There's Chickens up Trees and BOGOF Deals from the Stork! We're Seeking out the Magic Potion whilst avoiding the Rogue Penis - Don't Flash your Cat, it's JS 57!

[ChatEnOeuf]

Fred rules (copied and adapted from previous Fred)

1. Thou shalt shag as much as humanly possible in order to get upduffed.
2. Thou shalt not partake of OPKs, temping, or charting.
3. Thou shalt keep symptom spotting to a minimum.
4. Thou shalt share with your fredmates where needed.
5. Thou shalt not be offended by the word vagina.

JSing lingo

ERTD = Evil Red Tide of Dooooooommmmmmm. Or AF to most others. Also known as 'the witch', 'bitch witch' and 'that one with the red shiny convertible'

Viroid = This is you, dear poster. This is from the first JS thread when someone tried to type 'ladies' and it autocorrected to 'Viroids' - so there you go!

Pant snot = Egg white cervical mucus.

Doing a Kitten = Getting upduffed soon after joining (warning: may induce envy in other posters).

POAS = Pee On A Stick (of the pregnancy detecting kind, not from a tree). Also known as PIAR (Pee In A Ramekin - cos we're posh birds innit), or PIATLH (Tea light holder), PIAWG (Wine glass) or anything else you care to pee in! PONF = Pee on Nigel Farage (Self explanatory)

ROC = Receptacle of Choice - what one chooses to use for the task of POAS. Optional decorations include photographs of controversial political leaders.

JIAC = Jizz in a Cup. Preferable to jizz on the carpet or jizz in the eye. This one's for the lucky men in our lives.

Jizz in a bra = how we transport the jizz to the Sperm Queen

Shagging like <strong>Something</strong> = JSing like a teenage nymphomaniac.

Giving a <strong>hooya</strong> = Giving a much needed slap to a fellow poster in danger of slipping into TTC obsession. Warning - this may happen to you if you start trying to POAS at 5dpo. PUT. THE. PISSY. STICK. DOWN. IT'S TOO EARLY!

Contraband (or Cuntraband) = Of COURSE none of us EVER partake of any silly OPKs or temp charting. They are Contraband.

Icing = ovulating. Another autocorrect development!

Getting your Cape on = planning some serious pouncing on DH/DP

SOTM = Shagger of the Month. Awarded with varying regularity to those viroids who go above and beyond EOD shagging in pursuit of that BFP

TWOT - Two Weeks of Torture. AKA Schroedingering!
TWPU - Two Week Piss Up!

Keeping your gingers = fingers crossed, yet another autocorrect development! Shortened to 'gx'

Doing A <strong>Lemon</strong> = Testing WAAAAAAAY to early!

Miroid - The male compadre of a viroid

Cat - Compulsory

Skittletits - Killer molten painful tits and nipples

Ghost jizz/goat jazz - When the amazing foof sucks up all the jizz - achieved when coming at the same time/nearly the same time.

The link to Part 56 is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/2507776-We-are-all-a-bit-bonkers-worshipping-the-travelling-womble-conker-we-rub-the-grads-bumps-for-luck-and-shag-without-scientific-schmuck-Most-of-the-time-Its-Just-Shagging-56?msgid=58470102#58470102" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The current Grads Fred is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/antenatal_clubs/2533203-Celebrating-Christmas-with-the-arrival-of-BabyBloom-and-XmasPud-were-testing-our-pelvic-floors-through-the-festive-season-mince-pie-tasting-and-turkey-stuffing-nudge-nudge-its-the-JS-Grads-43" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The current Mumming Fred is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/postnatal_clubs/2541376-Our-babies-are-teething-screaming-and-generally-not-sleeping-but-were-still-JS-ing-its-Just-Mumming-10?watched=1" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The rather nobbish article in which we became a little bit notorious is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/health-news/the-dark-side-of-mumsnet-my-shocking-tour-of-the-website-s-nether-regions-8905055.html" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The brilliantly pearl-clutchy Fred about 'how wooode' our Fred is darlings is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/site_stuff/2386412-Thread-titles" target="_blank">HERE</a>

Stats sheet is <a class="break-all" href="https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/14Ap3NlZ0dP2Rjd1tRdpZ58my-7vZ-oUhevZ-4JROvyg/edit?pli=1#gid=0" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">HERE</a>

Recent research PROVING WE ARE RIGHT is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.eurekalert.org/pub_releases/2015-10/iu-iss100515.php" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">HERE</a>

We are the dark side of MN... Welcome!

