TTC after stillbirth

[toots123]

Just wondering if anyone else is ttc after a stillbirth and wanted to join me on this very daunting journey?

Hi everyone, just wanted to pop on here and say hello and to wish all of you all the best, also so sorry that you are here.

@Bumbers I’m so sorry to hear of your loss, hope you’re taking care of yourself at this difficult time.

Just wanted to share my story to give you some hope. My little boy was stillborn @36 weeks just before Christmas 2012, he was a twin, his twin was born alive. The autopsy showed no reason for him passing. So we had the strange/sad/happy/brutal situation of one baby surviving and one passing away. That was a very weird first year. A lot of people said “oh well at least you have this one” – wtaf, but I won’t get into all the stupid things people have said over the years – you know it all most likely. He is now 5 yrs. When he was 15 months we fell pregnant again, we weren’t trying but weren’t not trying – amazing really considering we’re trying again now and I can’t imagine being that relaxed! The subsequent pregnancy was so so hard, so stressful. I hated every minute of it and I had a bit of a mantra to myself saying I would only celebrate when the live baby was in my arms. I see a lot of you are the same here – I totally get it. I did have great support from the midwives. I was under consultant care which was ok but as I saw a different consultant each time I would have to explain to them why I was high risk at each visit (they NEVER read the bloody notes, ever). I remember one time giving the consultant a total mouthful for not reading the notes whilst bursting into a flood of tears “WHY CAN’T YOU READ MY NOTES!”, he was very sheepish, and so he should have been. That was an emotional rollercoaster – knowing that at each visit I would have to relive the whole stillbirth again and again. So make sure to ask the consultant to read your notes before they even open their mouths, as that’s what I did in the last few months as I was so sick of the visits. The midwives were much better in being prepped for me which I was thankful for. DS3 was born Christmas 2014, via VBAC. I was shitting myself for the whole labour but also felt very in control of my body, a very weird feeling, I think it must have been my primal instinct as I didn’t think I would be like that. I was monitored very closely by the head midwife on call (awesome woman). When he was born he was struggling to breathe, not seriously, but as I was so shitting myself I shouted at the MW to “Get him off me and sort him out, I can’t have him die!!”. I put a fire under her arse and she rang the emergency bell and he was sorted out quick smart while I looked on, still shitting myself. I was so happy to be put in the normal ward with all the mums and live babies, I didn’t even care that I was kept in for a week with DS, he was alive so what else could I want! We’re TTC again, we’ve always wanted 3 here with us. I’ve had two MMCs this year already but I’m strong and will keep trying until another baby is live in my arms. I feel anxious but know I can have a live baby and hope it will happen again. I may pop on a bit from time to time to check in.

Hugs to all

Oh and if anyone has any questions about anything you think I may be able to answer please just ask, I had a million questions post stillbirth and whilst preg the second time.

Take care all

Hello @PartyintheKitchen and thank you for sharing. I hope you stay here with us and join us all in getting our healthy babies in our arms next year.

Hi @partyinthekitchen and thanks for sharing, it means a lot.

That 'at least' comment reminded me of something my mum said just a week later... 'At least you can get pregnant and you know, sometimes these things are sent to try us' I can still remember it clearly now (one of the few things in those first few weeks) and wonder what on earth she was thinking but... i have come to realise that people say the most awkward and inappropriate things as they feel the need to say something to try and comfort you.

That is disappointing about the consultants, we have been advised that future management would be by one consultant not a bloody collection! But we havent had our follow up yet so not sure what the future pregnancy plan is yet.

Hi @PartyintheKitchen and thanks for joining, it's a comfort to hear from ppl who have done a whole pregnancy after loss already.
We have been assured that we will only see one consultant and that if she's not available my case will be handed over to one other one that I have already met.
We were already a high risk pregnancy with our dd who died, we were being seen by a number of different clinics and in my pregnancy with her I was seen by 9 different consultants. After she died at 27 weeks I wrote them all a letter basically asking how she could have died when I was being 'cared' for by so many people, I feel like we never had a lead consultant in charge who was making overall decisions and who I knew to contact if I had concerns. Anyway it will be very different going forward, I just wanted to let others know that one consultant is possible, you may have to push for it is all.

