TTC after stillbirth

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Just wondering if anyone else is ttc after a stillbirth and wanted to join me on this very daunting journey?

@39Suzy So sorry to hear you’ve had a hard start back. It’s very tough. You’ve done the first day now, so, deep breath, you’ll never have to do the first day again. This year will be a year of firsts for you. First day back at work, first anniversary etc Well done and so sorry you had to face your diary and the “you” of your previous life, the happy go lucky 39Suzy who didn’t have a care in the world. That is tough. Best of luck with tww too, fingers crossed for you.

I remember physically shaking walking into the office on my first day back. Nobody said anything to me about my stillbirth, not one person. It was so hard. I know they found it hard to bring it up but I felt very lonely that day and in those first weeks. I had a job that required interaction with lots and lots of clients and I quickly realised that my manager hadn’t told a lot of people. So I spent the next few weeks/months telling people that one of my twins didn’t make it. I even broke down sobbing in a client’s office – it was horrible. They were so nice of course when they realised. But my manager should have managed that for me to some extent. He honestly didn’t think it was an issue.

So, please be nice to yourself (that goes for everyone here). Don’t push yourself if you’re not able. It’s perfectly ok to say “I can’t come in today, I need a day”. There’s only so much one person can cope with in a short space of time.

Belfast was cool. We did the Titanic museum and I hit the shops a bit while dh chilled at the hotel. Great buzzy scene there, perfect for a short wknd. I would recommend.

@partyinthekitchen that makes me so sad that your manager didnt do more.... i emailed mine yesterday to ask her to send a note out to the team to say 1) i am in today and 2) what is ok (talking about it is fine, but i may change the subject, not talking about it is also fine but do ask me how i am and tell me your news as i want to hear it. Dont just ignore me out of fear and also made a point about how isolating this situation is). Most external contacts (who knew i was pregnant) i contacted myself fairly early on as have worked with them for years and the other two, i contacted on last week and one today by email. My manager did ask what i wanted weeks ago but couldnt think straight at the time.

I know there will be a few people that dont know (mostly internal) but will have to cross that bridge when it comes to it... by now i think word has spread (based on a few people's reactions this morning when they saw me and almost climbed up their own arse rather than say anything beyond 'Hiiii' whilst looking away quickly.... like a shifty puppet eye movement that screams 'Fucking awkward'). It is so disappointing that people in general , not just work collegues, cant find anything to say. Easy to ignore the fact ☹

I cried a lot this morning (which i feel embarassed about now) but i think if i was your client, or one of my collegues and looking from the outside in to this, i wouldnt think any less of you/me. Just how much brave we are. Hoping tomorrow is better.

Belfast sounds lovely! Perfect weekend! 😁

I have booked to go to Venice for my birthday in December so nice to have something to look forward to. And have 5 weeks holiday to take too before December so plenty of time off to look forward to as well.

Oh @39Suzy well done for going in and also for taking a bit of initiative in what was ok and not ok.
I didn't do that, but again I found myself in a slightly surreal situation where I was the third very significant loss in the office in 2017. We are a pretty small company and one of the guys who has been there since first day his wife died of cancer earlier in the year. Then the managing director and his wife (who both work in the office) lost their grown up son in a freak accident (in August, I was 24 weeks pregnant at his funeral). So when it came to my return to work both my colleague who had lost his wife and the bosses wife had rang me and talked to me about how I was feeling about coming back.
I got a lot of hugs and silent hands on back type moments in those first few days, people genuinely don't know what to say and sometimes it is best to not say anything.
One of my lovely colleagues put his foot in it with 'I know you said that your pregnancy was high risk but I am sure you weren't expecting this', no no I wasn't expecting my baby to die, you dick!!!
Anyway. Nothing much else to report from me, full drugs regime is in play now, didn't sleep a wink last night wondered if it was maybe to do with the fragmin/ heparin.
Nothing much planned, DH 40th is at the end of August so am taking him away to the lakes for a long weekend then.
DD's first birthday/ anniversary is the end of sept so we are going away to west of Scotland for that week, We didn't want to go foreign but didn't want to be in the house either.
I have no holidays at all left this year somehow, oh well, if I need more I will just take them.

