'Fired' as bridesmaid because TTC!

[Doodlebug89]

A close friend asked me to be bridesmaid over a year ago for her wedding this coming July. Me and my husband got married last summer, but have held of TTC until now to avoid a big bump during their wedding that might create dress problems.

In December my friend mentioned that she was going to start TTC straight after the wedding and asked whether we were. Not thinking anything of it, I mentioned that we weren't but we would next year. That evening she sent me a long message saying that she thinks it's best if I am not bridesmaid because I am ttc, and it makes ordering dresses etc difficult.

1. I am not pregnant.
2. I may not be for a long time.
3. Unless I get pregnant Jan or Feb this year I will not have a significant bump by mid July.

I'm happy to:
A. Order a size up and pay for alterations.
B. Wait until March to order the dress
C. Order it now and pay her back for the dress if I can't wear it

I explained that I feel really uncomfortable being removed as bridesmaid as if I am not pregnant by July (which may well happen) I'll feel doubly sh*tty. It will highlight the fact that I am not pregnant to me and dh. Additionally, I will have to explain to people who knew I was a bridesmaid why I am no longer a bridesmaid. If I am pregnant, no problem. If not, she thinks I should tell people that "we are planning to start a family and it would not have been fair to the bride and groom." I refuse to do this - I haven't even told my own mother that we are trying to conceive. In fact, I have barely told anyone because we don't want the pressure. So I will be put in a really awkward and horrible position.

I feel that it would be bad to remove someone as bridesmaid because they were pregnant (unless they were ready to pop!), let alone because they are about to start ttc. Surely if I am her friend, having a small bump shouldn't be a problem? I have offered the solutions above regarding the dress. I feel she is putting my in a really terrible position, for no real reason.

Am I being unfair?

I would pull out and if people asked why I wasn't a BM my response would be "oh I made a passing comment to Bride about thinking about starting a family in the not too distant future and she freaked out about potentially having a pregnant BM"

^ exactly this! It's perfect. Doesn't say you are definitely TTCand let's people know what a selfish loon she is.

It doesn’t sound at all like she just doesn’t want you to be a bridesmaid in case your dress doesn’t fit or whatever other excuses she has. It sounds like she doesn’t want you to be pregnant before she gets a chance to start ttc. A pregnant woman at your wedding also pulls attention away from you as well. I would tell your “friend” she can stick her wedding.

My sister was pregnant when she was my bridesmaid. It was no issue to me. Your friend is behaving like a self-obsessed headcase.

Ah here... she’s turned Bridezilla x100000... I would say don’t be a bridesmaid and find your own reason eg. work commitments in the run up to the wedding, or can’t do the hen, or something, to explain why if people ask! Or you could say, because the bride was being a total nightmare

She's a twat.

I certainly wouldnt hold off on trying to conceive because of her wedding.

@afreshnewname The bridesmaids dresses are brown, she hasn't shown us her wedding dress. She wants it to be a big surprise apparently!

She sounds like a total arse. I ended up with two pregnant bridesmaids - both around 7 months at the time of the wedding, they just ordered their dresses bigger and had them taken in nearer the time and it was fine.

Nobody suddenly forgot there was a bride there just because there were a couple of bumps. This girl sounds really selfish and completely unreasonable - I'd just step down if I were you. Serves her right.

Well, this has been a relief! I was worried I was being overly sensitive as I'm quite emotional/worried about TTC (and I've only just started, god knows what I'll be like come July!). But it sounds like everyone here would feel the same in my shoes. I think I'll attend the hen do and wedding and be polite etc to keep the peace and avoid coming across as petty, but keep my distance after the wedding

Just tell her you have thought about it and think it's better to duck out rather than carry on the conversation. Tell anyone who asks that Bridezilla decided she only wanted unmarried virgins as her bridesmaids...

This has outraged me! No one has the right to make you feel like that....our friends in life are our protectors....if they don't have your best interests at heart then they are not your friends. What shocking behaviour....I understand however it is not easy to just stop being friends with someone and I agree with your proposed way forward. Good luck with your TCC journey....coming from my own path...you are going to need people around you who care for you and who you trust...she is not one of those people xx

Even if you didn't have a bump but were pregnant, your breasts may have grown and you still might not fit into the dress. I would hate the thought that you would have to update her every month on whether you were pregnant or not... I would try to come up with something that let's her know she is being unreasonable and you are stepping out of the way because of it.

Maybe: Look dear friend, it sounds like you have a lot to think about with the wedding coming up and the look of the bridesmaids is important to you. Rather than give you an extra worry about me not fitting in my dress and putting me in a situation that I have to update you on intimate details of my life, let's just agree that it's best for you if I drop out. Anyway, isn't it traditional for the bride to be surrounded by unmarried virgins.. LOL!

Just don't go to the wedding, then she can spend the whole day explaining why. It's hard enough not being able to get pregnant without having to explain yourself to people.

Why didn't she just hire models if it was all about how you'd look?

Omg. I don't have any advice beyond what pp have said but just wanted to say.... I THOUGHT I WAS THE ONLY ONE! I'm not even a BM either but I've been removed from doing a reading as it would look "weird". Wedding in July and I'm not even pregnant yet.
The best bit is that the bride said, when I mentioned ttc, that "I don't want any pregnant women at my wedding because the wine is amazing and it will go to waste".
I too think it's just she doesn't want attention off her.

Anyway OP, I empathise lots! Rethink your friendship.

Who has brown bridesmaids dresses anyway ?!? Sounds like your well out of it. Sounds very selfish

I’m imagining it’s more of a neutral colour than brown brown? It’s july too.

She sounds like a spoilt brat!! I don't think I can say anything different to what everyone else has said but my bridesmaid was 6 months pregnant at my wedding and it didn't make the slightest difference, she's my best friend and I would of wanted her by my side whatever she looked like. I'd go with what you were thinking about saying a difference in opinion and once you are pregant and everyone knows the real reason you aren't a bridesmaid it'll show everyone the selfish person she is.

Wow. Is a bridesmaid a friend giving support and being part of the big day or a photo accessory? I was seven months pregnant with twins when a bridesmaid for my friend and yes dress fitting was hilariously weird and yes I didn't stay up late drinking with the others but as my friend isn't a complete dick these things didn't matter.
Ask her what she thinks a bridesmaid is for and what she considers your friendship to be. She may realise she's being a massive twat about this. Otherwise, as PP have pointed out, she's not really your friend.
🙁

Im a future bride and I have to say YANBU . In the time before my wedding anyone of my bridesmaids could get pregnant and the only way i wouldn't ask them would be if I thought they couldn't handle it and even then I would ask them if they said they were fine i would be fine with it, I would want them to be happy on the day so whatever makes them happy . They're my friends pregnant or not and if a baby is in her body then I get an extra person in my bridal party whoop :)
Ive been a pregnant bridesmaid and was accused of stealing attention (ridiculous) its all about the couple maybe thats it

I'd be more careful who I referred to as a close friend in future.
She IBU,.
However, I certainly wouldn't have put off ttc for a friends wedding, so not sure if you are BU too.

She sounds like a total nut job!

I also would not have put of ttc though.

close friend

Your definition of close friend is very different to mine.

I would suggest ttc and hope that you can time it so that you announce your pregnancy on her wedding day.

Lorelai that is evil genius! Love it

She's doing this to try put you off trying to conceive because she doesn't want you to conceive before her!!!!! That's why she asked. She thinks if she 'fires' you then you'll delay trying in order to be a bridesmaid!

Please show her this thread! Send her the link!