TTC Our Rainbow

[MeghanV07]

Hi all 💞 I had a miscarriage on the 5th September, I was 7+2 😔. We already have a 10 month old so I feel very blessed to have him. But now in the 2ww and I’ve done about a million tests already and they’ve all been BFN. Some I’ve thought they may possibly be a very very very positive but I’m doubtful. Is anyone else trying to conceive their rainbow 💞

Morning all,

I'm having a horrid couple of days.
Yesterday, DP's step sister had her baby and used the name I had top of my girls list. She didn't know I would have used that name and I know that no one owns a name, but it just felt like a further kick in the ovaries.
Especially as she's now had two babies in the 2.5 years I've been so desperate.
To cut a long story short, there is history which involves his family being insensitive fuckers about our losses.
Anyway, I'm in a whatsapp group with two of my oldest friends and decided to have a rant/vent to them about how I was feeling. One of them was lovely. The other basically went into a tirade of abuse. A "reality check" apparently.
Then, when I responded to say all I needed was a listening ear, she text my DP telling him everything 
Now he isn't speaking to me, no doubt he's about to pull the plug on TTC.

All for one bad day. I'm not allowed to just feel really shit for one day because it blows up in my face.
I'm so angry at my friend. I feel betrayed. It wasn't her call to destroy things. But she did it and isn't apologetic either.

If he does pull the plug then I honestly don't know how I'll cope. I had two years of complete darkness until June this year when he agreed to try again.
I won't survive it again. I'm absolutely terrified.

And to top it off, I think AF is on its way.
I had another dip in temp yesterday, a bit of pink when I went to the loo at one point, and I woke really early this morning with subtle cramps low down. My temp has risen a fraction this morning but I'm expecting a crash tomorrow.

I feel like if I'm not pregnant this time, it is most probably my last chance given yesterday's events 😓

@MeghanV07 I'm the same when I got pregnant in July. I didn't have loads of CM but I had some.... just beyond frustrated at the moment. Half want to put it off this month and just try a clean slate next month!

@Frazzlerock darling that's a horrible situation to be in. FOR YOU. Do not feel like you're being unreasonable or anything. 1) that's the first thing I think of when friends I know and family who are currently pregnant is don't you dare call your child my name. Haha. It's a normal thing. 2) I'm sorry to say but your friend has been a right back stabbing bitch there. She has no right to do that. Whether she's close to you both or whatever. There is no reason. She's not a true friend if you have a vent and she runs to the closest person to you and tells them everything. Unless your suicidal ( which you're not ) i don't understand why she'd feel the need to speak to him. Keep your head held high. Your partner should be more concerned about how you're truly feeling than your mates comments. Love to you xxxx

I'm sorry @Frazzlerock but who the hell does your friend think she is?! What a horrible person! I agree with @Delilah7, unless you're in serious danger there is no reason whatsoever to go and do something like that it's totally uncalled for!!! I'm so sorry you're having a rough time. I had a similar situation yesterday where a friend told us she like the name Reggie for a boy (she's 20 odd weeks pregnant with her second boy) and that was one of our names and it is just a massive kick in the teeth and reminder that you're not the one who's pregnant anymore. I know you can't claim a name but it still makes you feel like dog shit. Your husband with hopefully calm down and just see she's being a shit stirring little wench. I get it his family but we are all entitled to have shit days and bitching to our friends is something we NEED to do. God I'm so angry for you.

Feel you @Delilah7, I think well if I haven't caught this month then I may aswel scrap it and wait till next month. Only 14 days till AF is here 🙃. I start the month off so so positive then when it gets to around my fertile window I'm all anxious and negative again. Xxxx

My DP and my friend are not close at all. In the 3.5 years we've been together, he's met her a handful of times.

I just cannot understand why she would do such a thing. She knows how volatile DP is, he gets upset/stressed by the finest thing, and she knows this as I have spoken to her before about it. What she has done has sent him over the edge, and now he "wants to talk". I know what that means as I heard it before. No more TTC.

My mind is going on a tangent now and I'm wondering if she us jealous of us and our life. But maybe I'm just over thinking it and she just did it to be spiteful. My other friend says she is just being honest and is doing it because she cares  I'm really struggling to see it!

