University and TTC

[pinkflower22]

Hi guys. I guess I need some advice please.

I'm finishing of my last year of university and I would really like to have a child with my partner.

A part of me keeps hesitating and thinking maybe I should do my teacher training year but then I keep going back to thinking no I definitely want my own baby as a year seems so long to wait and then start trying.

I will go back to work once the child is old enough after a couple of years or even do my teacher training year then.

I will make do on any help government provides for the next few years plus my partners income.

I'm not sure what to do. My in-laws would have a heart attack and say your both two young and we both are not financially stable enough, but I think that will be able to bring up children in a cost effective way, by not buying the most priciest things.

Perhaps you could find friends on your pgce and when you start working. You're putting all your eggs in one basket - being a sahp is lonely even for people with lots of family and friends. It isn't fair to have a child to fill up an emptiness in your life. You should be thinking about what you can offer a child not how they could improve a lonely life.

I got pregnant at uni (unplanned) and even though I was 23 when I had DD it has taken many years to get back to a place of financial security and to move away from state help. State benefits whilst an absolute life saver are not easy to live on. Choosing between good winter shoes / coats for everyone in the family and putting the heating on. In the early years, I had no internet, no smart phone or devices, no tumble dryer so clothes were constantly drying around the house. We spent our days out at baby groups and the library because it was warm and I didn't have to heat the house. And that was before Universal Credit came in which I spent much worse.
What are you going to do about housing? I was very fortunate to be eligible for a council flat but they are few and far between and rent cripples most people so that they can't buy a home for themselves.

I work as an unqualified teacher/instructor now and it's hard, reallly really hard to balance everything. Teaching is not a great job for those with young children, at least when you are starting out. Finish your training, get some work experience that way you could go into supply to keep finances time can't over and sort yourselves out financially and with your accommodation - then plan to have a baby. Doing it any other way on purpose is a ridiculous idea and likely to lead to a life of hardship.

If you think a baby is going to solve all your issues you couldn’t be any more wrong. They are isolating for even the most sociable people. They will cost you more and more money every year.

I work in a school and so many teachers don’t come back to work after having children because it’s so hard to juggle.

By the sounds of it your boyfriends family will not be happy and you’ll loose their support.

I can’t suggest any more plainly, this is not a good idea right now!

A baby will not magically cure your loneliness, if anything it may isolate you even more when you're stuck at home all day, no job and little money whilst your partner is at work. Do your training, get a job and some financial security. Do not make the mistake of depending so much on your partner, particularly with no support network of your own, that's insane.

Again, you are not going back to work as you don’t have a career to go back to.

As you have already made your mind up, I hope it works out for you and that you aren’t on here in a few years time asking for advise on how to cope.

The other issue here is you’re entirely dependent on your boyfriend for this plan to work.

What if he leaves you? You’ll have jack shit and no family support as back up.

Been there babes, it’s a living fucking hell.

I’m actually really really cross about this thread so I’m checking out.

You’re not listening to anyone- you’re an absolute raving mad knobber. And I pity your future childZ

I have no family support but I know I will have support from my boyfriends family 100% even though they won't be pleased I think they will be pleased to have a grandchild

^it gets even worse. I despair!

Would you plan to have one child or more than one. If one, you would still be looking to have 5 years of no income, total reliance on your partner, little support. If you ever thought to have another dc, you’re hardly going to wait until after pgce in 5 years, then NQT and a couple of year teaching unless you’re looking at an 8 plus year age gap.

Having a baby is not a substitute for friends and family. It really isn’t. It’s very difficult even with good money and support behind you. I’m concerned that you’re going to end up tied and unhappy and will not be in a position to give your dc the best start in life.

Op your posts make it abundantly clear that you are very immature and quite frankly living in a dream world. A baby adds a huge amount of stress to even the most stable of situations. I have 2 dc and about to return to work after having my second. I had a well established career prior to my first maternity leave but its still a huge struggle to get back on track after taking time out. I think you are massively underestimating how much a baby costs in the first few years. How long have you been with your partner? What's your plan if your relationship falls apart after having a baby?

I had my first child a lot later (education complete, career established, etc) and the first year with a baby was at times one of the most lonely and isolated of my life.
If you are lonely I don’t think a baby can, or should be expected to, fill that hole in your life.

You say one of your reasons for wanting a baby is that you feel lonely. I had a decent circle of friends, supportive family and a wonderful husband when I had my first baby and it's still the loneliest I've felt in my life. It's got better but it was very hard.

