'Fired' as bridesmaid because TTC!

[Doodlebug89]

A close friend asked me to be bridesmaid over a year ago for her wedding this coming July. Me and my husband got married last summer, but have held of TTC until now to avoid a big bump during their wedding that might create dress problems.

In December my friend mentioned that she was going to start TTC straight after the wedding and asked whether we were. Not thinking anything of it, I mentioned that we weren't but we would next year. That evening she sent me a long message saying that she thinks it's best if I am not bridesmaid because I am ttc, and it makes ordering dresses etc difficult.

1. I am not pregnant.
2. I may not be for a long time.
3. Unless I get pregnant Jan or Feb this year I will not have a significant bump by mid July.

I'm happy to:
A. Order a size up and pay for alterations.
B. Wait until March to order the dress
C. Order it now and pay her back for the dress if I can't wear it

I explained that I feel really uncomfortable being removed as bridesmaid as if I am not pregnant by July (which may well happen) I'll feel doubly sh*tty. It will highlight the fact that I am not pregnant to me and dh. Additionally, I will have to explain to people who knew I was a bridesmaid why I am no longer a bridesmaid. If I am pregnant, no problem. If not, she thinks I should tell people that "we are planning to start a family and it would not have been fair to the bride and groom." I refuse to do this - I haven't even told my own mother that we are trying to conceive. In fact, I have barely told anyone because we don't want the pressure. So I will be put in a really awkward and horrible position.

I feel that it would be bad to remove someone as bridesmaid because they were pregnant (unless they were ready to pop!), let alone because they are about to start ttc. Surely if I am her friend, having a small bump shouldn't be a problem? I have offered the solutions above regarding the dress. I feel she is putting my in a really terrible position, for no real reason.

Am I being unfair?

Nope YANBU but these early signs of Bridezillaishness suggest that you may be getting a lucky escape route now. I would say that a bridesmaid was supposed to be a close friend who you wanted to be there to support you, rather than a fashion accessory, but then I am very old fashioned.

You could explain to anyone who asks that you had stepped down over a difference of opinion in what a bridesmaid needs to be, but that you were still friends and think that this is the best way to stay friends . . .

No you’re not being unfair. What did she reply?

Honestly? She does not sound like the kind of person I’d want to be friends with, if she cares more about how her bridesmaids look than your feelings (presumably you thought you were close friends?), and thinks potentially needing to have dresses altered is ‘unfair’ to her and her fiancé.

I’d probably cool the friendship completely and decline the wedding invitation full stop.

You are not being unfair - that's awful. If you were my friend, I'd be excited and supportive for you. It's just a dress and can be altered or a new one got if needed.

Not at all! Your friend is being a twat.

I was ttc when I went bridesmaid dress shopping for my friends wedding, so we chose a dress that could potentially accommodate a bit of a bump, and the bride wasn’t phased by it in the slightest.

As it happened, I did get pregnant and miscarried between then and the wedding, and although I wasn’t pregnant I had put on some weight and had to be shoehorned into the dress as it was, so glad we allowed wiggle room!

Gosh, what a lucky escape. She's a loony. Thank your lucky stars and perhaps be busy that weekend?

That is insane!

I was a little stressed about pregnant bridesmaids but it was more the case of my other half's sister being ready to pop and her taking the attention of her parents away from my partner on his day! Nothing did happen like that anyway but it may be the case she's worried about attention too? Although it is a pretty shitty thing for her to say and do. She may just need to think about things for a few days and it might have just been said in the moment!

I also had some pressure from my mum about all the what if bridesmaids are pregnant then they should really pull out so again maybe she's getting pressured into saying this if it's something you think she wouldn't normally do!

Whatever the case is, you've offered suggestions that any bride would be glad to hear of and most would just dismiss them as dresses would need alterations etc anyway!! I don't think there is much more you can say!

She doesn’t want you potentially upstaging her. It’s as simple as that. She’s not a friend OP.

No I don’t think you are being unfair at all. It sounds like you have done everything you can to make this work for your friend, even going so far as to delay TTC!

I wonder if your friend is jealous that you are TTC before her or thinks if you are visibly pregnant on her wedding day then it will “steal” the attention away from her. Weddings have a depressing habit of bringing out the worst in some people.

Agree get rid....friends like that aren't worth it trust me I've been there similar situation and everything was about her. Depends on how good of a friend she is perhaps politely declined the wedding invite?

I'm glad you all agree! She first mentioned this in December and it's been stressing me out since. She was my bridesmaid last Summer and if she or any of my bridesmaids mentioned ttc I would have found a way to include them (e.g. more stretch fabrics, empire line dresses, a different dress for that bridesmaid). She chose the most unforgiving dress after we had this conversation (also, it's in brown ). She has said that all dresses have to be the same.