I just don't understand the logic behind it @Frazzlerock? Does she have a partner & family herself? I do always think people do things out of jealousy, but it's such a nasty thing to do.

How are things today? Hope you're okay sending lots of love ❤️

What app does everyone use to track their cycles? Xxx

No she doesn't have a partner. She has four children and she has raised them all as a single parent.

She continued to speak to DP yesterday and he lost it with me last night. He is completely taking 'her side' (I don't know how else to put it). I feel completely emotionally battered to a pulp and I've been awake since 3:30am - although managed to get back to sleep between 6 and 7, then the cats woke me up. I'm WFH today as I need to be alone.
He threatened splitting up, he told me that he was shocked that I started using the Ovusense thing as we had agreed to just 'see how it goes'. I can't 'see how it goes' I am 39 years old with PCOS and DP probably has sperms issues from mumps. I can't just sit back and hope for the best. I did that before when I was with my ex-h and we were TTC DC1 - it took 2.5 years of 'just seeing how it goes'. I don't have that time on my side anymore.

This is all my fault for thinking it was okay to have a rant to my 'friends'. I thought I was safe. Friends rant to me about their families and I just listen to them. I thought the same would go for me but I was so wrong. I've said so many irrational and mean things in my rant but I am jealous. I need to hold my baby after the MCs so badly it hurts. I would never ever say anything to her face and I know I don't mean it really, I just needed to offload to my friends.
What stupid fool I am. I should know better at 39 years old.

Anyway, I'm gong to continue to use Ovusense despite what DP thinks. It's good to know when/if I am ovulating and it also good to know when to expect a period, rather than bleeding everywhere completely out of the blue. PCOS likes to surprise me every time. But now I am in control.

I'm now 12dpo, and I told DP I hadn't yet finished my cycle so I don't know if I am preg or not (most prob not), and he was like "well great, this is the worst time that could happen". So he's gone from being 100% on board with me and now he says this.
If I do get a BFP (unlikely, but whatever) I won't tell him immediately, I need to have that joyous moment for as long as possible without it being ruined by him.

Apps wise, I use Ovusense (obvs), Clue, and Flo. Clue is CRAP. It still hasn't picked up ovulation, despite me putting my temps in. Flo and Ovusense are right on track. I will delete Clue.

Sorry to bring down this thread, I don't know who to talk to anymore. I can't trust any of my friends. If that one friend can be that spiteful then any of them could.

I hope you are all having a better week. Is anyone due to test soon?
Or ovulation on the cards?

Oh lovely 😔 I'm glad you're working from home today ❤️. Your 'friend' sounds incredibly bitter and jealous of what you have. I don't agree with you're other friend who said that she was simply looking out for you or whatever, I think she was being a bitch. If any of my friends did that to me I'd cut them off straight away.

I think your DP, is probably pissed off you had a rant to your friends about his SS & I really don't think men realise how much we really bitch about TTC, MC & baby's in general. So when someone gets pregnant before us, especially after a loss, we are jealous, angry & question why not us... and I honestly don't think they get that. So all the things you've said, would be totally normal. Especially to us ladies, we know how you're feeling. You trusted your friends to not say anything & to just be there & it's very sad that you've learnt this way that she isn't a proper friend.

Has your 'friend' ever had a loss? I know she has children, but it's really not the same.

If you're feeling shite or alone today, please say in here, I'm always up for a good bitch 😘

I'm okayish today, don't have a clue if I've ovulated, but had some ovulation pain on Tuesday but no idea if I'm imagining it. I really don't want to use opk's as they make me anxious, so if I don't catch this month I may start taking my temp again next month. Xxx

Sorry @Frazzlerock I forgot to tag xxx

Yes she has lost at least one. She knows what it is like.
But she is super fertile. When she wanted another baby, she'd go back to her ex and have sex ONCE and bam she was pregnant. She ended up with twins the last time.

She now can't have anymore children as she had cancer and had to have her womb and cervix removed (she is physically fine now). I really feel for her (or at least I did), but at the same time she got her rainbows, and very quickly.