Maybe we should build the viroid commune we talked about! All instantly upduffed and using the cow scanner to ultrasound ourselves! Whose was that?!

Ooh, yes we had a good going cast and crew sorting us out there didn't we. I'm a dab hand with a scanner. Can't do anatomy but could probably pick up a foetus on a dildocam is push came to shove :)

Canters that sounds ace (even the trainspotting) - GX for a honeymoon special.

Holidays sound beautiful, Just. Can't help with destinations though, I've never been to that part of the world. I really need to. We're sticking with short haul this year, so skiing just before Easter and probably France (got to employ DD's language skills) in the summer.

Honey I'm sure you're not that old!

And Country those waffle look delicious. I hope there was some decadent chocolate and speculoos sauce going on too.

Solved the old CD mystery. That'll be day 1 today. Glad I had all of the wine and all of the food over Christmas.

Sorry chat I was going to take a stab at cd, I thought you were just ahead of me. Sorry witch came.
Glad you had all the wine.
to you dildocamming the viroids would totally be front of the queue as have no dignity

Honeymoon sounds ace canters, the trains there do look amazing, only worry if he starts taking a notepad and a flask down to your local station on a weekend!

Forgot about our viroid commune... I'm totally up for it if it means instant upduff-ness... actually just up for it as it sounds a laugh to be fair, but definite added bonus of being upduffed..!

canters sounds like you're having a fab time...

Whoever it was that said about telling a friend they are ttc... I've been trying 18 months (which my logical part of my brain tells me is okay... we still have time to work with the fc to hopefully get upduffed...) but with all the set backs it is getting harder and harder.. especially when it is good friends that are getting upduffed. The worst two pregnancy announcements have been one of my friends that I used to be really close with and one of DH's good friends who we didn't know were trying...

Please tell me more about viroid commune and will it save me having to pay a small fortune for magic potion?

Lots of strange goings on in my nether regions... Not sure what it is but probably side effect of crinone gel. Roll on 18 Jan when I am allowed to test will probs test sooner though

I don't think anyone should tell people if they don't want to, but it is infinitely easier on the heartstrings when I've heard pregnancy announcements from my friends who I knew were trying iyswim.

For example my bff sent me the pic of her still wet pg test last week and I was fucking thrilled but we started ttc at same time and supported each other through it. I don't feel the same jealous as fuck when it's unexpected.

Thing is though no one should feel they have to tell others to save their feelings, I hope my friends don't feel that way however I haven't lost babies and if I had I think it would be kinder if my friends did say. If I had a close friend who had lost babies I would tell them as I'd know they could prepare themselves for it and wouldn't have to try and act ok in public if it came as a shock.

I'm rambling.

Had a crazy moment few hours today pondering if I was pg, how I was sure I was, how great it would be to not need next week fc app, how funny a story that would be....then ....I realised it would literally be a miracle as shag count has been low one on ov day so gave myself a massive slap!

What is crinone kwick? Is it progesterone? I read crisco which would not be nice up your fanjo! Tell us more about the strange womble feelings....
I've got everything crossed for you, really hope this is THE cycle.

Viroid commune is exactly as it sounds, part hippy chanting and dancing naked with fertility symbols painted on with mud and part crazy self chat dildocamming us scanning on farm equipment and a gin bar for drowning the af sorrows.
I do a mean bramble

We could start a "pharmacy" of fertility enhancing supplements and get sponsored to conduct trials into different supplements. Ooh I may have just made this financially possible

Don't forget the mystical womble conker just my auto correct was determined to write wormhole cooker then

And by painting fertility symbols I obviously mean covering ourselves in crudely drawn cocks

Ooh yes. Who was that, was it fruit?

If it is fruit she needs to send it to me as it worked for her....

Yep pretty sure it was fruit

Ah, the fabled womble conker. I could do with that too. All shall worship the womble conker, (especially if it was fruit as it's powers have been proven).

