TTC after pregnancy loss. Thread 17. New Year, new hope for all!

[Primrose16]

Oops the other one got full before new one made. Kept the same name to make it easier to find.

Thought I'd share what I just wrote for my blog

Sometimes... like this morning. I just sit and cry. BFN again this morning. And I’m scared. Scared that it was a freak chance we got pregnant before. Scared it won’t happen. Scared I’ll be childless, scared I’ll never be happy again. Scared I’ll become destructive. Scared I’ll ruin my wonderful relationship because I want a child more than I want anything. Scared that I have to go through this every month again and again. Just fucking scared. And sad. Sad I lost my baby, sad I’m not the 4 months pregnant I should be. Sad I have to do it all over again. Sad I never got to meet the baby. Sad that I’ve lost all joy in my life. Sad for my OH who has to deal with me. Sad that I waited so long. Sad that I might not have the chance again.

There’s no ounce of hope this morning. And that’s ok. I have the space to cry on my own. And then I’ll get up, shower and brush my teeth and go to work as if none of it happened. But knowing full well that it’s all a front because I know no matter how much I laugh or smile throughout the day....

I will never be happy until I’m pregnant again.

Also @Primrose16 I see a line on that first one. And if you had spotting yesterday and it was implantation. The line won't be properly visible for two days. So tomorrow it should show up. 🤞I really hope it's just too early. You may have ovulated a little later than you thought. Xx

primrose sorry for the bfn this morning. I test without DH knowing. This is will be our third baby and we are supposed to be relaxed about it and just leave things up to nature...what will be will be sort of attitude. So I pee on all sorts of stuff secretly. I prefer it that way, he knows I think, but he never says anything and that way I have a little control in what it’s a completely ridiculous set up! After the two mc last year, the whole ‘breezy’ approach has gone out the window for me!

@Cakelaur that's a fairly accurate description of what I feel atm too. Glad you've found an outlet for it.

Hubby has put his back out so if I'm not already pg again, doubt it's gonna happen for a couple more months ffs. He really is in a lot of pain this morning bless him. Mind you DS was conceived a month after DH's hernia op.....

Oh @Cakelaur sending hugs. Sorry you got a bfn this morning. It's just crap isn't it.
Haha @HidCat maybe the injury is good luck!?

@cakelaur that makes me so sad. Someone announced their pregnancy yesterday. It was the reminder that I should be having my 12 week scan. It’s shit. 😢

If my ovulation was later I doubt I would have caught it.

@Primrose16 I'm so sorry. It is shit. It's totally utterly shit and unfair. But it's ok to not be ok.
I've totally given up this month. Again! After FF moved ov date.
So I've ordered progesterone cream. My temps are all over the place. Hoping progesterone will help get a bfp and also keep a baby.

@Cakelaur I just had a read of your blog. Well done you for putting that out there. I t thought it was really raw and touching. I laughed when I read the abbreviations- I'd never heard of jfgi! 🤣🤣
I wanted to tell you about my ectopic as I think there is not enough accurate info out there. I really hope you don't take this in a bad way like in trying to correct you as I'm not. But I got the feeling when I was reading your blog that you are trying to help others understand so if this only stops one other person going through what I did.
Straight up I'd never heard of an ectopic until I had one and very almost didn't survive it to tell the tale.
In this country as the NHS don't offer early scans unless there has been a previous problem or you pay private lots don't get picked up. Obvi if you get a early scan- as most ectopics rupture between weeks 5 and 10- you may be able to catch it. Then you are usually given a tablet which will terminate the baby.
What happens mostly is that the tube (where the baby has most likely implanted) will rupture. This causes extreme abdominal pain. For me it was worse than my 4 day labour and I collapsed and was unable to walk. I also got very dizzy and started vomiting. This is life threatening.
I called A&E who asked me if I had shoulder tip pain- which I didn't or was bleeding vaginally - which I wasn't. They then told me it didnt sound like an emergency and to make my way to the GP. Thankfully I called 111 who sent an ambulance which saved my life. I had been bleeding internally the whole time and when I arrived at hospital ghostly white with blood pressure half what it should have been I was rushed immediately into surgery where they had to cut me open to remove the tube and stop all the bleeding. I lost 3.5 litres and was given 6 blood transfusions. One symptom I did have was the urge to poo right before the pain which apparently only happens to 10%
I have also had a MMC and had an ERPC but this was very different.
I'm not sure what my point is and I really hope you're not thinking I'm a cow right now for writing this but I guess I just want to portray how urgent a ruptured ectopic is and how important it is to get to A&E immediately.
Sorry that was a bit of a ramble!

Oh @Primrose16 and @Cakelaur i really hope you're both not out and will get your bfps in a few days!!!

Please can I join? My baby was born prematurely and died shortly afterwards. I’m devastated but also just desperately want to be pregnant again. I figure this thread is the place where people will understand my neuroses the most.

@Cakelaur I don’t even know you but want to send you a hug. I know exactly how you feel and how horrific and emotive the whole trying to conceive and getting pregnant is. I really hope your get your positive test result and a smooth pregnancy soon.

@Primrose16 I'm so sorry.

These tests seem so simple in theory but my word they lie

Keeping my fingers crossed you get your BFP in a couple days.