@miami81 😂🙈 seriously, someone said that??? I bet they felt stupid too.

Wow that is a lot of tragedy in a short time but nice you had that support too.

Well.... today is another day, still feel teary but need to just pull myself together and get on with it. I wish i could just fast forward a few months and be in a better place again. But i said that in April and all of a sudden, we were in July, the last few months a blur, with a bit of light at the end of the tunnel. No choice but to keep moving forward.... the days are long but time is going quick. Makes no sense...!

Lovely news @Miami81 about your scan. Your colleague is an idiot! Some people are much better off just staying silent.

I’m in my fertile week as well @PartyintheKitchen although no positive opk yet. Hopefully it won’t be long.

Big hug @39Suzy and I hope this week at work is over for you soon.

I have lots of ovulation signs so starting to get stressed that we will miss the crucial egg this month, which is something I always do at ovulation time. I’ve just spent the morning with a pregnant friend and will be seeing another one this afternoon, but think I am doing well with it. Not convinced it will be the same once they have big bumps or newborns but taking it one step at a time for now. At least I can honestly and genuinely say that I am ok about them being pregnant and obviously hope things go well for them.

How is everyone? I hope you are all ok. Even though I am not always that good at posting, I do check in frequently.

The pregnant lady at my work finally had her baby today. It's a boy. So I'm maybe more ok then if it had been a girl. I don't want to see any photos and if she comes into the office I may hide in a meeting room. I really don't want the first newborn I see after dd dying to be someone from work and also in front of everyone at work. I will totally cry so really there is no need to do that to myself.
Generally ok at the moment. I had hypnotherapy last night again and I really do think it helped a lot. She is focusing on not catastrophising stuff.

Oh @Miami81 that is hard. I know what you mean about coping with baby boys being easier than girls (I lost a girl and I am sure I would feel girls were easier in that scenario). Is there any chance that a manager can message her to find out if/when she is coming into work so you can make sure you are not there?

@miami81 sending you a hug. She is probably (assuming she is a normal human being) feeling awkward about coming in too. Definitely try and remove yourself (just slip out if you dont have any prior warning) as you dont need it at the time.

None of my collegues have mentioned my collegue / work friend that is currently on mat leave ( gave birth beginning of June) since i have been back at work this week although found out by accident that she had been in while i was off but they 'didnt want to tell me'. The most hurtful thing is that i have messaged her twice, once to say 'enjoy your mat leave' and once to say congrats when the baby was born and suggest we met up when she was ready for visitors / geting out (she couldnt wait to do that when i was pregnant!). She politely replied but hasnt been in touch since and she has decided she won't be (found out from someone else that she doent want to upset me). I say fuck her...

At the same time one of my closest friends has not been in touch since i text her to say hi and how you getting on several weeks ago. I know she will have a lot on but still hurt she hasnt bothered to get in touch despite professing to 'thinking about me a lot'... clearly not enough to bother texting.

I haven't come face to face with a newborn (and probably wont as have blocked any pregnant people from my social media to cover the digital world) and unless i physically bump into someone by accident, have no plans to meet any just yet.

Anyway what i was getting at as she (and your collegues) will probably feel uncomfortable 'in case they upset you' so will probably be glad to give you a swerve (it is horrible isnt it to feel that is what people are doing!!!) so as @lilaciris says, just have that chat with your manager and and be somewhere else thinking positive thoughts about that little heartbeat beating away in you (baby not yours). Glad to hear the hypno is going well xx

@miami do you have anything nice planned for your little one's anniversary?

So good you have some bits to look forward to as well, i think i stings a bit as it reminds you of your 'alternative plans' with your baby that is no longer there but equally gives life a bit of focus too

The rest of my week at work was Ok (apart from the office dickhead being a dickhead to me). Most people said something more than hello but ignored what has happened... a few people asked how i was doing (and meant it) but could count on one hand. Noone asked anything awkward which was one of my greatest fears but also disappointed by the quite a few people who have ignored me or said nothing (ordinarily they would stop and chat). You can see the fear in their eyes (kind of amusing if you have a weird sense of humour!). All in all, ok.... i feel like it has compounded everything i dislike about my job (idleness of my manager, the office dickhead, the endless admin that noone has done or appreciates) and being the 'outgoing, super positive people person' i am just so not feeling at the moment.

