There's Chickens up Trees and BOGOF Deals from the Stork! We're Seeking out the Magic Potion whilst avoiding the Rogue Penis - Don't Flash your Cat, it's JS 57!

[ChatEnOeuf]

Fred rules (copied and adapted from previous Fred)

1. Thou shalt shag as much as humanly possible in order to get upduffed.
2. Thou shalt not partake of OPKs, temping, or charting.
3. Thou shalt keep symptom spotting to a minimum.
4. Thou shalt share with your fredmates where needed.
5. Thou shalt not be offended by the word vagina.

JSing lingo

ERTD = Evil Red Tide of Dooooooommmmmmm. Or AF to most others. Also known as 'the witch', 'bitch witch' and 'that one with the red shiny convertible'

Viroid = This is you, dear poster. This is from the first JS thread when someone tried to type 'ladies' and it autocorrected to 'Viroids' - so there you go!

Pant snot = Egg white cervical mucus.

Doing a Kitten = Getting upduffed soon after joining (warning: may induce envy in other posters).

POAS = Pee On A Stick (of the pregnancy detecting kind, not from a tree). Also known as PIAR (Pee In A Ramekin - cos we're posh birds innit), or PIATLH (Tea light holder), PIAWG (Wine glass) or anything else you care to pee in! PONF = Pee on Nigel Farage (Self explanatory)

ROC = Receptacle of Choice - what one chooses to use for the task of POAS. Optional decorations include photographs of controversial political leaders.

JIAC = Jizz in a Cup. Preferable to jizz on the carpet or jizz in the eye. This one's for the lucky men in our lives.

Jizz in a bra = how we transport the jizz to the Sperm Queen

Shagging like <strong>Something</strong> = JSing like a teenage nymphomaniac.

Giving a <strong>hooya</strong> = Giving a much needed slap to a fellow poster in danger of slipping into TTC obsession. Warning - this may happen to you if you start trying to POAS at 5dpo. PUT. THE. PISSY. STICK. DOWN. IT'S TOO EARLY!

Contraband (or Cuntraband) = Of COURSE none of us EVER partake of any silly OPKs or temp charting. They are Contraband.

Icing = ovulating. Another autocorrect development!

Getting your Cape on = planning some serious pouncing on DH/DP

SOTM = Shagger of the Month. Awarded with varying regularity to those viroids who go above and beyond EOD shagging in pursuit of that BFP

TWOT - Two Weeks of Torture. AKA Schroedingering!
TWPU - Two Week Piss Up!

Keeping your gingers = fingers crossed, yet another autocorrect development! Shortened to 'gx'

Doing A <strong>Lemon</strong> = Testing WAAAAAAAY to early!

Miroid - The male compadre of a viroid

Cat - Compulsory

Skittletits - Killer molten painful tits and nipples

Ghost jizz/goat jazz - When the amazing foof sucks up all the jizz - achieved when coming at the same time/nearly the same time.

The link to Part 56 is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/2507776-We-are-all-a-bit-bonkers-worshipping-the-travelling-womble-conker-we-rub-the-grads-bumps-for-luck-and-shag-without-scientific-schmuck-Most-of-the-time-Its-Just-Shagging-56?msgid=58470102#58470102" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The current Grads Fred is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/antenatal_clubs/2533203-Celebrating-Christmas-with-the-arrival-of-BabyBloom-and-XmasPud-were-testing-our-pelvic-floors-through-the-festive-season-mince-pie-tasting-and-turkey-stuffing-nudge-nudge-its-the-JS-Grads-43" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The current Mumming Fred is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/postnatal_clubs/2541376-Our-babies-are-teething-screaming-and-generally-not-sleeping-but-were-still-JS-ing-its-Just-Mumming-10?watched=1" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The rather nobbish article in which we became a little bit notorious is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/health-news/the-dark-side-of-mumsnet-my-shocking-tour-of-the-website-s-nether-regions-8905055.html" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The brilliantly pearl-clutchy Fred about 'how wooode' our Fred is darlings is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/site_stuff/2386412-Thread-titles" target="_blank">HERE</a>

Stats sheet is <a class="break-all" href="https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/14Ap3NlZ0dP2Rjd1tRdpZ58my-7vZ-oUhevZ-4JROvyg/edit?pli=1#gid=0" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">HERE</a>

Recent research PROVING WE ARE RIGHT is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.eurekalert.org/pub_releases/2015-10/iu-iss100515.php" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">HERE</a>

We are the dark side of MN... Welcome!

I love skiing, but DH has never learnt and isn't terribly keen. Sigh.

We went on one of the bullet trains today and I sweae DH almost jizzed his pants. Ridiculous how excited he was. Now in a gorgeous mountain lodge with open air hot tub thing which we have used/abused.

Skittle tits starting to wear off so standard month for me. Reckon I am 5-7dpo but who really knows. We have js'd every day apart from one this cycle- 10/10 for effort!