Thanks @Lilaclris for that. I generally find the boards hard going as it’s hard to explain how stillbirth affects your attitude to subsequent pregnancies and life in general, it really changes so much in relation to how you look at the world. I found for me mc wasn’t in the same ballpark as stillbirth, caveat that I would never presume to speak for anyone else and their thoughts on that as it is a very personal thing.

@39Suzy, that’s very hard what your Mum said. I’m sorry you had to hear that. My brother asked me when I told him “did they tell you that you had done anything wrong?” – I was speechless with that one. Imagine thinking I had done something wrong. It still hurts now. Even nearly 6 years later I remember the hurtful comments as clearly as if they were being said now. But I also remember the handful of amazing people who helped me and comforted me, that also stays with me to today.

Re consultant, I was promised that I would see the same consultant throughout the pregnancy but it just didn’t happen. I think I ended up seeing 5 different people in the end. It wasn’t for the lack of requests on my side, I continually asked at each appointment and before the next appointment “please can I see the same person this time as I have a history of stillbirth”, they just didn’t have the resources to meet my needs. I was in St Thomas’ so a super busy hospital. Maybe it’s better in other hospitals. The midwives were great though, I was placed in a high risk MW team and they were always very sensitive and helpful.

@Miami81 I'm really glad to hear you had one consultant, well done you on your letter writing. I do think actions like this can make all the difference. In hindsight I should have been more forceful but I just felt so lost.

Thanks for the welcome ladies, you've made my day.

Hey @PartyintheKitchen it hasn't happened yet. Still waiting on a bfp (although have only started trying). Yeah the ladies from SANDS said that the only way anything changes is if bereaved parents complain so I did!!

@Miami81 Sorry, I should be on top of all the ttc/bfp info It's a great idea, totally agree and good on you. Fingers crossed it gets you that one point throughout your next pregnancy.

I would also recommend finding out if there's a high risk MW team (like a specific caseload team) linked to your hospital, I was under the care of the St Thomas' caseload team second time around and it made all the difference. They took care of me throughout the pregnancy, were at the birth and came to see me postnatally (I think I just made that word up). There were 5 of them and by the time I was discharged I knew all of them very well.

I agree with you about a miscarriage being different @PartyintheKitchen, although I reacted very differently to my 15 week miscarriage than I did to my 9 week one, and I am certain that losing your baby at 23+6 feels exactly the same as 24 weeks, even if one is technically a miscarriage and the other one isn’t.

I was high risk in my pregnancy and saw either the same consultant or else his registrar throughout but, assuming there is a next time, I will insist on only seeing the consultant and at least I have already had a meeting with her to discuss her plans so would hope she would remember me at each appointment now. The only problem is that it is a smallish hospital and I worry that if similar happens again or I have a premature baby, the SCBU is only from 31 weeks. I don’t know whether to go to a bigger hospital that doesn’t know me but then that could mean seeing several different consultants. I have a feeling I will endless worry about it.

Does everyone else plan to go back to the same hospital? I know what happened was nothing to do with any of the staff there but I also know the consultant’s plan is to deliver around 36 weeks and for the baby to have a short stay in SCBU. I already feel scared about going back there again and I don’t know how I will cope with seeing another baby of mine attached to life support in the same place my daughter died.

@LilacIris I would have been going back to the same hospital but we are actually in the process of moving from the North East to the North West so I'm getting in touch with my consultant today to start my treatment and find out the best route from here!
The thought of the transition is already making me nervous!! X

I have lost a baby at 5ish weeks and 23w+6d and it is very different. Don't get me wrong, i am not suggesting that at 5w people don't grieve, but to give birth to a ' 'baby' i had seen moving and felt kicking for me made it very different. But it isn't just the baby you grieve for, it is the hopes and dreams, milestone birthdays and events, what they would have looked like, sounded like, things they liked and disliked that you also grieve for too. And i guess it depends how far down the road of imagining all that which makes a difference to how you grieve.

Did a test today on a whim as my boobs have been heavy and sensitive but it was BFN.... i knew it would be but still have a few more days until AF assuming my app has got my cycle right. Feel annoyed with myself even though i knew it would be negative!!!

'If' we get pregnant again we will go to the same hospital....DH said early on he couldnt face going back (and we have a choice of two) but i wasnt too bothered. And the consultant staff alternate between the two anyway.