I want sunshine, long grass, flowy gypsy skirts, flowers in my hair, and a womble conker on some sort of altar... (is this taking it to far?)

Nope ain I shall float about in maxi skirts and flowers in my hair too, probably with a daisy chain necklace also

Thanks for birthday wishes.

anotherrubberduck mine don't go in the bathroom but live on a shelf in the living room so I use a swiffer duster as its fluffy and get around the odd shapes.

I am not sure if the fertility symbols would work as I am nowhere near a rogue penis... But I am willing to try just about anything.

Crinone gel is progesterone gel - I always have to take/insert and squirt out twice a day during two week wait. It can give cramps and can clump - you are supposed to declump every couple of days..I will have a go today... Not at all pleasant!
Very hard to describe strange womble feelings... But yesterday I had to walk very slowly on way home otherwise felt something was pulling.... Probably just clumping. Crinone also makes me feel sick and stops af so you kid yourself and then disbelieve the bfn on the POAS

Thanks so much for well wishes, which I defo reciprocate. I really feel the love and am so glad that I explored more of MN over crimbo - this thread is helping me so much.

Hi everyone, sorry I sort of fell off the thread for a bit there, we're renovating our house at the mo and had a bit of a crazy week moving stuff and trying to make room for the builders.

Stats: Holo, 28, TTC#1, on cycle 9 now, no furbabies but a few daft fish!

Been trying to catch up with the new thread! Canters Japan sounds amazing, it's on our wish list to visit someday. I think DH would love the trains too, he's got a thing for trains .

I'm liking the sound of this Viriod Commune, think it would help this TTC thing chill out. AF arrived today but I tested with an IC this morning just because I don't usually get to do it before the witch arrives! Obvs BFN, and I didn't have any symptoms to go on. Just wanted the chance to pee on something!

Had two more pregnancy revelations at work this week - one from a lady who works in an office in my department but I don't see very often so I had no idea until I was confronted with bump! The other is a lady who works in a different department who got married this summer and is having a honeymoon baby! Which is lovely...but I'm finding it harder to be pleased for people and this upsets me because I want to be pleased for them, I don't want to be bitter and miserable!

Blah, sorry for the whinge. Blame AF and her witchy hormones...

Hi viroids, I'm back from my holiday and need to get back on the ttc wagon. Next week should be fertile week and I've told DH that we are starting this year with renewed efforts. Next FC appointment is beginning of next month so we have one more chance to do this the natural way before we takes our chance with science

I'm well up for the commune - am I right in thinking that sock took her womble conker abroad with her? Gutted if I missed the chance to take it skiing with me, now we know it works we will all be fighting over it

I volunteer to be in charge of the pissy sticks, my frers are over a year old and have dust on them so I have a good track record of not pissing early or at all on anything of the pregnancy kind, despite them being close at hand. When are we off? And can someone plait my hair with daisies please

Yes to commune and drawing willies fertility symbols everywhere and on everyone! And dancing around fires and burning BFNs also up for gin cocktails. Made a really nice improvised apple, elderflower and gin cocktail the other day...also have discovered the combo of sipsmiths and grapefruit. Nom!

I didn't have the womble conker! How was skiing, MyBlackCat? We're booked to go in mid-March, but if I'm still upduffed I won't actually do any skiing - will be nice to have a week chilling out in the lovely mountains though!

Skiing was great thanks sock - one of the perks of not being upduffed I guess where are you off too? We were in Italian Dolomites.

Who the hell has the womble conker then??

We're going to La Plagne - I've been once before but it was only my 2nd week so I only did a small fraction of the runs there. DH is also going to Alpe d'Huez in a couple of weeks with his brother + friends, but I don't like skiing enough to go twice in one year!

fruit has the womble conker!

That cocktail sounds lush, quantities please.

I've never been skiing... would love to give it a go even though I hate cold and I am not very good at balance or being coordinated... I have no one to go with though.. DH won't go... Grrr..

I am a little weirded out... went to see Derren Brown this evening... very good. But messes with your head a little!

I went to les arc last year sock and skied in la plagne for day - I enjoyed it I would ski all the time if I could, one year I managed three trips but think it will just be the one this year

So fruit has the conker - is she upduffed? I'm confused!