I was thinking of looking elsewhere but if i get pregnant, how does that work with mat leave? One of my collegues announced she was 17 weeks pregnant a few weeks after starting her job.... was not popular!

Ps how has your FW gone @partyinthekitchen and @lilaciris

@39Suzy thank you. And well done for making it through the rest of the week.
The lady who had the baby has a close personal friend who had a stillbirth a few years ago so whilst she is not my personal cup of tea, she does get it and has been really considerate in not making a big deal of her pregnancy at work. So I assume she will be the same when she does come in, it's not actually her or the baby that is freaking me out, it's everyone looking at me and assuming I am going to freak out, or I don't know go mad and grab the baby and run. I just hate that everyone assumes that I am unstable.
I have been back at work for over 6 months now and I still get a sick joy from the panicked look in some peoples eyes when they see me. I can clear the office kitchen faster then a stink bomb, it's really handy when I need a cuppa and there is a queue.
I just remind myself that they are just ordinary people who don't really mean any harm.
On the mat leave front I am not certain. Have you been on mat leave or sick? I should have been on mat leave but actually ended up as pregnancy related sick as my works sick leave policy is better then the mat leave one (money wise) and they really didn't want to see me out of pocket on top of everything else. I am on part time at the moment and I think it is your pay between week 17 and 25 that counts towards calculation of maternity pay entitlement. Also worth noting whether your current work has any kind of top up to statutory pay? If they do it might be worth sticking around as in a new work it may take 2 year to accrue entitlements.

@39Suzy we are going away to the west of Scotland for the week. Just to breath and take it all in. I think we will take some of her bits and pieces with us, but I think we will mainly focus on getting through the day and celebrating that she existed with us for 27 weeks. Our families are both being a bit useless so I reckon we will just keep it low key for us.

Ugh just typed a massive long reply which bloody disappeared!!

@miami81 have been on sick leave as i was 23w 6d so didnt qualify for mat leave. Presumably if i moved companies already i would get statutory mat which is what i would get if i stayed where i am so i guess wouldnt be put of pocket. Just need to look into it.... i think the grassis always greener and kind of kicking myself for not looking whilst i was off but had the view of better the devil you know.

Part 2!.... @miami81 your comments about ither people's reactions made me laugh! I am glad i am not the only one that gets a kick out of this. Like you said, it is their problem. A girl i usually chat to a lot has returned from mat leave whilst i have been off and kind of did a little dance (looking for a quick move away from me) when she was working out if i was going to break my stride and actually stop and say anything beyond hi. I think it has made me feel a bit lonely and unpopular as normally i chat to so many people due to my role and having been there for so long.

I think people also underestimate how strong you have to be through necessity not choice in all areas of your life. I want to point out sometimes that i am not interested in someone else's baby, i just want my own back. We are not all lunatic baby-snatchers. I am anticipating a card signing / birth announcement from one of my male collegues imminently. Thankfully he isnt in the office much and he has moved desks since i have been off (nothing to do with me i may add) but i know it is there and eyes will be on me to see what i do. I have kind of anticipated this in my note that was sent out when i went back saying it is fine to mention other babies, you aren't reminding me.

@miami81 Scotland sounds lovely. And a great idea to take some bits. Maybe a good walk and spell out her name in stones on the mountainside? I bought a candle with his intial on and although i havent done anything with it, i know it is there.

