loves you, it may not last anyway. Sorry for long, pesimistc thread!

whomovedmychocolate · 22/06/2007 20:18

Rosemary - my marriage (a second marriage - no previous children) was complicated - my DH had been previously married and widowed and though they had tried for nearly 30 years, they had never managed to have kids.

Then we tried and after six months sought help (I was 32 at the time btw). I was diagnosed with PCOS and told our only chance of pregnancy was through IVF. We talked at length because neither of us wanted to go through the strain of IVF and we decided to go for adoption. Sadly DH was considered too old and so we decided we'd just have to learn to live with it. After all, there are so many wonderful things in life even if you don't have children of your own.

A month later, I got pregnant naturally. And yes, it is the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me and our DD is a little treasure, but she is an bonus to our already strong relationship.

Kids aren't glue. If a relationship is shaky, having a baby will ensure that your marriage is blown apart. Someone once said: a baby is a hand grenade thrown into a marriage, and it can be - if either parent is only with you conditionally, how long before it's 'I'll stay only if you do all the childcare' for example.

I urge you to think carefully about what you want here, I know you love him, but perhaps your future is not with him.

MadamePlatypus · 22/06/2007 20:22

"For richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health" may sound like a cliche, but that is what marriage is. I would be worried that somebody who set this kind of condition wouldn't be there for me when things got tough. Children are hard work and don't come with any guarantees. Sorry to be blunt, but I really think I would have a better chance of happiness being single than committing to being with somebody like this.

Judy1234 · 23/06/2007 10:48

But they haven't committed to marriage yet. If her lover wants a life with children then it's better they don't commit to marriage now and then divorce. I am not sure however much I loved someone I would have married them if it meant I would have a life without my own children in it and if I knew that already then that would be part of the decision as to whether they were the person for me.

Flamesparrow · 23/06/2007 10:58

The main thing here isn't him using you as a vessel or all the other random discussion on here.

As far as I can see, its about wanting children.

I would never have married a man who didn't want a family. Call it selfish, but becoming a mother (either naturally, adopting, fostering, whatever) was what I have always wanted. I couldn't have married someone and given that up no matter how much I loved them.

Do you want children?

If so, then the refusing marriage thing is a bit odd.

If you aren't sure or have always vaguely muttered about having children "one day" then you need to be sure for you. Don't have a child to please or keep him.

If you want children, then go for it, if not, then make the break now.

Sobernow · 23/06/2007 11:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsMar · 23/06/2007 15:39

I think it's very telling that rosemary said "I think we'll be very happy if we can have a baby". That to me implies you're not happy now, and like someone else said, a baby will blow apart a bad relationship, not glue it together. I understand the sentiments of others that they would not be with someone who didn't want children, but two things here, firstly there's something very different between not wanting children and not being able to. Fertility or lack of it shouldn't be the foundation of a relationship. Secondly, I don't know about anyone else, but if my dh had said he didn't want children, I'm not sure I could have left him. I'm so grateful we never had this problem, because I love him so much and would hate to have had to make the choice between him and a non existent (as yet) baby. The point I'm trying to make is that our relationship is so important to me, that children are the icing on the cake, not what make the relationship. I think in a flippant moment it would be quite easy for me to say "I couldn't be with a man who didn't want children" but another thing totally if dh said he didn't want children, and I had to walk away from him. I just don't think I could have done it. I feel that the relationship has to be that strong in order to have children.

Peachy · 23/06/2007 15:44

I kinda agree with the others but...

there's something to be said for his honesty. If kids are that important to him he coulodn't cope without (and they are to many women, so why not men?) isn't it better he lets ylou know now, instead of after the amrriage? I ahve ehard of marriages breaking down for this reason- maybe its an insurance policy?

Now rods fo wisdom but go with your heart

Peachy · 23/06/2007 15:46

lemonaid I read the every pther day theory is an article as recently as last month

MamaMaiasaura · 23/06/2007 15:50

THis sounds trite but babies dont 'make' a relationship. I udnerstand what you said about if he didnt want children and you did you wouldnt be sure either.

The point I am trying to make is that if you both want children whether or not you can physically have them isnt the point. There are a whole variety of fertility treatments (been through some) and also adoption etc.

I think it is unfair of him to say if you are unable to conceive that he wouldnt want to be with you. Hope that make sense.

Regarding sex everyday, dp and I indulged every day (under advice too from consultant) and it work for us. Didnt do twice a day tho as sperm hasnt had time to 'regroup'. Dp does have super sperm apparantly tho

Original poster
RosemaryWoodhouse · 23/06/2007 16:24

We are happy that's why I proposed to him, and he loves me and we both would love a family. Adoption's out since his cousin adopted and the kid's mother was a crack whore and the baby had to be weened off it. It has loads of behaviourable problems and spends most of the day doped up on Ritalin so we've both been put off that idea.

Can you put sperm in your fridge? I had this idea that during non-fertile days we could save up his sperm and then when I ovulate bung it all in. That would increase my chances by 10-20 times. Could that work?

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