TTC after stillbirth

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Just wondering if anyone else is ttc after a stillbirth and wanted to join me on this very daunting journey?

Bracing yourself for others' good news is difficult. And it does feel like you have to brace.

Funny (not funny) you mention nightmares @Miami81 , I'm really suffering with them. At least twice a night. My DH woke me this morning as I was having almost a panic attack in my sleep. I don't know what to do about it. Can you let us know if the hypnotherapy works?

Also, does anyone else feel like the spectre at the feast when others are pregnant? Everyone is happy and excited and the thought doesn't seem to cross their mind that something could go wrong. I feel like I need to shake them to warn them... I obviously don't ever say anything. There are times I feel so utterly broken.

Oh @bumbers i am sorry. Well done on being a really good person to her.
My manager told me this week she is going to be a grandmother.... hadn't told me before in case it upset me. Erm.... Helllllooooo that is not the reason i am 'upset'. In fact i am more upset she didnt just tell me a few weeks ago when i asked if her daughter was still in the family starting mode (she gave her stressful job up last year to start trying and has been doing a bit of work for her husband which had come up in conversation).
I popped into work for a social call with a few of the senior team that i work with this week. Was a very public meeting (in the cafe at head office) so saw loads of people. I had assumed that the lady that was due the same week as me would be on maternity leave as me would have left by now but nope, came face to face pretty much. I just (shamedly) pretended i hadn't seen her and carried on chatting. I am going back on a phased return next Wednesday... just as well as my sick pay goes to half pay from 2 weeks time (i thought i had another 8 weeks at full pay). I know i need to do it and once day one is over, it will be fine but i am feeling pretty apprehensive.
On the baby making front, i am in fertile week this week and very sure i have O'd. Missed out on the first day or two but have made up for it since! 😉

Hope the hypno session goes well @miami81

@testar0essa yep definitely. Nothing is a given and i am envious that i will never enjoy a pregnancy again, your innocence (or ignorance) is ripped away completely 😔

Oh and i have a confession. I was on another forum with a dozen or so ladies for best part of five months whilst i was pregnant. We laughed, cried, shared our journeys, bore our souls and handheld through more than five months of pregnancy. The day after i lost my boy, the admin deleted my username and due date from the pinned post which hurt so much when my heart was breaking anyway. I refused to let myself log in again as couldn't bear to but last week, i did. Not one of them had messaged, asked how i was or asked if anyone had heard off me. They had just carried on as if i had never been there... so i posted a message to say that although i had got the message that i wasnt that welcome, i wished them all well with their new arrivals. A nice gesture but also felt it was a big 'up yours' too. They apologised. It made me feel a bit better but i think it is a massive reflection of real life too. People just turn their back and tiptoe away as that is easier.

Yep I will keep ye posted about hypno. It's all about reprogramming the unconscious part of your mind. We shall see.
Oh yeah I am the spectre, I feel like everywhere I go there are pregnant people and that when they are faced by me they remember that it's not all plane sailing.
Was at a work meeting with one of the guys and his baby is due in a few weeks and we randomly ended up talking about nhs as he had gall bladder surgery a few months ago. I mentioned that the nhs/uk stillbirth numbers are horrendous and that it haunts me every day that if we had pushed for additional scanning when I was freaking out about movements then dd may be here. He almost fell off his chair when I said that if we had been in any other eu country (Poland, Ireland, Croatia etc) that there is every chance that the placenta problems would have been picked up. I honestly think that people thought there was something unavoidably wrong that meant she had to die at 27 weeks and it turns out that is not the case at all. The only way for things to change is for the fucking bubble to burst. I then also mentioned to him that he has probably already read stuff about cotdeath prevention for his baby when it arrives and he said yes he had. Again he was super surprised that actually cot death rates have improved so much that it is 1:10,000 whereas stillbirth is 1:200. He got really worked up on our behalf, it didn't feel great to burst his bubble, but honestly I don't know how anything will change otherwise. Also who is to know who in his life going forward will be affected, someone from one of his classes, someone from his personal life. People need to know. And they need to know that we aren't spectres, we are just people trying to deal with the rawest end of the deal that could possibly exist.

