Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Conception

When's the best time to get pregnant? Use our interactive ovulation calculator to work out when you're most fertile and most likely to conceive.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

DH won't perform to order

33 replies

Lala1980 · 02/05/2016 07:36

As such I can't guarantee sex during my fertile window. Getting down about it as I'm 35 and feel each month passing I'm getting too old.

OP posts:

AtSea1979 · 02/05/2016 07:40

Does your DH not want children then?

Costacoffeeplease · 02/05/2016 07:46

If he does, but it just performance anxiety, then don't tell him when it's 'time'

dementedpixie · 02/05/2016 07:48

Can you notjust have sex every couple of days regardless of the fertile window. Sounds like you are seeing him as just a baby making machine

Original poster

Lala1980 · 02/05/2016 08:12

He does want children. But he has physical job and just always seems to be too tired. EO day won't happen. Once a week if I'm lucky.. I honestly don't see him as a machine. I would more sex purely for intimacy..

OP posts:

PinkParsnips · 02/05/2016 08:17

Have you been tracking your ovulation etc? Could you just initiate sex on the right day/s without telling him why so he doesn't feel pressured?

I have to say after 18 months of TTC our DD it really did take a toll on our sex life and I would try not to make it too regimented if you can, I know it's hard though when you just want to fall pregnant

TheSuspiciousMsWhicher · 02/05/2016 08:20

When we were TTC, we agreed I wouldn't tell my DH when I was ovulating as he then felt pressure to perform which made it stressful for him. Would that work for you?

Original poster

Lala1980 · 02/05/2016 08:43

He will only perform when he is in the mood so it doesn't matter if/when I initiate it. Just was a bad night last night. I was "in the window" as well as in the mood anyway so felt doubley rejected.

OP posts:

Costacoffeeplease · 02/05/2016 09:46

And you want a baby with a selfish twat because ....?

dementedpixie · 02/05/2016 10:01

How is it selfish to not want sex when you don't feel like it?

Original poster

Lala1980 · 02/05/2016 10:03

He's my husband and he's lovely. I'm sorry if I've said anything to suggest he's a twat. I have realised I have a higher sex drive than him, he has kids already so I guess babies are less of a priority for him, and I believed the misconception that men always have sex on the brain lol..

OP posts:

ItsLikeRainOnYourWeddingDay · 02/05/2016 10:03

He isn't too tired for sex. It could be over in as little as five mins if it needed to be.

You need a frank chat with your dh. Sound like he isn't as keen as you.

LadyPenelope68 · 02/05/2016 10:04

It's not selfish to not want sex when you don't feel like it, for goodness sake. You can't expect him to "perform" like some circus animal.

Catmuffin · 02/05/2016 10:06

I guess you need the window to fall in a weekend or holiday when he is less tired from his job. Had he been working yesterday? If he'd been off work for the weekend and still not up for it then that's tricky

Costacoffeeplease · 02/05/2016 10:09

If he was fully on board with the baby making he'd make an effort - but you feel rejected, and not just from a conception pov

Junosmum · 02/05/2016 12:07

You haven't made him sound like a twat.

If he isn't in the mood, he isn't in the mood. Fwiw I had sex CD11 and ovulated CD16, bfp CD28.

I don't think it's that he doesn't want kids, just he doesn't want sex. And you can definitely be too tired for sex, regardless of how quickly it can be.

Seeyounearertime · 02/05/2016 12:12

If some bloke came on here and said,
"My missus doesn't want sex every other day"

Noone would dream of calling that woman a selfish twat.

Why is it that its okay to call OPs OH a selfish twat then? It isn't is it really?
Whatever the reasons he doesn't want sex, it doesn't change the fact that he doesn't want sex, unless you advocate coercion?

Op die need to talk to him though, explain that if he does want a child that there are certain actions that have to be performed. It my be that he's not s keen on the idea as OP, but if that's the case then OP will either have to accept that or move on to someone else.

boodles101 · 02/05/2016 12:14

My DP has a low sex drive too and combined with working/travelling long hours I know where you are coming from. I didn't tell him when my fertile week was but I tried sending him some naughty texts during the day so by the time he got home from work he was in the mood. Didn't quite manage every other day but i got my bfp on saturday so we obviously timed it right. Maybe worth a try?

LanaorAna1 · 02/05/2016 12:15

He's too tired for more kids. Not sex.

Seeyounearertime · 02/05/2016 12:15

Fwiw, me and GF are TTC ATM.
I have no issue having a TTC session but we still have to be in the mood, I'd never dream of trying coercion if she wasnt in the mood because it just adds pressure to something that should be enjoyable, once it's not enjoyable it becomes a chore, once it becomes a chore it becomes an effort and once that happens you may as well forget it.

Lweji · 02/05/2016 12:17

You have a fertile window of about a week. Are you not having sex during that time at all?

And he is not unreasonable for saying no to sex if he doesn't feel like it.

APotterWithAHappyAtmosphere · 02/05/2016 15:38

I also don't tell DH when my fertile window is, as he can get quite anxious and the pressure often makes it harder to perform and the whole thing less sexy. We try and do it every few days across the month.

I don't think he is being selfish (only 1 poster has said this) unless he is turning you down repeatedly and refusing to talk about it. But then I think you have a different issue.

Imps9 · 02/05/2016 16:31

I could have written your post OP. I think people unfairly underestimate the pressure that men can be under when TTC. My OH struggle to perform during the fertile window. He is not selfish or a twat or disinterested in having children - he is the opposite of all of these things and the pressure got to him. It certainly didn't help to get upset or tell him we had to have sex in order to get pregnant (he's realised this - he's not a child!). In the end, the only thing that worked is for me to make out that it was no big deal whether or not we got pregnant that month, even though that was the opposite of what I was feeling. The more nonchalant I was about it, the less pressure he felt and the more sex we had.

It's tough for you - really tough. But I'm guessing it's really tough for him too. Hope you can work through it together.

CoolforKittyCats · 02/05/2016 16:34

It's not selfish to not want sex when you don't feel like it, for goodness sake. You can't expect him to "perform" like some circus animal.

Completely agree

Blue2014 · 02/05/2016 16:40

Talk to him about it. It might be there is a solution.

FellOutOfBedTwice · 02/05/2016 16:59

Whilst it absolutely isnt selfish to not want to have sex when you're not in the mood for it, on the other hand there's really only one way to get pregnant. So you're going to have to have a frank conversation. For us we had a good few months of me being very sensitive to DHs moods and performance anxiety but in the end we did sit down and say "right this is shit but it needs to get done". Was having sex every other day and every day in my fertile window nice? No, not even a bit. Did it work? Yes, first month doing that I got pregnant both times we tried.

Flip

1 2