I don't think she knows how it feels to possibly never ever hold her rainbow. I don't think she thinks it matters that much. She's often suggested I should be grateful for what I have. I find that a further kick in the teeth, like I am not grateful for the two children I struggled to conceive years ago. Like I don't thank my lucky stars that I have them every single day. That they both made it through pregnancy.

She knows DP and I are/were trying again and I wonder if that made her jealous because she doesn't have a partner or the option to try again if she wanted to. Fair enough if she is jealous, it is natural, I'm jealous of DP's step sis but I would never act upon it. I'd only go as far as to having a rant about her with my 'friends'. I'd never try to ruin her life.

God this is such a mess. She's a horrible toxic - I can't even write human being! Just a horrible toxic parasite. Her poor children. I hope they don't grow up to be like that

@Frazzlerock darling.

Your friend is not a friend. She is shitty. Friends are you safe place to say whatever you want to them and then not judge or tell. I would literally cut contact with her and ask your DP to aswell
He should not be angry. I'd be angry at him for having a convo like that with her. Feel for you I really do. We are all here xxx

@MeghanV07 hope you're ok x x x

Thank you @Delilah7 and @MeghanV07, sorry I am banging on about myself.

Deep breaths and back to TTC talk

Delilah and Meghan, it is so frustrating this TTC malarky isn't it. Keep going though, it will be worth it in the end. We'll all get there sooner or later xx

@Frazzlerock you're not hun. We are here for you to talk to. Express it all to us.

I'm just getting fed up. Think I'm ovulating! X

I hope you are @delilah7 You'd better get your mits onto your DP tonight

@Frazzlerock I will. I can't be dealing with OPKS. Too stressful month!! X

Sorry for the late reply ladies I've been so ill today.

Woke up with a really bad stomach 😫 then felt so so sick till lunchtime now I feel like I've got the flu. Again.

I'm really sorry about my boobs now, they don't hurt as much as Sunday, but one is absolutely massive compared to the other. It feels like it's on fire too.

Going to make a Dr's appointment tomorrow but so worried 😔 xxx

Worrying *

@MeghanV07 oh no! What could it be?

@Frazzlerock I have no clue. I've woken up feeling one today, my left boob is still very swollen and every time I google it says cancer 😣.

I need to make a Dr's appointment really, I don't know if I should see how it is over the weekend and make one Monday as the pains gone now? I had my boobs done 8 years ago and my friend said it could be scar tissue, but I was reading up on that and it says it happens over months, you'll gradually realise your boob is getting more solid over time, not over night. So I can't see it being that. But it's the fact I felt so god damn awful last night. Had to put my DS to bed at 6 and he normally doesn't go down till 7:30 😶😂. DH was out working last night and didn't get home till 10:30 so I was truly feeling sorry for myself!

How are you today @Frazzlerock hope things have improved for you somewhat xxx

How are you @Delilah7? Any more ovulation signs 👀. I think I'm out, creamy CM this morning 👎🏼 so assuming I have ovulated or haven't. I'm going with haven't, just have that feeling. So now the 2WW 😣 xxx

@MeghanV07 I'm ok Hun. Had EWCM for the last two days and abit this morning. We done the deed Monday and last night and probably will tonight I think! 😘

@Delilah7 sounds like you've covered it 🤞🏼

Question, do you check when you wipe or internally? And also do you check your cervix? Mine had been high since Monday & was low the week before.

I'm absolutely temping next month xx

@MeghanV07 I don't think I have but ah well. It's been a rough month. No I just wipe and it's there. I can feel when I'm different down there in general. During sex and other stuff so I just go with what my body feels! X

@Delilah7 Yeah I used to check by wiping but now I'm crazier I'm trying to check internally and it's just wet 😂🤦🏽‍♀️.

TTC is the only one TMI is acceptable and I'm so glad 😂 .

I don't know if it's worth to start temping tomorrow? No time like the present and all that 😌. I just don't want to turn crazy 😔

Xxx

@MeghanV07 I'm leaving the internal check alone. I know I'm ovulating. I can feel it so :) I'm happy with the day's I've done it and will do another one tonight xxxx