Families can be unpredictable. We have finally put a photo up in our newly decorated bedroom. Dad and stepmum were here last week and completely ignored it... dad is of the 'not talk about it' school whereas my stepmum has spoken about it the first time i saw her, i got upset (natural given that less than 4 weeks before my world had ended) and she promptly shut up and said she wouldnt mention it again 😂 My mum has been a bit more open and honest and told me how gutted she was and still is and has thought about him a lot (and asked for photos). She (and my step dad) bought me a beautiful angel charm to go on my charm bracelet and had it engraved, i know they went to a lot of trouble. And mum keeps asking for updates on any progress with the hospital etc which shows she cares. I think bear with.... they probably do care (and know what is coming up). Sands do a leaflet for grandparents which i gave to mine. Basically it explains the emotions of the loss, the guilt (of upsetting your parents) and the natural but unusual position of grieving for a baby (and all the hopes and dreams). Everyone is different and suggests taking the lead from the child (asking if need be) about what they would like them to do / say. I think you can download it online xx

@39Suzy I'm really sorry that your friend has been a bit shit. Hopefully she is just wrapped up in new baby bubble and isn't really willfully ignoring you. Most people don't want to cause pain it's just that actually lost people are selfish (not unkindly) they just prioritise their stuff and when shit gets hard they don't know what to do.
My dad can't say DD's name and hasn't looked at pictures but only because he gets overwhelmed with emotion himself when he tries. They are all in bits they are just really shit at telling me that as they fear that their grief can't possibly compare to ours, whereas I am more like we are all in this together guys. And it comforts me to know that they are grieving too. Anyway we are getting a bit better at it.

*most not lost.......

Hi everyone.
Just catching up with your updates.
The treating you like you're unstable thing struck a chord with me. I've had a pretty shitty time at work recently, which is the result of someone else's inappropriate behaviour, and at another time, I could just brush it off. Now however it's left me feeling vulnerable and shaky.

We finally got PM results back. It is as we thought. The only silver lining is that there isn't another cause I have to get my head around. I can't quite get over the fact that if he had been delivered a day earlier, he'd be here now. He was ready, he was term.... but the dice didn't fall as everyone expected.

I'm amazed I can stand upright. I feel like there's a gaping hole right through my core.

Sending moral support to everyone x

@miami81 yeah i dont blame people for being shit (i have been in their shoes when my friend had a stillbirth so i get that sometimes it is easier to do nothing and ignore it) but i think i am getting to the stage where it has made me reassess a few people too, especially when i have made a big brave effort to put myself out there.

Could you try and involve your parents / in laws in your activity? I should say that actually when i asked my dad if he wanted some pictures, he replied almost straightaway to say yes. They may jump at the chance to do something together?

After a chat on the FB group i was looking at Christmas decs and forget-me-not seeds i think there are plenty of ways to involve the wider family.

Ah that is good news @tessa0ssa you have got the results but rubbish to live with at the same time. It is so bittersweet but hope it gives you the strength to move forward also.

Vulnerability is a good word. I have felt so nervous about so many things this week (picking up the phone, walking to meet a colleague) so unlike me at all.

Stay strong, and look forwards, it wont be like this forever xx

Oh @Testar0ssa I hope you are ok. I found getting the PM results hard. Like you, it was as we thought but also if she had been born a little earlier, everything would be fine and she would be here with us now. Big hug. It’s all so so horrible.

I hope your trip to Scotland is peaceful @Miami81.

I’m sorry your return to work hasn’t been better @39Suzy. As for qualifying for mat leave if you change jobs, as long as you are at the new job before you get pregnant then you will qualify for SMP but you are likely to find you won’t get an enhanced maternity pay until you have been there longer (it will depend upon each individual comapny’s policies) but you would still be entitled to MA which isn’t very different to SMP (apart from the first six weeks).

I still have lots of ovulation signs but no positive opk. I really hope I haven’t missed it.

Thanks @lilaciris i think i will just stay where i am for now.

Hope you get your positive soon x

How is everyone doing?

I am still waiting for AF! Want it to hurry up so we can at least start trying again.

Morning All! As predicted, I'm rubbish at keeping up to date on here. Facebook is going well if anyone is able to join us?

Update from me: I was in complete limbo, bfn at cd48 then on Thursday morning af was still awol so I poas again and got a bfp!!!! Peed on 5 more sticks and all +!!!