She has always been selfish and not very empathetic, but we have been friends since high school so I try to overlook it. Her parents are very rich and I think it comes from being spoilt. I'm not sure where to go from here. I explained everything that I said above to her, but she said it's her wedding day and she doesn't want the uncertainty. She said let's wait until March.

I'm not really sure where to go from here. My best friend is a bridesmaid, and she thinks it's ridiculous. She said similar to you @freshstarttoday, that she should want me there no matter what I'm wearing or what size I am, not just to look good in the photos!

I guess if I'm not pregnant by the end of Feb we can rush order the dress, and if I do conceive from March onwards the bump shouldn't be big enough to prevent me from wearing the dress. If I am pregnant by the end of Feb tbh I am not telling her after this. I don't think she deserves to know first. I could just say that I've changed my mind and I'd prefer not to be bridesmaid...

When somebody tells you who they are, listen.

She's a bitch. She doesn't want you beating her to having a baby. She doesn't want your pregnancy overshadowing her wedding (which would never happen except in her head anyway).

Email her back and tell her you are hurt and disappointed that she isn't the friend you thought. Then make sure you post on Facebook or twitter or whatever to say you won't be a bridesmaid at the wedding because x wasn't happy you might be pregnant. Her other friends and family need to know who she is too.

Good luck ttc

You delayed trying to conceive because of your ‘friend’s’ wedding.
Why would anyone do that? Then she fires you anyway. The world’s gone mad

What a bell end - get rid of her!!

My best friend didn’t Have me as a bridesmaid despite having about 8 others because she new we were TTC. It hurt a lot. Then again I just found out she had an affair with my H so she was obviously never my friend. It could be jealousy it could just be she is very immature and puts how the wedding looks above friendship. Either way she’s treating you badly and a true friend wouldn’t.

OP why do you every want to be her bridesmaid?!!! She sounds like a bitch. I’d happily step down and let her get in with it.

Bridezialla alert! I was ditched as a BM because I was pregnant and our friendship has never fully recovered. Hope your mate realises that she’s probably doing some lasting damage to your friendship.

Kinda hoping one of the other bridesmaids gets pregnant or even all of them...

It’s a crap view for her to have but it’s her wedding and if she wants that over a friendship, then whatever.

Horrible, horrible friend. There is no way in hell I'd want to be her bridesmaid now. I actually wouldn't even want to go to her wedding now, but I'm pretty like that

Dreadful behaviour on her part.

Personally I be quietly bowing out (of wedding party and then friendship) and all I’d say to anyone that asked was that the bride changed her mind about bridesmaids.

you should be more important than her photographs. I’d be terribly hurt.

Even if you stay in the bridal party, she is only going to get worse ... quit asap and let her know what you think of her stupidity and selfishness, and consider not attending at all if she doesn't come to her senses. (I write this knowing I'm not the one in your shoes!!)

It did cross my mind that she might be concerned about stealing attention. She does seem to be becoming quite bridezilla-ish. For instance, the bridesmaids weren't invited dress shopping and she won't tell/show us the dress she has chosen as she wants it to be a 'surprise'. But I don't understand this mentality. Who cares if the bridesmaid is pregnant? I wouldn't even be heavily pregnant.

I think the other thing that frustrates me is that she is very rich (her parents' money), and therefore if she did buy the dress and I didn't wear it, that £150-200 is nothing to her. If she was scraping together money for the wedding I would understand, but it really isn't a big deal.

In terms of ditching her as a friend, it's hard. The three of us (me, the bride, and my best friend/another bridesmaid) have been close friends since school. Both of us find the bride selfish and have become more distant in recent years because of it. She has done other things like getting crazy drunk at my wedding (to the point where I heard people commenting on the 'drunk bridesmaid' from about 8pm onwards!). But I'm not one for confrontation and I'm most likely to attend as a guest if necessary and then just keep my distance a bit afterward. I also don't want to create tension for my other friend (she is already saying that she doesn't know if she wants to be a bridesmaid anymore if the bride is going to be like this).

Yeah, let it fizzle out. She may even be one to change when she gets married and not see you so much. And when kids come into it, it’s much easier to let these “friendships” go as you honestly don’t have the time so you prioritise the ones you do care about.

I would be really grateful she has shown her Bridezilla tendencies early on and bow out gracefully.

Now you can TTC and still enjoy the wedding. Win/Win

I can't imagine why you would want to try to persuade her to take you back as a BM

She isn't a friend. She's a bully. Cut her out of your life and amaze yourself with all the choices you suddenly have.