You are not a robot and the ovary whisperer's chanting for you in the viroid commune with our carved cock relics- don't panic about the acid foof! It's JS 58!!!

[Ain626]

Fred rules (copied and adapted from previous Fred)

1. Thou shalt shag as much as humanly possible in order to get upduffed.
2. Thou shalt not partake of OPKs, temping, or charting.
3. Thou shalt keep symptom spotting to a minimum.
4. Thou shalt share with your fredmates where needed.
5. Thou shalt not be offended by the word vagina.

JSing lingo

ERTD = Evil Red Tide of Dooooooommmmmmm. Or AF to most others. Also known as 'the witch', 'bitch witch' and 'that one with the red shiny convertible'

Viroid = This is you, dear poster. This is from the first JS thread when someone tried to type 'ladies' and it autocorrected to 'Viroids' - so there you go!

Pant snot = Egg white cervical mucus.

Doing a <strong>Kitten</strong> = Getting upduffed soon after joining (warning: may induce envy in other posters).

POAS = Pee On A Stick (of the pregnancy detecting kind, not from a tree). Also known as PIAR (Pee In A Ramekin - cos we're posh birds innit), or PIATLH (Tea light holder), PIAWG (Wine glass) or anything else you care to pee in! PONF = Pee on Nigel Farage (Self explanatory)

ROC = Receptacle of Choice - what one chooses to use for the task of POAS. Optional decorations include photographs of controversial political leaders.

JIAC = Jizz in a Cup. Preferable to jizz on the carpet or jizz in the eye. This one's for the lucky men in our lives.

Jizz in a bra = how we transport the jizz to the Sperm Queen

Shagging like <strong>'something'</strong> = JSing like a teenage nymphomaniac.

Giving a <strong>hooya</strong> = Giving a much needed slap to a fellow poster in danger of slipping into TTC obsession. Warning - this may happen to you if you start trying to POAS at 5dpo. PUT. THE. PISSY. STICK. DOWN. IT'S TOO EARLY!

Contraband (or Cuntraband) = Of COURSE none of us EVER partake of any silly OPKs or temp charting. They are Contraband.

Icing = ovulating. Another autocorrect development!

Getting your Cape on = planning some serious pouncing on DH/DP

SOTM = Shagger of the Month. Awarded with varying regularity to those viroids who go above and beyond EOD shagging in pursuit of that BFP

TWOT - Two Weeks of Torture. AKA Schroedingering!
TWPU - Two Week Piss Up!

Keeping your gingers = fingers crossed, yet another autocorrect development! Shortened to 'gx'

Doing a <strong>Lemon</strong> = Testing WAAAAAAAY to early!

Miroid - The male compadre of a viroid

Cat - Compulsory

Skittletits - Killer molten painful tits and nipples

Ghost jizz/goat jazz - When the amazing foof sucks up all the jizz - achieved when coming at the same time/nearly the same time.

The link to Part 57 is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/2542249-Theres-Chickens-up-Trees-and-BOGOF-Deals-from-the-Stork-Were-Seeking-out-the-Magic-Potion-whilst-avoiding-the-Rogue-Penis-Dont-Flash-your-Cat-its-JS-57?pg=1" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The current Grads Fred is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/antenatal_clubs/2550495-Its-the-calm-before-the-storm-sort-of-that-is-Fantastic-February-and-the-March-Madness-we-did-a-lot-of-shagging-last-summer-We-need-more-JSers-on-this-our-44th-thread" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The current Mumming Fred is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/postnatal_clubs/2541376-Our-babies-are-teething-screaming-and-generally-not-sleeping-but-were-still-JS-ing-its-Just-Mumming-10?watched=1" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The rather nobbish article in which we became a little bit notorious is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/health-news/the-dark-side-of-mumsnet-my-shocking-tour-of-the-website-s-nether-regions-8905055.html" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The brilliantly pearl-clutchy Fred about 'how wooode' our Fred is darlings is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/site_stuff/2386412-Thread-titles" target="_blank">HERE</a>

Stats sheet is <a class="break-all" href="https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/14Ap3NlZ0dP2Rjd1tRdpZ58my-7vZ-oUhevZ-4JROvyg/edit?pli=1#gid=0" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">HERE</a>

Recent research PROVING WE ARE RIGHT is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.eurekalert.org/pub_releases/2015-10/iu-iss100515.php" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">HERE</a>

We are the dark side of MN... Welcome!

Thanks Zyla - it is indeed a Daim bar... I was sure they were called Dime... hormones must have go to me!

Shit... so that means I have blown my syn allocation.... for the week!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well done kwick junkie

Thanks viroids, I'm glad my feelings are normal....I think it's exactly that, having a nice weekend and enjoying the freedom, or having a bad day and wondering how the hell I will manage that plus a small person. I can't imagine growing old without having had children, and DH is going to be such a great dad...as clichéd as it is I guess I just need to enjoy the trying.

Fuzzy, in that case I shall live in hope that my skin will eventually calm down! Just ordered some benzoyl peroxide as had a new hormonal outbreak today, if that doesn't help I think I will bite the bullet and ask my gp for something.

Kwick, glad injections going OK. Can you go for a walk to earn some extra syns or is that not how slimming world works?

Oh for the LOVE OF GOD! Just watching recorded Call the Midwife. Sweet Jesus.

Canters I always take comfort in that so many women have gone before us and done very well. But I am definitely taking one day at a time - right now it is using myself as a pin cushion.

Not sure if I can walk it off... first week of SW... but I guess that cannot hurt.

