'Fired' as bridesmaid because TTC!

[Doodlebug89]

A close friend asked me to be bridesmaid over a year ago for her wedding this coming July. Me and my husband got married last summer, but have held of TTC until now to avoid a big bump during their wedding that might create dress problems.

In December my friend mentioned that she was going to start TTC straight after the wedding and asked whether we were. Not thinking anything of it, I mentioned that we weren't but we would next year. That evening she sent me a long message saying that she thinks it's best if I am not bridesmaid because I am ttc, and it makes ordering dresses etc difficult.

1. I am not pregnant.
2. I may not be for a long time.
3. Unless I get pregnant Jan or Feb this year I will not have a significant bump by mid July.

I'm happy to:
A. Order a size up and pay for alterations.
B. Wait until March to order the dress
C. Order it now and pay her back for the dress if I can't wear it

I explained that I feel really uncomfortable being removed as bridesmaid as if I am not pregnant by July (which may well happen) I'll feel doubly sh*tty. It will highlight the fact that I am not pregnant to me and dh. Additionally, I will have to explain to people who knew I was a bridesmaid why I am no longer a bridesmaid. If I am pregnant, no problem. If not, she thinks I should tell people that "we are planning to start a family and it would not have been fair to the bride and groom." I refuse to do this - I haven't even told my own mother that we are trying to conceive. In fact, I have barely told anyone because we don't want the pressure. So I will be put in a really awkward and horrible position.

I feel that it would be bad to remove someone as bridesmaid because they were pregnant (unless they were ready to pop!), let alone because they are about to start ttc. Surely if I am her friend, having a small bump shouldn't be a problem? I have offered the solutions above regarding the dress. I feel she is putting my in a really terrible position, for no real reason.

Am I being unfair?

If/when you have to explain to people why you are no longer a bridesmaid just say "The bride has been very hurtful about me and DH, to be honest I think that not being a bridesmaid is probably for the best. It is such a shame when wedding planning brings out the worst in people".
If anyone asks for more details, just say you can't really add anything without making the bride sound awful and you don't want to be bad mouthing her...go full on PA.

Stuff her and her stupid wedding. I agree with what others have said about you having a lucky escape - can you imagine what she's going to be like over the next few months?!

Can you get any ££ back if you don't attend the hen weekend?

I will never understand what it is about weddings that turns some women into entitled brats, though I suppose it just reveals their true colours actually.

You don't deserve this, especially when TTC. No friend is more important than that and no real friend would expect to be!

She sounds like the sort of 'friend' who will drop you as soon as you have a child anyway, so...

Good luck with making a baby, it's a wonderful adventure

My best friend was heavily pregnant & my bridesmaid. She looked beautiful. I didn't have all my bridesmaids wearing the same dress just the same colour so I took her separately shopping to try on what was comfortable for her.

I don't think it's necessary for your friend to be making a big deal when you've offered to be more compromising. You held of TTC because your friend was getting married. She should be grateful!

I would send her another email saying that, in hindsight, it's probably best you don't wait until March to decide about the dress and you'll attend the wedding just as a guest. Because if she's think bonkers now, she'll be even worse by then!

OP, I know how this feels. My bridesmaid told me she wasn’t asking me to be a bridesmaid as “it would put too much pressure on me to lose my baby weight”. I was pregnant when she told me this and it really fucking hurt, now I’ve have my baby I have 10 months to lose just over a stone so she was wholly fucking unreasonable but you know what? Cut that bitch lose and stop caring, because she is a bitch, she doesn’t want you to do well and that toxic will take over your friendship - pay close attention to people who don’t clap when you win.

Jesus, you had a lucky escape. Be happy

No YANBU, but she most definitely is!! My friend and I were both pregnant at the time of her wedding, neither of us were showing and it didn't have any impact on her wedding, but she was off with me as soon as she found out I was pregnant.
It was only a few years later when I asked her to be my MOH and she revealed one day that she had to tell me something that, in her words "would effect our friendship & my wedding" she was pregnant and would definitely be showing by my big day, I couldn't believe she thought I would be anything other than delighted for her explains why she was frosty with me when she was the bride!!

Needless to say our friendship didn't survive long term, and she was an utterly useless MOH who actually was more of a hindrance on the day, most likely because she wasn't the centre of attention

Frillyhorseyknickers pay close attention to people who don’t clap when you win. *This ^^
*
That sums up this situation beautifully your so called 'friend' sounds awful!! Honestly cut people like her out of your life you'll find life so much easier!!