I will move to the commune if there is gin. I love gin. I decided if AF arrives this month I am going to NAIL the remaining wedding champers. Small things!

Have woken up to typical pre- af boobage ache. Very despondent :(

Ooh Kwick it might not be.

SOTM for you Canters!

I love to ski - only learnt about 8 yrs ago though. We're going in March. I've been to Alpe d'Huez but only for a long weekend.

Ooo chat don't tease with thoughts of speculoos (have never been able to spell that word)

Ain saw him last year pre prepared to be entertained but to know that obv there were tricks to it. Walked out with wide eyes claiming he's a witch man

speculoos?

Well my boobs have stopped hurting so I think that's af on the way tomorrow

Go to a supermarket and buy a jar of lotus spread. (Should be near the chocolate spread) go home and open jar and eat straight with a spoon. Youre welcome

Gin, apple & elderflower cocktails: (per person)
1 shot gin (or 2 if you feel naughty)
1 shot elderflower cordial
1 good splash apple juice (cloudy is best)
Shake all together in cocktail shaker with ice
Pour into glasses with suitably wanky garnishes
Nom nom nom.
Goes to your head fairly quickly!

canters I am sooo jealous of your honeymoon, sounds amazing!
just good thinking on holiday booking, am thinking of New York/New Orleans myself. Though sorely tempted by skiing after all this ski chat!
kwick don't be too despondent, I was so convinced AF was on the way (sore boobage and chin spots) before my BFP that I drank loads of wine!

NMFV: got too carried away with the cape-donning and am now sore, have DTD every day and not even in "fertile window" yet! what. Ovia informs me that my fertility score is 2.0. OK....

Have avoided OPKs etc so far - do you wise viroids think I should get some just for this month and WTF cycle?

In unrelated news, am I completely bonkers to be wanting a parquet floor in the hall? DH is saying he will happily install it to get "man points". And I am completely obsessed with parquet. Talk me out of it viroids! help!

That cocktail sounds lush! I didn't realise that's what speculoos was- I've got some! I eat it straight from the jar.

I've been conducting a scientific experiment . After last months pos opk on af due day and my crazy high lh levels at my day 3 I decided to see if my lh rises before af. It clearly does as photo shows, I would bet my last pound that it's positive tomorrow when af is due.
What the fuck is my body doing?! Any actual science types out there that can explain?

I ripped my parquet out when we bought house but ours was old and worn and would have been a cunt to fill in after knocking walls down so maybe I'm not the best person to ask! I love my oak floor though x

One of my best friends just had her baby

She sent me a photo, I'm a blubbering mess now

Ah congrats angel

I'm a blubbering mess too....because Sheldon hugged Penny on Big Bang Theory.....an episode I've seen before and I'm not even that fussed about the programme! Hello pmt!

I've also just cried because dp bought anchor "butter" instead of butter. I'm turning into a loon although vegetable oil pretending to be butter does annoy me at all points of the month

Thanks everyone for well wishes. Boobs still sore.... womble feels heavy.

Corgi as far as contraband goes is it not in for a penny in for a pound? If you use the inexpensive one step tests available on line it is not so much of an outlay.

With regards to Parquet floor: I spent my youth cussing its existence as the real oak parquet floor we had was not stuck down properly and so if you walked around in bare feet it would stick to your feet... my parents never really got this sorted.... I am sure yours will be fine but my personal preference is for real wood floors without the parquet feature.

Just I am very impressed with experiment. LH is not always a great indicator. I found an interesting article online - if you want to take a look try googling "The use of urine LH detection kits to time intrauterine insemination with donor sperm." I know you are DTD rather than IUI but it gives some useful information on timings.

Husbands should know better than to buy butter substitutes!!! Have they not heard about trans fats??????

That does look interesting, I'll have a read later. Thanks. Still not sure why it's rising day before af though!

Exactly, trans fat pusher that he is.

Does anyone else have a technology obsessed DP? Mine is currently annoyed with me and has gone back downstairs in a strop because I don't want the TV on in the bedroom. He knows I hate it being on, and most of the time in the evening it is on.. Grrr. I'm trying to reduce being around screens in the evening as it does affect my sleep. He knows this. (I'm aware I'm using my phone to write this, but I'm now annoyed and can't sleep anyway!) Am I being unreasonable here? Thing is, he finds it easier to drift off with the TV on and then the TV turns itself off after a bit. So either way, one of us is going to be annoyed. I need some sort of solution to this problem. I'm going to suggest a radio to him tomorrow. Sound with no light. See how that goes down.. he doesn't really watch the TV in bed, more just listens to it.. is that a reasonable solution do you think?