@39Suzy I am so so sorry that your group were like that.
I was on a mn antenatal group for December 2017 and it moved to a closed fb group. I told them what had happened and removed myself from the group. They were really lovely, loads of them got in touch privately. They got us vouchers for a break away and at Christmas when she was due to arrive they sent a Christmas bauble with her name on. The note said that she would always be one of the December 2017 babies. It was really lovely and made me still feel like a mom and one of the group.
I am so sorry that your group were so shit, it is really not helpful when people can't be grown up and empathetic. Assholes

Aw @miami81 that is so sweet of them. I was so hurt at the time but glad i plucked up the courage to be outspoken. Sounds bitter but it just made me realise how fake and bimbo'ish they were. Almost all replied immediately to say i had constantly been in their thoughts and wondering how i was. Bullshit... clearly not enough to bother sending a message and pretty much said that to them 🙈. I also made a point of saying that i had found a group of kind, supportive and understanding strong women (that's you lot by the way 😁) when everyone else failed me. It gave me some satisfaction.

I think I was very lucky with my group and also there were ladies on there who had previously had late losses (diagnosis related) and a stillbirth so I think as a group they just understood more then your average group. Iykwim. There was at least one midwife as well, so again, just having someone there who encounters the realities of loss in her job also helped. I feel they weren't all in the bubble if you see what I mean.

That is so shit @39Suzy . Well done for saying something. I posted infrequently on my antenatal group but then dropped out without saying anything ... I stupidly made the mistake of looking at the group with the pictures of all the safe happy arrivals. I haven't made that mistake again. Totally agree that you need to do whatever helps in that moment-and I'm glad this group is of comfort. It is to me too.

That's so thoughtful, kind and nice @Miami81 re your group.

Oh @Bumbers, I hope the rest of your trip goes quickly and is ok.

I hope hypno helps @Miami81 and I know what you mean about something unavoidably wrong. I was told by someone it was all for the best as there was clearly something very wrong with my daughter. There wasn't. She was absolutely perfect and would be here today, and be healthy, without a doubt if she had been born a fortnight earlier. Of that every medical professional I have spoken to is absolutely certain.

That’s awful @39Suzy about your group. I’m on a few other groups and all without exception have been wonderfully kind to me, messaged me, bought kind and thoughtful or practical gifts, or else they have just been there for me and talked about my daughter. I suppose so many people don’t know what to say or do but you would think most have enough sense to at least be polite and kind.

A third woman in the last fortnight has now informed me that she is pregnant. All of them are women I spend most of my time with and when I wasn’t being so bitter and teary I would consider some of my closest friends. I’m really worried I won’t get to have another baby. I’m scared I am too old, I will either not conceive or miscarry too many times that DH will decide not to try again or of something even worse happening. I don’t want anybody else’s baby so it isn’t that I am jealous of them in that way but I am (and this is so selfish) really scared that I won’t be able to keep them as friends if they have their newborns and I still am not even pregnant, let alone have another child.

Oh @LilacIris that sucks. I'm sorry. I have already taken a huge step away from my group of university girlfriends. I just can't, one had her baby the same time as me, two are due in September around dd's first birthday (along with every other fucking person I know), one of those her first baby had the same dates as my first miscarried baby. It's just too hard to see them all and hear them all carry on when it feels like my life has ended.
I am lucky in a way that my friends who live close by here to me are at very different stages, either already done with babies or not quite there yet.
It hurts just so much. The anger and pain and bitterness just feel like they will consume me some days.
One of my best friends in the entire world had her second baby in May. He was a boy and I am not ashamed to admit that I am ridiculously glad that he is a boy. I don't know why it helps but it does.