I know it's easier said than done but you'll find the strength to do it! I did it a few years ago...honestly why I didn't think to do it sooner I don't know, 95% of the stress from my wedding came from one particular bridesmaid...everything was paid for including organising a measurement at a bridal salon in the states near my friends apartment as she was working in the US at the time and was flying over especially (toxic bridesmaid hated this), I chose a national chain in the UK so it was easy for my bridesmaids to get to it and they didn't have to take time off work etc as this particular chain was open on a Sun and late Wed, shoes and accessories paid for they just had to pick sizes, one of my bridesmaids revealed they were ttc my reaction was yes yes yes we're gonna have a mini you to add to the friendship circle she offered to pay for alterations (that's what a good friend does in my opinion) I said no absolutely not...her dress was exactly the same as everyone else just a little more material in case there was a bump...no one could tell due to the genius seamstress!!

Other friend I noticed started saying things like there is no way I would have that going on. Left it an hour before the shop closed on the last day cut off to get measured and order dresses! Did her own make up which was fine (everyone else had make up done by make up and hair person) but wore really heavy make up and pretty much 'panda' eye smokey look, luckily I had other bridesmaids rooting for me and they made her tone it down for pictures! At the ceremony (my 'winning' moment) when I glanced round everyone was smiling, laughing (we had a very funny Irish priest who was an x stand up) she had a face like a smacked arse just glaring ...kept disappearing when group shots were being taken and finally to top it off she was the 'drunk' bridesmaid but then after found out from a lot of people she hardly had anything to drink ooh and just remembered opened a very expensive bottle of champagne from our fridge that was from our parents for our wedding bbq the following week I had left a note saying for celebration BBQ but she just ignored it...honestly cut toxic nasty people out of your life its sooo much better without them!

Imagine what she's going to be like when you are pregnant/have the baby and she's not! Go to the wedding as a guest to support your other friend then I would say keep your distance after.

For a second I thought I’d try and see it from the bride’s perspective. Then it hit me: I would never have dared to ask whether my bridesmaids were, or trying to get, pregnant. How rude!!!!

Unshackle yourself from this monster. I agree with Forgiveness. Take the lead, contact her and decline taking part for those reasons.

Enjoy the wedding from afar, you never know perhaps the other bridesmaid may bow down too..... popcorn anyone?

I remember when I asked my best friend to be bridesmaid and she was really unenthusiastic when she said yes and didn’t seem happy about being asked which rather upset me.

A few days later she told me that she and her DH were TTC and she was worried about possibly being pregnant at the time of the wedding and that’s why she had reacted in the way she had.

I told her not to be ridiculous!!

As it turned out she was almost 7 months pregnant when my Wedding came along and although there’d had to be lots of alterations made to her dress she looked AMAZING!!

Pregnancy is a wonderful thing and when I look back on my photos I absolutely love that she has this gorgeous bump underneath her dress and it made having her as one of my bridesmaids even more special actually.

I would tell your friend to stick her bridesmaid offer where the sun doesn’t shine because she sounds like self obsessed cow!!!! A true friend would be happy and excited for you, not telling you that you’d be a troublesome commodity of the bridal party so she’d rather not have you in it. What a truly awful attitude.

I had exactly the same thing happen, I told her I would step down after advice from Mumsnet and she backed off and said she wanted me to be bridesmaid. Got my BFP yesterday so I’ll be 34 weeks at her wedding 🙈

Thank you ladies for all of your advice and support I feel much better knowing that I'm not in the wrong for being upset about this

@balljuggla Hen weekend is all paid for and I can't get any money back. It wasn't cheap so I will still go and get some sun.

@Frillyhorseyknickers That is terrible! Why would she assume that you would want to/need to change your appearance just to be her bridesmaid? "pay close attention to people who don’t clap when you win" I love this saying, I think this hits the nail on the head really!

Argh, TTC is stressful enough without other people adding their own drama. Like I say, we have literally just started TTC and already this is putting so much pressure on us. I've only recently turned 28 so although we would like a baby as soon as possible, we were aiming to stay relaxed about the process at least at first. Now I feel pressure to be pregnant by the summer for the reasons mentioned above. But will try to put it to the back of my mind for now!

I’m so glad to see you feeling more positive!
My MOH could well be preggers by my wedding next year and I would be nothing but delighted for her. She may not actually be the only bridesmaid who is pregnant and you know what?! The more the merrier. They’re my friends and I would be over joyed to see them forfilling their life’s wishes and wants! Also my DS needs friends!
Best of luck with TTC. You absolutely don’t need to tell anyone about your personal journey. But do come back and up date us here if you get good news!? Wishing you well xx