I don't have a tv in the bedroom. We listen to audiobooks on audible to go to sleep though, would this work?

oops cannot help - I sleep with my ipad beside me and repeatedly use it during night to fall back asleep... Qi or death in paradise do the trick!

black and sock I am so jealous of your skiing - I'm not even going to say envious - I am having skiing withdrawal! DH's parent's lived in france in the 70's and bought a time share ski flat in La Plagne (amazing skiing) which they gave us to use for the last 11 years. The last time I went I was upduffed with DS, I took it easy but still loved it. The time share has dissolved now and every time I see pictures from friends who are skiing the green eyed monster gets me. I'd ski all day every day too if I could.

ain Sadly, I am a bit like your DP. I used to have to have noise to go to sleep and DH hated it. I have trained myself out of it. But it took a long time, and I had incentive. If your DP is willing to do it, relaxation techniques are a good way to go as it helps stop your mind running wild which in turn stops you sleeping.

just it is really interesting, and if nothing else something to mention to the medics. Men will never learn on the buying the wrong stuff, I don;t think they ever listen

canters I am so pleased you are having an amazing time

Well, we DTD every other day in the alleged fertile period and are still on every 2-3 days now. I bloody hope it works this month, there really is no reason not to now. The witch is due on the 21st so I'm being a bit of a hermit for the TWW.

I'd love to have family with a ski house! I prefer Austria but speak better French than German.

My DH also loved the TV on in the bedroom - I hated it and could only fall asleep after it turned itself off. I'm sorry to say the thing that cured him was having DD.

We don't have a TV in the bedroom for that very reason, Ain. Using it to fall asleep probably actually doesn't make for very good sleep quality tbh. DH likes to watch Netflix on his phone in bed, but has the light down low and headphones, so it doesn't bother me. He gets annoyed with me because I like to read with my bedside light!

I must confess I'm not an enormous skiing fan - I go each year because it's a week away with my friends who I don't often otherwise see, but while it has its moments of being great fun, it's not something I'm a natural at and I get frustrated and scared too easily. DH is totally obsessed, he's going for an extra week without me and is currently bugging me for an extra weekend of it, which I'm trying to gently dissuade him from.

I've never been skiing before! I do fancy it.

No period yet......

Christ- I’ve just spent lunch catching up on the thread!

Illaria so sorry about your mc. Happy belated birthday though to both you and Chat

Just sorry you lost your last chickens! That’s terrible luck.

On vacations, skiing is amazing. Anyone who hasn’t been should give it a go. Even if you are not terribly coordinated, if you take lessons you’ll pick it up. My DH wants to go to Japan really badly. We are actually heading off to Hong Kong and Vietnam in February for two weeks. We are trying to plan trips to places it might be difficult to enjoy pregnant or with a baby.

corgi88 I love parquet. We have it in our master bedroom only. I’d say it really depends on how large your hall / house is. As much as I love parquet, my house is not huge and so the maximize the feeling of space we’ve got large oak planks throughout the entire ground floor. A simple pattern and continuity creates a greater feeling of space in a house.

Ain he’s being unreasonable. We don’t have a TV in our room but it is totally unreasonable to expect someone else to sleep with one on. I like listening to music to fall asleep but my DH can’t sleep that way so a habit I had since I was 11 years old stopped cold turkey. I haven’t been able to do it for 12 years!

NFMV- AF finished on Thursday but due to bad cold there was no shagging until yesterday. I’ve been using OPK and had a big fat O yesterday but this morning got the static smiley so icing is imminent (probably tomorrow). Going to try to get my cape on tonight but if not then, tomorrow morning. I’ve got loads of EWCM today so sish me luck ladies. The TWW is imminent.

I sish you luck londongirl!

I've never been skiing either. A few years back hubby's friend was dating my friend, & there was chat about going skiing - hubby & his friend refused to go skiing with me & my friend, said we were the pair who would end up in hospital on the first day To be fair, they're probably right, we're the kinda girls that can trip over our own feet

As for parquet flooring - love them, so understated & elegant.

Just when was the witch due??

Kwick you're not out til the witch rears her ugly head.

London good luck with the shagging.

Ain I can't sleep with light/TV on, so hubby has to go downstairs/spare room if I'm going to sleep. It used to about him a bit, but he's used to it now.

Canters honeymoon sounds amazing.

AFM, no shagging since the witch done one, hubby was away all weekend & the last 2 nights I've been so exhausted I've been out for the count before my head hits the pillow.

Can someone slap me?

Have the worst skittle tits ever. Normally get 3 days after icing but this is now day 6. Also I'm eating everything that isn't nailed down. Am sure 1) is just due to luteal phase symptoms settling post pill and 2) is because I got too stressed to eat much pre wedding and lost loads of weight so is a compensatory type thing.... But obviously my brain is like 'omg maybe you're preg'. AF not due for another week. I'm determined to not test pre AF anyway and I know I'm being ridiculous but I just need to let the crazy out! and have corgis gin cocktail

London- have you been to HK before? I haven't, but DH adores it- he's been loads with work. Vietnam on my hit list too.

I can really recommend japan. Now in Kyoto. Last night we saw a geisha walking down the street! Much excitement.

I reckon parquet would look good corgi!

Just when AF due?