TTC after stillbirth

[toots123]

Just wondering if anyone else is ttc after a stillbirth and wanted to join me on this very daunting journey?

That should say feeding back 🙈

Oh @39Suzy I'm so sorry. That sucks. We are in Scotland and the only useful thing my midwife did after our loss was figure out how to cancel the baby box.
I think I remember doing something similar for the marketing stuff, it worked I think (or DH spirited things away before I saw them). However online is tough. Facebook ads and Instagram ads all about babies. No matter how many times I tell them it's not relevant and to fuck off.

@39Suzy Oh that's awful. So sorry it slipped through 😔.

I ordered loads of baby clothes three days before we found out there was no heartbeat. They were coming from abroad and took ages to ship so I tried to cancel them so I wouldn't be upset when they arrived. I didn't hear back and they arrived a week or so later - and it actually wasn't as bad as I thought... Then a coupe of weeks later I got a really lovely email from customer service apologising really sincerely and offering their condolences. It was actually really really lovely - felt very personal. Plus they felt so bad they refunded me (but clearly that really wasn't the point!!).

@Miami81 I ordered a book off Amazon about grieving a stillbirth. A few days later I get an email suggesting all sorts of baby care books from them . Stupid sodding algorithms.

@nutellaoffthespoon that is bad. I read a book this week about grief. Did you find yours useful?

@39Suzy Really good - me and my husband both read it independently and both found it really helpful.

Not all the ideas are particularly helpful but we both found a lot of stuff that resonated.

We're going to donate some copies to the hospital as part of our fundraising.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Healing-Grieving-Heart-After-Stillbirth-ebook/dp/B00B0SA9TI/ref=mpssa111?ie=UTF8&qid=1530976466&sr=8-1&pi=ACSX2366SY340QL65&keywords=stillbirth

I've been AWOL again!!
How is everyone?
I'm so so sorry for your loss @bumbers take care of yourself. Sending lots of love at this hard time. I hope you can get the testing you want at the hospital.

Fx for everyone close to testing (anyone any tests to share today?!)

I've been reading saying goodbye and found it so helpful.

Still waiting on a positive opk here but we've been dtd anyway just to be sure we don't miss it.
Still catching up here...

Thanks for sharing your story @PartyintheKitchen I'm so sorry you find yourself here. This is a lovely group and a great support though!

@miami81 im also in Scotland. Nice to see a fellow Scot here

Hey @toots123
I've lived in Scotland for almost 15 years (so can just about carry off a small bit of an accent), but I'm Irish. Was going to go home a while ago, but then I met my lovely Scottish husband so decided to stick around.
So on the testing front. Tested this morning and it's just faintly positive. Shitting a brick now. Could I fast forward to at least 12 wks now please? We have miscarried twice before dd was stillborn, so it basically feels inevitable that we will miscarry again.
Day by day. Every day is a new day and today I am pregnant. That's hard to say, the guilt is ferocious, I had assumed it would be, but jeepers. I keep apologising to dd in my head.

@Miami81 I know it is scary, but that is wonderful news! Have everything crossed for you!!

Hi all, our son died at 38 weeks earlier this year. He was delivered 5 days later after a hellish induction, during which my birthday happened. We haven't had PM results yet.
We're ttc without investing too much in it-not least as my cycle seems to be completely unsettled. It would have been helpful if I'd been warned about that. The lack of control or certainty over my own body felt like a huge betrayal after everything else (I also had milk starting to come in weeks afterwards).
It's all so hard. I just wanted to add my moral support to everyone on this thread.

Welcome @Testar0ssa, although I am so sorry you have to join our group. I also had milk after we lost out babies and then it took 8 weeks for AF and then random cycle lengths flipping between 35 and 28 days. I think others have found similar. I also feel totally betrayed by my body and hate the lack of control. I hope that things settle down for you.

Hi @Testar0ssa and welcome. I am so so sorry for your loss. I had to ask at the hospital about milk suppression tablets, someone on here (on a different thread) actually recommended that I ask about them. The midwife was horrified that someone hadn't already given it to me. It really pisses me off that they don't just sort as a matter of course.
My cycles took 11 weeks to get a period. I have been lucky that they seemed to regularise very quickly from there. But I was freaking out that I was broken forever after waiting 11 weeks for one.

@Testar0ssa Welcome to the thread; I'm so very sorry for the loss that brings you here. Wishing you luck on your TTC journey.

@Miami81 I'm so thrilled for you! Totally get your feelings about day-by-day. But for today, huge congratulations. I hope beyond hope for a smooth journey ahead for you x

Gentle congratulations @Miami81 and I’m sure that guilt is a very normal reaction. Are you still talking through your feelings with anyone or can you ask for a referral to the perinatal mental health team so you get extra support straightaway?

I’m sorry for your loss @Testar0ssa. I was given medication to stop my milk coming in when I was in hospital, so this may have sped up my cycle returning (or maybe it made no difference, I don’t know) but it took me 13 weeks for my period to return. I’ve found after every pregnancy, my cycles have been sporadic and unpredictable. Do you have much longer to wait for your PM results?

I hope everyone has had a gentle weekend.

Fingers firmly crossed @Miami81 I can well imagine the swirling emotions... be kind and gentle with yourself.

Thanks, @LilacIris I did have the milk suppressing drugs but, weeks later, I had a few nights of milk. So odd, and upsetting. Although my consultant was brilliant, I wish I'd been told what to expect. I guess they didn't want to flood with lots of information when you're not exactly receptive. My GP encouraged me to write to set out what was not helpful, and anything that was, so that they can learn. That task seems very weighty though and I haven't yet attempted it.

They warned us it might take 6 months for the PM (end of summer). So far all the preliminary tests have come back normal though.

Am contemplating doing some bereavement counselling. Has anyone had any?