Oh @TheDinosaurRoars I'm so sorry. That's so awful. You can bring all your neuroses here and fingers crossed for your rainbow baby soon.

@Boboelephant thank you so much for sharing. I totally don't in ANY way think negatively of you writing this. Im going to go amend this section. I'm so grateful! The aim of my blog is an outlet for me but absolutely to help inform and let people know they're not the only ones. I am never gonna reach millions of people but if I can help one person I'll have achieved something. Would you let me share your story on my blog?

This goes to anyone... if any of you would like to share your stories please let me know and I can create a post for each one.

I just felt that I was so in the dark about this whole side of pregnancy. So I have read and read and read about it. But other than you guys I don't feel there's much info about the emotional rollercoaster.

@TheDinosaurRoars I'm so so so sorry. To lose a baby when pregnant is heartbreaking. To lose a baby who enters this world is a whole nother thing. I can only begin to imagine the pain you're going through. I'll hug you right back. And welcome it's a shitty place to be but these women have got me through some of my darkest days when no one else understands. Xx

@Boboelephant I changed it to this... is this more accurate?

Ectopic pregnancy is where the baby fertilises, and implants, but it implants outside of the uterus (usually in the fallopian tube). Generally symptoms are abdominal pain, unusual vaginal bleeding. They also mention about shoulder tip pain. Dizziness and vomiting can be a sign. You may have NONE of these symptoms but don't disregard any kind of pain in your pregnancy. Apparently only 1 in 80 pregnancies are ectopic. An ectopic pregnancy is INCREDIBLY dangerous. It is so important to head straight to A&E or get someone to call an ambulance if you are in severe pain as the fallopian tube is likely to have ruptured which will cause major internal bleeding. If you are lucky enough to have had an early scan they will be able to confirm that the baby is in the the right or wrong place and may pick it up early enough. If its discovered they will usually give you a pill to terminate the pregnancy.

@Cakelaur oh good I'm so relieved you understand what I was trying to say. It can be hard sometimes with writing. It is absolutely so it can just help that one person! Yes share away by all means.
For me looking back it's terrifying that if you don't have these two symptoms they ask (shoulder tip pain and vaginal bleeding) that they can dismiss you. I don't know why there is not more info about ectopics and just how dangerous they are. As I hadn't heard of them I didn't know what was happening. Just that I was pregnant and something definitely wasn't right.

Yes @cakelaur. Perfect 👍👍

I’m currently tourturing myself by watching one born every minute and drinking too much tea....

dinosaur so sorry you find yourself here. I absolutely know what you mean about wanting to be pregnant again soon, such a natural feeling. We are such a wonderful mix here of stages in life, pregnancies lost and what baby no we are trying for the support is amazing. Use this space for what ever you need. We are all here for you.

Sorry for this bfns this morning, hopefully it's a case of testing too early!

@TheDinosaurRoars I'm so so sorry you find yourself here. I cannot even begin to imagine what you're feeling. Lots of baby dust your way. Feel free to rant when you feel like it, the world is a cruel cruel place.

@Cakelaur and @Boboelephant looking back I hold a lot of symptoms of ectopic I felt horrendous, didn't even get a bfp until a week after af was due and even then it was faint, and I just had brown spotting then entire time (which eventually turn red and clotted) I count myself so so lucky that my body terminated it by itself and my heart goes out to anyone that had to physically make the pregnancy terminate or had surgery to terminate it. I count myself lucky in a way that in comparison my mc wasn't that bad, I feel like a fraud here sometimes. Hugs to all and baby dust to all!!

My god @boboelephant that sounds terrible!! Thank goodness you got a second opinion and got sorted!

@cakelaur that’s a nice way to channel your feelings and for people to read to know they aren’t the only ones feeling like that!

I am so sorry @thedinosaurroars I hope you are doing ok and getting plenty of support. The girls here are great and it’s a good place to vent your “crazy”!

@nocatshere don’t do it to yourself!! I used to watch that programme all the time but I have banned myself from it since mmc...I think I’d be a blubbering mess watching it!

@primrose16 sorry for the bfn ☹️

I am currently waiting for my temperature spike to confirm ovulation. I keep thinking I’ve ovulated “today” for the past 2 days...want to officially start the 2ww!! Just got to keep BDing 😴 hard to keep it exciting at this stage 😂

@Boboelephant here it is. And again thank you. Xx
ttcabiggerhousehold.blogspot.co.uk/2018/03/ectopic-what-its-really-like-from.html?m=1

FFS 3 pregnant mums in my play group this morning!

Thanks guys. Yeah it was a shit situation but I feel it's my turn for some good luck next! 🤞Hope the story helps someone.
I hope o happen for you soon @Claire138! I know what you mean. My poor DH has had to deal with me just being like 'it's cold and I'm tired but I'll just take the bottoms off and let's crack on. 🤣🤣
Ah @Primrose16 that sucks. A story I know too well. Sorry!!!

Alright girls. I've decided this month I am going to try and not Google every symptom I'm experiencing or what symptoms I should be experiencing at each dpo! So.... here's where I need you!! Anyone remember symptoms from 6dpo which ended in a bfp?? or feeling anything in particular if you've recently passed it? (Yes I know I'm cheating)