I forgot to do my Sun Salutations for lent the last two days so will try and remember to do 3 tomorrow... that should help!

Oh and canters have you tried a double cleanse for the outbreak with a warm flannel? What cleanser are you using?

Canters I have had retin-a cream, antibiotics, dianette and then some other cream over the years. Sadly old age seems to be the best cure

Glad injections are going well Kwick. I have heard bad things about tonight's Call the Midwife and am pretending things like having your uterus pulled out cannot happen! I mean, seriously, that really doesn't happen, does it?

Canters, I had frequent 'I can't do this' moments before DD. I have similar moments now but it appears I can do it. As for now, even though it is everything I want, I still wobble.

Fuzzy (whispers) yes it can, and it is very dangerous, but it's incredibly rare. I knew it was going to happen as soon as that old duffer GP said the word though. Grim.

I am never going to have a home birth SockQueen. Never. Just in case. 🙈🙉

De lurks

I had a funny turn watching Call the Midwife. Had to take deep breaths and have a mouthful of DH's wine.

Jesus.

Anyway. Glad I wasn't the only one who was traumatised.

Sending lots of positive vibes to you all.

goes back into lurking

Kwick, I was using a clarins face wash but switched to la Roche posay efflacar as heard it was v good. Cant say it's helped yet. I do the warm flannel thing but will give double cleansing a go.

Fuzzy, what's so frustrating about the skin situation is that antibiotics worked brilliantly for me before, it's just they're a no go when TTC. And enough of that, I hardly think you're old!

Thanks chat, that also helps. I suppose the prospect of creating and caring for another human is allowed to feel a teensy bit terrifying!

Uterus pulled out?!! Jesus. I'm ordering a stork delivery.

Feeling pretty smug viroids my evening went summit like this in bed reading with dp half asleep next to me dp says 'you're gonna have to seduce me if you want sex' so I lean towards him and whisper in his ear 'I'm wearing a silk chemise and no knickers' jazz acquired men to easy!
Call the midwife was as ever a tear jerked and omg ouch! Shocker
I wanted home birth with my third but wasn't allowed only just made it to hospital was half in corridor half in room when I gave birth!
Kwick I am feeling you're sw pain went to cinema and had popcorn and munchies get weighed tomorrow gx I've lost something!

Lol jizz not jazz obvs! Damn auto correction

I've never watched Call the Midwife...I'll add it to my 'things to start watching' list. It's a very long list

I've heard you need such a list for the early months of a newborn BF and not sleeping so maybe it will come in handy!

Not much happening with me as on AF. First week of SW has gone quite well so I'm hoping for a decent loss on the scales tomorrow evening; if not I'm going to have a right strop.

NFMBM (bipolar mood): Marginally better. Think the mood dip is due to diet change and therefore missing the dopamine produced by massive consumption of sugar and refined carbs. I miss donuts. And chocolate. And biscuits. And chips.

Canters....totally get what you mean. Desperate to be with child however still quite often have times where I think....how the hell will we manage with a child?

I'm pretty lazy sometimes so worry I'm too lazy for a child. I also love quiet time and realise that this doesn't exist when they're awake. I'm very grumpy without eight hours of sleep too.

On my more optimistic days I assume you just adjust to less sleep/quiet time and 'step up' to being a mum and that I'm lazy now because I can be! Massively hoping this is how it works and that I won't be a lazy, grumpy mother.

stumbly I found my mood dipped a little, but then improved once my body got used to eating good healthy food. Sometimes still get a real craving for food that I shouldn't have. But I guess the beauty of slimming world is that you can have what you want.. so long as you syn it. 105 syns for a week... I'm hoping for a loss tomorrow despite not being that good this week. I had kfc at the weekend too.. (wasn't planned, haven't looked up the syns, eek). I am sure you will have a loss stumbly is it Monday you weigh in or are you my Tuesday js weighing buddy?

I've been struggling the past couple of days hence why I've not really been online. Not feeling going to work but maybe being in a routine will do me good and not stress me out too much

Canters try not to use facial washes or wipes. Have you tried something like body shop camomille face butter or cleansing oil? It does not leave skin greasy - promise! Maybe something like loreal age defense for second cleanse as it contains salcylic acid which is a good but gentle exfoiliant?

I haven't tried either of those kwick but am prepared to give anything a go! Will pop to the shops over lunch.

My confidence of getting a bfn has reached an all time high and I have stocked up on all kinds of things for next cycle. Next month is definitely going to be the one for me!

Hey all-- I haven't tested again yet. I've decided to stop pissing on fivers. AF was due yesterday or today. My temp is still up. If I still have no AF by tomorrow morning, I'm testing with an FRER.

London Gx!

Now I understand why testing early is such a no-no. Still no sign of AF and I've already done two FRERs so I don't want to waste any more money! Going to hold my nerve as long as possible before doing another. I'm not hopeful because I hardly had any sex at all after the date I thought I'd ovulated. If I'm not pregnant this month my shagging strategy will be very different next month!

Stupid pill. I want 2 DCs eventually so I'm not going back on it after DC1.

Stumbly sorry you have been feeling low.

Erm so Af due today and well see the attached - DH doubts as is faint but 'a line is a line is a line'?

Illiria that looks like a line to me!!!! Was it FMU? Try a FRER in the morning?

... But I think congratulations are in order!

oooh ill that looks promising - gx gx gx!

this was your 'give it a go' cycle before another round of isci/ivf wasn't it? (sorry i know i've got the lingo wrong)

i assume you've been doing plenty of shagging? :)