Thank you @Testar0ssa just trying to take a day by day approach. As we all know, anything can happen and there are no guarantees in life.
I am doing bereavement counselling with SANDS. We are going as a couple and I must say it has been really helpful so far, in that it is our safe space to say things to each other that we don't maybe say day to day for fear of upsetting each other.
Things like being pissed off with each other's families for how little they are supporting us. How hard some things are. We didn't start until 6 months after loss.
I had separate counselling as well, a 6 week session through my work. Which was great, I was able to blurt out all the guilt and pain in a safe place.
I genuinely couldn't recommend it highly enough.
Just be aware that sometimes counselling struggles if you struggle with the person. Iykwim.
But definitely worth doing.

@Testar0ssa I can imagine that was upsetting. My tablets didn’t stop the milk altogether but it was really minimal - kind of how it has been before at the end of my pregnancies rather than when feeding. My hospital sent me a letter asking me for feedback, although they sent it after I got the PM results. I got my PM reaults after three months and then went back a couple of months later for more information from a different consultant. I haven’t returned the feedback form yet but I will do. As well as specific questions it has plenty of scope to include anything else that I found good, bad, helpful, comforting, could have been improved etc. I think it is a good idea but, like you, I find it quite weighty. I hope there aren’t any further delays to getting the PM results and they are able to provide you with answers.

I’m going to SANDS meetings and talking to friends about my feelings but no specific bereavement counselling. I’m trying to work out when/if I can return to work and whether I can ever go back to the place I used to work. I still have some awful days and have a cry at least once on most days. I also have a strong element of not really caring anymore about a lot of things that I consider to be insignificant, which I can well imagine will include work deadlines for something that can easily wait. My whole attitide to what I deem is important has really changed. Has anyone else found that?

How are you feeling today @Miami81? Hope everyone else is ok.

@39Suzy so sorry you had to deal with the marketing, horrible. Hope you’re doing ok today.

@Bumbers hope you’re physically feeling better this week. Yes re Tommy’s, push to get your notes on the system and to get yourself under the caseload midwife team. For now, make sure to take time for yourself as you’ve had a rough few weeks.

@Miami81 congrats on your BFP, I would love to fast forward to 12 weeks for you, hope you’re feeling well. Guilt is totally normal but try not to be too hard on yourself

I agree re counselling being a good thing to do, I went for similar and used it to vent about my ILs and their wtf responses to me (think FIL taking pictures of me after DSs funeral “say cheese!”), I had so much anger, I can contain it a bit better now thankfully. But you will also learn techniques to help understand and manage emotions, I definitely needed that.

@Testar0ssa Sorry you find yourself here and for the loss of your son. I hope your body settles down soon.

I’m 1 dpo today, we nearly missed my ov day as I have been a bit lax with ov testing and ov seems to have kicked off earlier than usual this month (trying to be chilled about the whole thing – think that’s a fail!), managed to dtd a couple of times so fingers crossed.

Congratulations @Miami81! That is great news!

I tested yesterday and messed it up.... didnt leave the stick in lomg enough so put it back in about 20 minutes later (with a second wee) when i realised the control line hadnt come up.... thought it was negative then remembered that it can take ten minutes. So.... aftet getting it out the bin about ten times, i 'think' i can see a slight blue tinged line (no grey or white tinge although it could be evap) . So i retrieved the other test out the bin (the one i took the other day) and i cant see a line on that at all.... Still feel nauseas so i am going to retest in a few days.

Welcome @testar0ssa and i am sorry you find yourself here. I had the milk supressing drug although i had to ask. I dont think it is something dispensed automatically as standard (barbaric though that is).

I havent had any formal counselling.... few chats with the bereavement MW and lots of long teary chats with friends. Thanks for those book recommendations ladies. I think that is more my style than a 'group' setting.

PS i know you are all thinking 'how can you mess up a pregnancy test?'.... i was so nervous.... muppet 🙈👍😁

A slightly different place in the story here.

I'm my mother's first child. A year before I was born, healthy and well, my parents went through a stillbirth at full term. My parents both said it was devastating and that when people said it will get easier and you can go on, it seemed impossible, but then that's exactly what happened.

They still note the day every year, a few tears, the child has a name and she is referred to as "your sister", so she is very real to them. I also know they have peace and acceptance now. After I was born, within a couple of years they had my younger sibling was born, no problems, healthy and happy.

So I am the little shining star of hope here in the story. We exist, here in future to cause you sleepless nights and huge university debts:)

Hang in there xxx

@LuMarie thank you. One of my friends is a 'rainbow baby' and her name is kind of derived from the same meaning as her sister that died, which she really likes.
My boss is also a 'rainbow' after his mom lost twins at 28 weeks.
My mom is a miracle baby, her mother buried 3 babies before a magical doctor figured out what was happening (she had rhesus issues in rural Ireland in early 50's before that was understood and before anti-d existed).
It does help to know that people manage to live through this pain. And that there is joy and a new normal out there.

@LilacIris I have been back to work part time since Christmas. I couldn't give a flying fig about it most of the time, but it gets me out of the house and they have all been lovely.
Just go with what you feel.

Thank you for that reassurance @LuMarie. I hope you don’t mind me asking but I would really be interested in some of your views. I don’t mean any offence at all and it could just be the way you have phrased your post rather than how you feel but you say you are your mother’s first child. Do your parents consider you to be their first child and do you feel that you are? I just feel I will always include my dead daughter when being asked how many children I have and what order they arrived. As you grew up was your sister very real to you or just to them? Also, do you note the day and does it have any meaning to you or do you see it as something your parents do and when they go, your sister’s memory will also go with them? Growing up did you just accept and always know that you had an older sister who came before you but didn’t live and how did you feel about it?