Hope you are feeling OK and positive (as you can be) about tomorrow Bumbers. Will be thinking of you x

Thanks all. Will be pleased when it is over. Hope everyone else is doing ok.

Have been thinking of you today @Bumbers

Me too @bumbers 😚 hope it all went well, sending hugs x

Thanks all. It went fine. Glad it is over. As @Suzy39 says, for me losing this pregnancy at 10 weeks wasnt as catastrophically bad as losing the twins at 23 weeks.

It has been nice having a bit of time off work today to hopefully help to start processing it all.

@partyinthekitchen Thank you for sharing. It is good to hear people who have had some positive outcomes alongside all the pain. I can't believe people said that about your twins. I am also at Tommys and so have read your comments about care, if we ever get to that stage again. We lost our twins at Christmas and so we were out of area with family and so think it will be extra hard to get our notes in the system.

Good to hear from you @bumbers hope you enjoy the sunshine with your time off work.

I have been feeling crampy over the last few days with the tiniest bit of spotting, today i have felt nauseas all day. Last time i has nausea at 3w 4d which made me test. Going to wait until Sunday and see as although the test was negative on Wednesday, i think it would have been way too early (if my LP is shorter than usual like last month then 5 days before period would only be about 8dpo). Not holding out much hope but is a bit odd.

How is your week going @toots123

@bumbers
I am glad that all went to plan at least today. Take it easy and give yourself a chance to heal and recover over the next while.
@39Suzy ha ha I think we are close timing wise. I am planning to test on Monday maybe at cd24, my cycles are normally only 27 days so that would be 4 days before missed period. We shall see. DH is away all day on Tuesday so maybe best to wait until he gets back. I don't think I am. Don't feel pregnant, but don't exactly feel normally pre-menstrual either.......

🤞 for you @miami81

@Bumbers Good to hear from you - I was thinking of you on Thursday. Take care this weekend xx

@39Suzy and @Miami81 Fingers massively crossed for you both! Really hope it's good news.

Nothing major to report here. We've been trying on the off-chance of catching the first egg (I know it's early but I'm sure you won't judge). My app is thoroughly confused (!) but I'm plugging in symptoms just in case. EWCM was the best predictor last time for me so we'll see if I can manage to spot that.

@PartyintheKitchen Thank you so much for sharing your story. I am so sorry for your loss but so thrilled to hear about your rainbow. It's definitely so helpful to hear of positive stories - thank you sharing so openly and for your advice x

Oh and regarding "at least..." comments, the consultant actually said during the ultrasound to confirm no heartbeat "at least you know you can have a healthy child" (we have a 3yo). Not much comfort right now, Doc 😬

@nutellaoffthespoon we have had 2 mc before dd was stillborn and the consultant at the post mortem meeting said 'now we just need to get you to the end of a pregnancy', I was like really. That's what you have to say to me - my baby died at 27 weeks for no apparent reason and your flippant comment is how do we keep you pregnant for 10 weeks more. Asshole. She is not our consultant anymore and if I see her again I might kick her.

@Miami81 Urgh - that's unbelievable. I'm not surprised about what you'd do to her!

We had a hideous experience when registering the stillbirth and the senior registrar is one of the only people in the world I wish genuinely terrible things on because of her lack of compassion.

Most of the "foot in mouth" moments we've experienced I can see people were just trying to comfort us - but a couple have been truly hurtful.

@nutellaoffthespoon sorry that you had a tough time with the official stuff. We had rang ahead and made an appt, and when we arrived we said we had an appt and the guy behind the desk was all like "for what", DH and I couldn't speak. I started crying. I know the guy needed to know, but what was the actual point of ringing and making a private appt when you still have to say 'to register our babies stillbirth'. The registrar was lovely when she came out to get us.
There has to be ways of making that whole process smoother.

@miami81 that is terrible 😔 i agree, there has to be something done to make it as easy as possible for parents, and feesing back i think will help.

Yesterday i got a parcel through.... i was all excited until i realised it was a 'excited' bit of direct marketing with some Johnsons samples for my 'newborn'. I had a website that i submitted my details on which in theory should have stopped these mailings (i think it was on the Tommys website i found it) but this must have slipped through. Made me feel so sad.