@Cakelaur I had a read of some of your blogposts. Some of them really resonate and others made me feel so sad and I'm sending you hugs. your post this morning especially resonated about OH. I think the loneliness in this is the hardest. I know I hide a lot of my sadness from my OH because I just don't want him to think I'm "crazy" or a "drama queen" or "too emotional" even though I am sure if told him how I'm feeling he wouldn't say anything like that. But he just doesn't talk about it; and I find that whenever I mention anything about it, whether it's simply about me wanting him to take his vitamins or trying to decide whether I should see 2 consultants for different opinions, I can feel his eyes roll. Like he's bored of this topic
He even said - what's the rush? Can't we just take a break till after the summer!
Umm no! 3-4months is about all I can handle and even that gives me anxiety
I know we've been lucky conceiving quite quickly in the last year, but all 3 of those ended in heartbreak, and who knows if a) we will ever conceive again and b) if we will ever bring another baby home.
He says things like we can just adopt, as if that is going to make me feel better. As if the sadness is because I don't have another baby; but the sadness is more than just the loss, it's my body's whole raison d'etre. My whole life, my whole awkward puberty, my every bloody month, my whole life and everything I have been through as a female was a promise that I am made to create life.
A miscarriage is like a big slap in the face
Coming from your own body. Mocking my whole female existence.
He will definitely say I am a drama queen if I ever said any of that to him.
I'm 36 end of April, our first loss's due date was my birthday - so how can I ever forget that.
Even though rationally I know it wasn't meant to be and I am grateful and thankful it happened so early on (I was less than 6weeks), I will never forget that a little soul spent some time with me, in my deepest and most sacred part of me.
I know a few women who've had miscarriages who talk about their lost babies as if they "should have been here now"
But I am sorry, I don't agree with this rhetoric - it will only make us feel worse forever.
They are not here because they shouldn't be here. They most likely didn't survive because they wouldn't have survived.
So while I will never forget the due dates (my birthday, my dad's bday, my LO's 2nd bday) and I will always think of them on those days, I know they were just passing through and it wasn't their time.
Somehow we have to let them go.
In the meantime I am going to take some time to heal - physically - take advantage of having my body back. I've been pregnant or miscarrying basically since August and breastfeeding before that. So now I can just build myself back up, make myself stronger than ever, do my sit ups and planks and maybe even join a gym. Get myself into my pre-baby clothes before we TTC again and hopefully carry a baby to term.
This is the only thing that is helping me continue
I am sorry for this random rant- maybe I will start a blog too- you've inspired me!
Just wanted to say you're not alone
And as annoying as this is to hear, I have to say it- you're 33 and there is a lot of time.
Have you guys tried not trying?
Just saying fuck it! Let's have a couple of months to rekindle our relationship?
Stepping out of this cyclical vortex?
Sometimes we feel as if being in it brings us control - however all of this- pregnancy, miscarriage, existence - it's all out of our control- we can do things to help it along but ultimately it is out of our hands.
Instead of standing against the wind and screaming, we need to let go and let it take us - and have faith in where we end up.
Giving up that control is hard- especially after what happened to us. Miscarriages are savage and wild. But that is part of nature and part of being.
Meditation and yoga really help.
I have a lot of friends and cousins who have been in the cyclical vortex- one of them for 10 years- after a while they decide they've had enough and give up - and that's when they have all Conceived- one at age 38! And she went on to have 2 naturally. (After multiple failed IVFs )
Ah! You can tell me to F off
And I would understand
But sometimes I need to say these things for myself as well.
I am off to the hospital soon for a scan to check that this last miscarriage is over and my womb is empty again.
I really hope it is so I can get on with recovery and fitness action plan (even tho all I want to do is hide under my blankets for a few weeks!)
Anyway sorry for epic rant on a Monday morning.