@lilaciris i am sorry that that has upset you. It is a shitty and unavoidable fact of our new lifes, the gift that keeps on giving. Sending you a big, big hug.

@miami81 it is perfectly natural to feel the way you do. I truly hope that your rainbow baby helps to reconnect when the time is right.

I am at the end of fertile week so 🤞 we have done enough. We feel ready for this to happen (terrified in equal measure).

Morning ladies and thanks for all the good scan wishes.
So the pregnancy looks to be a few days behind at the moment and the heartbeat is slow. Things aren't looking great, now we are in a waiting game.
Thanks for all your support I will probably be a bit quiet for a bit but I am thinking of you all and will be back around soon I am sure.

🤞 for you @miami81 you know where we are xx

What @39Suzy said, xx

Crossing everything for you @Miami81

Oh @Miami81 how stressful for you and I hope you get a good outcome at your next scan. As the others say, we are here for you. Sending you lots of love.

Thanks everyone for the support. I know you get it in a way others just can’t. Xx

Hi all just dropping in to say have a lovely weekend 😙

How are you doing today @miami81- sending you lots of love x

Thanks guys. Doing ok, like it's just the reality of our situation unfortunately. Heading out to the museum and cinema today for some distraction.
DH is really struggling. I think both of us thought we would make it through an early pregnancy failure ok, but it's just not that easy. Brings back a lot of the emotions of losing dd.

It is hard regardless of how early it is. Have a lovely day @miami81 and hope you smile 😊

Good news at hospital this morning girls. Measuring good for dates and heartbeat looks good too. So for today things look good.
Thanks so much for your support.

Wonderful news @Miriam81!!!

Aw @miami81 that is so good to hear, so pleased for you x

Hurrah :)

@Miami81 So happy to hear that baby is fighting fit in there, fingers crossed bean keeps going at that rate for you. Pregnancy is a friggin rollercoaster post loss. Go bean go!

@lilaciris so sorry you keep getting baby bombed, that's totally shit. Feel free to rant here all the time as it can be mentally so hard to get through news like that so often, especially after loss is so recent. Sending a hug.

@bumbers how did your work trip go in the end, all ok?

@39Suzy so sorry to hear your group blocked you like that, I find it so hurtful on your behalf. Stick with people that help and nurture you for sure. Glad you gave them a bit of a telling off too, good on you. And glad you had a nice wknd.

Sorry haven't been posting lots, concentrating on nice wknd away with dh and work has been busy too. Belfast was fun, it’s a great wee spot. Coming into fertile week now, fingers and toes all crossed. The tww will be when we're on holiday with DC so hopefully I'll be totally distracted as they are generally non-stop. I find (tww + work) = headf*ck! I can never concentrate when I'm doing a tww at work. Too easy to go online looking at countdowntopregnancy hpt stats, I work with numbers so I love a good statistic I do. Anyone else in testing phase? Or nice holidays planned?

Hope everyone else is doing well in themselves. Sending positive vibes to all (Gawd I sound like a hippy – I’m 100% not! – but I really mean it).

Hey @partyinthekitchen great to hear from you.

I am in TWW now, desperately trying not to symptom spot (and failing). Been getting cramps on and off the last few days and had a teeny tiny bit of spotting last night (streak of orangey brown and a blob of red mucus TMI i know). The cramps got so bad for about 10 mins i was going to take a painkiller (felt like contractions) but started to ease before i went to bed. Boobs are also sore (but can be 'normal' PMT). I think i O'd last Wednesday on CD13 which feels pretty normal for me. Either way it will be a positive as this cycle feels much more like normal.

I went back to work today (just a half day) which was so hard... first thing to do when i switched my PC on was to delete my holidays and calendar reminders for all my mat leave and antenatal appointments. So, so shit. I hope tomorrow will be better... at least it is back to back meetings so no time to sob! And it is only half a day.

So tell us about Belfast, what did you do whilst you were there?

Best of luck with fertile week.... at least the weather has cooled. My FW took a lot of (sweaty) dedication!