I had this exact predicament in my final year of uni. I decided to wait till after my NQT year. The training and nqt year is all consuming. You'd feel guilty for not doing your best for the kids you teach as well as feeling guilty for being tired/busy with a little one of your own.

I have done my training and completed the NQT. I've started a new job in September and am now 4 weeks pregnant!

You know what is right and how you feel but you also need to consider what would be best for your future too. I now will have more money on SMP pay and don't have to worry about training for my career.

Good luck in whatever you choose OP xx

You don't have enough. You said you dont., very clearly you said you don't.
If the student loan find out you have extorted money you will be in the shit, truly.

Student loans are for students study! You seriously are taking the piss, and abusing the help you are getting and plan to deliberately do it again.

Pp keep telling you what a bad idea this is but you are not listening, and abusing funds, and deliberately planning to claim benefits.

Why doesnt that bother you.

I think this must be a joke, you clearly have a brain to be doing a degree, so why are you not being more grown up about this?

How long have you and your partner lived together? How does he feel about being plunged into this level of financial burden and stress so young?

You have mentioned how keen or otherwise he is. How old is he?

There are four pages of parents and/or teachers telling you not to do it for a reason.
Honestly, do your PGCE and NQT then go for a baby then. You'll get maternity leave and have a job to go back to, and would have more flexibility of working 'on your own terms' (part time.etc).
Both the PGCE and NQT years are brutal without children, never mind with a child to look after. Well, actually, you won't be looking after your child for two years as you will be too busy lesson planning and marking most evenings. You talk about feeling lonely: how will your child feel when his/her mum has no time for him/her whatsoever?
What if your partner leaves you or is unreliable? Then forget about the starting a career...

There are some really great things you can do for lonelines, and wanting a little baby to love you and fill your days, is not even remotely on the list.

It is sheer hard work, and if you are lonely and don't feel loved enough you will rese the demands that a tiny life will place on you. You will be stuck indoors 24/7 potentially whilst your partner goes out and lives his life!

Resent

You feel lonely, yet you are in a relationship.

Things are Aron

*wrong!

Right, there are so many issues here OP.
Will you even accept that the way you talk is naïve, and comes across as really childish.

You have nothing, basically. Your partner has a home, u don't.
Why would anyone plan to marry when the are pregnant, noone does that.

If you and he want to marry that's what you would be doing

They would be happy, but they'd be happy to ha dgc!?!?

Can you hear yourself?

I am really sorry you feel so lonely and empty emotionally, and struggling to make connections with friends in your peer group, but these are the problems you need to be addressing, as hard as that may be.

With you set of issues, you with a baby could be heading for an absolute disaster. Massive risk of pnd, unable to cope not having any family and friends , baby keepin you up all night, and then not settling in he day, and all alone with it, yes very alone. It can be the most isolation not experiences.

You came here with questions, and attempting to knock back some very wise advice that you have sought, but why have you sought it when you refuse to read it properly and accept this is not the way to do this successfully, or to have a career an be independent.

You need to seek support through therapy to manage these desperately needy feelings.

Is your partner desperate, at any cost, like you?

Christmas Sprite is right.
OP a baby is hard work and not a cure for being lonely. I think you may need some help with looking at why you feel so lonely - even in a loving relationship. There must be a counselling service at the Uni. Please refer yourself- if not for you for any child you may have.
Also getting on a PGCE or ANY job will be difficult if you don't work for 5 years after Uni. You won't be going back to work you will be starting work, and will be up against new graduates.
Sadly, I don't think you want to hear anything apart from confirmation that your plan is a good one. It isn't.

Tbh,
I think you're thinking too far ahead in discussing breakfast clubs etc.
Please wait to have a child!!!! It's for the best.

My PGCE year was much tougher than my first year of motherhood in terms of sleep, feeling overwhelmed etc. No way I could have done it with a child (and hats off to the amazing women who do). I think if I was in your shoes I’d do PGCE and NQT year before TTC, unless you’re at an age where your fertility’s beginning to decline, or you have a medical reason not to postpone having children (I have a friend with PCOS who has been advised to start trying before 30 by her gynae, for example)

Thanks everyone for your replies. I hope I haven't sounded like an ignorant person I've took everything on board.

I've decided to do teacher training and have continued with part of my application

I think loneliness wasn't the right word. I wanted something to distract myself and I could give all my love to that wasnt study

There is much you can do and need to do for yourself before such a massive commitment in your young life. Keep using the protection!

And very good luck with the rest of your studies and your teacher training, that will show you more to occupy you than you ever thought possible.

You will no longer look for distractions, and a baby certainly is not merely one of those!